Tag Archives: sex

60, 49, 39

Last Tuesday, I turned 60 years old.  The big 60, 6-0! I wanted to shut myself in a room and scream — how in the world did this happen.  I don’t want to be 60. I want to be 49 or even 39.  Definitely, not 60. I am not interested in the alternative either! Not one bit. So, I guess I will embrace my 60 and move right along.

As I sit here and review my life, my mistakes, my successes, my hopes and my dreams, one thing is certain, the last year became the year that I would come into my own. It is the year that I would discover my true passion.  It is to write.  It is the year, I would establish healthy boundaries.  And, it is the year that caused me to decide I would make changes.

To begin, I invoke the 12 Steps for Self Care.

12 Steps for Self Care

I invoke self-esteem. I invoke self-confidence. I invoke self-respect. I invoke a peacefulness within me that transcends negativity and drama.  I invoke love.  I invoke discernment.  I invoke positive and loving thoughts.

I invoke relationships that are kind and loving. I invoke happiness and laughter. I invoke all that is good and wonderful.  I invoke the continued love of my friends. I invoke a life filled with the promise of all that God has in store for me. I invoke success and prosperity.

I invoke my children will live full lives filled with happiness and enjoyment.

As I enter this new decade in my life, I decide what is right for me and will hold onto it. I, and I along, will decide that which is wrong and leave it.  I will, without hesitation, eliminate anything or anyone from my life that doesn’t feel right, that is disquieting to my spirit.

I abandon what has ill served me in the past. I abandon relationships with the emotionally unavailable. I abandon casual sex — sex without commitment or monogamy. I abandon negativity and drama. I abandon those that make me doubt myself.

I abandon the following words in any future posts:  narcissist, misogynist, womanizer, sociopath, psychopath or any words or references that gave birth to this blog.  That is the past. I abandon that past.  It is but one tiny aspect of my otherwise full and wonderful life. I abandon all vexations.

I abandon any conversations with the sister friends about the past year.  I abandon any efforts for that one experience to define me or cause me another minute of discomfort.  I am breathing fresh air.

I will love myself. I have closed a chapter in my life and am now writing a new one which will be filled with the love and goodness for which I was placed on this earth. I may not be able to turn back the clock and be 49 or 39. But I will be 60 and proud of it. I will be 60 knowing that I have yet another opportunity to improve myself and do things a little differently.

I will be 60 and Happy and In Love With Me. I will say goodbye to my 50s with some sadness but knowing that I am a better me. I am 60. I am 60 and have emerged from the fog.

I will treat myself better than well, I will treat myself wonderfully with the one caveat that others will also treat me well.

Treat yourselves wonderfully every single day!

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I don’t need sex…

Of course, I enjoy good sex as much as the next girl.  But I don’t need it.  I am happy when I have it.  But I am not unhappy because I don’t!  Physical love does not validate me.  It obviously seems to validate my narcissist.

Recently we were engaging in one of our bantering discussions when he remarked that I was in love with the sex.  I kinda went ballistic.  Ok, I did go ballistic.  I responded “I do not and have NEVER fallen in love with a man because of sex… A brain YES! Sex, absolutely not.”  Is he serious.  I am becoming increasingly more insolent. I love a man’s brain! Now that is what turns me on!

Understand this, when I was out-of-my-mind over him, he could have said the same thing and though it was not true not even then, I would not have disputed this untruth.  See, what he never knew about me — largely because he is so into himself — I have never been all that sexual. Silly narcissist!

A narcissist will never know you.  They will never get to know your likes or dislikes. They will not take notice to what turns you on or turns you off.  They are only concerned about themselves.  Had he paid the slightest attention, he would have noticed how much I enjoyed the bantering, the laughing and the fun we were having. He would have also noticed, it was not the sex that I enjoyed nearly as much as the companionship he provided.  The sex, for me, was the cherry on the sundae — not the freaking sundae, moron.  I don’t need sex. Never have. I enjoy it when it is available but don’t yearn for it when it’s not.

Does he really think so little of all women that every woman only wants a man for sex?  Of course he does.  He has women traipsing in and out of his house every day.  This evening, I got the biggest giggle — one who had spent last night left and another arrived five hours later.  Wow!  Seriously!  I would bet a paycheck a good number of them are in it for the sex! And, as long as that many are in it for the sex, why wouldn’t he believe WE all are.

For a couple of days now, I have pondered this discussion.  I understand now that he uses physical love to validate, to control.  He actually thought he was punishing me taking away the sex.  No, you idiot, it was the companionship that you took from me that hurt so deeply. Now that was my punishment!

My weakness has always been smart men with loads of brain power.  And, to my failing, a good-looking one! So I thought I had hit pay dirt when I seemingly had found both in one man given the demographics (7 to 1).  An intelligent man who can hold a conversation about nearly anything. Hallelujah! And you wonder why the other women did not affect me so much! I was in heaven! Then came hell!

We would talk for hours about politics and the state of the world. We would talk about food, animals, the neighbors, love and life.  Why would he be so foolish as to believe it was the sex?  With his plethora of women, he has come to believe that is what everyone wants from him.  He never realized for one moment that possibly that may not have been me, as well.

What I loved and enjoyed immensely were the text messages throughout the day, all day everyday. I loved the “good mornings honey, baby sweetie” every morning before 6:30 am.  I loved the way he made me laugh.  He was silly!  Once he made me laugh so hard, he had to catch me from falling out of his bed. So, dear narcissist don’t fool yourself — it may have been physical for you but it was not for me.

I even told him at one point, he was just not doing it for me.  I was not enjoying it.  On one occasion I said “I need a cup or two of passion with my sex.  No kissing, no foreplay — that does not work with me.”  As you can see, I was emerging from my fog. I am telling him what I think — not what he wants to hear. Of course, I am partly to blame for his outrageous thinking as I made all the funny noises and left him thinking he had rocked my world. But isn’t this just something some of us girls do from time to time. I know I do!

I am emerging from my fog.  I am finding my voice and reclaiming my power.  My narcissist, “the sex was robotic.  And, it didn’t seem like you were enjoying it all that much either.”  It was manual, manufactured robotic sex.  I could almost tell what move he would make and when.  It was always the same in the same place.  It was routine! And he thinks I am some sex-crazed woman. Seriously, my narcissist think! If you only knew that if that was all you had to offer me, I would not have been in this mess!

I get it now! According to Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisted, “[n]arcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.”  Bingo! I was right, he was not enjoying it. He was working!

On a couple of occasions, I ask to cuddle.  His response was hilarious. Yes, I laughed because it was funny. He behaved like Al Bundy.  You would have thought I asked for his worldly possessions. He whined. He actually whined! I could not help but laugh.

As I continue on my path to living a full and wonderful life, I realize his life will remain empty and void of true happiness and unconditional love.  I will achieve real happiness, the kind of happiness derived from loving one’s self, living a satisfying and fulfilling life, surrounded and loved by people who have depth and substance.  I will be spiritually sound and validated through these things — not by empty and robotic sex.

I don’t need sex!  I need emotional and spiritual love for my hot fudge sundae with or without the cherry on top.

Treat yourselves wonderfully!