I simply forgot …

who I really am. During my 2+ years of despair, I forgot I had strengths. I forgot to love myself.  So today, while walking my sweet pooch, I thought about those drafts of posts I had started but never finished. They are indicative of my state of mind over the last 2+ years. As I began to trash them, I could not help but think about how I felt when I started each draft.

Sometime I ago, I began to write, I have fallen madly, hopelessly in love … with myself. This was my affirmation when I awoke one morning. Although I told myself this, I did not actually believe it. I was still in anguish, still believing I had committed some major faux pas that ended the fun I was having. I wanted to believe I loved myself enough to end my emotional turmoil. Somehow just saying it made me think I was actually loving myself and this would eliminate my pain. I soon discovered I was still in pain … and it was because I was still not loving myself!

I get it!!!! One of my very close friends was experiencing a life-changing event. She forced herself to say only positive things about herself. She would not allow herself to say one negative word about herself. Not even in the slightest.  For her it became all about the positives… (another trashed draft). She helped me to understand that beating, denigrating and being critical of myself would not help me to heal. It would only keep me in the fog that I desperately wanted to rid myself of.

Was it really Love ….Absolutely Not! Trying to determine if I had foolishly allowed myself to be in love was the impetus of this unfinished draft. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized this was not my problem. My problem was how can I treat someone so well and they treat me with so little regard, with no consideration of my feelings. No quid pro quo. You give the very best of you for companionship, for friendship.  The other person only takes. It was during this time that I began to realize my giving nature had zero business being involved with someone who only takes.

Accepting responsibility … was the most important part of my beginning to heal. Knowing what I knew about the narcissist that I allowed in my world, was my fault. I knew what this person was. I knew this person had multiple lovers. After all, he’s only a stone’s throw away from my front door.  I knew this person. I had watched this mess-and-a-half for over ten years. I knew that he was a womanizer to the nth degree. What I thought was that given our proximity, he would be considerate. He would not tell lies, that I would know were lies. What I thought was that despite his obvious sexual proclivities, he would be a human being, that he would at the very least be a decent person.

I’d rather pull weeds … than to share that bed ever again in this life or the next one, for that matter. When I was approached one morning and asked if I would come over for a little dalliance, my immediate response was I’m pulling weeds from my garden today. Kinda funny isn’t. It was a natural response. You know the kind where you didn’t even think before you spoke. It just came out. All I can say is after all of the inconsideration, the blatant disrespect, there was no way, I would share that bed with him (and the 20 others). No way. After all, I had accepted responsibility for my foolishness.

I had allowed him to fool me once, thinking he was at best a person with some regard for others.  I was clueless about narcissism. Yes, I knew he was a womanizer. But I was not looking for a committed relationship. Companionship, friendship and someone who makes you laugh were good enough for me … I thought. There would be no fooling me a second time. This mess-and-a-half is a shameless human being.  While I accept responsibility for the first fooling, I was placing blame on him as well for both. Who does that? Who goes through life hurting people, intentionally.  A person with no conscience. A narcissist. I cannot wrap my head around someone who behaves like this. I just cannot.

What “no contact” means to me… I began to seriously give some credibility to “no contact“.  After that fateful day in August 2014, I knew it was long past the time for me to let it go. I really just have to …Let it go (another blog being trashed).  I read a sermon online about leaving things that are not good for you. It resonated with me. Spiritually, I knew I was being spoken to by my God. I knew that the only way out of this fog was to let …. this … go.  Leave it! Move on! Do not look back.

He called, I did not answer. He text, I did not respond. I had hit my bottom and I could only go up from here. No Contact begins.

Six days … five partners. Early in my no contact, I noted in six days, he had five women. For some reason, I felt differently than before. This was no unusual behavior for him. What was unusual was the effect it had on me. I saw it for what it really was … repulsive. What in God’s name was I thinking back in December 2012.  I knew this was common behavior for him.  But the effect it had on me this time was what it always should have been.  Repulsion, disgust, abhorrence, repugnance, aversion, distaste. I was getting there!

The better than best feeling … was seeing what the mess-and-a-half for what he really is.  It began to free me. What a difference a year makes (another trashed blog). On January 1, 2015, I was feeling better. I noticed that I no longer cared who was visiting. Seeing him gave me no pangs.  And, for certain, I was beginning to become me again. I really was loving myself — not just telling myself uttering the words.  I realized I had erred in judgment as most humans do at some point in their lives.  What I was not going to do was beat myself up any longer. After all, as a human being he had a responsibility to be a human being, to treat people with kindness and respect. This is not my failing. It is his!  

Seafood night … after trying for a semblance of a friendship, he told me that he missed me, that he missed our seafood nights together. Why shouldn’t he? They were fun. There is nothing like good food and friendship. But wait, in a matter of days, his true colors surfaced.  I knew at that moment, I did not even want his friendship.  So, I put him in his place cursed him out, and on that day, at that very moment I was free, Free at last… Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last (another blog for the trash).

Now, I’m just concentrating on the positives, being grateful for reclaiming myself, my life, not wearing my friends’ ears out with incessant and constant chatter of the mess-and-a-half.

Here I am on this lovely fall day… doing what I love (writing) and ….

Treating myself wonderfully!

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