Category Archives: Living the Good Life

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.

60, 49, 39

Last Tuesday, I turned 60 years old.  The big 60, 6-0! I wanted to shut myself in a room and scream — how in the world did this happen.  I don’t want to be 60. I want to be 49 or even 39.  Definitely, not 60. I am not interested in the alternative either! Not one bit. So, I guess I will embrace my 60 and move right along.

As I sit here and review my life, my mistakes, my successes, my hopes and my dreams, one thing is certain, the last year became the year that I would come into my own. It is the year that I would discover my true passion.  It is to write.  It is the year, I would establish healthy boundaries.  And, it is the year that caused me to decide I would make changes.

To begin, I invoke the 12 Steps for Self Care.

12 Steps for Self Care

I invoke self-esteem. I invoke self-confidence. I invoke self-respect. I invoke a peacefulness within me that transcends negativity and drama.  I invoke love.  I invoke discernment.  I invoke positive and loving thoughts.

I invoke relationships that are kind and loving. I invoke happiness and laughter. I invoke all that is good and wonderful.  I invoke the continued love of my friends. I invoke a life filled with the promise of all that God has in store for me. I invoke success and prosperity.

I invoke my children will live full lives filled with happiness and enjoyment.

As I enter this new decade in my life, I decide what is right for me and will hold onto it. I, and I along, will decide that which is wrong and leave it.  I will, without hesitation, eliminate anything or anyone from my life that doesn’t feel right, that is disquieting to my spirit.

I abandon what has ill served me in the past. I abandon relationships with the emotionally unavailable. I abandon casual sex — sex without commitment or monogamy. I abandon negativity and drama. I abandon those that make me doubt myself.

I abandon the following words in any future posts:  narcissist, misogynist, womanizer, sociopath, psychopath or any words or references that gave birth to this blog.  That is the past. I abandon that past.  It is but one tiny aspect of my otherwise full and wonderful life. I abandon all vexations.

I abandon any conversations with the sister friends about the past year.  I abandon any efforts for that one experience to define me or cause me another minute of discomfort.  I am breathing fresh air.

I will love myself. I have closed a chapter in my life and am now writing a new one which will be filled with the love and goodness for which I was placed on this earth. I may not be able to turn back the clock and be 49 or 39. But I will be 60 and proud of it. I will be 60 knowing that I have yet another opportunity to improve myself and do things a little differently.

I will be 60 and Happy and In Love With Me. I will say goodbye to my 50s with some sadness but knowing that I am a better me. I am 60. I am 60 and have emerged from the fog.

I will treat myself better than well, I will treat myself wonderfully with the one caveat that others will also treat me well.

Treat yourselves wonderfully every single day!

La La Land…

is where I was for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days of 2013, due to a Mess-and-a-Half which I had immersed myself.  This morning, I was talking on the telephone to a sister friend — the one who really should think about becoming a stand-up comedian.  I was telling my sister friend that I recognized sometime ago that my off-and-on vacation stops in La La Land over the narcissist were more symptoms of my overall state-of-mind, my muddling than any unhappiness with the Mess-and-a-Half.  I conveyed this notion to my counselor and other sister friends months ago.

She got it!  Don’t you love it when you are having difficulty expressing yourself and the individual on the other end “gets it”.  I know I do.  She responded almost immediately that she had noticed that when I would travel to La La Land, ranting and raving about the narcissist that I was usually dealing with other not-so-pleasant aspects of my life!  Other parts of my life were off kilter.  Helter-skelter so-to-speak.

Ask yourselves these questions:  Are other parts of your life imbalanced?  Are you worrying about your children?  Are you worrying about your finances? Are you able to do many of the things you enjoy? Are your needs being met?  Do you have the things you want/need? How’s your health?  Do you hate your job?  Your boss?  Or, your co-workers?  I can think of a few others but you get the point, I’m sure.

After the roller coaster I had been riding began to descend, I would take periodic trips to La La Land.  I would talk about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half without interruption, incessantly, constantly, continually, non-stop, around the clock, interminably, unremittingly, ceaselessly, endlessly, all day, every day.  I pause here to express my appreciation to the sister friends who entertained my insanity.  And, trust me that is exactly where I was — In my very own La La Land, Insanityville USA.

I needed answers!  I would investigate, play detective and scrutinize every minute detail about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half.  I was going to figure out what went wrong, what had I done wrong that caused me to lose the momentary happiness I’d had for three months.  I was going to determine one way or the other why it had disappeared — literally overnight, in six hours! 

When the downward spiral began, I had just accepted a new and demanding position.  I was working diligently at putting other aspects of my life in order, after having been gone for several years.  My home needed repairs, I was worried about my children, one of my sister friends was gravely ill and I was dealing with all that life was throwing at me.  I referred to it as hitting baseballs in one of those little cages.  As soon as you hit one, there was another coming at you.  As I reflect back on those days, I realize now that, with all that was going on, my making the Mess-and-a-Half a focal point, probably staved off my leaving La La Land for a trip to Crazytown.

I’m telling you he’s more of a symptom than anything else, I would tell the sister friends often.  With the narcissist as my focal point, I would take a trip to La La Land at any given moment.   There would be days where I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner in La La Land. I cared a great deal about the narcissist — that I won’t deny.  However, my insanity was not all about the narcissist.  It had a lot to do with the all-encompassing fog that was growing denser.

He was a symptom.  Simple as that.  Think about how often you have been in La La Land and swore it was one thing only to discover it was altogether something totally different.  Been there, done that many times over the years.  There was a lot on my plate.  Some aspects of my life were overwhelming at the time.  And then I became introduced to narcissism. Something I knew absolutely nothing about.

I often think now would I have been such a willing and easy target for someone of such odious ilk had I not already been in a fog.  Going to La La Land would be a short trip for me.  Who’s to say.  But given the circumstances and the intimate knowledge I possessed, probably not.  The narcissist’s intrusion into a life where I was simply muddling along would be the impetus I needed to exit La La Land.

I needed this assault on my soul, my very being.  I desperately needed to wake up, smell the roses and put my life in order — one piece at a time. I needed self-esteem.  I needed to establish boundaries.  And, I needed to think about myself a little more and everyone else a little less.  I needed to Treat Myself Better than Well … I needed to Treat Myself Wonderfully.  I get it now!

Leaving LaLa Land

Treat Yourselves Better than Well … Treat Yourselves Wonderfully!

I write …

liebster4

When I am feeling good, I write!  I write when I need inspiration.  And, I write to remind myself who I am and what I want in my life.    Thank you Tela (@ sociopathlife.com) for recommending me for the Liebster Award.  I am both thrilled and honored.  While my blog was born out of my mess-and-a-half, it has propelled me to love myself first and foremost.  It also keeps the Negative Committee exiled!

When I write, I am reminded that I have a tremendous capacity for love and am loved by many.  I love my blog.  I love my writing.  I look forward to expressing myself.  I often think about my blog throughout the day.  By the end of the week, I am ready and able to post no less than two of my thoughts. Why?  Because my thoughts and feelings are right upfront in my heart and mind.

I write, I heal.  My healing began with everyone else’s blogs and continues with my own.  My confession:  Still, if something about the mess-and-a-half attempts to disrupt my peacefulness, my positivity , I write.  I immediately convene a meeting of the Positive Committee.  I grab my coffee and my wonderful Bailey’s, a seat in my favorite chair with my laptop in my lap and I write.

When I am satisfied with what I have written, I feel peaceful, tranquil, calm, still, relaxed, soothed, undisturbed, untroubled, serene, composed, at ease, untroubled, content, rejuvenated, reinvigorated, re-energized, regenerated, revived, resuscitated, refreshed and stimulated.  Then, I have a reality check — the mess-and-a-half is still a mess-and-a-half. 

I am happy.  I am happy in love with me.  I have renewed love and peace for myself and those that I love.  I now even joke about the mess-and-a-half.  Every so often I may feel a little pang or two of pity for those who seemingly don’t know who or what they have allowed into their life, who’s bed they’re sharing.  Me, I know.  I have always known.  And, that allows me to be in my better place with my coffee and Bailey’s.  Life just keeps getting better.  Lord knows, I miss my Gummi Bears!  When is this Lent thing going to be over!

I nominate the following bloggers for the Liebster Award.  They were and continue to be my inspiration.  This award gives me the one opportunity to pay it forward to those bloggers who helped me so much and let them know how much I appreciate what their blogs have done for me, for my healing.

Disentangling, extricating myself from a relationship with a narcissist was difficult, but I did it!  I found my way out with determination, will, strength, wonderful bloggers and the Saving Grace of my Awesome God!

http://www.thetruthyoualwaysknew.com

http://breemikael.wordpress.com

http://flowersfromapsycho.wordpress.com

http://plambert001.wordpress.com

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog

wendyjpowell.wordpress.com

http://silverboundary.wordpress.com

 http://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com

Random facts about me:

  • I love animals (except hyenas)
  • I love my job … my bosses
  • I LOVE summer.  I don’t care if it is 100+ degrees I LOVE it.
  • I don’t like winter at all, not one bit!  Ok, I confess, I HATE IT!
  • A couple years ago, I bought an Android phone and sent it back the following day — answering a phone should not be mind boggling
  • I type over 100 wpm
  • I wrote my first novella If it looks like … a pig about my experience (without a clue I was describing a relationship with a narcissist)
  • I have always wanted to know what it was like to live somewhere other than where I had been all of my life.  So, I lived in another state for several years on my own
  • I absolve everyone of my mess-and-a-half, especially myself!
  • I not only love Gummi Bears – but worms and frogs too!
  • I never misspell a word … If it is misspelled it is a typo! 😉
  1. What is the best thing about you?  My determination, will, perseverance and a sense of humor to die for!  (I’m a bit smarter than even I know.)
  2. What time of day do you blog? I blog primarily on the weekends throughout the day. 
  3. How many revisions does it take before you finally publish? (love this one)  A hundred!  Seriously tho’, I am constantly editing/saving.  I counted 25+ on several of my posts.  I’m editing/revising even after I’ve published. 
  4. Who is/was the most influential person in your life?  I have so many to name but I have two friends who I will see on the other side that made a tremendous difference in my life. One imparted work wisdoms, the other life and love.  I miss them terribly but they truly made the difference in my life.  And, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout-out to the mess-and-a-half! Without whom, I would still be muddling along.
  5. In one word describe yourself?  Funny
  6. Where do you see yourself one year from now?  A well-known blogger/author.
  7. What is your favorite social media?  Facebook
  8. What type of blogs do you follow?  Currently anything having to do with self-esteem, narcissism, healing and loving one’s self.
  9. What is the motivating factor for you to blog?  Feelings
  10. How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it?  Informative, inspirational.  Sociopathlife tells it like it is, no holds barred.  When I started reading it, I gained a better sense of what was happening in my life.  It was a motivating factor in my healing.
  11. What have you learned about yourself from blogging?  That I love it. That it is healing. That I was born to write.  And, the perils of dealing with a narcissist!

Find your peace, and then…

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully.

I chose to be happy in love …

with ME!  Yes, me!  I reached inside myself and extracted every bit of will, strength, determination and whatever else was hidden inside me to feel better. I began a real love affair.  This time with someone who I knew had learned her lesson and would treat me well. Treat me wonderfully.  That person would be me.

I have chosen to be happy in love with me, taking a long, hard look at myself.  I now believe that I am attractive and smart too.  I am a bona fide, genuine, veritable, honest-to-goodness, sho’ nuff Winner (with a capital “W”).

I am letting go all those negative thoughts about myself and replacing them with new and improved loving thoughts of me!  I had dinner with a friend last week. We were talking about my blog and she remarked that it all seemed to focus around the mess-and-a-half.  I told her how coincidental that she mentioned that as I had decided to turn it around and change the focus.  Now, it is about me.  All about me.

I chose to be happy in love with my world that is now a work-in-progress.  I chose to renew my love and commitment to my children. I chose to love them for the people they are, for the people I raised them to be and for the love they each have given me.  I chose to be happy in love with the children who are the Greatest Loves of my life!

I chose to be happy in love with the sister (and brother) friends who have supported me emotionally through the years.  The friends who believed in me when I was struggling with who I am and what should I be doing with myself, my life.  I chose to be happy in love with the friends who continued to believe in me when I was Chair of the Negative Committee.  That committee tried to set up headquarters in my head, inside my heart. I shut it down!

I chose to be happy in love with my baby sister. The relationship has had its ups-and-downs but one thing I have discovered is — it too is an unconditional, unshakeable love.  Why question the authenticity of that love?  When someone expresses their love for you in a public forum, you can only receive it and say yep, she loves me.  All is forgiven.  We forge ahead.

I chose to be happy in love with my home, tending to it, repairing and making it a beautiful home. Of course, I chose to continue to be happy and in love with my pet companions — that’s a given.  I chose to take care of myself and provide for my wants and needs, including my Bailey’s and Gummi Bears before I even think of everyone else’s! I come first!

I saw, I conquered and I persevered through some of life’s greatest challenges.  I choose to be happy in love with my mistakes and all the parts of me that comprise the quintessential me — a wonderfully, bright, smart and attractive woman who can take on the toughest obstacle and emerge from it like the mythological phoenix standing erect with her head held high.  I have chosen to be happy in love with my best friend in my great and wonderful world — ME!

I choose to be happy in love with me inspite of and despite my shortcomings, longcomings, idiosyncrasies or whatever.  Everybody has some.

Thank you esteemology.com for my 2014 Affirmation:  I am unapologetically, fiercely, authentically ME. This is all I have to be. It is all I will ever need to be. I was born good enough. It is my birthright. This is the next step in my global, spiritual awakening. I have embraced my uniqueness and am being happy and joyful, living an authentic life.  I chose to be happy in love with me!

I chose to be happy in love with me, living a life that is better and more fulfilling, satisfying — a life I deserve.  I choose to have only peace and love in my life.  I choose to remove those friendships that are toxic, unhealthy, and which fail to add value to my world.  I choose to be more discerning in my relationships.

I chose to be happy in love with my God and his Saving Grace that has allowed me the strength to persevere, to forge ahead.  My God is an awesome God!

I chose to be happy in love by setting 2014 goals for myself — attainable goals.

I chose to be happy in love with me, treating myself not just well but wonderfully!

You should do the same!

Fool me once…

Shame on you and you alone.  I think I may just rewrite the old adage Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  I’m thinking I will change it to Fool me once, the shame is all your’s.  There will not be a second fooling.  Why should I be so benevolent as to give anyone a second opportunity.  When you have fooled me once, you’ve already shamed us both.  Should there even be a second fooling?  Mmmm Nope!  Not anymore!

I have tried my entire life not to be judgmental.  I always accepted everyone on their terms. If I liked you, I looked past your faults, your idiosyncrasies, your peculiarities.  I knew very little about treacherous and menacing personality disorders and that I should steer clear of them.  I now understand that I can be discerning without being judgmental.  People who are vexations to the spirit, whose moral compass is off should not have admittance into anyone’s life, not mine for sure.

I always thought I was being a good person.  A genuine, loving person who accepted everyone as they were.  Hence, a root cause of my mess-and-a-half! As I look forward (not backwards), I now realize there are even sister friends who I should have revoked their friendship pass long ago.

I had a sister friend who I now believe may possess some type of sociopathic personality disorder.  We were sister friends well over 20 years.  Great friends, close friends.  I loved this girl as though she was a family member. My favorite thing about her — she could make me laugh, a lot, heartily. Over the years, however, I began to notice things but dismissed them.

You’ve probably figured out by now I have a penchant for laughter and fun.  I want to laugh all day, everyday. I have no problem being a laughing fool.  When I am laughing, I feel … better than good.  I feel wonderful, alive, happy.  Those who know me well, know they have to proceed with caution when making me laugh. I become hysterical easily. You want the key to my kingdom, make me laugh!

Several years ago, I had stepped outside my comfort zone and went on my greatest adventure moving to another state.  I lived without the family and friends I loved so much.  To say that I was lonely is an understatement.  My ex-sister friend and I talked by phone daily.  During one of those chat sessions, I remarked on how wonderful were her accomplishments.  Her resume is awesome!  Her accomplishments are off-the-charts.

She is extremely smart and works hard in the community, at school and at work.  Her response to my compliment made me take one-half step backwards.  The only woman badder than me was herself, she remarked.  I thought it was odd to say such to a friend, a close friend.  It sounded kind of competitive but perhaps I am reading too much into it.  (Why would I compete with my friend or she with me!)

I realize now this was Fool me once!  Shame on her!

My ex-sister friend knows me, she knows me very well.  I have shared some of my most intimate secrets with her.  She knows I am not a woman who asks men for money.  Nor do I expect it. Never have, never will.  My finances are my personal business, and I do not discuss them openly.  The topic of my finances is sacred.

Why in a conversation would she dare degrade me and say something so appalling as to suggest I should ask any man for money.  And, the delivery, the words were so outrageous I cannot even bring myself to repeat them here.  At that moment I decided it was best I not talk to her for a minute, give the relationship a rest.  I did just that.

I could not understand or appreciate the suggestion.  I am not a lady of the evening, streetwalker, tart, moll, fille de joie, escort, courtesan, hustler, scarlet woman, cocotte, strumpet, harlot or trollop.  I do not ask men for money.  If others do, that’s fine — it is just not me.  And, there’s a very good reason I feel this way — another blog, another day!

She notices I am not returning her calls.  That I am always busy.  When she asks why, I politely remind her what had been said and how degrading, disgraceful and scandalous, it was.  She has clearly crossed a line even for me who failed to understand the importance of boundaries.

Fool me twice, shame on me!

I missed her tho’.  I missed her making me laugh.  I missed our most intimate conversations.  After several months, I call her.  I had something to tell her and knew it would leave us both in stitches.  We chatted and our daily chat sessions resumed.

I return home from my time away.  You just know when it’s time.  I missed my children; my other sister friends, two of whom I’ll see on the other side and one who was gravely ill.  I need to go home! I was leaving a great job with a great income.  Nevertheless, I still needed to return home (another blog for another day).

I am home, no job but that’s okay. I am highly marketable.  My children are in desperate need of mothering, nurturing and guidance.  I am needed at home!  I soon find a low-paying position.  It’ll do for now but I know that I cannot do this long, and not just because of the money.  This work I can do with one hand tied behind my back, standing on one leg (and possibly blindfolded)!  This girl needs a challenge at work.

While away, I am discovering I can do anything I set my mind to.  I am getting a better sense of who should and should not be a part of my life.  A better sense of me!  Definitely, getting there!

Purely by happenstance, I learn of a challenging, good-paying position in my field but it is the last day for resumes to be received.  My ex-sister friend had to have known about this position given her community involvement.  Mmmmm wonder why she failed to mention it.  How odd.  Even more odd was her response when I asks her about the position.  Her response was a clear indication of her feelings towards me — you will not have a better life than me.  Tho’ these are not her actual words, the message she was conveying was clearly embedded in her response!

This shocking response set off the alarms in my head.  The sirens are blaring, the lights are flashing.  OMG, my friend does not even want me to have decent employment.

Now understand — this was not a position where I would compete with her on any level.  We are in two total different spheres in the world of employment.

You guessed it, I am fooled a third time.  This would be shame on me twice!  

I continue to chat with her — but not so regularly.

I had dismissed a lot over the 20 year friendship.  Who am I to judge.  I dismissed her interest in men who were interested in me.  I wasn’t interested anyway so it did not matter if she went in hot pursuit.  I definitely missed her even considering a relationship with a man she knew was and had been involved with a mutual friend for years.

I dismissed how she oftentimes conveniently navigated the truth.  I even dismissed it when she remarked to me once — there is no absolute right and wrong. It is all subjective! Unh???  But I did not miss it when she did something totally unscrupulous with someone else’s money she had been charged with safekeeping!

It is time to dissolve this friendship. Time to let it go. And, let it go is what I did. It would not be until my recent mess-and-a-half that I realize it was the right thing to do. That blasted self-doubt.

Whatever the relationship — man, woman, child or even animal. If it does not bring you cheer and goodwill, you must let it go.  Without my mess-and-a-half, I would have continued in harmful, malignant relationships with men and so-called sister friends.

Today, I set my clocks forward.  I also set my heart, mind and soul forward.  I will not judge but I will be more discerning with who shares my world.

If you fool me once, the shame is all on you!  We’re done and you are FIRED!

Treat yourselves well, treat yourselves wonderfully. I am!

Out with the old …

In with the new and Improved.  On January 1, 2014 I decided that it was long  past the time for me to move onward and upward and shed the negative energy in my life.  With that decision, I experienced a gamut of emotions.

From despair, disheartenment, distress, anguish and unhappiness. To today’s acceptance, calm, serene, tranquil, self-assured, self-confident, imperturbable, peaceful, placid, steady, sangfroid life where I am enjoying a wonderful presence-of-mind.  Yes, I have returned to my old ebullient, cheerful self!  Only now, some of these adjectives describe my new state-of-mind.  Yes, I am not only back from the depths of my self-imposed misery but I am a new and improved, better me.

I now have the self-esteem that has eluded me most of my life.  I am an immovable, unstoppable  force.  I no longer tolerate nonsense.  Nonsense that I have tolerated most of my adult life.  Not just from guys but also from those masquerading as sister friends.  I am a new ME.

A few years ago, in a conversation with a sister friend, I expressed that for years I had not known me.  Did not have a clue.  No clue of my capabilities. What I should and should not allow in my life?  What was my niche?  What kind of friends should I have and what kind of men should I grant admission to my world?   At the time of the conversation, I was beginning to come into my own, gaining a better sense of me but I was only half-way to where I needed to be.  Who knew it would take a mess-and-a-half to give me the force majeure I needed to be what I was destined to be.  To get me there!

As I sit here with my Bailey’s and coffee (gave up the Gummi Bears for Lent), I realize the source, the root cause of many of my faux pas can be attributed to my childhood.  Because I am in a tranquil place, I will not use this space to denigrate those who could have been better to me, loved me more, and gave me the tools I would need to take me through adulthood.  And, although I was not abused sexually or even emotionally, I could have been treated so much better. As my counselor so aptly phrased it, I deserved so much more.

Only now that the wounds of my mess-and-a-half are pretty much closed and all that is left is a thin mark — a reminder — do I realize I have struggled my entire life to be loved by those who were supposed to love me.  I looked for that love in the wrong places, with the wrong people.  I played roulette with my heart.  Praise to my awesome God for the super terrific counseling I receive.

Those who were charged with guiding me from childhood to adulthood, for whatever reason, were unable to fulfill their prescribed duties.  It’s okay.  I forgive them too! I am certain that had they known better they would have done better.  They did not. So que sera sera!

As I was awakenening from the fog, I realized now that I have been in that fog for most of my adult life.  I worked, married a couple of times, had children and did the best I knew how with the knowledge I had to work with.  I did a fairly decent job of raising my children largely because I was going to be the total opposite of those who had raised me.

My children would always know one truth — I love them with every ounce of my being and would stand beside them during their worse times.  I would admonish them if they were wrong but would not  leave them in their distress. I used to say to them they could guarantee three things in life, the sun would rise, the sun would set and my love for them would always be unconditional and unshakable.  Of course, as with most children they tested it a couple of times!

Aspects of my personality that I have always been lauded for are my determination, will and fighting spirit.  I only discovered recently that I was considerably stronger than even I knew. My counselor told me that one reason I am emerging from my recent mess-and-a-half so well is because of an inner strength, she knew, I possessed. An inner strength that I have always had yet was unaware.  See, everyone has always remarked about my determination, my abilities to forge ahead despite the most difficult of circumstances or situations. I, on the other hand, never saw myself in the same light.

I have always been able to pick up and move on, do what I had to do, despite …. anything! While this last mess-and-a-half tested that strength, determination and will like never before, once again when I decided to get out, to move on, I did just that.  On my worse days, I lamented I am nobody’s victim.  I do not wallow.  My mess-and-a-half even propelled me to greater heights.  I now understand this strength I possess.

A conversation before the mess-and-a-half with a sister friend would have sounded like this:  Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I don’t deserve you or your friendship.

A conversation after the mess-and-a-half with the same sister friend actually went like this: Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I deserve you and your friendship.

During this conversation I even gave her the before and after scenarios.  Of course, we both laughed as she is one of the ones who has always believed in me and was constantly in my ear about what a good-hearted, loving person she knew me to be.

This is what growing sounds like.  It is what moving on sounds like.  It is learning a life lesson. It is loving one’s self.  It is me who has moved on and began a love affair with myself despite my mess-and-a-half!

I realize that I and I alone am charged with loving me!  And, I am up to the task!

I am now dissolving the Negative Committee FOREVER!  It’s Chair has been fired.  It has been replaced with the Positive Committee, whose Chair is EoftheU2014.

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully!