Tag Archives: treating myself wonderfully

Back ‘n forth … back ‘n forth

… for nearly five years with a mess-and-a-half.  I’d leave him alone and somehow, someway after months of ignoring and avoiding him, I would allow him back in my life.  The only difference now then it was 2-1/2 years ago, I did not allow myself to travel to La La Land… over the antics. The antics, blatant disrespect and lack of consideration used to hurt.  I’d want to put my head in a hole or I’d relegate to inside my home, not daring to venture out as I may run into him.  Now … I get angry — outright angry.  And, not just with him, but with myself more.

Throughout the time I’ve been involved with the mess-and-a-half, I was on a mission of self-healing.  I wrote a book. I started this blog. I journaled.  I chatted with friends, a counselor and consulted with a psychic. I did everything I could to get this man out of my system over the last five years.  And, then I reminded myself what a sister friend told me 30 years ago … “when you’re tired, you’re tired and nobody will have to tell you you’re tired because you’ll be tired.”  It is then and only then can you truly walk away. I stopped trying. I waited cause I knew the day would come when I would be tired. It would happen. I knew it would happen. It had to happen.

What is it about me that would give someone carte blanche to disrespect me. To treat me with so little disregard, without compunction.  I needed to make some changes.  What I do know now after nearly five years of back ‘n forth and more back ‘n forth, I could only walk away and stay away when I truly hit bottom, rock bottom.  When I have truly changed me. I needed to change me.  I could no longer sit idly by and accept bad behavior from others for any reason.  It was long past saying it.  It was time for action. I decided to seriously commit to working on my feelings of low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and self-worth, co-dependency and just not feeling good enough. It was time to invoke the change I needed to set myself free.

I’m not talking about being free of the mess-and-a-half.  I’m talking about being free of the ghosts of my past. I’m talking about ridding myself of the childhood that could have been better.  I’m talking about letting it all go and reinventing myself.  Becoming a better version of me.  It was way past time to demand the same respect I willingly gave and not just from the mess-and-a-half but from everyone in my life.  See, I realize it wasn’t just him.  It was a pattern for me.  I had failed to establish healthy boundaries throughout my life.  I had a “kick-me” sign on my back and “sucker” on my forehead.

Sure, if you’ve read this blog from the beginning, you’ll see I’ve said so many times, so many ways that I was free. That I loved myself.  That I was done with the mess-and-a-half. Yet, he was always able to lure me back with a false sense of security.  I was sick of myself! Truly fed up with thinking this was happiness, that this was some version of love.  This was sickening.

The disappointments and disrespect were becoming more frequent.  He had even began to throw in a little verbal/emotional abuse when called out on his nonsense.  Whatever he did or said, whatever unbroken promises he made, it was his expectation that I sit in a corner and not say a word.  Seriously, while the mess-and-a-half does whatever he wants, with whomever he pleases (in my face no less), I am to say nothing. All the while he is the benefactor of my nurturing and loving self.  He could drink all the lemonade he wanted, enjoy great meals including steaks, crab legs and ribs and receive free professional massages anytime he wanted.  His disrespect had gone too far.

Once within 30 minutes of enjoying a crab leg and baked potato meal, he was riding off with someone else. This began to happen more and more after he’d request a meal and a massage, then someone else shared his bed.  You know the bed … the one I vowed never to enter again.  I lied! I always lied when it came to the mess-and-a-half. I lied to him. I lied to my friends. And more importantly, I lied to myself every time I said I was done and was back in it again! The back ‘n forth with this man was never-ending.

OMG … is he trying to use me.  Now that’s just plain silly.  We’re too old for that.  Why would the mess-and-a-half think he could use me and I not notice. There began to be less and less left for me.  Oh sure, I was more than welcomed to the disrespect and disappointments he had to give.  And yes, he’d always want (expect) a hot meal, ice cold lemonade or Bailey’s and coffee on demand. But what do I get?  Nothing, nada, not a crumb or morsel.

Wait a freaking minute, I’ve gotta stop this. I’ve gotta stop this expeditiously, swiftly, promptly, immediately, instantly; quick-fast-in-a-hurry and with-the-quickness! I won’t be used and mistreated any longer. This I cannot allow. Up until then, I really didn’t know how to break the cycle. I had stopped allowing the mess-and-a-half‘s antics to hurt my feelings some time ago. I had begun to feel more anger than hurt anyway. Ah Ha moment … the beginning of my change.

Numerous times since the beginning of this blog I said I was done, done and DONE.  I mean it I’m Done.  Yeah right! Was I really? Nope.  And, while the intensity of our relationship dwindled each time I returned, there would just be enough to keep me falling back in.  Once I began to effectuate various aspects of my change, I stopped saying I was done with him forever.  I stopped saying “never”.  I no longer say I will never be with him again. I don’t know my future and realize he is and probably will always be my weakness. I was in a constant war with myself and my feelings over this man. I embraced my feelings, allowed myself to grieve the relationship. And, just committed to myself that as long as things were as they were, I owed it to myself to let it go. I couldn’t do the increasingly verbal/emotional abuse, the flying off the handle over little things, the disrespect and the lack of consideration and ALL those women.  Hell! I didn’t wanna do it anymore.

I don’t know if the back ‘n  forth is finally over.  But what I do know is this …

I really am treating myself wonderfully now

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Things that make you go Mmmmm….. Trinity Men!

A couple days ago I read a news story about a couple married for 59 years who died holding hands.  That story hit me firmly in my little ol’ heart.  It hit me so hard, I am still thinking about it.  When I first read it, I couldn’t wait to meet up with my newest sister friend/neighbor to do a little community cleanup. Those dreaded weeds!  Anyway, I desperately needed to engage her in the discussion … What makes a good husband, good father and good man?  As soon as I read the story, I was overwhelmed with emotion and that question:  What does makes a good husband, good father and good man?  How does this happen?

Okay you’ve probably read the story and now wondering what about it propelled me into such a deep, thought provoking state of mind.  I’ll tell you … it was one little sentence  … “The first question he had every day was ‘What’s going on with my wife?’’’. WOW!  For all of their years together, the ups and downs, still after 59 years, despite his own illness, his first thought every day on his deathbed was still devoted to the woman he decided long ago would be the one he’d love for all eternity.  He was a Trinity Man!

I told my sister friend/neighbor about the story and then in the midst of pulling those blasted (and painful) thistle weeds, the two of us are trying to solve this mystery.  How do men become the trinity … good husband, father and man?  What are the ingredients? What did their parents do?  What didn’t their parents do? Is it serendipity?  Is it planned or unplanned?  How does this happen! I wanna know.

Despite marriages, affairs, relationships, I can honestly say I never found myself a Trinity Man.  Sure he may have possessed some of the attributes that made him a good one of the three but there have been no Trinity Men.

Since reading that story, I’ve been like well hell where’s my Trinity Man been all my life.  I’ve kissed one too many frogs.  And only one frog in my whole life may have even come close to being a Trinity Man.  I want one just like the one in the story. I’m sure he wasn’t perfect and neither was she.  I’m not even caring about their arguments and whatever else they may have experienced in 59 years.  I am, however, loving the commitment to stay together til the very end and then afterwards.  That says a lot to me. That tells me ol’ girl got herself a Trinity Man. And, she made it work!

I have friends whose marriage I have viewed from the outside for years. They’ve been married for 50 years.  While I’m certain they’ve had ups, downs and that stuff in between, I’m certain he is a Trinity Man.  One day, I heard her Trinity Man say he had to go to the market because his “baby” was coming home for a visit.  That “baby” was 30 something, living on her own in another state.  And, that “baby” talks about her “daddy” like he is the King of Kings.  A Trinity Man!

One day while sitting in my car in front of their home talking to the both of them, my friend heard my car door squeak. She turned to her Trinity Man and asked him to oil my door. What did he do?  Yep, he retrieved that oil from their garage and oiled my car door. This is her Trinity Man.  Watching the two of them in their home, cooking large meals together gives me the warm fuzzy every single time I witness it!

Call me the ultimate romantic … I’m okay with that.  I just wanna know what were these men taught?  What did they observe in their households? Somebody please tell me what made them Trinity Men.

After reading the story, I feared that I may have failed in creating a Trinity Man for some worthy woman.  I pray that I am wrong but you just never know.  How proud must be the mothers of Trinity Men. It has to be the bestest feeling to watch your son, taking care of his wife, his children and their home.  It has to give you a tingly feeling all in your toes to watch your son value his wife, his children and their home.

My friend said it without even realizing she had solved the mystery … it’s about valuing.  When you value someone, you work to ensure they are safe, they are happy, their needs are met and their worries are minimized.  When you value someone your first question of every day is ‘what’s going on with my wife?’

My love, respect and admiration to all the Trinity Men.

For me, I’m just continuing to treat myself wonderfully every single day.

I simply forgot …

who I really am. During my 2+ years of despair, I forgot I had strengths. I forgot to love myself.  So today, while walking my sweet pooch, I thought about those drafts of posts I had started but never finished. They are indicative of my state of mind over the last 2+ years. As I began to trash them, I could not help but think about how I felt when I started each draft.

Sometime I ago, I began to write, I have fallen madly, hopelessly in love … with myself. This was my affirmation when I awoke one morning. Although I told myself this, I did not actually believe it. I was still in anguish, still believing I had committed some major faux pas that ended the fun I was having. I wanted to believe I loved myself enough to end my emotional turmoil. Somehow just saying it made me think I was actually loving myself and this would eliminate my pain. I soon discovered I was still in pain … and it was because I was still not loving myself!

I get it!!!! One of my very close friends was experiencing a life-changing event. She forced herself to say only positive things about herself. She would not allow herself to say one negative word about herself. Not even in the slightest.  For her it became all about the positives… (another trashed draft). She helped me to understand that beating, denigrating and being critical of myself would not help me to heal. It would only keep me in the fog that I desperately wanted to rid myself of.

Was it really Love ….Absolutely Not! Trying to determine if I had foolishly allowed myself to be in love was the impetus of this unfinished draft. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized this was not my problem. My problem was how can I treat someone so well and they treat me with so little regard, with no consideration of my feelings. No quid pro quo. You give the very best of you for companionship, for friendship.  The other person only takes. It was during this time that I began to realize my giving nature had zero business being involved with someone who only takes.

Accepting responsibility … was the most important part of my beginning to heal. Knowing what I knew about the narcissist that I allowed in my world, was my fault. I knew what this person was. I knew this person had multiple lovers. After all, he’s only a stone’s throw away from my front door.  I knew this person. I had watched this mess-and-a-half for over ten years. I knew that he was a womanizer to the nth degree. What I thought was that given our proximity, he would be considerate. He would not tell lies, that I would know were lies. What I thought was that despite his obvious sexual proclivities, he would be a human being, that he would at the very least be a decent person.

I’d rather pull weeds … than to share that bed ever again in this life or the next one, for that matter. When I was approached one morning and asked if I would come over for a little dalliance, my immediate response was I’m pulling weeds from my garden today. Kinda funny isn’t. It was a natural response. You know the kind where you didn’t even think before you spoke. It just came out. All I can say is after all of the inconsideration, the blatant disrespect, there was no way, I would share that bed with him (and the 20 others). No way. After all, I had accepted responsibility for my foolishness.

I had allowed him to fool me once, thinking he was at best a person with some regard for others.  I was clueless about narcissism. Yes, I knew he was a womanizer. But I was not looking for a committed relationship. Companionship, friendship and someone who makes you laugh were good enough for me … I thought. There would be no fooling me a second time. This mess-and-a-half is a shameless human being.  While I accept responsibility for the first fooling, I was placing blame on him as well for both. Who does that? Who goes through life hurting people, intentionally.  A person with no conscience. A narcissist. I cannot wrap my head around someone who behaves like this. I just cannot.

What “no contact” means to me… I began to seriously give some credibility to “no contact“.  After that fateful day in August 2014, I knew it was long past the time for me to let it go. I really just have to …Let it go (another blog being trashed).  I read a sermon online about leaving things that are not good for you. It resonated with me. Spiritually, I knew I was being spoken to by my God. I knew that the only way out of this fog was to let …. this … go.  Leave it! Move on! Do not look back.

He called, I did not answer. He text, I did not respond. I had hit my bottom and I could only go up from here. No Contact begins.

Six days … five partners. Early in my no contact, I noted in six days, he had five women. For some reason, I felt differently than before. This was no unusual behavior for him. What was unusual was the effect it had on me. I saw it for what it really was … repulsive. What in God’s name was I thinking back in December 2012.  I knew this was common behavior for him.  But the effect it had on me this time was what it always should have been.  Repulsion, disgust, abhorrence, repugnance, aversion, distaste. I was getting there!

The better than best feeling … was seeing what the mess-and-a-half for what he really is.  It began to free me. What a difference a year makes (another trashed blog). On January 1, 2015, I was feeling better. I noticed that I no longer cared who was visiting. Seeing him gave me no pangs.  And, for certain, I was beginning to become me again. I really was loving myself — not just telling myself uttering the words.  I realized I had erred in judgment as most humans do at some point in their lives.  What I was not going to do was beat myself up any longer. After all, as a human being he had a responsibility to be a human being, to treat people with kindness and respect. This is not my failing. It is his!  

Seafood night … after trying for a semblance of a friendship, he told me that he missed me, that he missed our seafood nights together. Why shouldn’t he? They were fun. There is nothing like good food and friendship. But wait, in a matter of days, his true colors surfaced.  I knew at that moment, I did not even want his friendship.  So, I put him in his place cursed him out, and on that day, at that very moment I was free, Free at last… Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last (another blog for the trash).

Now, I’m just concentrating on the positives, being grateful for reclaiming myself, my life, not wearing my friends’ ears out with incessant and constant chatter of the mess-and-a-half.

Here I am on this lovely fall day… doing what I love (writing) and ….

Treating myself wonderfully!

Put your trash in the garbage …

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and take it to the curb. What else would you do with it. That is all that can be done with trash. Sit it at the curb, wait for the waste management company to pick it up and deliver it to the landfill.  That is where trash belongs and that is where I sent mine yesterday.  Keeping trash in your home is hazardous to your health.  It infects your home with its rancid, foul odor. It can even make you ill.  It causes pests. And, no one will want to visit a home where nasty, stinky trash is kept inside.  There is every reason to remove trash from your home regularly and no reason to keep it inside. So don’t!

Thursday morning is trash day where I live. Yesterday, I sat my trash can at the curb with its week’s worth of garbage inside.  On top of the trash can containing the garbage I had amassed over the past week, I sat the mess-and-a-half and all of his foolishness.  After nine months of full-blown No Contact and the last five months of trying to be neighborly, trying to be a friend, trying to have a semblance of what we had shared — the laughter, food, drink, I just could not do it. I did not want to do it.

The man is too flawed, too broken and is seriously 50 shades of screwed up. I decided on Thursday, October 29th, this is trash. Trash should be thrown out. At the moment I threw out my trash, I felt better than I have in over two years. I felt healed. I felt rejuvenated. And, in the words of the great James Brown, I Feel Good!

I won’t lie to myself or to you, I ended No Contact with him on my own terms hoping that at the very least a friendship would be achievable. I was no longer interested in any romantic attachment.  Just a friendship with laughter and fun. He is funny. I enjoyed feeding him.  He enjoys food.  But, this time, it was not the same.  I just wasn’t feeling it, wasn’t feeling him. I had no problem saying no most days. I only cooked IF I wanted to … not because he asked. He asked often. I had no problem not talking or texting with him for days on end. His antics no longer phased me. I was different. I felt different. I realized I was trying to like a person that is simply unlikable.

Of course, he just had to go and say something totally stupid, something ridiculous, something disrespectful.  Before No Contact, I would have let it go. i would have sulked, looked beyond his nonsense, the insanity. This time, however, before I knew it, before I could even catch myself, I gave him the tongue lashing he deserved. After my insult-laced tirade, I felt better than I had since I began this silliness with a mess-and-a-half. I called him a misogynistic, nasty, womanizing $%@#.  I called him a rotten you-know-what.  It felt good just writing it. After all why mince words. He doesn’t.

And, since what he said that sent me straight to La La Land was via text, it was only befitting that I hurl my insults using the same medium. I could not help myself. I unleashed every emotional thought I had held onto for over two years at him. Before i knew it, I was in La La Land and this time was glad to be there. I was not hurting, not bereft. I was unleashing my wrath on a pathetic narcissist who believes he has carte blanche to insult, hurt, abuse and mistreat others.

Okay friends, I’ll say it … I cursed him out! There, I said it. I cursed him out, and it felt sooooo good! I know some of you are thinking why would I bother.  To that I say why would I not bother. I did it for me! Do I care if it reverberated. Nope. I only care that I said it. I finally said it. I said what needed to be said to someone who had been mean, inconsiderate and a jerk of a human being to me since April 2013.  I no longer felt the need or even had the desire to be dutiful and respectful of someone else’s feelings who believed I deserve much less. When I cursed him out, it freed me! Yup, I’m free of the insanity that I had allowed to control my life for over two years.

When I sat my trash can at the curb yesterday morning, I sat him and his foolishness on top of that can — metaphorically, of course. It felt good. I felt really good.  Thank you God, I was back! I was done. And, this time it was for real. It was effortless. I wasn’t trying to forget about him. I FORGOT about him. I wasn’t trying to move on. I MOVED ON! It was done.

My tirade has been the greatest source of amusement I and my sister-friends have enjoyed in quite awhile.  In fact, one welcomed me back to my reality. To who I really am as an individual.  To the no-nonsense person I am that in my right mind would have never tolerated such blatant mistreatment, abuse from anyone ever. I have divorced husbands for less!

So to those of you who have trash in your home, throw it out. Remove it immediately.  You don’t need it. You’re not supposed to have it anyway. Now that you’ve gotten rid of that nasty, rancid, foul trash …

Be Happy! Love Yourself! It is way past the time for you to be Treating Yourself Wonderfully!

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.