What I will not be …

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Is anyone’s victim!  Someone posted this to Facebook today, and did it hit home with me. My Narcissist will not and cannot define who I am, who I strive to be and, within the depths of my soul, deserve to be.  He was merely a stepping stone to my path to greatness.  Thank you my Narcissist. I’ve alluded to this gratitude in other posts. Though I still have days where the struggle is not as easy as I would like, it remains comforting to know that I found my peace within me because of him.  I found my niche in life —  my writing.

The ability to express your words in written form is exhilarating, fulfilling, gratifying, self-satisfying, stimulating and uplifting.  I am hopeful that during this journey, I can offer consolation to others who may have shared the experience of Love With a Narcissist.  The pain is real.  It is different.  Doesn’t it sometimes feels like you were kicked in the gut?  Know this, it is temporary. The instinct to survive and live happily saved me.  My intense hatred for feeling badly inspired me to find a measure of peace.

I have always been lauded for having a certain kind of strength.  So imagine everyone’s surprise when I was caught in the clutches of a Narcissist. There were days when I was screaming from the bottom of my lungs. GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS I’VE GOTTEN MYSELF INTO RIGHT FREAKING NOW!!!  My sister friends were nursing me back to my sanity while at the same time acknowledging my pain.  Yes, it took them a minute, but those amazing girls got me closer to sanity.  They were like a pain pill, a relaxer!  I was detoxing from the Narcissist.

Loving a narcissist becomes an addiction much like crack.  Even when you don’t want them anymore, there’s a part of you that works diligently at trying to return the relationship you once enjoyed.  I struggled for seven months trying to recapture the laughter, the companionship, the fun.  I wanted my fun back and let out all the stops trying to reclaim that fun we had shared.

One sister friend described their support as when I was leaning backwards, they were standing behind me, anchoring me to return me to an upright position.  She said that each time I leaned too far backwards, they pushed me upwards.  I know this to be true.  They never abandoned me.  I know that without their love, it would have been even more difficult. Do I have bad days now?  Of course I do.  But they are more moments than bad days and do not overwhelm me.  I can breathe!  When I feel badly about my experience, I reverse my thoughts to how I allowed myself to be treated so poorly.

See, my Narcissist did not and could not, even if he had wanted to, separate me from family and friends.  The sister friends are a bit forceful.  He could have tried ’til the cows came home and yet his efforts would have been fruitless.

One sister friend, who should have her own comedy show, used to joke daily about coming to where we live and molly-wopping him.  When the two women on two separate occasions showed up at my door coincidentally, accidentally and inadvertently (supposedly), she was ready to molly-wop everybody, him included.

In all the years I’ve known this man, as he is my neighbor, people knocking on my door for him had never happened. Then I began the foolishness with him and bam — two visitors in six months! It is important to remember I have watched this man and his shenanigans for years.

Never would I have thought I would have done such a silly thing.  And, this is what made it so difficult for me — forgiving myself. I knew exactly who I was dealing with, just not what.  For 365 days I did not know I was engaging in a relationship with a narcissist.  I just never thought it to be a personality disorder.

What I will not be is bitter, angry and any less-loving than I am.  I will continue to trust people.  Mind you, this has oftentimes been a failing of mine.  My self-esteem was never the greatest.  He comes along and now think I am Queen of the Nile! I could only think clearly and succinctly when I discovered there was nothing wrong with me. That there was something clinical wrong with him.  It became easier and easier for me to forgive myself, recognize my shortcomings, namely how I had allowed myself to indulge in his insanity, and then the healing began.

What I will not be is someone who feels victimized.  Of course, he could have treated me better. That, however, is his cross to bear — Not Mine!  Feeling victimized or a victim will not help me to heal, or to move on.  And, moving on is what I have done.

What I will be is happy, vibrant and enjoying every single day of my new life!

Treat yourselves well.

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One thought on “What I will not be …

  1. luckily for you he was not able to shrink your world where it only involved him. Most sociopath’s, narcissist shrink your world so that he has the control of only your thought, actions etc. ~cheers~

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