Category Archives: Grieving

Back ‘n forth … back ‘n forth

… for nearly five years with a mess-and-a-half.  I’d leave him alone and somehow, someway after months of ignoring and avoiding him, I would allow him back in my life.  The only difference now then it was 2-1/2 years ago, I did not allow myself to travel to La La Land… over the antics. The antics, blatant disrespect and lack of consideration used to hurt.  I’d want to put my head in a hole or I’d relegate to inside my home, not daring to venture out as I may run into him.  Now … I get angry — outright angry.  And, not just with him, but with myself more.

Throughout the time I’ve been involved with the mess-and-a-half, I was on a mission of self-healing.  I wrote a book. I started this blog. I journaled.  I chatted with friends, a counselor and consulted with a psychic. I did everything I could to get this man out of my system over the last five years.  And, then I reminded myself what a sister friend told me 30 years ago … “when you’re tired, you’re tired and nobody will have to tell you you’re tired because you’ll be tired.”  It is then and only then can you truly walk away. I stopped trying. I waited cause I knew the day would come when I would be tired. It would happen. I knew it would happen. It had to happen.

What is it about me that would give someone carte blanche to disrespect me. To treat me with so little disregard, without compunction.  I needed to make some changes.  What I do know now after nearly five years of back ‘n forth and more back ‘n forth, I could only walk away and stay away when I truly hit bottom, rock bottom.  When I have truly changed me. I needed to change me.  I could no longer sit idly by and accept bad behavior from others for any reason.  It was long past saying it.  It was time for action. I decided to seriously commit to working on my feelings of low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and self-worth, co-dependency and just not feeling good enough. It was time to invoke the change I needed to set myself free.

I’m not talking about being free of the mess-and-a-half.  I’m talking about being free of the ghosts of my past. I’m talking about ridding myself of the childhood that could have been better.  I’m talking about letting it all go and reinventing myself.  Becoming a better version of me.  It was way past time to demand the same respect I willingly gave and not just from the mess-and-a-half but from everyone in my life.  See, I realize it wasn’t just him.  It was a pattern for me.  I had failed to establish healthy boundaries throughout my life.  I had a “kick-me” sign on my back and “sucker” on my forehead.

Sure, if you’ve read this blog from the beginning, you’ll see I’ve said so many times, so many ways that I was free. That I loved myself.  That I was done with the mess-and-a-half. Yet, he was always able to lure me back with a false sense of security.  I was sick of myself! Truly fed up with thinking this was happiness, that this was some version of love.  This was sickening.

The disappointments and disrespect were becoming more frequent.  He had even began to throw in a little verbal/emotional abuse when called out on his nonsense.  Whatever he did or said, whatever unbroken promises he made, it was his expectation that I sit in a corner and not say a word.  Seriously, while the mess-and-a-half does whatever he wants, with whomever he pleases (in my face no less), I am to say nothing. All the while he is the benefactor of my nurturing and loving self.  He could drink all the lemonade he wanted, enjoy great meals including steaks, crab legs and ribs and receive free professional massages anytime he wanted.  His disrespect had gone too far.

Once within 30 minutes of enjoying a crab leg and baked potato meal, he was riding off with someone else. This began to happen more and more after he’d request a meal and a massage, then someone else shared his bed.  You know the bed … the one I vowed never to enter again.  I lied! I always lied when it came to the mess-and-a-half. I lied to him. I lied to my friends. And more importantly, I lied to myself every time I said I was done and was back in it again! The back ‘n forth with this man was never-ending.

OMG … is he trying to use me.  Now that’s just plain silly.  We’re too old for that.  Why would the mess-and-a-half think he could use me and I not notice. There began to be less and less left for me.  Oh sure, I was more than welcomed to the disrespect and disappointments he had to give.  And yes, he’d always want (expect) a hot meal, ice cold lemonade or Bailey’s and coffee on demand. But what do I get?  Nothing, nada, not a crumb or morsel.

Wait a freaking minute, I’ve gotta stop this. I’ve gotta stop this expeditiously, swiftly, promptly, immediately, instantly; quick-fast-in-a-hurry and with-the-quickness! I won’t be used and mistreated any longer. This I cannot allow. Up until then, I really didn’t know how to break the cycle. I had stopped allowing the mess-and-a-half‘s antics to hurt my feelings some time ago. I had begun to feel more anger than hurt anyway. Ah Ha moment … the beginning of my change.

Numerous times since the beginning of this blog I said I was done, done and DONE.  I mean it I’m Done.  Yeah right! Was I really? Nope.  And, while the intensity of our relationship dwindled each time I returned, there would just be enough to keep me falling back in.  Once I began to effectuate various aspects of my change, I stopped saying I was done with him forever.  I stopped saying “never”.  I no longer say I will never be with him again. I don’t know my future and realize he is and probably will always be my weakness. I was in a constant war with myself and my feelings over this man. I embraced my feelings, allowed myself to grieve the relationship. And, just committed to myself that as long as things were as they were, I owed it to myself to let it go. I couldn’t do the increasingly verbal/emotional abuse, the flying off the handle over little things, the disrespect and the lack of consideration and ALL those women.  Hell! I didn’t wanna do it anymore.

I don’t know if the back ‘n  forth is finally over.  But what I do know is this …

I really am treating myself wonderfully now

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Dedicated to the puppy I love…

Today was at the top of the list as one of my saddest days ever.  You know that puppy I walk. The one I mention periodically.  I had to kiss and say goodbye to her this morning.  She was 13 years and truly a joy. I loved that dog and if there had been a way I could have saved her, I would have.  I couldn’t.  So I had to simply let her go. I wept, I cried and am still experiencing momentary weaknesses. But the most grown-up thing I have ever done in my life was to let this sweet, beautiful puppy go. A puppy that I have loved for over a decade.

I was hopeful and prayerful last night and just knew somehow I could get a miracle.  No miracle. I did, however, awaken with one single thought — I had treated her so well. I rescued her from the Humane Society and loved her every single day.  She was faithful and loyal and the epitome of what is genuine, unconditional love.  And, while my favorite thing was the walks we shared, her’s were definitely the rides. She knew when it was the weekend.  And, she knew she was going to ride with me as I took care of my errands even if it took me all day.

I find solace in that last Saturday, I took her on her last ride.

I find solace in that as recently as last week I provided her favorite foods, pork rinds, bologna and cheese.

I find solace in that I remained with her until she fell asleep with my hands on her back.

I find solace in that I was a responsible pet owner and gave her the best life I could.

So I dedicate this page, this day to my beloved sweet puppy.  I will miss her but know in my heart of hearts that I made the right decision at the right time with the information I was given. I could not and would not allow her to suffer. I would not be selfish.  I only wish I had realized we were at the end and I had given her the greatest send-off … a buffet of all of her favorite foods. That will be my only regret as I mourn the loss of my beautiful companion.

Today, I made a difficult decision but I made it. My heart will heal for as with all sad and sorrowful moments in this life time really does heal all wounds.

With a heavy and broken-heart I say Goodbye My Sweet Cocoa Bean!

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