Two of my favorite and comforting things are Bailey’s and Gummi Bears! Before my narcissist, everyone else’s wants and needs came before mine. Whatever my children liked or he liked, I made sure they had it.
Recently I was asked how “can [you] stay in touch with him, after what you went through? Do you have to keep in touch? Or do you want to? And is it part of the letting go? “ I responded and then thought about it late into the evening and most of the day. My answer is simple. I want to be happy. I can only be happy if I have forgiven myself first and him second. Being angry with myself or him would interfere with that happiness. And, I am thinking I may even owe the narcissist a debt of gratitude.
Most men I have known — mine, friends and others — have cheated. Heck, even the President of the United States cheated. So, in some sordid and sick way, I always expected men to do just that — cheat. I told myself it was embedded in their DNA. I had no expectations that they would do anything but … cheat. So, given what I knew about the narcissist who is but a stone’s throw away from my front door, he was doing what I expected men to do … cheat.
Did I think his behavior was over-the-top? Yes, I did. Even then tho’, I just believed he was the worse I had seen. It was not until I began looking for my peace that I discovered he was more than over-the-top, he was flawed, broken, a wounded soul (if he does have one). He is a narcissist!
Then there’s me who before the narcissist never had much self-esteem. Everyone is constantly telling me how smart I am, how amazing I am and that I am attractive. Yet, I did not see myself in quite the same light. When the narcissist entered my world and disrupted my peaceful and uneventful existence, I was not sad but I was not happy either. I was simply trying to figure out my next move. Where would I work? Or, would I start my own business? I was already in a fog before the narcissist and was a sitting duck for his shenanigans.
For three months, I had a ball. He was engaging, fun and kept me laughing all day, every day. And, he was attentive. Then one day out of the clear blue it just all went away! Gone, Poof. In God’s name what just happened. I would spend the next several months trying to reclaim my happiness that I had found with him by any means necessary. My Id was out of control.
I watched him with the others pretty much every single day and was dying inside because I was getting no attention and here he is spending time with everyone else but me! What held me hostage was when I thought he was developing feelings for someone. Despite what the sister friends and counselor were telling silly me, I did not accept that he wouldn’t because he couldn’t. That he did not have the capacity to have feelings for me, for them, for anyone. He had to like her … look how much time he’s spending with her, I thought to myself!
I never expected him to stop his womanizing, at least not for me. I did expect him to continue to make me laugh, to have fun, to spend time together, to share meals. And just like that it was gone! The women were not half as bad on my psyche as the way he would begin to treat me. Ignoring me, being mean-spirited, canceling, unnecessary lying, punishments, etc. etc. That is what drove me to get better, to be better.
The question I have asked myself previously and again last night … did he really mistreat me. Yes and no. I mistreated myself more than he ever could have. I knew what I was getting into given his shenanigans. I knew he did not, could not have much respect for women. Who sleeps with a different female every night? A misogynist, perhaps! (And a narcissist.) No man who respects and adores women would behave in such a callous manner unless he harbors ill-will against women. You know I am right here.
If he had made a pass at me two years ago, I would have laughed in his face. He caught me when I was muddling along and not in a very good place. And my Id took it from there! I am no longer muddling. Thank God for my super ego. It came to the rescue and saved me. I am in a good place, out of the fog.
Why the Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude? I have a fondness for Bailey’s with or without coffee. And, I love Gummi Bears. I always ensured everyone in my life had whatever they wanted or needed, including him — me not so much. As I was coming out of my fog, I began to concentrate on me and my needs more and more. Everyone else’s needs became secondary to mine. Had it not been for the narcissist, I would have continued to provide for everyone else first and foremost. I realize now I should also provide for me — only now, I come first!
I love Phyllis Hyman. One of my favorite songs is I Refuse to be Lonely. I listened to that song every day, all day as I was emerging from my fog, specifically the verse … “I’ve got a right to take care of myself, I realize that I come first before anyone else”.
I found my oldest child an apartment and put him in it. He was too old to be at home any way. I would not allow my youngest child to return home. She was also too old to be living at home. I began to fix up my home to suit me. I bought furniture (after having giving each of them mine).
I am never without my favorites Bailey’s and Gummi Bears. I still may have what others like but I am not sacrificing my needs in the process.
I have expectations now for any man in my life. Either treat me right or move on to the next one. If they all cheat, so be it. Guess I’ll be alone. And, I am okay with that! My narcissist made me realize that I should have expectations. That I should love myself first. He made me realize I am so much better than what I have accepted from him and others before him.
On this blustery, cold and snowy day, I sit here in my living room, sipping on a cup of hot coffee and Bailey’s. My Gummi Bears are on my nightstand as my night-time snack. And, can say to my narcissist with sincerity and Gratitude … Thank You. Thank You for without you, I would have never found me. I have never felt better about myself.
I look at my narcissist as we leave or enter our respective homes and with a smile on my face say “Hey”! I am loving me! Not him! I am forgiven and he is, as well!
Isn’t it comforting to know the simplest and smallest things can mean so much!
Treat yourselves well.