Back ‘n forth … back ‘n forth

… for nearly five years with a mess-and-a-half.  I’d leave him alone and somehow, someway after months of ignoring and avoiding him, I would allow him back in my life.  The only difference now and 2-1/2 years ago — I did not allow myself a little trip to La La Land… over the antics. The antics, blatant disrespect and lack of consideration used to hurt.  I’d want to put my head in a hole or I’d relegate to inside my home, not daring to venture out as I may run into him.  Now … I get angry — outright angry.  And, not just with him, but with myself more.

Throughout the time I’ve been involved with the mess-and-a-half, I was on a mission of self-healing.  I wrote a book. I started this blog. I journaled.  I chatted with friends, a counselor and consulted with a psychic. I did everything I could to get this man out of my system over the last five years.  And, then I reminded myself what a sister friend told me 30 years ago … “when you’re tired, you’re tired and nobody will have to tell you you’re tired because you’ll be tired.”  It is then and only then can you truly walk away. I stopped trying. I waited cause I knew the day would come when I would be tired. It would happen. I knew it would happen. It had to happen.

What is it about me that would give someone carte blanche to disrespect me. To treat me with so little disregard, without compunction.  I needed to make some changes.  What I do know now after nearly five years of back ‘n forth and more back ‘n forth, I could only walk away and stay away when I truly hit bottom, rock bottom.  When I have truly changed me. I needed to change me.  I could no longer sit idly by and accept bad behavior from others for any reason.  It was long past saying it.  It was time for action. I decided to seriously commit to working on my feelings of low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and self-worth, co-dependency and just not feeling good enough. It was time to invoke the change I needed to set myself free.

I’m not talking about being free of the mess-and-a-half.  I’m talking about being free of the ghosts of my past. I’m talking about ridding myself of the childhood that could have been better.  I’m talking about letting it all go and reinventing myself.  Becoming a better version of me.  It was way past time to demand the same respect I willingly gave and not just from the mess-and-a-half but from everyone in my life.  See, I realize it wasn’t just him.  It was a pattern for me.  I had failed to establish healthy boundaries throughout my life.  I had a “kick-me” sign on my back and “sucker” on my forehead.

Sure, if you’ve read this blog from the beginning, you’ll see I’ve said so many times, so many ways that I was free. That I loved myself.  That I was done with the mess-and-a-half. Yet, he was always able to lure me back with a false sense of security.  I was sick of myself! Truly fed up with thinking this was happiness, that this was some version of love.  This was sickening.

The disappointments and disrespect were becoming more frequent.  He had even began to throw in a little verbal/emotional abuse when called out on his nonsense.  Whatever he did or said, whatever unbroken promises he made, it was his expectation that I sit in a corner and not say a word.  Seriously, while the mess-and-a-half does whatever he wants, with whomever he pleases (in my face no less), I am to say nothing. All the while he is the benefactor of my nurturing and loving self.  He could drink all the lemonade he wanted, enjoy great meals including steaks, crab legs and ribs and receive free professional massages anytime he wanted.  His disrespect had gone too far.

Once within 30 minutes of enjoying a crab leg and baked potato meal, he was riding off with someone else. This began to happen more and more after he’d request a meal and a massage, then someone else shared his bed.  You know the bed … the one I vowed never to enter again.  I lied! I always lied when it came to the mess-and-a-half. I lied to him. I lied to my friends. And more importantly, I lied to myself every time I said I was done and was back in it again! The back ‘n forth with this man was never-ending.

OMG … is he trying to use me.  Now that’s just plain silly.  We’re too old for that.  Why would the mess-and-a-half think he could use me and I not notice. There began to be less and less left for me.  Oh sure, I was more than welcomed to the disrespect and disappointments he had to give.  And yes, he’d always want (expect) a hot meal, ice cold lemonade or Bailey’s and coffee on demand. But what do I get?  Nothing, nada, not a crumb or morsel.

Wait a freaking minute, I’ve gotta stop this. I’ve gotta stop this swiftly, promptly, immediately, instantly, quick-fast-in-a-hurry and with-the-quickness! I won’t be used and mistreated any longer. This I cannot allow. Until then, I really didn’t know how to break the cycle. I had stopped allowing the mess-and-a-half‘s antics to hurt my feelings some time ago. I had begun to feel more anger than hurt anyway. Ah Ha moment … the beginning of my change.

Numerous times since the beginning of this blog I said I was done, done and DONE.  I mean it I’m Done.  Yeah right! Was I really? Nope.  And, while the intensity of our relationship dwindled each time I returned, there would just be enough to keep me falling back in.  Once I began to effectuate various aspects of my change, I stopped saying I was done with him forever.  I stopped saying “never”.  I no longer say I will never be with him again. I don’t know my future and realize he is and probably will always be my weakness. I was in a constant war with myself and my feelings over this man. I embraced my feelings, allowed myself to grieve the relationship. And, just committed to myself that as long as things were as they were, I owed it to myself to let it go. I couldn’t do the increasingly verbal/emotional abuse, the flying off the handle over little things, the disrespect, the lack of consideration and ALL those women.  Hell! I didn’t wanna do it anymore.

I don’t know if the back ‘n  forth is finally over.  But what I do know is this …

I really am treating myself wonderfully now

I simply forgot …

who I really am. During my 2+ years of despair, I forgot I had strengths. I forgot to love myself.  So today, while walking my sweet pooch, I thought about those drafts of posts I had started but never finished. They are indicative of my state of mind over the last 2+ years. As I began to trash them, I could not help but think about how I felt when I started each draft.

Sometime I ago, I began to write, I have fallen madly, hopelessly in love … with myself. This was my affirmation when I awoke one morning. Although I told myself this, I did not actually believe it. I was still in anguish, still believing I had committed some major faux pas that ended the fun I was having. I wanted to believe I loved myself enough to end my emotional turmoil. Somehow just saying it made me think I was actually loving myself and this would eliminate my pain. I soon discovered I was still in pain … and it was because I was still not loving myself!

I get it!!!! One of my very close friends was experiencing a life-changing event. She forced herself to say only positive things about herself. She would not allow herself to say one negative word about herself. Not even in the slightest.  For her it became all about the positives… (another trashed draft). She helped me to understand that beating, denigrating and being critical of myself would not help me to heal. It would only keep me in the fog that I desperately wanted to rid myself of.

Was it really Love ….Absolutely Not! Trying to determine if I had foolishly allowed myself to be in love was the impetus of this unfinished draft. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized this was not my problem. My problem was how can I treat someone so well and they treat me with so little regard, with no consideration of my feelings. No quid pro quo. You give the very best of you for companionship, for friendship.  The other person only takes. It was during this time that I began to realize my giving nature had zero business being involved with someone who only takes.

Accepting responsibility … was the most important part of my beginning to heal. Knowing what I knew about the narcissist that I allowed in my world, was my fault. I knew what this person was. I knew this person had multiple lovers. After all, he’s only a stone’s throw away from my front door.  I knew this person. I had watched this mess-and-a-half for over ten years. I knew that he was a womanizer to the nth degree. What I thought was that given our proximity, he would be considerate. He would not tell lies, that I would know were lies. What I thought was that despite his obvious sexual proclivities, he would be a human being, that he would at the very least be a decent person.

I’d rather pull weeds … than to share that bed ever again in this life or the next one, for that matter. When I was approached one morning and asked if I would come over for a little dalliance, my immediate response was I’m pulling weeds from my garden today. Kinda funny isn’t. It was a natural response. You know the kind where you didn’t even think before you spoke. It just came out. All I can say is after all of the inconsideration, the blatant disrespect, there was no way, I would share that bed with him (and the 20 others). No way. After all, I had accepted responsibility for my foolishness.

I had allowed him to fool me once, thinking he was at best a person with some regard for others.  I was clueless about narcissism. Yes, I knew he was a womanizer. But I was not looking for a committed relationship. Companionship, friendship and someone who makes you laugh were good enough for me … I thought. There would be no fooling me a second time. This mess-and-a-half is a shameless human being.  While I accept responsibility for the first fooling, I was placing blame on him as well for both. Who does that? Who goes through life hurting people, intentionally.  A person with no conscience. A narcissist. I cannot wrap my head around someone who behaves like this. I just cannot.

What “no contact” means to me… I began to seriously give some credibility to “no contact“.  After that fateful day in August 2014, I knew it was long past the time for me to let it go. I really just have to …Let it go (another blog being trashed).  I read a sermon online about leaving things that are not good for you. It resonated with me. Spiritually, I knew I was being spoken to by my God. I knew that the only way out of this fog was to let …. this … go.  Leave it! Move on! Do not look back.

He called, I did not answer. He text, I did not respond. I had hit my bottom and I could only go up from here. No Contact begins.

Six days … five partners. Early in my no contact, I noted in six days, he had five women. For some reason, I felt differently than before. This was no unusual behavior for him. What was unusual was the effect it had on me. I saw it for what it really was … repulsive. What in God’s name was I thinking back in December 2012.  I knew this was common behavior for him.  But the effect it had on me this time was what it always should have been.  Repulsion, disgust, abhorrence, repugnance, aversion, distaste. I was getting there!

The better than best feeling … was seeing what the mess-and-a-half for what he really is.  It began to free me. What a difference a year makes (another trashed blog). On January 1, 2015, I was feeling better. I noticed that I no longer cared who was visiting. Seeing him gave me no pangs.  And, for certain, I was beginning to become me again. I really was loving myself — not just telling myself uttering the words.  I realized I had erred in judgment as most humans do at some point in their lives.  What I was not going to do was beat myself up any longer. After all, as a human being he had a responsibility to be a human being, to treat people with kindness and respect. This is not my failing. It is his!  

Seafood night … after trying for a semblance of a friendship, he told me that he missed me, that he missed our seafood nights together. Why shouldn’t he? They were fun. There is nothing like good food and friendship. But wait, in a matter of days, his true colors surfaced.  I knew at that moment, I did not even want his friendship.  So, I put him in his place cursed him out, and on that day, at that very moment I was free, Free at last… Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last (another blog for the trash).

Now, I’m just concentrating on the positives, being grateful for reclaiming myself, my life, not wearing my friends’ ears out with incessant and constant chatter of the mess-and-a-half.

Here I am on this lovely fall day… doing what I love (writing) and ….

Treating myself wonderfully!

Put your trash in the garbage …

and take it to the curb. What else would you do with it. That is all that can be done with trash. Sit it at the curb, wait for the waste management company to pick it up and deliver it to the landfill.  That is where trash belongs and that is where I sent mine yesterday.  Keeping trash in your home is hazardous to your health.  It infects your home with its rancid, foul odor. It can even make you ill.  It causes pests. And, no one will want to visit a home where nasty, stinky trash is kept inside.  There is every reason to remove trash from your home regularly and no reason to keep it inside. So don’t!

Thursday morning is trash day where I live. Yesterday, I sat my trash can at the curb with its week’s worth of garbage inside.  On top of the trash can containing the garbage I had amassed over the past week, I sat the mess-and-a-half and all of his foolishness.  After nine months of full-blown No Contact and the last five months of trying to be neighborly, trying to be a friend, trying to have a semblance of what we had shared — the laughter, food, drink, I just could not do it. I did not want to do it.

The man is too flawed, too broken and is seriously 50 shades of screwed up. I decided on Thursday, October 29th, this is trash. Trash should be thrown out. At the moment I threw out my trash, I felt better than I have in over two years. I felt healed. I felt rejuvenated. And, in the words of the great James Brown, I Feel Good!

I won’t lie to myself or to you, I ended No Contact with him on my own terms hoping that at the very least a friendship would be achievable. I was no longer interested in any romantic attachment.  Just a friendship with laughter and fun. He is funny. I enjoyed feeding him.  He enjoys food.  But, this time, it was not the same.  I just wasn’t feeling it, wasn’t feeling him. I had no problem saying no most days. I only cooked IF I wanted to … not because he asked. He asked often. I had no problem not talking or texting with him for days on end. His antics no longer phased me. I was different. I felt different. I realized I was trying to like a person that is simply unlikable.

Of course, he just had to go and say something totally stupid, something ridiculous, something disrespectful.  Before No Contact, I would have let it go. i would have sulked, looked beyond his nonsense, the insanity. This time, however, before I knew it, before I could even catch myself, I gave him the tongue lashing he deserved. After my insult-laced tirade, I felt better than I had since I began this silliness with a mess-and-a-half. I called him a misogynistic, nasty, womanizing $%@#.  I called him a rotten you-know-what.  It felt good just writing it. After all why mince words. He doesn’t.

And, since what he said that sent me straight to La La Land was via text, it was only befitting that I hurl my insults using the same medium. I could not help myself. I unleashed every emotional thought I had held onto for over two years at him. Before i knew it, I was in La La Land and this time was glad to be there. I was not hurting, not bereft. I was unleashing my wrath on a pathetic narcissist who believes he has carte blanche to insult, hurt, abuse and mistreat others.

Okay friends, I’ll say it … I cursed him out! There, I said it. I cursed him out, and it felt sooooo good! I know some of you are thinking why would I bother.  To that I say why would I not bother. I did it for me! Do I care if it reverberated. Nope. I only care that I said it. I finally said it. I said what needed to be said to someone who had been mean, inconsiderate and a jerk of a human being to me since April 2013.  I no longer felt the need or even had the desire to be dutiful and respectful of someone else’s feelings who believed I deserve much less. When I cursed him out, it freed me! Yup, I’m free of the insanity that I had allowed to control my life for over two years.

When I sat my trash can at the curb yesterday morning, I sat him and his foolishness on top of that can — metaphorically, of course. It felt good. I felt really good.  Thank you God, I was back! I was done. And, this time it was for real. It was effortless. I wasn’t trying to forget about him. I FORGOT about him. I wasn’t trying to move on. I MOVED ON! It was done.

My tirade has been the greatest source of amusement I and my sister-friends have enjoyed in quite awhile.  In fact, one welcomed me back to my reality. To who I really am as an individual.  To the no-nonsense person I am that in my right mind would have never tolerated such blatant mistreatment, abuse from anyone ever. I have divorced husbands for less!

So to those of you who have trash in your home, throw it out. Remove it immediately.  You don’t need it. You’re not supposed to have it anyway. Now that you’ve gotten rid of that nasty, rancid, foul trash …

Be Happy! Love Yourself! It is way past the time for you to be Treating Yourself Wonderfully!

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.

Lamb Chops, Please, Thank You and Good Night…

I want you to grab a seat, your favorite beverage and sit real close.  I’m going to share a secret with you.  I could not effectively go “no contact” with the narcissist for any length of time.  It was too disquieting to my spirit.  I needed to release his hold on me my way, a way that worked for me.  And, before I am bombarded with the importance of “no contact”, I am one who subscribes to the theory that what works for some may not work for others.  “No contact” does not work for me.   The pain I experienced attempting to go “no contact” was unbearable, it was suffocating. I simply could not do it!

I could, however, do it in a manner that has worked for me in the past — Naturally.  A friend told me years ago (about a relationship) when you’re tired, you’ll be tired, no one will have to tell you you’re tired, because you’ll be tired and then and only then will you be able to move on.  You’ll move on painlessly and with little to no effort.  Trust me when I say — you, me, anybody will eventually grow tired of being treated like a doormat, the gum under the bottom of someone’s shoe! This is what first began to attack my senses!  That meanness, the total lack of gratitude I observed when someone is doing everything in their power to please an individual!

So, let me get this straight, you’re going to screw anything wearing a skirt (and I get to watch) and then treat me funky too.  Aaaah Nope. One or the other, definitely not both. That was my thinking.

Have you clued in to the little innuendos in my posts?  Did you pick up the little signs in my writings? Did you notice that I was still in contact with the narcissist?  Yes, I talk to him often.  We text.  We banter back ‘n forth about various topics.  And, you are going to love this  – I even feed him on occasion.  He loves food.  I love to feed people.  So I feed him! If I am drinking my signature Coffee and Bailey’s and he wants one — I share.  I share food and drink with him, but I will not share my heart or my special lady parts ever again.

Natural was the only way to go.  It would happen for me, but it had to happen in its own time — naturally.  When it began to happen naturally, I found I lost all carnal desires for him.  Just like the thief in the night who stole my fun, that same thief returned and stole any desires I had for this man.  My interests became purely neighborly, friendly with the hope that we can live in our community peacefully, harmoniously.  That is, if it can be managed. I won’t , however, tolerate any longer his lack of basic huMAN social graces or simple kindness which begin with Please, Thank You and Good Night.

Several times in the last several weeks, he’s tried to lure me with his charm.  He’s even talked that aggressive, sexy talk he knows I like.  It just doesn’t work on me anymore.  It doesn’t even sound sexy.  Those naked pictures that were once sexy, I now view as goofy (and told him so).  All he can give me, and all I want from him, is conversation on my terms!  He is a sometime cure for my boredom. not a cure for the absence of intimacy in my bedroom.

I can no longer share a bed with this man — definitely not his or mine.  There are just too many folks sharing his bed for my tastes.  Jesus H. Christ!  What was I thinking?  When I determine what was going through my head on January 3, 2013 to begin that Mess-and-a-Half with a Mess-and-a-Half, I’ll write about it (another day/another blog).

Recently, he asked me to prepare his dinner (nil Please). I am also hungry.  I feel like cooking.  I feel like mmmm Lamb Chops.  He’s in luck!  I prepare a great meal of Lamb Chops, mashed potatoes and green beans.  And, what’s a meal without Coffee and Bailey’s.  I deliver his dinner (nil Thank You).  I enjoy my own meal.

Those Lamb Chops were on-point.  They were perfectly prepared.  They were great. Several days later, I mention to him (since he had neglected to do so on his own) how well the Lamp Chops turned out.  He agreed.  One would think that if someone prepares you a really good meal.  A meal that is hot and ready when you arrive home from a day’s work, deliver it to your front door, at the very least a Thank You should be forthcoming.  Perhaps, even tell them how much you enjoyed the meal.  Not this individual.  Only on rare occasions has he ever mentioned how well he has enjoyed a meal I lovingly prepared for him.

A couple of days later, I am celebrating a holiday all by my little ol’ self.  He wants Coffee and Bailey’s.  I share! I saw him earlier, and noticed that he went out of his way to greet me. Never mind the previous day he ignored my texts.  I knew why he was so affable.  I knew what he wanted — Food/Drink.  He is welcome to my special Coffee and Bailey’s!  Before my transformation, I would have ran inside and conjured him up a meal despite the fact that I did not feel like cooking nor was I hungry.  I’m a new, improved me. He will have to initiate a Plan B for dinner cause this girl ain’t cooking!

He sends me those goofy naked pictures.  I play along.  We text until I realize I am a little inebriated.  I take him a second Coffee and Bailey’s before I lay me down to sleep.  I sit it on his porch.  When I ask him if he’s retrieved the drink from his porch?  His response is “yep“!  Okay, you’ve got the drink.  He is as usual too ungracious to mutter a simple Thank You.  I later send a “Good Night” text.  He does not respond.  Seriously!  Are you kidding me!  No one is that obtuse.

Who cannot say “Good Night“? What a complete and utter idiot, I think to myself.  I can no longer ignore his lack of simple, common social graces.  Please, Thank You and Good Night are just that —  common social graces.  Suddenly, it hits me, it’s as if someone hits me over the head with a full bottle of my Bailey’s — this man is more than a narcissist, he’s a cad, a Neanderthal.  I found it odd that he had difficulties with Please and Thank You.  But, it just never really hit me like it did this evening.  No “Good Night” to someone who has prepared and delivered not one but two Coffee and Bailey’s to your front door. I’m stunned!

I have evolved!  I am more aware what is really going on here.  This is someone who is void of decorum and civility.  He’s not only a narcissist, he is rude and unpolished.  Now for me who believes in etiquette and protocol, this is plain ol’ nasty! YUCK!  More than any of his other egregious behaviors, this is a dealbreaker.  Okay, call me crazy but that is who I am.

I could probably work through the narcissism, the misogynist, even his womanizing. When you add a lack of common social graces, no Please, no Thank You and no Good Night, it is a no-can-do.

I get it! I know what some of you are thinking.  How can anyone stand a lying, cheating man, a womanizer.  To that I refer you to my post Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude. He was doing no more than I have always expected of men.  Okay, a lot more.  Still the overall behavior was expected.

It used to leave me feeling rejected and disheartened when he would ignore me.  It was heartbreaking that he could be so cruel, hard-hearted, petulant and mean.  The lack of good social graces, saying Please, Thank You and Good Night crosses the line!

I am slightly inebriated and in no mood for his shenanigans this evening.  I am no longer the silly woman trying to share his bed.  I do what I want to do for him as a trade-off.  I need a good conversation every now and then — nothing more, nothing less.  Tonight, I heave his behind back over my imaginary boundary so fast, he has to think someone had stolen my cellphone.

I text him and tell him about his boorish, churlish, cloddish, uncouth, classless, uncultivated, unpolished, unsophisticated, tasteless, vulgar; oafish, stupid, impolite, mannerless, rude, uncivil, ungracious behavior.  Imagine his surprise.

Of course, he ignores these texts.  The following morning tho’ he responds with a “What“.  But since I really don’t feel like communicating with him, I ignore his text.

The narcissist has totally underestimated the transformation, conversion, reconstruction, revamping, metamorphosis and renewal of my spirit.  I have had a spiritual overhaul to my heart and soul.  I have shifted gears.  I am singing a different tune. I have turned over a new leaf, turned the corner and turned the tables.  ON YOU!  Yes, narcissist I have turned the tables on you.

I will no longer accept such atrocious behavior.  I expect respect.  I am going to live this close and be happy and at peace.  I expect civility.  And, if my demands means that he will not talk to me for a few days, do I really give a flying pig!  Aaaaah Nope!  I know his secret, his weakness  — he does not want to be feuding neighbors either.

He’s a narcissist, that is a given.  The respect of our neighbors is important to him.  And while the neighbors are aware of his shenanigans — they do not know about me.  Nor does he want them to know!  The neighbors adore me. They would be disappointed that I went that way, but would be repulsed with him and his behaviors having me so close. Make no mistake about it, he does not want the neighbors looking at him sideways.

Is he even aware of his lack of class and sophistication?  Does he even realize that being the smartest, best looking, best dressed, most accomplished person in a room does not make up for a lack of politeness, a lack of civility.  Silly boy!

Another snippet into the real story about the Mess-and-a-Half, I bent over backwards (sometimes forward).  He was an addiction, an obsession.  Now, I could care less. I am narcissist-free and feeling good about me.  Sometimes I look at him and see a Cyclop.

My sister friends who know me, know me well. They are not surprised by my behavior nowadays.  They knew when pushed too hard, I make a complete about-face.  Something I had forgotten about myself.  It was the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who said know thyself.  Even when I did not know where I was headed, what I should be, what I should be doing, I knew I had limited tolerance for a lack of sophistication, decorum, etiquette and social graces.

And, as the sister friends would say, I can be as fickle as the days are long.  I am madly in love one minute and completely turned off the next. Mission accomplished. Narcissist, you have turned me completely off.  I must admit you had me going for a minute (317 days). That part of me that was attracted to someone of your ilk is gone. The thief stole that too!

As I look back over my life, I realize that I have had a pattern of allowing disrespectful, demanding, fault-finding, heedless, ingrate, self-centered, selfish, thankless, and unappreciative behaviors.

In fact, the narcissist was only allowed to set up shop in my world because of my lack of establishing healthy boundaries.  For the men and the sister friends who have often left me thinking “Unh?” what just happened, I give a strong warning I am not the person I used to be.  I have boundaries now.  Hip Hip Hooray.

Respect my boundaries.  And, if you ask me to prepare Lamb Chops for you, remember to say Please.  When I serve them, do not forget to say Thank You and if I say Good Night, I suggest you respond in kind.

And now I go“no contact” without even trying!

Please tell your friends about my blog.  Thank you for reading my blog.  And Good Night everyone!

Treat yourselves wonderfully.  And, demand that others do, as well!

La La Land…

is where I was for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days of 2013, due to a Mess-and-a-Half which I had immersed myself.  This morning, I was talking on the telephone to a sister friend — the one who really should think about becoming a stand-up comedian.  I was telling my sister friend that I recognized sometime ago that my off-and-on vacation stops in La La Land over the narcissist were more symptoms of my overall state-of-mind, my muddling than any unhappiness with the Mess-and-a-Half.  I conveyed this notion to my counselor and other sister friends months ago.

She got it!  Don’t you love it when you are having difficulty expressing yourself and the individual on the other end “gets it”.  I know I do.  She responded almost immediately that she had noticed that when I would travel to La La Land, ranting and raving about the narcissist that I was usually dealing with other not-so-pleasant aspects of my life!  Other parts of my life were off kilter.  Helter-skelter so-to-speak.

Ask yourselves these questions:  Are other parts of your life imbalanced?  Are you worrying about your children?  Are you worrying about your finances? Are you able to do many of the things you enjoy? Are your needs being met?  Do you have the things you want/need? How’s your health?  Do you hate your job?  Your boss?  Or, your co-workers?  I can think of a few others but you get the point, I’m sure.

After the roller coaster I had been riding began to descend, I would take periodic trips to La La Land.  I would talk about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half without interruption, incessantly, constantly, continually, non-stop, around the clock, interminably, unremittingly, ceaselessly, endlessly, all day, every day.  I pause here to express my appreciation to the sister friends who entertained my insanity.  And, trust me that is exactly where I was — In my very own La La Land, Insanityville USA.

I needed answers!  I would investigate, play detective and scrutinize every minute detail about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half.  I was going to figure out what went wrong, what had I done wrong that caused me to lose the momentary happiness I’d had for three months.  I was going to determine one way or the other why it had disappeared — literally overnight, in six hours! 

When the downward spiral began, I had just accepted a new and demanding position.  I was working diligently at putting other aspects of my life in order, after having been gone for several years.  My home needed repairs, I was worried about my children, one of my sister friends was gravely ill and I was dealing with all that life was throwing at me.  I referred to it as hitting baseballs in one of those little cages.  As soon as you hit one, there was another coming at you.  As I reflect back on those days, I realize now that, with all that was going on, my making the Mess-and-a-Half a focal point, probably staved off my leaving La La Land for a trip to Crazytown.

I’m telling you he’s more of a symptom than anything else, I would tell the sister friends often.  With the narcissist as my focal point, I would take a trip to La La Land at any given moment.   There would be days where I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner in La La Land. I cared a great deal about the narcissist — that I won’t deny.  However, my insanity was not all about the narcissist.  It had a lot to do with the all-encompassing fog that was growing denser.

He was a symptom.  Simple as that.  Think about how often you have been in La La Land and swore it was one thing only to discover it was altogether something totally different.  Been there, done that many times over the years.  There was a lot on my plate.  Some aspects of my life were overwhelming at the time.  And then I became introduced to narcissism. Something I knew absolutely nothing about.

I often think now would I have been such a willing and easy target for someone of such odious ilk had I not already been in a fog.  Going to La La Land would be a short trip for me.  Who’s to say.  But given the circumstances and the intimate knowledge I possessed, probably not.  The narcissist’s intrusion into a life where I was simply muddling along would be the impetus I needed to exit La La Land.

I needed this assault on my soul, my very being.  I desperately needed to wake up, smell the roses and put my life in order — one piece at a time. I needed self-esteem.  I needed to establish boundaries.  And, I needed to think about myself a little more and everyone else a little less.  I needed to Treat Myself Better than Well … I needed to Treat Myself Wonderfully.  I get it now!

Treat Yourselves Better than Well … Treat Yourselves Wonderfully!

I don’t need sex…

Of course, I enjoy good sex as much as the next girl.  But I don’t need it.  I am happy when I have it.  But I am not unhappy because I don’t!  Physical love does not validate me.  It obviously seems to validate my narcissist.

Recently we were engaging in one of our bantering discussions when he remarked that I was in love with the sex.  I kinda went ballistic.  Ok, I did go ballistic.  I responded “I do not and have NEVER fallen in love with a man because of sex… A brain YES! Sex, absolutely not.”  Is he serious.  I am becoming increasingly more insolent. I love a man’s brain! Now that is what turns me on!

Understand this, when I was out-of-my-mind over him, he could have said the same thing and though it was not true not even then, I would not have disputed this untruth.  See, what he never knew about me — largely because he is so into himself — I have never been all that sexual. Silly narcissist!

A narcissist will never know you.  They will never get to know your likes or dislikes. They will not take notice to what turns you on or turns you off.  They are only concerned about themselves.  Had he paid the slightest attention, he would have noticed how much I enjoyed the bantering, the laughing and the fun we were having. He would have also noticed, it was not the sex that I enjoyed nearly as much as the companionship he provided.  The sex, for me, was the cherry on the sundae — not the freaking sundae, moron.  I don’t need sex. Never have. I enjoy it when it is available but don’t yearn for it when it’s not.

Does he really think so little of all women that every woman only wants a man for sex?  Of course he does.  He has women traipsing in and out of his house every day.  This evening, I got the biggest giggle — one who had spent last night left and another arrived five hours later.  Wow!  Seriously!  I would bet a paycheck a good number of them are in it for the sex! And, as long as that many are in it for the sex, why wouldn’t he believe WE all are.

For a couple of days now, I have pondered this discussion.  I understand now that he uses physical love to validate, to control.  He actually thought he was punishing me taking away the sex.  No, you idiot, it was the companionship that you took from me that hurt so deeply. Now that was my punishment!

My weakness has always been smart men with loads of brain power.  And, to my failing, a good-looking one! So I thought I had hit pay dirt when I seemingly had found both in one man given the demographics (7 to 1).  An intelligent man who can hold a conversation about nearly anything. Hallelujah! And you wonder why the other women did not affect me so much! I was in heaven! Then came hell!

We would talk for hours about politics and the state of the world. We would talk about food, animals, the neighbors, love and life.  Why would he be so foolish as to believe it was the sex?  With his plethora of women, he has come to believe that is what everyone wants from him.  He never realized for one moment that possibly that may not have been me, as well.

What I loved and enjoyed immensely were the text messages throughout the day, all day everyday. I loved the “good mornings honey, baby sweetie” every morning before 6:30 am.  I loved the way he made me laugh.  He was silly!  Once he made me laugh so hard, he had to catch me from falling out of his bed. So, dear narcissist don’t fool yourself — it may have been physical for you but it was not for me.

I even told him at one point, he was just not doing it for me.  I was not enjoying it.  On one occasion I said “I need a cup or two of passion with my sex.  No kissing, no foreplay — that does not work with me.”  As you can see, I was emerging from my fog. I am telling him what I think — not what he wants to hear. Of course, I am partly to blame for his outrageous thinking as I made all the funny noises and left him thinking he had rocked my world. But isn’t this just something some of us girls do from time to time. I know I do!

I am emerging from my fog.  I am finding my voice and reclaiming my power.  My narcissist, “the sex was robotic.  And, it didn’t seem like you were enjoying it all that much either.”  It was manual, manufactured robotic sex.  I could almost tell what move he would make and when.  It was always the same in the same place.  It was routine! And he thinks I am some sex-crazed woman. Seriously, my narcissist think! If you only knew that if that was all you had to offer me, I would not have been in this mess!

I get it now! According to Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisted, “[n]arcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.”  Bingo! I was right, he was not enjoying it. He was working!

On a couple of occasions, I ask to cuddle.  His response was hilarious. Yes, I laughed because it was funny. He behaved like Al Bundy.  You would have thought I asked for his worldly possessions. He whined. He actually whined! I could not help but laugh.

As I continue on my path to living a full and wonderful life, I realize his life will remain empty and void of true happiness and unconditional love.  I will achieve real happiness, the kind of happiness derived from loving one’s self, living a satisfying and fulfilling life, surrounded and loved by people who have depth and substance.  I will be spiritually sound and validated through these things — not by empty and robotic sex.

I don’t need sex!  I need emotional and spiritual love for my hot fudge sundae with or without the cherry on top.

Treat yourselves wonderfully!

I was not going to hurt…

I loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor feeling bad.  Sure we all do.  But some of us can stand it maybe a tad bit better than others.  I hate it!!!  What’s important here is not who can and who can’t as much as how much I hate it. I hate it so badly that it would become the catalyst I needed to find consolation, peace, solace, relief and happiness, someway, somehow, somewhere.  This girl was not going any further into the depths of misery than I had already gone.  Then I had allowed myself to be taken.  I was going to get out of misery. And, I was going to be better, get better and move on.

I simply … was … not … going … to … hurt another minute, hour, day or week.  So, I definitely wasn’t going to spend another year in the misery I had created for myself out of ignorance and as another blogger so aptly quoted the definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I had spent nearly all of my adult life in go-nowhere relationships with men who were either broken, wounded, emotionally unavailable and now I realize some may even have been narcissists, misogynists or even sociopaths. I made excuses, forgave not just poor behavior but bad behaviors.  I would say through all of the bad relationships, I now realize that the Saving Grace of my awesome God saved me over and over again.  Repeatedly, I was able to get out and move on with hardly any scars. I would continue to trust. I continued to believe in huMANity.  And, I continued to be in hurtful relationships!

My relationship with a narcissist has shown me how careless I had been with my heart.  I can still trust but I need to be more discerning.  I must believe what I see is what they are.  I must not make excuses for bad behavior.  If he is a lying, cheating, debaucherous, womanizing fool, I will accept that and keep on stepping. There is no other way! No excuses, no compromising. He is not the man for me. To simplify it, I don’t need him and I don’t want him.

As I sit here on another cold and blustery day — yep you guessed it with my Bailey’s and coffee — I write in my blog and read the writings of other sister friends in the struggle. And Lord knows being in a narcissistic relationship is a struggle.  It is one that will suck the life out of you.  It strikes at your very core.  It hurts you so deeply and so badly that you honestly believe the pain is physical! That was me in 2013.  That was my pain.  I was suffocating.

And then I decided I … was … not … going … to … hurt!  I … was … not … going … to … hurt another second. The pain had to go away and it had to go away right freaking now!  I set out on a mission to feel better.  I needed a plan.  First stage — counseling. I nearly ran into the counselor’s office!

At one point, I would beat myself up mercilessly for allowing such foolishness into my life. Sister friends and counselor urged me to stop blaming myself.  Little did I know then, that was yet another stage of my plan of action.  It actually helped in the healing. I needed to blame myself. Why? Because I was taking responsibility for my part in the nonsense.  I had watched this man and his shenanigan’s for ten years.  I knew better.  Good Lord what was I thinking?

I prayed and asked for guidance.  That guidance came in the form of showing me he was a narcissist.  Who knew?  Seems everyone but me.  When I realized narcissism was real, I saw him differently.  I saw him as flawed, as broken thereby a weak man.  I do not like weak men!  I no longer blamed me.  He was clinically ill.  There was nothing I had done to cause this.  I think sometimes I may have forgiven him before I forgave myself.  Forgiving myself was a bit of a challenge.  Forgiving him not so much.  He was a womanizer.  I knew that! Why? Now, that I did not know.

And then because I … was … not … going … to … hurt, I started to turn it all around to a positive. I needed this experience.  I needed something to bring me out of a fog that I was in that was only getting more and more dense. I needed a wake-up call.  The narcissist gave me just that. He made me realize that I deserve a wonderful, kind and loving man. One who does not wear a mask, one who does not lure you in and then BAM, the floor drops out from underneath you.

My relationship with this man caused me to have expectations.  It has changed me. I will never date a married man, a man who I know is in a committed relationship ever again.  I definitely will not be a part of anyone’s harem.  And, as far as the sex goes, he will have to work harder at it before I turn over my special lady parts.

I am now on the right track.  My self-esteem, my love for me improves daily.  Each and everyday I think of my wants and needs. I made a mistake.  But, I will not allow that faux pas to cause me any long-term damage.  I will move on to better and greater heights.  I will live better than I have ever thought I would or could.  And, I will spend how ever many days I need alone, absolving myself, loving myself and improving me.

No I … was … not … going … to … hurt any longer. I am going to be happy in love with me, my new best friend!

Treat yourselves better than well!  Treat yourselves WONDERFULLY!

Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude…

Two of my favorite and comforting things are Bailey’s and Gummi Bears!  Before my narcissist, everyone else’s wants and needs came before mine.  Whatever my children liked or he liked, I made sure they had it.

Recently I was asked how “can [you] stay in touch with him, after what you went through? Do you have to keep in touch? Or do you want to? And is it part of the letting go? “ I responded and then thought about it late into the evening and most of the day. My answer is simple.  I want to be happy.  I can only be happy if I have forgiven myself first and him second.  Being angry with myself or him would interfere with that happiness.  And, I am thinking I may even owe the narcissist a debt of gratitude.

Most men I have known — mine, friends and others — have cheated.  Heck, even the President of the United States cheated.  So, in some sordid and sick way, I always expected men to do just that — cheat. I told myself it was embedded in their DNA.  I had no expectations that they would do anything but … cheat. So, given what I knew about the narcissist who is but a stone’s throw away from my front door, he was doing what I expected men to do … cheat.

Did I think his behavior was over-the-top?  Yes, I did.  Even then tho’, I just believed he was the worse I had seen.  It was not until I began looking for my peace that I discovered he was more than over-the-top, he was flawed, broken, a wounded soul (if he does have one). He is a narcissist!

Then there’s me who before the narcissist never had much self-esteem. Everyone is constantly telling me how smart I am, how amazing I am and that I am attractive.  Yet, I did not see myself in quite the same light.  When the narcissist entered my world and disrupted my peaceful and uneventful existence, I was not sad but I was not happy either. I was simply trying to figure out my next move. Where would I work? Or, would I start my own business? I was already in a fog before the narcissist and was a sitting duck for his shenanigans.

For three months, I had a ball. He was engaging, fun and kept me laughing all day, every day.  And, he was attentive. Then one day out of the clear blue it just all went away! Gone, Poof.  In God’s name what just happened. I would spend the next several months trying to reclaim my happiness that I had found with him by any means necessary.  My Id was out of control.

I watched him with the others pretty much every single day and was dying inside because I was getting no attention and here he is spending time with everyone else but me! What held me hostage was when I thought he was developing feelings for someone.  Despite what the sister friends and counselor were telling silly me, I did not accept that he wouldn’t because he couldn’t. That he did not have the capacity to have feelings for me, for them, for anyone.  He had to like her … look how much time he’s spending with her, I thought to myself!

I never expected him to stop his womanizing, at least not for me.  I did expect him to continue to make me laugh, to have fun, to spend time together, to share meals. And just like that it was gone! The women were not half as bad on my psyche as the way he would begin to treat me. Ignoring me, being mean-spirited, canceling, unnecessary lying, punishments, etc. etc.  That is what drove me to get better, to be better.

The question I have asked myself previously and again last night … did he really mistreat me.  Yes and no.  I mistreated myself more than he ever could have. I knew what I was getting into given his shenanigans.  I knew he did not, could not have much respect for women.  Who sleeps with a different female every night?  A misogynist, perhaps! (And a narcissist.) No man who respects and adores women would behave in such a callous manner unless he harbors ill-will against women.  You know I am right here.

If he had made a pass at me two years ago, I would have laughed in his face.  He caught me when I was muddling along and not in a very good place.  And my Id took it from there! I am no longer muddling.  Thank God for my super ego. It came to the rescue and saved me.  I am in a good place, out of the fog.

Why the Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude?  I have a fondness for Bailey’s with or without coffee.  And, I love Gummi Bears.  I always ensured everyone in my life had whatever they wanted or needed, including him — me not so much. As I was coming out of my fog, I began to concentrate on me and my needs more and more.  Everyone else’s needs became secondary to mine. Had it not been for the narcissist, I would have continued to provide for everyone else first and foremost.  I realize now I should also provide for me — only now, I come first!

I love Phyllis Hyman.  One of my favorite songs is I Refuse to be Lonely.  I listened to that song every day, all day as I was emerging from my fog, specifically the verse … “I’ve got a right to take care of myself, I realize that I come first before anyone else”.

I found my oldest child an apartment and put him in it.  He was too old to be at home any way.  I would not allow my youngest child to return home.  She was also too old to be living at home.  I began to fix up my home to suit me. I bought furniture (after having giving each of them mine).

I am never without my favorites Bailey’s and Gummi Bears. I still may have what others like but I am not sacrificing my needs in the process.

I have expectations now for any man in my life.  Either treat me right or move on to the next one.  If they all cheat, so be it. Guess I’ll be alone. And, I am okay with that!  My narcissist made me realize that I should have expectations. That I should love myself first.  He made me realize I am so much better than what I have accepted from him and others before him.

On this blustery, cold and snowy day, I sit here in my living room, sipping on a cup of hot coffee and Bailey’s.  My Gummi Bears are on my nightstand as my night-time snack. And, can say to my narcissist with sincerity and Gratitude … Thank You.  Thank You for without you, I would have never found me.  I have never felt better about myself.

I look at my narcissist as we leave or enter our respective homes and with a smile on my face say “Hey”! I am loving me! Not him!  I am forgiven and he is, as well!

Isn’t it comforting to know the simplest and smallest things can mean so much!

Treat yourselves well.

What I will not be …

Is anyone’s victim!  Someone posted this to Facebook today, and did it hit home with me. My Narcissist will not and cannot define who I am, who I strive to be and, within the depths of my soul, deserve to be.  He was merely a stepping stone to my path to greatness.  Thank you my Narcissist. I’ve alluded to this gratitude in other posts. Though I still have days where the struggle is not as easy as I would like, it remains comforting to know that I found my peace within me because of him.  I found my niche in life —  my writing.

The ability to express your words in written form is exhilarating, fulfilling, gratifying, self-satisfying, stimulating and uplifting.  I am hopeful that during this journey, I can offer consolation to others who may have shared the experience of Love With a Narcissist.  The pain is real.  It is different.  Doesn’t it sometimes feels like you were kicked in the gut?  Know this, it is temporary. The instinct to survive and live happily saved me.  My intense hatred for feeling badly inspired me to find a measure of peace.

I have always been lauded for having a certain kind of strength.  So imagine everyone’s surprise when I was caught in the clutches of a Narcissist. There were days when I was screaming from the bottom of my lungs. GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS I’VE GOTTEN MYSELF INTO RIGHT FREAKING NOW!!!  My sister friends were nursing me back to my sanity while at the same time acknowledging my pain.  Yes, it took them a minute, but those amazing girls got me closer to sanity.  They were like a pain pill, a relaxer!  I was detoxing from the Narcissist.

Loving a narcissist becomes an addiction much like crack.  Even when you don’t want them anymore, there’s a part of you that works diligently at trying to return the relationship you once enjoyed.  I struggled for seven months trying to recapture the laughter, the companionship, the fun.  I wanted my fun back and let out all the stops trying to reclaim that fun we had shared.

One sister friend described their support as when I was leaning backwards, they were standing behind me, anchoring me to return me to an upright position.  She said that each time I leaned too far backwards, they pushed me upwards.  I know this to be true.  They never abandoned me.  I know that without their love, it would have been even more difficult. Do I have bad days now?  Of course I do.  But they are more moments than bad days and do not overwhelm me.  I can breathe!  When I feel badly about my experience, I reverse my thoughts to how I allowed myself to be treated so poorly.

See, my Narcissist did not and could not, even if he had wanted to, separate me from family and friends.  The sister friends are a bit forceful.  He could have tried ’til the cows came home and yet his efforts would have been fruitless.

One sister friend, who should have her own comedy show, used to joke daily about coming to where we live and molly-wopping him.  When the two women on two separate occasions showed up at my door coincidentally, accidentally and inadvertently (supposedly), she was ready to molly-wop everybody, him included.

In all the years I’ve known this man, as he is my neighbor, people knocking on my door for him had never happened. Then I began the foolishness with him and bam — two visitors in six months! It is important to remember I have watched this man and his shenanigans for years.

Never would I have thought I would have done such a silly thing.  And, this is what made it so difficult for me — forgiving myself. I knew exactly who I was dealing with, just not what.  For 365 days I did not know I was engaging in a relationship with a narcissist.  I just never thought it to be a personality disorder.

What I will not be is bitter, angry and any less-loving than I am.  I will continue to trust people.  Mind you, this has oftentimes been a failing of mine.  My self-esteem was never the greatest.  He comes along and now think I am Queen of the Nile! I could only think clearly and succinctly when I discovered there was nothing wrong with me. That there was something clinical wrong with him.  It became easier and easier for me to forgive myself, recognize my shortcomings, namely how I had allowed myself to indulge in his insanity, and then the healing began.

What I will not be is someone who feels victimized.  Of course, he could have treated me better. That, however, is his cross to bear — Not Mine!  Feeling victimized or a victim will not help me to heal, or to move on.  And, moving on is what I have done.

What I will be is happy, vibrant and enjoying every single day of my new life!

Treat yourselves well.