Tag Archives: life experience

I simply forgot …

who I really am. During my 2+ years of despair, I forgot I had strengths. I forgot to love myself.  So today, while walking my sweet pooch, I thought about those drafts of posts I had started but never finished. They are indicative of my state of mind over the last 2+ years. As I began to trash them, I could not help but think about how I felt when I started each draft.

Sometime I ago, I began to write, I have fallen madly, hopelessly in love … with myself. This was my affirmation when I awoke one morning. Although I told myself this, I did not actually believe it. I was still in anguish, still believing I had committed some major faux pas that ended the fun I was having. I wanted to believe I loved myself enough to end my emotional turmoil. Somehow just saying it made me think I was actually loving myself and this would eliminate my pain. I soon discovered I was still in pain … and it was because I was still not loving myself!

I get it!!!! One of my very close friends was experiencing a life-changing event. She forced herself to say only positive things about herself. She would not allow herself to say one negative word about herself. Not even in the slightest.  For her it became all about the positives… (another trashed draft). She helped me to understand that beating, denigrating and being critical of myself would not help me to heal. It would only keep me in the fog that I desperately wanted to rid myself of.

Was it really Love ….Absolutely Not! Trying to determine if I had foolishly allowed myself to be in love was the impetus of this unfinished draft. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized this was not my problem. My problem was how can I treat someone so well and they treat me with so little regard, with no consideration of my feelings. No quid pro quo. You give the very best of you for companionship, for friendship.  The other person only takes. It was during this time that I began to realize my giving nature had zero business being involved with someone who only takes.

Accepting responsibility … was the most important part of my beginning to heal. Knowing what I knew about the narcissist that I allowed in my world, was my fault. I knew what this person was. I knew this person had multiple lovers. After all, he’s only a stone’s throw away from my front door.  I knew this person. I had watched this mess-and-a-half for over ten years. I knew that he was a womanizer to the nth degree. What I thought was that given our proximity, he would be considerate. He would not tell lies, that I would know were lies. What I thought was that despite his obvious sexual proclivities, he would be a human being, that he would at the very least be a decent person.

I’d rather pull weeds … than to share that bed ever again in this life or the next one, for that matter. When I was approached one morning and asked if I would come over for a little dalliance, my immediate response was I’m pulling weeds from my garden today. Kinda funny isn’t. It was a natural response. You know the kind where you didn’t even think before you spoke. It just came out. All I can say is after all of the inconsideration, the blatant disrespect, there was no way, I would share that bed with him (and the 20 others). No way. After all, I had accepted responsibility for my foolishness.

I had allowed him to fool me once, thinking he was at best a person with some regard for others.  I was clueless about narcissism. Yes, I knew he was a womanizer. But I was not looking for a committed relationship. Companionship, friendship and someone who makes you laugh were good enough for me … I thought. There would be no fooling me a second time. This mess-and-a-half is a shameless human being.  While I accept responsibility for the first fooling, I was placing blame on him as well for both. Who does that? Who goes through life hurting people, intentionally.  A person with no conscience. A narcissist. I cannot wrap my head around someone who behaves like this. I just cannot.

What “no contact” means to me… I began to seriously give some credibility to “no contact“.  After that fateful day in August 2014, I knew it was long past the time for me to let it go. I really just have to …Let it go (another blog being trashed).  I read a sermon online about leaving things that are not good for you. It resonated with me. Spiritually, I knew I was being spoken to by my God. I knew that the only way out of this fog was to let …. this … go.  Leave it! Move on! Do not look back.

He called, I did not answer. He text, I did not respond. I had hit my bottom and I could only go up from here. No Contact begins.

Six days … five partners. Early in my no contact, I noted in six days, he had five women. For some reason, I felt differently than before. This was no unusual behavior for him. What was unusual was the effect it had on me. I saw it for what it really was … repulsive. What in God’s name was I thinking back in December 2012.  I knew this was common behavior for him.  But the effect it had on me this time was what it always should have been.  Repulsion, disgust, abhorrence, repugnance, aversion, distaste. I was getting there!

The better than best feeling … was seeing what the mess-and-a-half for what he really is.  It began to free me. What a difference a year makes (another trashed blog). On January 1, 2015, I was feeling better. I noticed that I no longer cared who was visiting. Seeing him gave me no pangs.  And, for certain, I was beginning to become me again. I really was loving myself — not just telling myself uttering the words.  I realized I had erred in judgment as most humans do at some point in their lives.  What I was not going to do was beat myself up any longer. After all, as a human being he had a responsibility to be a human being, to treat people with kindness and respect. This is not my failing. It is his!  

Seafood night … after trying for a semblance of a friendship, he told me that he missed me, that he missed our seafood nights together. Why shouldn’t he? They were fun. There is nothing like good food and friendship. But wait, in a matter of days, his true colors surfaced.  I knew at that moment, I did not even want his friendship.  So, I put him in his place cursed him out, and on that day, at that very moment I was free, Free at last… Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last (another blog for the trash).

Now, I’m just concentrating on the positives, being grateful for reclaiming myself, my life, not wearing my friends’ ears out with incessant and constant chatter of the mess-and-a-half.

Here I am on this lovely fall day… doing what I love (writing) and ….

Treating myself wonderfully!

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.

60, 49, 39

Last Tuesday, I turned 60 years old.  The big 60, 6-0! I wanted to shut myself in a room and scream — how in the world did this happen.  I don’t want to be 60. I want to be 49 or even 39.  Definitely, not 60. I am not interested in the alternative either! Not one bit. So, I guess I will embrace my 60 and move right along.

As I sit here and review my life, my mistakes, my successes, my hopes and my dreams, one thing is certain, the last year became the year that I would come into my own. It is the year that I would discover my true passion.  It is to write.  It is the year, I would establish healthy boundaries.  And, it is the year that caused me to decide I would make changes.

To begin, I invoke the 12 Steps for Self Care.

12 Steps for Self Care

I invoke self-esteem. I invoke self-confidence. I invoke self-respect. I invoke a peacefulness within me that transcends negativity and drama.  I invoke love.  I invoke discernment.  I invoke positive and loving thoughts.

I invoke relationships that are kind and loving. I invoke happiness and laughter. I invoke all that is good and wonderful.  I invoke the continued love of my friends. I invoke a life filled with the promise of all that God has in store for me. I invoke success and prosperity.

I invoke my children will live full lives filled with happiness and enjoyment.

As I enter this new decade in my life, I decide what is right for me and will hold onto it. I, and I along, will decide that which is wrong and leave it.  I will, without hesitation, eliminate anything or anyone from my life that doesn’t feel right, that is disquieting to my spirit.

I abandon what has ill served me in the past. I abandon relationships with the emotionally unavailable. I abandon casual sex — sex without commitment or monogamy. I abandon negativity and drama. I abandon those that make me doubt myself.

I abandon the following words in any future posts:  narcissist, misogynist, womanizer, sociopath, psychopath or any words or references that gave birth to this blog.  That is the past. I abandon that past.  It is but one tiny aspect of my otherwise full and wonderful life. I abandon all vexations.

I abandon any conversations with the sister friends about the past year.  I abandon any efforts for that one experience to define me or cause me another minute of discomfort.  I am breathing fresh air.

I will love myself. I have closed a chapter in my life and am now writing a new one which will be filled with the love and goodness for which I was placed on this earth. I may not be able to turn back the clock and be 49 or 39. But I will be 60 and proud of it. I will be 60 knowing that I have yet another opportunity to improve myself and do things a little differently.

I will be 60 and Happy and In Love With Me. I will say goodbye to my 50s with some sadness but knowing that I am a better me. I am 60. I am 60 and have emerged from the fog.

I will treat myself better than well, I will treat myself wonderfully with the one caveat that others will also treat me well.

Treat yourselves wonderfully every single day!

Lamb Chops, Please, Thank You and Good Night…

I want you to grab a seat, your favorite beverage and sit real close.  I’m going to share a secret with you.  I could not effectively go “no contact” with the narcissist for any length of time.  It was too disquieting to my spirit.  I needed to release his hold on me my way, a way that worked for me.  And, before I am bombarded with the importance of “no contact”, I am one who subscribes to the theory that what works for some may not work for others.  “No contact” does not work for me.   The pain I experienced attempting to go “no contact” was unbearable, it was suffocating. I simply could not do it!

I could, however, do it in a manner that has worked for me in the past — Naturally.  A friend told me years ago (about a relationship) when you’re tired, you’ll be tired, no one will have to tell you you’re tired, because you’ll be tired and then and only then will you be able to move on.  You’ll move on painlessly and with little to no effort.  Trust me when I say — you, me, anybody will eventually grow tired of being treated like a doormat, the gum under the bottom of someone’s shoe! This is what first began to attack my senses!  That meanness, the total lack of gratitude I observed when someone is doing everything in their power to please an individual!

So, let me get this straight, you’re going to screw anything wearing a skirt (and I get to watch) and then treat me funky too.  Aaaah Nope. One or the other, definitely not both. That was my thinking.

Have you clued in to the little innuendos in my posts?  Did you pick up the little signs in my writings? Did you notice that I was still in contact with the narcissist?  Yes, I talk to him often.  We text.  We banter back ‘n forth about various topics.  And, you are going to love this  – I even feed him on occasion.  He loves food.  I love to feed people.  So I feed him! If I am drinking my signature Coffee and Bailey’s and he wants one — I share.  I share food and drink with him, but I will not share my heart or my special lady parts ever again.

Natural was the only way to go.  It would happen for me, but it had to happen in its own time — naturally.  When it began to happen naturally, I found I lost all carnal desires for him.  Just like the thief in the night who stole my fun, that same thief returned and stole any desires I had for this man.  My interests became purely neighborly, friendly with the hope that we can live in our community peacefully, harmoniously.  That is, if it can be managed. I won’t , however, tolerate any longer his lack of basic huMAN social graces or simple kindness which begin with Please, Thank You and Good Night.

Several times in the last several weeks, he’s tried to lure me with his charm.  He’s even talked that aggressive, sexy talk he knows I like.  It just doesn’t work on me anymore.  It doesn’t even sound sexy.  Those naked pictures that were once sexy, I now view as goofy (and told him so).  All he can give me, and all I want from him, is conversation on my terms!  He is a sometime cure for my boredom. not a cure for the absence of intimacy in my bedroom.

I can no longer share a bed with this man — definitely not his or mine.  There are just too many folks sharing his bed for my tastes.  Jesus H. Christ!  What was I thinking?  When I determine what was going through my head on January 3, 2013 to begin that Mess-and-a-Half with a Mess-and-a-Half, I’ll write about it (another day/another blog).

Recently, he asked me to prepare his dinner (nil Please). I am also hungry.  I feel like cooking.  I feel like mmmm Lamb Chops.  He’s in luck!  I prepare a great meal of Lamb Chops, mashed potatoes and green beans.  And, what’s a meal without Coffee and Bailey’s.  I deliver his dinner (nil Thank You).  I enjoy my own meal.

Those Lamb Chops were on-point.  They were perfectly prepared.  They were great. Several days later, I mention to him (since he had neglected to do so on his own) how well the Lamp Chops turned out.  He agreed.  One would think that if someone prepares you a really good meal.  A meal that is hot and ready when you arrive home from a day’s work, deliver it to your front door, at the very least a Thank You should be forthcoming.  Perhaps, even tell them how much you enjoyed the meal.  Not this individual.  Only on rare occasions has he ever mentioned how well he has enjoyed a meal I lovingly prepared for him.

A couple of days later, I am celebrating a holiday all by my little ol’ self.  He wants Coffee and Bailey’s.  I share! I saw him earlier, and noticed that he went out of his way to greet me. Never mind the previous day he ignored my texts.  I knew why he was so affable.  I knew what he wanted — Food/Drink.  He is welcome to my special Coffee and Bailey’s!  Before my transformation, I would have ran inside and conjured him up a meal despite the fact that I did not feel like cooking nor was I hungry.  I’m a new, improved me. He will have to initiate a Plan B for dinner cause this girl ain’t cooking!

He sends me those goofy naked pictures.  I play along.  We text until I realize I am a little inebriated.  I take him a second Coffee and Bailey’s before I lay me down to sleep.  I sit it on his porch.  When I ask him if he’s retrieved the drink from his porch?  His response is “yep“!  Okay, you’ve got the drink.  He is as usual too ungracious to mutter a simple Thank You.  I later send a “Good Night” text.  He does not respond.  Seriously!  Are you kidding me!  No one is that obtuse.

Who cannot say Good Night“? What a complete and utter idiot, I think to myself.  I can no longer ignore his lack of simple, common social graces.  Please, Thank You and Good Night are just that —  common social graces.  Suddenly, it hits me, it’s as if someone hits me over the head with a full bottle of my Bailey’s — this man is more than a narcissist, he’s a cad, a Neanderthal.  I found it odd that he had difficulties with Please and Thank You.  But, it just never really hit me like it did this evening.  No “Good Night” to someone who has prepared and delivered not one but two Coffee and Bailey’s to your front door. I’m stunned!

I have evolved!  I am more aware what is really going on here.  This is someone who is void of decorum and civility.  He’s not only a narcissist, he is rude and unpolished.  Now for me who believes in etiquette and protocol, this is plain ol’ nasty! YUCK!  More than any of his other egregious behaviors, this is a dealbreaker.  Okay, call me crazy but that is who I am.

I could probably work through the narcissism, the misogynist, even his womanizing. When you add a lack of common social graces, no Please, no Thank You and no Good Night, it is a no-can-do.

I get it! I know what some of you are thinking.  How can anyone stand a lying, cheating man, a womanizer.  To that I refer you to my post Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude. He was doing no more than I have always expected of men.  Okay, a lot more.  Still the overall behavior was expected.

It used to leave me feeling rejected and disheartened when he would ignore me.  It was heartbreaking that he could be so cruel, hard-hearted, petulant and mean.  The lack of good social graces, saying Please, Thank You and Good Night crosses the line!

I am slightly inebriated and in no mood for his shenanigans this evening.  I am no longer the silly woman trying to share his bed.  I do what I want to do for him as a trade-off.  I need a good conversation every now and then — nothing more, nothing less.  Tonight, I heave his behind back over my imaginary boundary so fast, he has to think someone had stolen my cellphone.

I text him and tell him about his boorish, churlish, cloddish, uncouth, classless, uncultivated, unpolished, unsophisticated, tasteless, vulgar; oafish, stupid, impolite, mannerless, rude, uncivil, ungracious behavior.  Imagine his surprise.

Of course, he ignores these texts.  The following morning tho’ he responds with a “What“.  But since I really don’t feel like communicating with him, I ignore his text.

The narcissist has totally underestimated the transformation, conversion, reconstruction, revamping, metamorphosis and renewal of my spirit.  I have had a spiritual overhaul to my heart and soul.  I have shifted gears.  I am singing a different tune. I have turned over a new leaf, turned the corner and turned the tables.  ON YOU!  Yes, narcissist I have turned the tables on you.

I will no longer accept such atrocious behavior.  I expect respect.  I am going to live this close and be happy and at peace.  I expect civility.  And, if my demands means that he will not talk to me for a few days, do I really give a flying pig!  Aaaaah Nope!  I know his secret, his weakness  — he does not want to be feuding neighbors either.

He’s a narcissist, that is a given.  The respect of our neighbors is important to him.  And while the neighbors are aware of his shenanigans — they do not know about me.  Nor does he want them to know!  The neighbors adore me. They would be disappointed that I went that way, but would be repulsed with him and his behaviors having me so close. Make no mistake about it, he does not want the neighbors looking at him sideways.

Is he even aware of his lack of class and sophistication?  Does he even realize that being the smartest, best looking, best dressed, most accomplished person in a room does not make up for a lack of politeness, a lack of civility.  Silly boy!

Another snippet into the real story about the Mess-and-a-Half, I bent over backwards (sometimes forward).  He was an addiction, an obsession.  Now, I could care less. I am narcissist-free and feeling good about me.  Sometimes I look at him and see a Cyclop.

My sister friends who know me, know me well. They are not surprised by my behavior nowadays.  They knew when pushed too hard, I make a complete about-face.  Something I had forgotten about myself.  It was the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who said know thyself.  Even when I did not know where I was headed, what I should be, what I should be doing, I knew I had limited tolerance for a lack of sophistication, decorum, etiquette and social graces.

And, as the sister friends would say, I can be as fickle as the days are long.  I am madly in love one minute and completely turned off the next. Mission accomplished. Narcissist, you have turned me completely off.  I must admit you had me going for a minute (317 days). That part of me that was attracted to someone of your ilk is gone. The thief stole that too!

As I look back over my life, I realize that I have had a pattern of allowing disrespectful, demanding, fault-finding, heedless, ingrate, self-centered, selfish, thankless, and unappreciative behaviors.

In fact, the narcissist was only allowed to set up shop in my world because of my lack of establishing healthy boundaries.  For the men and the sister friends who have often left me thinking “Unh?” what just happened, I give a strong warning I am not the person I used to be.  I have boundaries now.  Hip Hip Hooray.

Respect my boundaries.  And, if you ask me to prepare Lamb Chops for you, remember to say Please.  When I serve them, do not forget to say Thank You and if I say Good Night, I suggest you respond in kind.

And now I go“no contact” without even trying!

Please tell your friends about my blog.  Thank you for reading my blog.  And Good Night everyone!

Treat yourselves wonderfully.  And, demand that others do, as well!

I write …

liebster4

When I am feeling good, I write!  I write when I need inspiration.  And, I write to remind myself who I am and what I want in my life.    Thank you Tela (@ sociopathlife.com) for recommending me for the Liebster Award.  I am both thrilled and honored.  While my blog was born out of my mess-and-a-half, it has propelled me to love myself first and foremost.  It also keeps the Negative Committee exiled!

When I write, I am reminded that I have a tremendous capacity for love and am loved by many.  I love my blog.  I love my writing.  I look forward to expressing myself.  I often think about my blog throughout the day.  By the end of the week, I am ready and able to post no less than two of my thoughts. Why?  Because my thoughts and feelings are right upfront in my heart and mind.

I write, I heal.  My healing began with everyone else’s blogs and continues with my own.  My confession:  Still, if something about the mess-and-a-half attempts to disrupt my peacefulness, my positivity , I write.  I immediately convene a meeting of the Positive Committee.  I grab my coffee and my wonderful Bailey’s, a seat in my favorite chair with my laptop in my lap and I write.

When I am satisfied with what I have written, I feel peaceful, tranquil, calm, still, relaxed, soothed, undisturbed, untroubled, serene, composed, at ease, untroubled, content, rejuvenated, reinvigorated, re-energized, regenerated, revived, resuscitated, refreshed and stimulated.  Then, I have a reality check — the mess-and-a-half is still a mess-and-a-half. 

I am happy.  I am happy in love with me.  I have renewed love and peace for myself and those that I love.  I now even joke about the mess-and-a-half.  Every so often I may feel a little pang or two of pity for those who seemingly don’t know who or what they have allowed into their life, who’s bed they’re sharing.  Me, I know.  I have always known.  And, that allows me to be in my better place with my coffee and Bailey’s.  Life just keeps getting better.  Lord knows, I miss my Gummi Bears!  When is this Lent thing going to be over!

I nominate the following bloggers for the Liebster Award.  They were and continue to be my inspiration.  This award gives me the one opportunity to pay it forward to those bloggers who helped me so much and let them know how much I appreciate what their blogs have done for me, for my healing.

Disentangling, extricating myself from a relationship with a narcissist was difficult, but I did it!  I found my way out with determination, will, strength, wonderful bloggers and the Saving Grace of my Awesome God!

http://www.thetruthyoualwaysknew.com

http://breemikael.wordpress.com

http://flowersfromapsycho.wordpress.com

http://plambert001.wordpress.com

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog

wendyjpowell.wordpress.com

http://silverboundary.wordpress.com

 http://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com

Random facts about me:

  • I love animals (except hyenas)
  • I love my job … my bosses
  • I LOVE summer.  I don’t care if it is 100+ degrees I LOVE it.
  • I don’t like winter at all, not one bit!  Ok, I confess, I HATE IT!
  • A couple years ago, I bought an Android phone and sent it back the following day — answering a phone should not be mind boggling
  • I type over 100 wpm
  • I wrote my first novella If it looks like … a pig about my experience (without a clue I was describing a relationship with a narcissist)
  • I have always wanted to know what it was like to live somewhere other than where I had been all of my life.  So, I lived in another state for several years on my own
  • I absolve everyone of my mess-and-a-half, especially myself!
  • I not only love Gummi Bears – but worms and frogs too!
  • I never misspell a word … If it is misspelled it is a typo! 😉
  1. What is the best thing about you?  My determination, will, perseverance and a sense of humor to die for!  (I’m a bit smarter than even I know.)
  2. What time of day do you blog? I blog primarily on the weekends throughout the day. 
  3. How many revisions does it take before you finally publish? (love this one)  A hundred!  Seriously tho’, I am constantly editing/saving.  I counted 25+ on several of my posts.  I’m editing/revising even after I’ve published. 
  4. Who is/was the most influential person in your life?  I have so many to name but I have two friends who I will see on the other side that made a tremendous difference in my life. One imparted work wisdoms, the other life and love.  I miss them terribly but they truly made the difference in my life.  And, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout-out to the mess-and-a-half! Without whom, I would still be muddling along.
  5. In one word describe yourself?  Funny
  6. Where do you see yourself one year from now?  A well-known blogger/author.
  7. What is your favorite social media?  Facebook
  8. What type of blogs do you follow?  Currently anything having to do with self-esteem, narcissism, healing and loving one’s self.
  9. What is the motivating factor for you to blog?  Feelings
  10. How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it?  Informative, inspirational.  Sociopathlife tells it like it is, no holds barred.  When I started reading it, I gained a better sense of what was happening in my life.  It was a motivating factor in my healing.
  11. What have you learned about yourself from blogging?  That I love it. That it is healing. That I was born to write.  And, the perils of dealing with a narcissist!

Find your peace, and then…

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully.

I chose to be happy in love …

with ME!  Yes, me!  I reached inside myself and extracted every bit of will, strength, determination and whatever else was hidden inside me to feel better. I began a real love affair.  This time with someone who I knew had learned her lesson and would treat me well. Treat me wonderfully.  That person would be me.

I have chosen to be happy in love with me, taking a long, hard look at myself.  I now believe that I am attractive and smart too.  I am a bona fide, genuine, veritable, honest-to-goodness, sho’ nuff Winner (with a capital “W”).

I am letting go all those negative thoughts about myself and replacing them with new and improved loving thoughts of me!  I had dinner with a friend last week. We were talking about my blog and she remarked that it all seemed to focus around the mess-and-a-half.  I told her how coincidental that she mentioned that as I had decided to turn it around and change the focus.  Now, it is about me.  All about me.

I chose to be happy in love with my world that is now a work-in-progress.  I chose to renew my love and commitment to my children. I chose to love them for the people they are, for the people I raised them to be and for the love they each have given me.  I chose to be happy in love with the children who are the Greatest Loves of my life!

I chose to be happy in love with the sister (and brother) friends who have supported me emotionally through the years.  The friends who believed in me when I was struggling with who I am and what should I be doing with myself, my life.  I chose to be happy in love with the friends who continued to believe in me when I was Chair of the Negative Committee.  That committee tried to set up headquarters in my head, inside my heart. I shut it down!

I chose to be happy in love with my baby sister. The relationship has had its ups-and-downs but one thing I have discovered is — it too is an unconditional, unshakeable love.  Why question the authenticity of that love?  When someone expresses their love for you in a public forum, you can only receive it and say yep, she loves me.  All is forgiven.  We forge ahead.

I chose to be happy in love with my home, tending to it, repairing and making it a beautiful home. Of course, I chose to continue to be happy and in love with my pet companions — that’s a given.  I chose to take care of myself and provide for my wants and needs, including my Bailey’s and Gummi Bears before I even think of everyone else’s! I come first!

I saw, I conquered and I persevered through some of life’s greatest challenges.  I choose to be happy in love with my mistakes and all the parts of me that comprise the quintessential me — a wonderfully, bright, smart and attractive woman who can take on the toughest obstacle and emerge from it like the mythological phoenix standing erect with her head held high.  I have chosen to be happy in love with my best friend in my great and wonderful world — ME!

I choose to be happy in love with me inspite of and despite my shortcomings, longcomings, idiosyncrasies or whatever.  Everybody has some.

Thank you esteemology.com for my 2014 Affirmation:  I am unapologetically, fiercely, authentically ME. This is all I have to be. It is all I will ever need to be. I was born good enough. It is my birthright. This is the next step in my global, spiritual awakening. I have embraced my uniqueness and am being happy and joyful, living an authentic life.  I chose to be happy in love with me!

I chose to be happy in love with me, living a life that is better and more fulfilling, satisfying — a life I deserve.  I choose to have only peace and love in my life.  I choose to remove those friendships that are toxic, unhealthy, and which fail to add value to my world.  I choose to be more discerning in my relationships.

I chose to be happy in love with my God and his Saving Grace that has allowed me the strength to persevere, to forge ahead.  My God is an awesome God!

I chose to be happy in love by setting 2014 goals for myself — attainable goals.

I chose to be happy in love with me, treating myself not just well but wonderfully!

You should do the same!

Fool me once…

Shame on you and you alone.  I think I may just rewrite the old adage Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  I’m thinking I will change it to Fool me once, the shame is all your’s.  There will not be a second fooling.  Why should I be so benevolent as to give anyone a second opportunity.  When you have fooled me once, you’ve already shamed us both.  Should there even be a second fooling?  Mmmm Nope!  Not anymore!

I have tried my entire life not to be judgmental.  I always accepted everyone on their terms. If I liked you, I looked past your faults, your idiosyncrasies, your peculiarities.  I knew very little about treacherous and menacing personality disorders and that I should steer clear of them.  I now understand that I can be discerning without being judgmental.  People who are vexations to the spirit, whose moral compass is off should not have admittance into anyone’s life, not mine for sure.

I always thought I was being a good person.  A genuine, loving person who accepted everyone as they were.  Hence, a root cause of my mess-and-a-half! As I look forward (not backwards), I now realize there are even sister friends who I should have revoked their friendship pass long ago.

I had a sister friend who I now believe may possess some type of sociopathic personality disorder.  We were sister friends well over 20 years.  Great friends, close friends.  I loved this girl as though she was a family member. My favorite thing about her — she could make me laugh, a lot, heartily. Over the years, however, I began to notice things but dismissed them.

You’ve probably figured out by now I have a penchant for laughter and fun.  I want to laugh all day, everyday. I have no problem being a laughing fool.  When I am laughing, I feel … better than good.  I feel wonderful, alive, happy.  Those who know me well, know they have to proceed with caution when making me laugh. I become hysterical easily. You want the key to my kingdom, make me laugh!

Several years ago, I had stepped outside my comfort zone and went on my greatest adventure moving to another state.  I lived without the family and friends I loved so much.  To say that I was lonely is an understatement.  My ex-sister friend and I talked by phone daily.  During one of those chat sessions, I remarked on how wonderful were her accomplishments.  Her resume is awesome!  Her accomplishments are off-the-charts.

She is extremely smart and works hard in the community, at school and at work.  Her response to my compliment made me take one-half step backwards.  The only woman badder than me was herself, she remarked.  I thought it was odd to say such to a friend, a close friend.  It sounded kind of competitive but perhaps I am reading too much into it.  (Why would I compete with my friend or she with me!)

I realize now this was Fool me once!  Shame on her!

My ex-sister friend knows me, she knows me very well.  I have shared some of my most intimate secrets with her.  She knows I am not a woman who asks men for money.  Nor do I expect it. Never have, never will.  My finances are my personal business, and I do not discuss them openly.  The topic of my finances is sacred.

Why in a conversation would she dare degrade me and say something so appalling as to suggest I should ask any man for money.  And, the delivery, the words were so outrageous I cannot even bring myself to repeat them here.  At that moment I decided it was best I not talk to her for a minute, give the relationship a rest.  I did just that.

I could not understand or appreciate the suggestion.  I am not a lady of the evening, streetwalker, tart, moll, fille de joie, escort, courtesan, hustler, scarlet woman, cocotte, strumpet, harlot or trollop.  I do not ask men for money.  If others do, that’s fine — it is just not me.  And, there’s a very good reason I feel this way — another blog, another day!

She notices I am not returning her calls.  That I am always busy.  When she asks why, I politely remind her what had been said and how degrading, disgraceful and scandalous, it was.  She has clearly crossed a line even for me who failed to understand the importance of boundaries.

Fool me twice, shame on me!

I missed her tho’.  I missed her making me laugh.  I missed our most intimate conversations.  After several months, I call her.  I had something to tell her and knew it would leave us both in stitches.  We chatted and our daily chat sessions resumed.

I return home from my time away.  You just know when it’s time.  I missed my children; my other sister friends, two of whom I’ll see on the other side and one who was gravely ill.  I need to go home! I was leaving a great job with a great income.  Nevertheless, I still needed to return home (another blog for another day).

I am home, no job but that’s okay. I am highly marketable.  My children are in desperate need of mothering, nurturing and guidance.  I am needed at home!  I soon find a low-paying position.  It’ll do for now but I know that I cannot do this long, and not just because of the money.  This work I can do with one hand tied behind my back, standing on one leg (and possibly blindfolded)!  This girl needs a challenge at work.

While away, I am discovering I can do anything I set my mind to.  I am getting a better sense of who should and should not be a part of my life.  A better sense of me!  Definitely, getting there!

Purely by happenstance, I learn of a challenging, good-paying position in my field but it is the last day for resumes to be received.  My ex-sister friend had to have known about this position given her community involvement.  Mmmmm wonder why she failed to mention it.  How odd.  Even more odd was her response when I asks her about the position.  Her response was a clear indication of her feelings towards me — you will not have a better life than me.  Tho’ these are not her actual words, the message she was conveying was clearly embedded in her response!

This shocking response set off the alarms in my head.  The sirens are blaring, the lights are flashing.  OMG, my friend does not even want me to have decent employment.

Now understand — this was not a position where I would compete with her on any level.  We are in two total different spheres in the world of employment.

You guessed it, I am fooled a third time.  This would be shame on me twice!  

I continue to chat with her — but not so regularly.

I had dismissed a lot over the 20 year friendship.  Who am I to judge.  I dismissed her interest in men who were interested in me.  I wasn’t interested anyway so it did not matter if she went in hot pursuit.  I definitely missed her even considering a relationship with a man she knew was and had been involved with a mutual friend for years.

I dismissed how she oftentimes conveniently navigated the truth.  I even dismissed it when she remarked to me once — there is no absolute right and wrong. It is all subjective! Unh???  But I did not miss it when she did something totally unscrupulous with someone else’s money she had been charged with safekeeping!

It is time to dissolve this friendship. Time to let it go. And, let it go is what I did. It would not be until my recent mess-and-a-half that I realize it was the right thing to do. That blasted self-doubt.

Whatever the relationship — man, woman, child or even animal. If it does not bring you cheer and goodwill, you must let it go.  Without my mess-and-a-half, I would have continued in harmful, malignant relationships with men and so-called sister friends.

Today, I set my clocks forward.  I also set my heart, mind and soul forward.  I will not judge but I will be more discerning with who shares my world.

If you fool me once, the shame is all on you!  We’re done and you are FIRED!

Treat yourselves well, treat yourselves wonderfully. I am!