Of course, I enjoy good sex as much as the next girl. But I don’t need it. I am happy when I have it. But I am not unhappy because I don’t! Physical love does not validate me. It obviously seems to validate my narcissist.
Recently we were engaging in one of our bantering discussions when he remarked that I was in love with the sex. I kinda went ballistic. Ok, I did go ballistic. I responded “I do not and have NEVER fallen in love with a man because of sex… A brain YES! Sex, absolutely not.” Is he serious. I am becoming increasingly more insolent. I love a man’s brain! Now that is what turns me on!
Understand this, when I was out-of-my-mind over him, he could have said the same thing and though it was not true not even then, I would not have disputed this untruth. See, what he never knew about me — largely because he is so into himself — I have never been all that sexual. Silly narcissist!
A narcissist will never know you. They will never get to know your likes or dislikes. They will not take notice to what turns you on or turns you off. They are only concerned about themselves. Had he paid the slightest attention, he would have noticed how much I enjoyed the bantering, the laughing and the fun we were having. He would have also noticed, it was not the sex that I enjoyed nearly as much as the companionship he provided. The sex, for me, was the cherry on the sundae — not the freaking sundae, moron. I don’t need sex. Never have. I enjoy it when it is available but don’t yearn for it when it’s not.
Does he really think so little of all women that every woman only wants a man for sex? Of course he does. He has women traipsing in and out of his house every day. This evening, I got the biggest giggle — one who had spent last night left and another arrived five hours later. Wow! Seriously! I would bet a paycheck a good number of them are in it for the sex! And, as long as that many are in it for the sex, why wouldn’t he believe WE all are.
For a couple of days now, I have pondered this discussion. I understand now that he uses physical love to validate, to control. He actually thought he was punishing me taking away the sex. No, you idiot, it was the companionship that you took from me that hurt so deeply. Now that was my punishment!
My weakness has always been smart men with loads of brain power. And, to my failing, a good-looking one! So I thought I had hit pay dirt when I seemingly had found both in one man given the demographics (7 to 1). An intelligent man who can hold a conversation about nearly anything. Hallelujah! And you wonder why the other women did not affect me so much! I was in heaven! Then came hell!
We would talk for hours about politics and the state of the world. We would talk about food, animals, the neighbors, love and life. Why would he be so foolish as to believe it was the sex? With his plethora of women, he has come to believe that is what everyone wants from him. He never realized for one moment that possibly that may not have been me, as well.
What I loved and enjoyed immensely were the text messages throughout the day, all day everyday. I loved the “good mornings honey, baby sweetie” every morning before 6:30 am. I loved the way he made me laugh. He was silly! Once he made me laugh so hard, he had to catch me from falling out of his bed. So, dear narcissist don’t fool yourself — it may have been physical for you but it was not for me.
I even told him at one point, he was just not doing it for me. I was not enjoying it. On one occasion I said “I need a cup or two of passion with my sex. No kissing, no foreplay — that does not work with me.” As you can see, I was emerging from my fog. I am telling him what I think — not what he wants to hear. Of course, I am partly to blame for his outrageous thinking as I made all the funny noises and left him thinking he had rocked my world. But isn’t this just something some of us girls do from time to time. I know I do!
I am emerging from my fog. I am finding my voice and reclaiming my power. My narcissist, “the sex was robotic. And, it didn’t seem like you were enjoying it all that much either.” It was manual, manufactured robotic sex. I could almost tell what move he would make and when. It was always the same in the same place. It was routine! And he thinks I am some sex-crazed woman. Seriously, my narcissist think! If you only knew that if that was all you had to offer me, I would not have been in this mess!
I get it now! According to Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisted, “[n]arcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.” Bingo! I was right, he was not enjoying it. He was working!
On a couple of occasions, I ask to cuddle. His response was hilarious. Yes, I laughed because it was funny. He behaved like Al Bundy. You would have thought I asked for his worldly possessions. He whined. He actually whined! I could not help but laugh.
As I continue on my path to living a full and wonderful life, I realize his life will remain empty and void of true happiness and unconditional love. I will achieve real happiness, the kind of happiness derived from loving one’s self, living a satisfying and fulfilling life, surrounded and loved by people who have depth and substance. I will be spiritually sound and validated through these things — not by empty and robotic sex.
I don’t need sex! I need emotional and spiritual love for my hot fudge sundae with or without the cherry on top.
Treat yourselves wonderfully!