Those days …

when the Negative Committee is trying to reconvene inside my head, it can be daunting.  I have devoted a tremendous amount of time this weekend to keeping the Negative Committee at bay, working diligently to ensure they do not disrupt the Positive Committee’s meeting.  It has not been easy for the Negative Committee is a formidable opponent of mine.  Those days this weekend have been challenging.

I had a disagreement with one of the Greatest Loves of My Life Friday evening.  It saddened me.  It was hurtful and now we are not talking.  Ok, that’s happened before. It’ll work itself out.  But … instead I began to focus on the Mess-and-a-Half the entire weekend.  Hence, last night’s post La La Land. Old thoughts are trying to re-emerge — that damn Negative Committee.  Who’s he with?  Why does he seem to like everyone else and not me? He must really like her.  Worrying about who’s there and who’s not.  Why did I allow myself to engage in his shenanigans?  I’m at it again.

The simple answer is I do not care one minutia.  His comings and goings and visitors are trivial in my world.  I remind myself of this those days when he and his shenanigans are creeping into my thoughts.  Those days when I am experiencing my own spin-mode, I admonish myself and remember he is a narcissist and a misogynist, a womanizer.  Plain and Simple.   I then grab ahold of my feelings, my emotions, successfully fending off the Negative Committee’s antics.  I recognize this descent, this attempt to travel to La La Land.  It  is not about him at all.  It is one of the Greatest Loves of My Life that has my spirits disquieted.  

I have spent the entire weekend in much of a tizzy.  I said it last night and I’ll say it again, he only becomes a focal point when something else in my life is amiss.  He is a symptom!

A great blogger friend and sister in the struggle wrote on one of my posts “… those days when I felt myself slipping back into spin-mode.”  I get it!  I really get it!  While many of us have emerged whole and even better, that does not mean that we are not without scars from our experience.  Although some of our scars may be small, it is a scar nevertheless.  We are entitled to have those days where we feel we’re in spin-mode.

Those days, are the ones I convene a meeting of the Positive Committee and throw the Negative Committee and all of its members out the window! Goodbye! Get out!  Leave!  And, please do not return!  There is no space for you, Negative Committee!

There is a reason for those days in spin-mode — we trusted, we cared and were  not treated well.  And, what’s even worse (at least for me), we allowed it.  Those days, we look back and remember the hurt, the pain, and in my case, the inability to breathe.   Those days when we are slipping into spin-mode are the remnants of the experience that is now behind us.  We were looking for our Happy Ever After and found Hell on Earth.  We deserve our own Happy Ever After.

It is not unreasonable to want to share our lives with someone who will treat us like the fantastic women we are.  We want someone to love us unconditionally.  I love the one scene in Sex in the City where Carrie tells The Russian “…I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”  She pretty much summed it up for me in that one little blurb.  It is exactly what I want.  And, until I find that kind of ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-life-without-each-other love, I plan not to waste any more of the years I have left on God’s earth with anything less.

Without that ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming … love, there will be no casual sex.  I have no interest in long-term dating with no commitment of at least monogamy. My heart and my lady parts will not be shared with the narcissist, misogynist, sex addict, emotionally unavailable, broken down, down-on-his-luck, commitment-phobic, megalomaniac, sociopath, psychopath or those who are otherwise 50 Shades of screwed up.  I am not interested in raising anyone’s son!

This is where I am and plan to remain.  Despite those days this weekend, when I am feeling somewhat dispirited, downcast, melancholy, dismal, downhearted and gloomy, the good news is I am still happy in love with myself.  For I have weathered yet another storm, remembering what is important, reminding myself every day, throughout the day, that I am an attractive, smart and a terrific human being.

So, as I move forward and work diligently to stave off those days where I am in spin-mode, I thought of another favorite Carrie Bradshaw quote “… the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

Treat yourselves better than well, treat yourselves wonderfully!

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8 thoughts on “Those days …

  1. I’m still in the battle with my ex. This returning to “spin cycle” could it be that I crawl out of that cycle head spinning, find my footing walk a little, smile a little, run a little then WHAM! Something happen or not happen and I fall back into that spin cycle again? Some days I am ok, some I’m fine, some I’m good, some I’m GREAT, but then somehow I end up back in The craziness if it all. It’s been almost 2 years and sometimes I will weep as if it has just occurred and I wonder why.

    Great post, great blog! Thanks for sharing!

    1. Which is why I wrote this … it is natural. We have war wounds. They will heal in time. Somedays will always be better than others — just remember to treat yourself well, wonderfully.

  2. What a fabulous post! I am having one of those spin cycle weekends, that’s why I have been off the blog radar. I even had to reach out to another sister survivor on Friday night! Ugggggg. I’m so glad I logged on and read your post! xx

    1. We’re entitled to have bad moments, which is why we’re all here, brought together by a common thread. Hope your week is better than your weekend. And, as you’ve heard before “pick yourself up, dust yourself off” and remember what a great individual you are!!!

  3. Thinking of you! I have been off-line at my Ex NSP came into town! Ummmmm~I will have an amazing post about this little endeavor in the future. How are you doing????!!!

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