I simply forgot …

who I really am. During my 2+ years of despair, I forgot I had strengths. I forgot to love myself.  So today, while walking my sweet pooch, I thought about those drafts of posts I had started but never finished. They are indicative of my state of mind over the last 2+ years. As I began to trash them, I could not help but think about how I felt when I started each draft.

Sometime I ago, I began to write, I have fallen madly, hopelessly in love … with myself. This was my affirmation when I awoke one morning. Although I told myself this, I did not actually believe it. I was still in anguish, still believing I had committed some major faux pas that ended the fun I was having. I wanted to believe I loved myself enough to end my emotional turmoil. Somehow just saying it made me think I was actually loving myself and this would eliminate my pain. I soon discovered I was still in pain … and it was because I was still not loving myself!

I get it!!!! One of my very close friends was experiencing a life-changing event. She forced herself to say only positive things about herself. She would not allow herself to say one negative word about herself. Not even in the slightest.  For her it became all about the positives… (another trashed draft). She helped me to understand that beating, denigrating and being critical of myself would not help me to heal. It would only keep me in the fog that I desperately wanted to rid myself of.

Was it really Love ….Absolutely Not! Trying to determine if I had foolishly allowed myself to be in love was the impetus of this unfinished draft. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized this was not my problem. My problem was how can I treat someone so well and they treat me with so little regard, with no consideration of my feelings. No quid pro quo. You give the very best of you for companionship, for friendship.  The other person only takes. It was during this time that I began to realize my giving nature had zero business being involved with someone who only takes.

Accepting responsibility … was the most important part of my beginning to heal. Knowing what I knew about the narcissist that I allowed in my world, was my fault. I knew what this person was. I knew this person had multiple lovers. After all, he’s only a stone’s throw away from my front door.  I knew this person. I had watched this mess-and-a-half for over ten years. I knew that he was a womanizer to the nth degree. What I thought was that given our proximity, he would be considerate. He would not tell lies, that I would know were lies. What I thought was that despite his obvious sexual proclivities, he would be a human being, that he would at the very least be a decent person.

I’d rather pull weeds … than to share that bed ever again in this life or the next one, for that matter. When I was approached one morning and asked if I would come over for a little dalliance, my immediate response was I’m pulling weeds from my garden today. Kinda funny isn’t. It was a natural response. You know the kind where you didn’t even think before you spoke. It just came out. All I can say is after all of the inconsideration, the blatant disrespect, there was no way, I would share that bed with him (and the 20 others). No way. After all, I had accepted responsibility for my foolishness.

I had allowed him to fool me once, thinking he was at best a person with some regard for others.  I was clueless about narcissism. Yes, I knew he was a womanizer. But I was not looking for a committed relationship. Companionship, friendship and someone who makes you laugh were good enough for me … I thought. There would be no fooling me a second time. This mess-and-a-half is a shameless human being.  While I accept responsibility for the first fooling, I was placing blame on him as well for both. Who does that? Who goes through life hurting people, intentionally.  A person with no conscience. A narcissist. I cannot wrap my head around someone who behaves like this. I just cannot.

What “no contact” means to me… I began to seriously give some credibility to “no contact“.  After that fateful day in August 2014, I knew it was long past the time for me to let it go. I really just have to …Let it go (another blog being trashed).  I read a sermon online about leaving things that are not good for you. It resonated with me. Spiritually, I knew I was being spoken to by my God. I knew that the only way out of this fog was to let …. this … go.  Leave it! Move on! Do not look back.

He called, I did not answer. He text, I did not respond. I had hit my bottom and I could only go up from here. No Contact begins.

Six days … five partners. Early in my no contact, I noted in six days, he had five women. For some reason, I felt differently than before. This was no unusual behavior for him. What was unusual was the effect it had on me. I saw it for what it really was … repulsive. What in God’s name was I thinking back in December 2012.  I knew this was common behavior for him.  But the effect it had on me this time was what it always should have been.  Repulsion, disgust, abhorrence, repugnance, aversion, distaste. I was getting there!

The better than best feeling … was seeing what the mess-and-a-half for what he really is.  It began to free me. What a difference a year makes (another trashed blog). On January 1, 2015, I was feeling better. I noticed that I no longer cared who was visiting. Seeing him gave me no pangs.  And, for certain, I was beginning to become me again. I really was loving myself — not just telling myself uttering the words.  I realized I had erred in judgment as most humans do at some point in their lives.  What I was not going to do was beat myself up any longer. After all, as a human being he had a responsibility to be a human being, to treat people with kindness and respect. This is not my failing. It is his!  

Seafood night … after trying for a semblance of a friendship, he told me that he missed me, that he missed our seafood nights together. Why shouldn’t he? They were fun. There is nothing like good food and friendship. But wait, in a matter of days, his true colors surfaced.  I knew at that moment, I did not even want his friendship.  So, I put him in his place cursed him out, and on that day, at that very moment I was free, Free at last… Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last (another blog for the trash).

Now, I’m just concentrating on the positives, being grateful for reclaiming myself, my life, not wearing my friends’ ears out with incessant and constant chatter of the mess-and-a-half.

Here I am on this lovely fall day… doing what I love (writing) and ….

Treating myself wonderfully!

Put your trash in the garbage …

and take it to the curb. What else would you do with it. That is all that can be done with trash. Sit it at the curb, wait for the waste management company to pick it up and deliver it to the landfill.  That is where trash belongs and that is where I sent mine yesterday.  Keeping trash in your home is hazardous to your health.  It infects your home with its rancid, foul odor. It can even make you ill.  It causes pests. And, no one will want to visit a home where nasty, stinky trash is kept inside.  There is every reason to remove trash from your home regularly and no reason to keep it inside. So don’t!

Thursday morning is trash day where I live. Yesterday, I sat my trash can at the curb with its week’s worth of garbage inside.  On top of the trash can containing the garbage I had amassed over the past week, I sat the mess-and-a-half and all of his foolishness.  After nine months of full-blown No Contact and the last five months of trying to be neighborly, trying to be a friend, trying to have a semblance of what we had shared — the laughter, food, drink, I just could not do it. I did not want to do it.

The man is too flawed, too broken and is seriously 50 shades of screwed up. I decided on Thursday, October 29th, this is trash. Trash should be thrown out. At the moment I threw out my trash, I felt better than I have in over two years. I felt healed. I felt rejuvenated. And, in the words of the great James Brown, I Feel Good!

I won’t lie to myself or to you, I ended No Contact with him on my own terms hoping that at the very least a friendship would be achievable. I was no longer interested in any romantic attachment.  Just a friendship with laughter and fun. He is funny. I enjoyed feeding him.  He enjoys food.  But, this time, it was not the same.  I just wasn’t feeling it, wasn’t feeling him. I had no problem saying no most days. I only cooked IF I wanted to … not because he asked. He asked often. I had no problem not talking or texting with him for days on end. His antics no longer phased me. I was different. I felt different. I realized I was trying to like a person that is simply unlikable.

Of course, he just had to go and say something totally stupid, something ridiculous, something disrespectful.  Before No Contact, I would have let it go. i would have sulked, looked beyond his nonsense, the insanity. This time, however, before I knew it, before I could even catch myself, I gave him the tongue lashing he deserved. After my insult-laced tirade, I felt better than I had since I began this silliness with a mess-and-a-half. I called him a misogynistic, nasty, womanizing $%@#.  I called him a rotten you-know-what.  It felt good just writing it. After all why mince words. He doesn’t.

And, since what he said that sent me straight to La La Land was via text, it was only befitting that I hurl my insults using the same medium. I could not help myself. I unleashed every emotional thought I had held onto for over two years at him. Before i knew it, I was in La La Land and this time was glad to be there. I was not hurting, not bereft. I was unleashing my wrath on a pathetic narcissist who believes he has carte blanche to insult, hurt, abuse and mistreat others.

Okay friends, I’ll say it … I cursed him out! There, I said it. I cursed him out, and it felt sooooo good! I know some of you are thinking why would I bother.  To that I say why would I not bother. I did it for me! Do I care if it reverberated. Nope. I only care that I said it. I finally said it. I said what needed to be said to someone who had been mean, inconsiderate and a jerk of a human being to me since April 2013.  I no longer felt the need or even had the desire to be dutiful and respectful of someone else’s feelings who believed I deserve much less. When I cursed him out, it freed me! Yup, I’m free of the insanity that I had allowed to control my life for over two years.

When I sat my trash can at the curb yesterday morning, I sat him and his foolishness on top of that can — metaphorically, of course. It felt good. I felt really good.  Thank you God, I was back! I was done. And, this time it was for real. It was effortless. I wasn’t trying to forget about him. I FORGOT about him. I wasn’t trying to move on. I MOVED ON! It was done.

My tirade has been the greatest source of amusement I and my sister-friends have enjoyed in quite awhile.  In fact, one welcomed me back to my reality. To who I really am as an individual.  To the no-nonsense person I am that in my right mind would have never tolerated such blatant mistreatment, abuse from anyone ever. I have divorced husbands for less!

So to those of you who have trash in your home, throw it out. Remove it immediately.  You don’t need it. You’re not supposed to have it anyway. Now that you’ve gotten rid of that nasty, rancid, foul trash …

Be Happy! Love Yourself! It is way past the time for you to be Treating Yourself Wonderfully!

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.

Lamb Chops, Please, Thank You and Good Night…

I want you to grab a seat, your favorite beverage and sit real close.  I’m going to share a secret with you.  I could not effectively go “no contact” with the narcissist for any length of time.  It was too disquieting to my spirit.  I needed to release his hold on me my way, a way that worked for me.  And, before I am bombarded with the importance of “no contact”, I am one who subscribes to the theory that what works for some may not work for others.  “No contact” does not work for me.   The pain I experienced attempting to go “no contact” was unbearable, it was suffocating. I simply could not do it!

I could, however, do it in a manner that has worked for me in the past — Naturally.  A friend told me years ago (about a relationship) when you’re tired, you’ll be tired, no one will have to tell you you’re tired, because you’ll be tired and then and only then will you be able to move on.  You’ll move on painlessly and with little to no effort.  Trust me when I say — you, me, anybody will eventually grow tired of being treated like a doormat, the gum under the bottom of someone’s shoe! This is what first began to attack my senses!  That meanness, the total lack of gratitude I observed when someone is doing everything in their power to please an individual!

So, let me get this straight, you’re going to screw anything wearing a skirt (and I get to watch) and then treat me funky too.  Aaaah Nope. One or the other, definitely not both. That was my thinking.

Have you clued in to the little innuendos in my posts?  Did you pick up the little signs in my writings? Did you notice that I was still in contact with the narcissist?  Yes, I talk to him often.  We text.  We banter back ‘n forth about various topics.  And, you are going to love this  – I even feed him on occasion.  He loves food.  I love to feed people.  So I feed him! If I am drinking my signature Coffee and Bailey’s and he wants one — I share.  I share food and drink with him, but I will not share my heart or my special lady parts ever again.

Natural was the only way to go.  It would happen for me, but it had to happen in its own time — naturally.  When it began to happen naturally, I found I lost all carnal desires for him.  Just like the thief in the night who stole my fun, that same thief returned and stole any desires I had for this man.  My interests became purely neighborly, friendly with the hope that we can live in our community peacefully, harmoniously.  That is, if it can be managed. I won’t , however, tolerate any longer his lack of basic huMAN social graces or simple kindness which begin with Please, Thank You and Good Night.

Several times in the last several weeks, he’s tried to lure me with his charm.  He’s even talked that aggressive, sexy talk he knows I like.  It just doesn’t work on me anymore.  It doesn’t even sound sexy.  Those naked pictures that were once sexy, I now view as goofy (and told him so).  All he can give me, and all I want from him, is conversation on my terms!  He is a sometime cure for my boredom. not a cure for the absence of intimacy in my bedroom.

I can no longer share a bed with this man — definitely not his or mine.  There are just too many folks sharing his bed for my tastes.  Jesus H. Christ!  What was I thinking?  When I determine what was going through my head on January 3, 2013 to begin that Mess-and-a-Half with a Mess-and-a-Half, I’ll write about it (another day/another blog).

Recently, he asked me to prepare his dinner (nil Please). I am also hungry.  I feel like cooking.  I feel like mmmm Lamb Chops.  He’s in luck!  I prepare a great meal of Lamb Chops, mashed potatoes and green beans.  And, what’s a meal without Coffee and Bailey’s.  I deliver his dinner (nil Thank You).  I enjoy my own meal.

Those Lamb Chops were on-point.  They were perfectly prepared.  They were great. Several days later, I mention to him (since he had neglected to do so on his own) how well the Lamp Chops turned out.  He agreed.  One would think that if someone prepares you a really good meal.  A meal that is hot and ready when you arrive home from a day’s work, deliver it to your front door, at the very least a Thank You should be forthcoming.  Perhaps, even tell them how much you enjoyed the meal.  Not this individual.  Only on rare occasions has he ever mentioned how well he has enjoyed a meal I lovingly prepared for him.

A couple of days later, I am celebrating a holiday all by my little ol’ self.  He wants Coffee and Bailey’s.  I share! I saw him earlier, and noticed that he went out of his way to greet me. Never mind the previous day he ignored my texts.  I knew why he was so affable.  I knew what he wanted — Food/Drink.  He is welcome to my special Coffee and Bailey’s!  Before my transformation, I would have ran inside and conjured him up a meal despite the fact that I did not feel like cooking nor was I hungry.  I’m a new, improved me. He will have to initiate a Plan B for dinner cause this girl ain’t cooking!

He sends me those goofy naked pictures.  I play along.  We text until I realize I am a little inebriated.  I take him a second Coffee and Bailey’s before I lay me down to sleep.  I sit it on his porch.  When I ask him if he’s retrieved the drink from his porch?  His response is “yep“!  Okay, you’ve got the drink.  He is as usual too ungracious to mutter a simple Thank You.  I later send a “Good Night” text.  He does not respond.  Seriously!  Are you kidding me!  No one is that obtuse.

Who cannot say “Good Night“? What a complete and utter idiot, I think to myself.  I can no longer ignore his lack of simple, common social graces.  Please, Thank You and Good Night are just that —  common social graces.  Suddenly, it hits me, it’s as if someone hits me over the head with a full bottle of my Bailey’s — this man is more than a narcissist, he’s a cad, a Neanderthal.  I found it odd that he had difficulties with Please and Thank You.  But, it just never really hit me like it did this evening.  No “Good Night” to someone who has prepared and delivered not one but two Coffee and Bailey’s to your front door. I’m stunned!

I have evolved!  I am more aware what is really going on here.  This is someone who is void of decorum and civility.  He’s not only a narcissist, he is rude and unpolished.  Now for me who believes in etiquette and protocol, this is plain ol’ nasty! YUCK!  More than any of his other egregious behaviors, this is a dealbreaker.  Okay, call me crazy but that is who I am.

I could probably work through the narcissism, the misogynist, even his womanizing. When you add a lack of common social graces, no Please, no Thank You and no Good Night, it is a no-can-do.

I get it! I know what some of you are thinking.  How can anyone stand a lying, cheating man, a womanizer.  To that I refer you to my post Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude. He was doing no more than I have always expected of men.  Okay, a lot more.  Still the overall behavior was expected.

It used to leave me feeling rejected and disheartened when he would ignore me.  It was heartbreaking that he could be so cruel, hard-hearted, petulant and mean.  The lack of good social graces, saying Please, Thank You and Good Night crosses the line!

I am slightly inebriated and in no mood for his shenanigans this evening.  I am no longer the silly woman trying to share his bed.  I do what I want to do for him as a trade-off.  I need a good conversation every now and then — nothing more, nothing less.  Tonight, I heave his behind back over my imaginary boundary so fast, he has to think someone had stolen my cellphone.

I text him and tell him about his boorish, churlish, cloddish, uncouth, classless, uncultivated, unpolished, unsophisticated, tasteless, vulgar; oafish, stupid, impolite, mannerless, rude, uncivil, ungracious behavior.  Imagine his surprise.

Of course, he ignores these texts.  The following morning tho’ he responds with a “What“.  But since I really don’t feel like communicating with him, I ignore his text.

The narcissist has totally underestimated the transformation, conversion, reconstruction, revamping, metamorphosis and renewal of my spirit.  I have had a spiritual overhaul to my heart and soul.  I have shifted gears.  I am singing a different tune. I have turned over a new leaf, turned the corner and turned the tables.  ON YOU!  Yes, narcissist I have turned the tables on you.

I will no longer accept such atrocious behavior.  I expect respect.  I am going to live this close and be happy and at peace.  I expect civility.  And, if my demands means that he will not talk to me for a few days, do I really give a flying pig!  Aaaaah Nope!  I know his secret, his weakness  — he does not want to be feuding neighbors either.

He’s a narcissist, that is a given.  The respect of our neighbors is important to him.  And while the neighbors are aware of his shenanigans — they do not know about me.  Nor does he want them to know!  The neighbors adore me. They would be disappointed that I went that way, but would be repulsed with him and his behaviors having me so close. Make no mistake about it, he does not want the neighbors looking at him sideways.

Is he even aware of his lack of class and sophistication?  Does he even realize that being the smartest, best looking, best dressed, most accomplished person in a room does not make up for a lack of politeness, a lack of civility.  Silly boy!

Another snippet into the real story about the Mess-and-a-Half, I bent over backwards (sometimes forward).  He was an addiction, an obsession.  Now, I could care less. I am narcissist-free and feeling good about me.  Sometimes I look at him and see a Cyclop.

My sister friends who know me, know me well. They are not surprised by my behavior nowadays.  They knew when pushed too hard, I make a complete about-face.  Something I had forgotten about myself.  It was the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who said know thyself.  Even when I did not know where I was headed, what I should be, what I should be doing, I knew I had limited tolerance for a lack of sophistication, decorum, etiquette and social graces.

And, as the sister friends would say, I can be as fickle as the days are long.  I am madly in love one minute and completely turned off the next. Mission accomplished. Narcissist, you have turned me completely off.  I must admit you had me going for a minute (317 days). That part of me that was attracted to someone of your ilk is gone. The thief stole that too!

As I look back over my life, I realize that I have had a pattern of allowing disrespectful, demanding, fault-finding, heedless, ingrate, self-centered, selfish, thankless, and unappreciative behaviors.

In fact, the narcissist was only allowed to set up shop in my world because of my lack of establishing healthy boundaries.  For the men and the sister friends who have often left me thinking “Unh?” what just happened, I give a strong warning I am not the person I used to be.  I have boundaries now.  Hip Hip Hooray.

Respect my boundaries.  And, if you ask me to prepare Lamb Chops for you, remember to say Please.  When I serve them, do not forget to say Thank You and if I say Good Night, I suggest you respond in kind.

And now I go“no contact” without even trying!

Please tell your friends about my blog.  Thank you for reading my blog.  And Good Night everyone!

Treat yourselves wonderfully.  And, demand that others do, as well!

Those days …

when the Negative Committee is trying to reconvene inside my head, it can be daunting.  I have devoted a tremendous amount of time this weekend to keeping the Negative Committee at bay, working diligently to ensure they do not disrupt the Positive Committee’s meeting.  It has not been easy for the Negative Committee is a formidable opponent of mine.  Those days this weekend have been challenging.

I had a disagreement with one of the Greatest Loves of My Life Friday evening.  It saddened me.  It was hurtful and now we are not talking.  Ok, that’s happened before. It’ll work itself out.  But … instead I began to focus on the Mess-and-a-Half the entire weekend.  Hence, last night’s post La La Land. Old thoughts are trying to re-emerge — that damn Negative Committee.  Who’s he with?  Why does he seem to like everyone else and not me? He must really like her.  Worrying about who’s there and who’s not.  Why did I allow myself to engage in his shenanigans?  I’m at it again.

The simple answer is I do not care one minutia.  His comings and goings and visitors are trivial in my world.  I remind myself of this those days when he and his shenanigans are creeping into my thoughts.  Those days when I am experiencing my own spin-mode, I admonish myself and remember he is a narcissist and a misogynist, a womanizer.  Plain and Simple.   I then grab ahold of my feelings, my emotions, successfully fending off the Negative Committee’s antics.  I recognize this descent, this attempt to travel to La La Land.  It  is not about him at all.  It is one of the Greatest Loves of My Life that has my spirits disquieted.  

I have spent the entire weekend in much of a tizzy.  I said it last night and I’ll say it again, he only becomes a focal point when something else in my life is amiss.  He is a symptom!

A great blogger friend and sister in the struggle wrote on one of my posts “… those days when I felt myself slipping back into spin-mode.”  I get it!  I really get it!  While many of us have emerged whole and even better, that does not mean that we are not without scars from our experience.  Although some of our scars may be small, it is a scar nevertheless.  We are entitled to have those days where we feel we’re in spin-mode.

Those days, are the ones I convene a meeting of the Positive Committee and throw the Negative Committee and all of its members out the window! Goodbye! Get out!  Leave!  And, please do not return!  There is no space for you, Negative Committee!

There is a reason for those days in spin-mode — we trusted, we cared and were  not treated well.  And, what’s even worse (at least for me), we allowed it.  Those days, we look back and remember the hurt, the pain, and in my case, the inability to breathe.   Those days when we are slipping into spin-mode are the remnants of the experience that is now behind us.  We were looking for our Happy Ever After and found Hell on Earth.  We deserve our own Happy Ever After.

It is not unreasonable to want to share our lives with someone who will treat us like the fantastic women we are.  We want someone to love us unconditionally.  I love the one scene in Sex in the City where Carrie tells The Russian “…I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”  She pretty much summed it up for me in that one little blurb.  It is exactly what I want.  And, until I find that kind of ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-life-without-each-other love, I plan not to waste any more of the years I have left on God’s earth with anything less.

Without that ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming … love, there will be no casual sex.  I have no interest in long-term dating with no commitment of at least monogamy. My heart and my lady parts will not be shared with the narcissist, misogynist, sex addict, emotionally unavailable, broken down, down-on-his-luck, commitment-phobic, megalomaniac, sociopath, psychopath or those who are otherwise 50 Shades of screwed up.  I am not interested in raising anyone’s son!

This is where I am and plan to remain.  Despite those days this weekend, when I am feeling somewhat dispirited, downcast, melancholy, dismal, downhearted and gloomy, the good news is I am still happy in love with myself.  For I have weathered yet another storm, remembering what is important, reminding myself every day, throughout the day, that I am an attractive, smart and a terrific human being.

So, as I move forward and work diligently to stave off those days where I am in spin-mode, I thought of another favorite Carrie Bradshaw quote “… the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

Treat yourselves better than well, treat yourselves wonderfully!

I don’t need sex…

Of course, I enjoy good sex as much as the next girl.  But I don’t need it.  I am happy when I have it.  But I am not unhappy because I don’t!  Physical love does not validate me.  It obviously seems to validate my narcissist.

Recently we were engaging in one of our bantering discussions when he remarked that I was in love with the sex.  I kinda went ballistic.  Ok, I did go ballistic.  I responded “I do not and have NEVER fallen in love with a man because of sex… A brain YES! Sex, absolutely not.”  Is he serious.  I am becoming increasingly more insolent. I love a man’s brain! Now that is what turns me on!

Understand this, when I was out-of-my-mind over him, he could have said the same thing and though it was not true not even then, I would not have disputed this untruth.  See, what he never knew about me — largely because he is so into himself — I have never been all that sexual. Silly narcissist!

A narcissist will never know you.  They will never get to know your likes or dislikes. They will not take notice to what turns you on or turns you off.  They are only concerned about themselves.  Had he paid the slightest attention, he would have noticed how much I enjoyed the bantering, the laughing and the fun we were having. He would have also noticed, it was not the sex that I enjoyed nearly as much as the companionship he provided.  The sex, for me, was the cherry on the sundae — not the freaking sundae, moron.  I don’t need sex. Never have. I enjoy it when it is available but don’t yearn for it when it’s not.

Does he really think so little of all women that every woman only wants a man for sex?  Of course he does.  He has women traipsing in and out of his house every day.  This evening, I got the biggest giggle — one who had spent last night left and another arrived five hours later.  Wow!  Seriously!  I would bet a paycheck a good number of them are in it for the sex! And, as long as that many are in it for the sex, why wouldn’t he believe WE all are.

For a couple of days now, I have pondered this discussion.  I understand now that he uses physical love to validate, to control.  He actually thought he was punishing me taking away the sex.  No, you idiot, it was the companionship that you took from me that hurt so deeply. Now that was my punishment!

My weakness has always been smart men with loads of brain power.  And, to my failing, a good-looking one! So I thought I had hit pay dirt when I seemingly had found both in one man given the demographics (7 to 1).  An intelligent man who can hold a conversation about nearly anything. Hallelujah! And you wonder why the other women did not affect me so much! I was in heaven! Then came hell!

We would talk for hours about politics and the state of the world. We would talk about food, animals, the neighbors, love and life.  Why would he be so foolish as to believe it was the sex?  With his plethora of women, he has come to believe that is what everyone wants from him.  He never realized for one moment that possibly that may not have been me, as well.

What I loved and enjoyed immensely were the text messages throughout the day, all day everyday. I loved the “good mornings honey, baby sweetie” every morning before 6:30 am.  I loved the way he made me laugh.  He was silly!  Once he made me laugh so hard, he had to catch me from falling out of his bed. So, dear narcissist don’t fool yourself — it may have been physical for you but it was not for me.

I even told him at one point, he was just not doing it for me.  I was not enjoying it.  On one occasion I said “I need a cup or two of passion with my sex.  No kissing, no foreplay — that does not work with me.”  As you can see, I was emerging from my fog. I am telling him what I think — not what he wants to hear. Of course, I am partly to blame for his outrageous thinking as I made all the funny noises and left him thinking he had rocked my world. But isn’t this just something some of us girls do from time to time. I know I do!

I am emerging from my fog.  I am finding my voice and reclaiming my power.  My narcissist, “the sex was robotic.  And, it didn’t seem like you were enjoying it all that much either.”  It was manual, manufactured robotic sex.  I could almost tell what move he would make and when.  It was always the same in the same place.  It was routine! And he thinks I am some sex-crazed woman. Seriously, my narcissist think! If you only knew that if that was all you had to offer me, I would not have been in this mess!

I get it now! According to Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisted, “[n]arcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.”  Bingo! I was right, he was not enjoying it. He was working!

On a couple of occasions, I ask to cuddle.  His response was hilarious. Yes, I laughed because it was funny. He behaved like Al Bundy.  You would have thought I asked for his worldly possessions. He whined. He actually whined! I could not help but laugh.

As I continue on my path to living a full and wonderful life, I realize his life will remain empty and void of true happiness and unconditional love.  I will achieve real happiness, the kind of happiness derived from loving one’s self, living a satisfying and fulfilling life, surrounded and loved by people who have depth and substance.  I will be spiritually sound and validated through these things — not by empty and robotic sex.

I don’t need sex!  I need emotional and spiritual love for my hot fudge sundae with or without the cherry on top.

Treat yourselves wonderfully!

I was not going to hurt…

I loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor feeling bad.  Sure we all do.  But some of us can stand it maybe a tad bit better than others.  I hate it!!!  What’s important here is not who can and who can’t as much as how much I hate it. I hate it so badly that it would become the catalyst I needed to find consolation, peace, solace, relief and happiness, someway, somehow, somewhere.  This girl was not going any further into the depths of misery than I had already gone.  Then I had allowed myself to be taken.  I was going to get out of misery. And, I was going to be better, get better and move on.

I simply … was … not … going … to … hurt another minute, hour, day or week.  So, I definitely wasn’t going to spend another year in the misery I had created for myself out of ignorance and as another blogger so aptly quoted the definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I had spent nearly all of my adult life in go-nowhere relationships with men who were either broken, wounded, emotionally unavailable and now I realize some may even have been narcissists, misogynists or even sociopaths. I made excuses, forgave not just poor behavior but bad behaviors.  I would say through all of the bad relationships, I now realize that the Saving Grace of my awesome God saved me over and over again.  Repeatedly, I was able to get out and move on with hardly any scars. I would continue to trust. I continued to believe in huMANity.  And, I continued to be in hurtful relationships!

My relationship with a narcissist has shown me how careless I had been with my heart.  I can still trust but I need to be more discerning.  I must believe what I see is what they are.  I must not make excuses for bad behavior.  If he is a lying, cheating, debaucherous, womanizing fool, I will accept that and keep on stepping. There is no other way! No excuses, no compromising. He is not the man for me. To simplify it, I don’t need him and I don’t want him.

As I sit here on another cold and blustery day — yep you guessed it with my Bailey’s and coffee — I write in my blog and read the writings of other sister friends in the struggle. And Lord knows being in a narcissistic relationship is a struggle.  It is one that will suck the life out of you.  It strikes at your very core.  It hurts you so deeply and so badly that you honestly believe the pain is physical! That was me in 2013.  That was my pain.  I was suffocating.

And then I decided I … was … not … going … to … hurt!  I … was … not … going … to … hurt another second. The pain had to go away and it had to go away right freaking now!  I set out on a mission to feel better.  I needed a plan.  First stage — counseling. I nearly ran into the counselor’s office!

At one point, I would beat myself up mercilessly for allowing such foolishness into my life. Sister friends and counselor urged me to stop blaming myself.  Little did I know then, that was yet another stage of my plan of action.  It actually helped in the healing. I needed to blame myself. Why? Because I was taking responsibility for my part in the nonsense.  I had watched this man and his shenanigan’s for ten years.  I knew better.  Good Lord what was I thinking?

I prayed and asked for guidance.  That guidance came in the form of showing me he was a narcissist.  Who knew?  Seems everyone but me.  When I realized narcissism was real, I saw him differently.  I saw him as flawed, as broken thereby a weak man.  I do not like weak men!  I no longer blamed me.  He was clinically ill.  There was nothing I had done to cause this.  I think sometimes I may have forgiven him before I forgave myself.  Forgiving myself was a bit of a challenge.  Forgiving him not so much.  He was a womanizer.  I knew that! Why? Now, that I did not know.

And then because I … was … not … going … to … hurt, I started to turn it all around to a positive. I needed this experience.  I needed something to bring me out of a fog that I was in that was only getting more and more dense. I needed a wake-up call.  The narcissist gave me just that. He made me realize that I deserve a wonderful, kind and loving man. One who does not wear a mask, one who does not lure you in and then BAM, the floor drops out from underneath you.

My relationship with this man caused me to have expectations.  It has changed me. I will never date a married man, a man who I know is in a committed relationship ever again.  I definitely will not be a part of anyone’s harem.  And, as far as the sex goes, he will have to work harder at it before I turn over my special lady parts.

I am now on the right track.  My self-esteem, my love for me improves daily.  Each and everyday I think of my wants and needs. I made a mistake.  But, I will not allow that faux pas to cause me any long-term damage.  I will move on to better and greater heights.  I will live better than I have ever thought I would or could.  And, I will spend how ever many days I need alone, absolving myself, loving myself and improving me.

No I … was … not … going … to … hurt any longer. I am going to be happy in love with me, my new best friend!

Treat yourselves better than well!  Treat yourselves WONDERFULLY!

A letter to my narcissist lover …

Dear My Narcissist Lover:

It is January 1st.  Happy New Year!

I’m lying here reflecting over the past year. I think about how this time last year, you were in hot pursuit of my affections. (I have the texts to prove it) I think about how I didn’t even know you were interested in me ‘like that’ until you made it quite clear. You know what I mean. It was fun. I loved the attention and soon got used to it. Despite my intimate knowledge of your many lovers, I figured what the hell, I can do this. As long as I knew you liked me and had a modicum of respect for my feelings, what you did with others just did not seem to matter. I jumped in with both feet with full disclosure. Do I have any regrets? Nope, not really.

Then you took the attention away. You withdrew suddenly, literally overnight. Why I will never know. It happened so abruptly. I tried for weeks to get you to talk about it but you would not. I gave up realizing you would never discuss it with me.

You were fun and engaging. You’re still fun and engaging when you want to be. When we started, you told me that we could never be mad at each other. What you meant then is I could never be mad at you! I agree. We can’t. I have never really been angry with you but I have been sometimes hurt and in wonderment at how you can do some of the things you do with me right here, literally at your door. But oh well, such is life. You have every right to live your life as you see fit, as you desire. It is your home! I get that!

I have been harassing you all day today — New Year’s Day. You’re with another of your many lovers who has spent New Year’s Eve night and is still there 6:30 this evening. Lucky girl, I guess. Parts of me feel that I am entitled to act up sometimes since you started something that you probably should not have given our proximity, and realizing that I would know when you have company.  I can even hear your voices.

Why am I writing this ‘letter’? I was just thinking how badly I felt all summer. I watched you drive off with different women, knowing that I had never been in your car and probably never will. I remember like it was yesterday the very first time I saw someone get in your car and the two of your drive off. I felt as though I had been stabbed in the chest. It nearly suffocated me. Seriously! It was heartbreaking. It was the week of your birthday. It went on all week. It would become commonplace. I watched you and the Them throughout the summer. First one, then another. 

Then there’s the Saturday afternoon, I was getting ready to walk out my front door when I saw you and your friend in another red car driving off. I ducked back inside my home. It was too late though. I had already saw more than I cared to see. Then the next Saturday, a beautiful Saturday afternoon, I watched the two of you driving off again. All the while knowing you knew and just seemed to not care.

I remember the day we made plans for dinner. I didn’t realize it was your birthday week when we made the plans. I was stunned when you canceled on me and then yet another of your lovers was over that evening. Wow! I immediately thought it was something wrong with me that you would do such a thing, in my face no less. Then you would do it again and again. I must admit every time you canceled on me and had someone else over the same evening, I became increasingly more immune to it. As I would become more immune, it appeared there was more and more to become immune to.

I see things without trying. I can see your patio from my bedroom window. At first, I did not realize it was your patio until I saw you entertaining on it. Needless to say I stopped looking out my bedroom window, at least in that direction. Imagine my reaction when I discovered it was your patio and you and the Them I was looking at. Funny thing is I enjoy looking out windows especially in the summer. I like doors open, open blinds and looking out into the world. This became so uncomfortable that I don’t open my front blinds anymore and now keep the side blinds closed. If you recall, my side blinds used to remain open all the time.

I hear things I don’t want to hear. People calling your name and knocking on all of your doors late in the evening. Someone apparently thought she was supposed to be in your bed that evening. I had to close my bedroom window which I like to keep open for fresh air.

You would avoid and ignore me most of the summer. I thought it was silly, but oh well! I, in turn, would spend a part of the summer in my house, blinds closed and not venturing out unless I absolutely had to. I avoided seeing you and the Them as much as possible. I would go out the back. I would walk in another complex. I had to avoid seeing things that I didn’t want to see. Since you were not going to take my feelings into consideration, I had to. I am an emotional being. Always have been and always will be. I like that about me for the most part. But it does have its downside — feelings.

Broken promises, canceled commitments. I wanted to do dinner. You said yes but never committed. I wanted to go to Vegas, you said yes and again would not commit to a date. I used to think it was me but I realize now it is not me at all. I love you and would do anything for you. That is a fact. You know that! But then again you have so many who would do anything for you that probably does not matter.

Making and breaking promises is unfair and hurtful. On December 12th, you promised to have dinner with me. A dinner you’ve been saying we were going to do since before Thanksgiving! Today is January 1st and the food is still in my freezer. What was so hurtful about December 12th? You sent me a text “NOT TODAY, I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT”. Yelling at me for no reason and less than 24 hours after I had done you a favor. It was humiliating. This, I did not deserve!

2014 will be different for me. I will not think it is something wrong with me, in me that provokes your behavior. I know it is not! I will not feel badly because I think you could treat me better. You know you could. I will treat me better.

You know or should have known that having a relationship under these circumstances requires communication, other than our usual banter about politics and boys and girls. When one of your lovers pulled into my parking space, you should have had the consideration to apologize, to understand why it would be so upsetting. You did not. I knew she and I were involved with the same man. How would I not know she didn’t. How would I not know it was coincidental? You and I would not speak again for two months — not until I broke the ice that had developed between us. You should have broken it. You should have wanted to clear the air if not but for we are neighbors first!

You should be comfortable to tell me anything. Anything at all. Instead you cancel on me and have someone else over with little consideration to me. You have to know I would see. You cannot feel good about making me feel bad. Can you?

I would never embarrass you or me in our community, in our homes, where we live, amongst our neighbors. Others may. I, however, would not. I take what you dish out and keep moving, hoping you’ll be better and treat me as the friend that I am, that I have been!

Sometimes you seem to avoid me as if I am always wanting to have a conversation or spend time with you. It is not like that at all. Just like you, this is my home. I like my peace and quiet too. I don’t always feel that you wanna see me and you should not feel that I always wanna converse with you or see you either. When I come home from work, I wanna unwind. go in my house, and do whatever. I am not always trying to be a part of your life, in your life or in your bed. So please stop ducking and dodging, avoiding me. It really is not necessary. I expect you to say hello when our paths cross, that’s it. That’s just the right thing to do. After all, we are neighbors.

Am I upset? Nope. Just getting some things out in the open as we enter into a New Year that we should be grateful we were allowed to see. I love New Years. It is a time to start over. A time for reflection and hope. A time to do things differently.

I love you dearly as a friend and as a lover. I would do nothing to hurt you. I would hope that going forward you give me the same consideration in return by doing what you can to soften the hurt feelings. Be considerate and conscious of our proximity. Don’t make promises that you are unwilling to keep. To put it bluntly, don’t be such a bastard to me. It is unnecessary and unwarranted. I don’t deserve it and will no longer tolerate it. It is but a small favor to ask.

Today, I am providing you with the opportunity to change the course of the relationship. I am happy being friends and neighbors. In fact, I want us to be friends. That is important to me.You will always be a cherished and dear friend of mine regardless.

Lastly, I wish you a wonderful and Happy New Year filled with the promise of love, prosperity and hope! It is a wonderful time for new beginnings and new long-lasting friendships.”

My blinds are open and I am using the front door!!

Treat yourselves well!!!

The best feeling..

The best feeling is when you have awakened from the fog.  When you realize your mistakes are just that mistakes, designed to make you better.  I now realize this is one more life lesson.  Nothing more, nothing less!  I read somewhere recently that without our mistakes, we cannot grow. I believe this to be a truth.  Certainly, in my case, this mistake has allowed me a growth opportunity that I had not dreamed of.  I have evolved.

It is the best feeling when you are no longer beating yourself up for caring about someone who is so callous and unworthy of love, especially mine!  It is the best feeling when you realize you are free.  Free of the nonsense that possessed you for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days.

You think about all the days and nights your only one thought was “What Happened”.  You begin to realize you may never have the answer to that question and then you torment yourself further trying to figure out why he won’t give you the answers you need for closure.  It was torture! This was my life for 317 days in 2013.  With each passing day of 2014, I have been feeling better.  45 days and counting!  Then on February 15th, I had the best feeling.  That was the day I knew I had survived my relationship with a narcissist.  That was the day I was me again — only this time an even better me!

Despite the intimate knowledge I had of the many women in his life, seemingly sharing his bed, I allowed him to penetrate my peaceful existence and leave me wondering “what just happened”, “what did I do wrong”. There were days when I felt I would never be at peace again.  I felt bereft and as if I had been hit by an 18-wheeler.

The irony in all of this is despite my ignorance of narcissism, I knew something was wrong. I just did not know what.  I began thinking it was something wrong with me, that I had done something unforgivable for him to change so abruptly, to shut me out with no explanation. My self-esteem took a major hit.  Although I was watching the women come and go on a daily basis, I still wanted him. Or did I?  At some point, I knew I did not want him but just could not let him go. If he called I went despite the change in my feelings.

I was so happy for three months.  I loved the playfulness, the joking, the attention he paid.  So, when it came to a screeching halt with no warning, why would I not be devastated.  Why would I not grieve? And, did I grieve. I missed him every single day!

That was yesterday.  These are new days for me.  They are days when I continue to have the best feeling about me, who I am, what I want and what I want to be.  I have ended “no contact”, but I am in no danger of surrendering to his charms.  And, he is one charming man, good looking to boot!  I ended “No contact” simply because we can never be enemies for an obvious reason.  We live too close!  I need to be able to come home without a knot in my stomach, without avoiding him or worrying who’s he with today! It is important that we forge a “friendship”. While it may be difficult to do so with someone of his ilk, I believe it can be done.

I no longer miss the times we had together.  I definitely do not miss the feelings of dread knowing someone is sharing his bed. In fact, now I care less.  And, that is the best feeling.  I am even able to tell him ‘no’.  Now that really is the best feeling.  Saying ‘no’ to someone who is only accustomed to your catering to their wants and needs on demand is the best indication you are no longer a member of his club, his rotating harem! I have extracated myself from the shenanigan’s.  I have grown! Do I care if if there is or will be a punishment for my outright insolence.  Mmmmm, nope!  As a close friend says often “he is not the boss of me”.

It is the best feeling … when you can thank your narcissist for bringing out the best in you, allowing you to see who you really are, who you were really meant to be! I realize now who I am and what I enjoy.  That is my writing.  The affair with a narcissist inspired me to write.  It, at first, eased the pain.  It was therapeutic and detoxing.  Now it is just pure and simple enjoyment.  I am in love with my writing!  I love my blog! I have found my passion.  I write when I am sad. I write when I am feeling good.  I am writing now because I have the best feeling and want to share.  I want to write love letters. I want to write letters to my friends.  My first novella even emerged from the ashes of this affair.

I was talking to a co-worker just today.  She sews and she iterated with so much love her passion for sewing.  I get it.  I realized at that very moment during that conversation, I have that same passion only it is to write.  Can I ever thank him enough for awakening that passion?  Absolutely not.

It is the best feeling … when you not only feel better but good; when you are, in fact, happy with your life!  I have a renewed sense of self-esteem, something that has eluded me most of my life.  I feel good about me. I awaken everyday, looking at myself and realizing what an attractive, smart and loving individual I am. This is the best feeling — to feel better, to feel good. I have lost the emotions that oftentimes were consuming me, that were suffocating me.  I remember with a sting in my heart those days when I thought I could not breathe because of his shenanigan’s!

I told him yesterday — him, me and that thing we used to do — we will not do that anymore.  I don’t even want to do that with him again. I see him now for the narcissist he his and while I will always love him as a friend, I will never allow myself again to be a part of his rotating harem.

So I write this to say thank you to my narcissist for making me better, my life better, for discovering what really turns me on!  And, it is not him!  It is a love that will not betray, a passion that will be there as long as I want — it is to write!

Remember this — Surviving a relationship with a narcissist is difficult but it is doable.  You only need to reach down into the depths of your soul and retrieve that part of you that was lost when you embarked on the insanity.  It is the part of you that makes you breath every single day.  It is your survivor instincts.  You have them.  Now use them!  Then and only then, will you experience the best feeling!

One thing I always knew I WANTED was to feel good.  I did not want to be in a fog. I did not want to suffer from an immense heartache.  I wanted to breathe deeply.  He simply could not have my very essence.  I could not allow my very spirit to be tampered with by someone who is possibly without a soul.

I, however, have a soul. And, a great big ol’ loving heart!

Treat yourselves well.

Saving Grace…

I woke up on Valentine’s Day with somewhat of a heavy heart.  So I wrote.  I concerned myself with whether the narcissist that was in my life would be spending the day with a particular one of the many, many women who seemingly share his bed.  (After all, it is a different woman every night.)  I think I can accurately say it is two a day since one leaves in the morning and another comes in the evening.  Wow!  Who does that!

I know I should not care but this specific one just always grated on my nerves. Could it have anything to do with her once parking in my parking space?  Could it have something to do with my believing he had real feelings for her?  He does outwardly seem to spend time moreso with her than the others.  Or, is it just plain old-fashioned jealousy?  Who knows?  I was never a jealous women before him, why would I be so now?

So, I penned a peaceful prayer (see February 14, 2014 blog entry) to my blog to help get me through the day.

When I arrived home from work, just as I thought, she was there.  I knew she would be.  I always felt that he really liked her.   Was this validation?  Forgetting everything that I have read, all of the counseling confirming that he is a bona fide narcissist, I continued to harbor feelings that he really liked this one.  Why didn’t he like me as much?  Should I even care, seeing what I see, knowing what I know?  Absolutely not!

What happens next, I know in my heart, is a sign from God.  A sign from the heavens above.  I receive three texts from him, nothing personal, just the usual neighborhood gossip.  I had previously cut off all contact with him, with the exception of texting him the previous day with mundane gossip.  Why is he texting me if she’s there with him?  How disrespectful but so like him. He’s text others numerous times in my presence.  I thought she was more special and me not so much.

I thought to myself “God had answered my prayer and gave me a sign to rest my weary spirit” showing me that this man is just what I thought him to be — a narcissist, a misogynist!  He simply does not have and will never have the capacity to care for anyone, not me, not her, not any of the many women traipsing in and out of his home daily.

What happens next is clearly a sign from God.  Clearly, my prayers being answered and my spirit being put to rest.  Just in case, I did not get the message last night with the texting, I know it was nothing but God’s Saving Grace sending me yet another sign tonight.  One of his lovers from nearly six months ago reappears!  She is back!  How do I feel?  I feel fine!  I feel relieved!  I feel vindicated!  I am free of the insanity that ruled my life for nine months!  He is unequivocally a narcissist.  A narcissist to his very core.

I was beginning to doubt if he was and thought there may have been a possibility that I was placating myself with the whole “narcissist” thing DESPITE his possessing nearly all of the characteristics. Reading some of the stories of other women involved with these hideous individuals, I realized their experiences were nearly identical to mine.  I could have written the exact same story with minimal changes!  Still, I had my doubts!  Not any more!

I feel so much better now knowing that I have rid my soul, my heart, my spirit and my mind of the foolishness. I am thankful to God for giving me the insight HE knew I needed to cease with the self-doubt.  I did nothing wrong but trusted an individual unworthy of my trust.  Spent valuable time catering to an individual who was churlish, mean-spirited and lacked the most common of social graces.

It feels good to feel good after so many months of nursing a heartache! It feels good to be on the right path. It feels good to have renewed self-esteem!

In the words of the late, great James Brown — I feel good!!!

Treat yourselves well!