Tag Archives: love

Back ‘n forth … back ‘n forth

… for nearly five years with a mess-and-a-half.  I’d leave him alone and somehow, someway after months of ignoring and avoiding him, I would allow him back in my life.  The only difference now and 2-1/2 years ago — I did not allow myself a little trip to La La Land… over the antics. The antics, blatant disrespect and lack of consideration used to hurt.  I’d want to put my head in a hole or I’d relegate to inside my home, not daring to venture out as I may run into him.  Now … I get angry — outright angry.  And, not just with him, but with myself more.

Throughout the time I’ve been involved with the mess-and-a-half, I was on a mission of self-healing.  I wrote a book. I started this blog. I journaled.  I chatted with friends, a counselor and consulted with a psychic. I did everything I could to get this man out of my system over the last five years.  And, then I reminded myself what a sister friend told me 30 years ago … “when you’re tired, you’re tired and nobody will have to tell you you’re tired because you’ll be tired.”  It is then and only then can you truly walk away. I stopped trying. I waited cause I knew the day would come when I would be tired. It would happen. I knew it would happen. It had to happen.

What is it about me that would give someone carte blanche to disrespect me. To treat me with so little disregard, without compunction.  I needed to make some changes.  What I do know now after nearly five years of back ‘n forth and more back ‘n forth, I could only walk away and stay away when I truly hit bottom, rock bottom.  When I have truly changed me. I needed to change me.  I could no longer sit idly by and accept bad behavior from others for any reason.  It was long past saying it.  It was time for action. I decided to seriously commit to working on my feelings of low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and self-worth, co-dependency and just not feeling good enough. It was time to invoke the change I needed to set myself free.

I’m not talking about being free of the mess-and-a-half.  I’m talking about being free of the ghosts of my past. I’m talking about ridding myself of the childhood that could have been better.  I’m talking about letting it all go and reinventing myself.  Becoming a better version of me.  It was way past time to demand the same respect I willingly gave and not just from the mess-and-a-half but from everyone in my life.  See, I realize it wasn’t just him.  It was a pattern for me.  I had failed to establish healthy boundaries throughout my life.  I had a “kick-me” sign on my back and “sucker” on my forehead.

Sure, if you’ve read this blog from the beginning, you’ll see I’ve said so many times, so many ways that I was free. That I loved myself.  That I was done with the mess-and-a-half. Yet, he was always able to lure me back with a false sense of security.  I was sick of myself! Truly fed up with thinking this was happiness, that this was some version of love.  This was sickening.

The disappointments and disrespect were becoming more frequent.  He had even began to throw in a little verbal/emotional abuse when called out on his nonsense.  Whatever he did or said, whatever unbroken promises he made, it was his expectation that I sit in a corner and not say a word.  Seriously, while the mess-and-a-half does whatever he wants, with whomever he pleases (in my face no less), I am to say nothing. All the while he is the benefactor of my nurturing and loving self.  He could drink all the lemonade he wanted, enjoy great meals including steaks, crab legs and ribs and receive free professional massages anytime he wanted.  His disrespect had gone too far.

Once within 30 minutes of enjoying a crab leg and baked potato meal, he was riding off with someone else. This began to happen more and more after he’d request a meal and a massage, then someone else shared his bed.  You know the bed … the one I vowed never to enter again.  I lied! I always lied when it came to the mess-and-a-half. I lied to him. I lied to my friends. And more importantly, I lied to myself every time I said I was done and was back in it again! The back ‘n forth with this man was never-ending.

OMG … is he trying to use me.  Now that’s just plain silly.  We’re too old for that.  Why would the mess-and-a-half think he could use me and I not notice. There began to be less and less left for me.  Oh sure, I was more than welcomed to the disrespect and disappointments he had to give.  And yes, he’d always want (expect) a hot meal, ice cold lemonade or Bailey’s and coffee on demand. But what do I get?  Nothing, nada, not a crumb or morsel.

Wait a freaking minute, I’ve gotta stop this. I’ve gotta stop this swiftly, promptly, immediately, instantly, quick-fast-in-a-hurry and with-the-quickness! I won’t be used and mistreated any longer. This I cannot allow. Until then, I really didn’t know how to break the cycle. I had stopped allowing the mess-and-a-half‘s antics to hurt my feelings some time ago. I had begun to feel more anger than hurt anyway. Ah Ha moment … the beginning of my change.

Numerous times since the beginning of this blog I said I was done, done and DONE.  I mean it I’m Done.  Yeah right! Was I really? Nope.  And, while the intensity of our relationship dwindled each time I returned, there would just be enough to keep me falling back in.  Once I began to effectuate various aspects of my change, I stopped saying I was done with him forever.  I stopped saying “never”.  I no longer say I will never be with him again. I don’t know my future and realize he is and probably will always be my weakness. I was in a constant war with myself and my feelings over this man. I embraced my feelings, allowed myself to grieve the relationship. And, just committed to myself that as long as things were as they were, I owed it to myself to let it go. I couldn’t do the increasingly verbal/emotional abuse, the flying off the handle over little things, the disrespect, the lack of consideration and ALL those women.  Hell! I didn’t wanna do it anymore.

I don’t know if the back ‘n  forth is finally over.  But what I do know is this …

I really am treating myself wonderfully now

Advertisements

Things that make you go Mmmmm….. Trinity Men!

A couple days ago I read a news story about a couple married for 59 years who died holding hands.  That story hit me firmly in my little ol’ heart.  It hit me so hard, I am still thinking about it.  When I first read it, I couldn’t wait to meet up with my newest sister friend/neighbor to do a little community cleanup. Those dreaded weeds!  Anyway, I desperately needed to engage her in the discussion … What makes a good husband, good father and good man?  As soon as I read the story, I was overwhelmed with emotion and that question:  What does makes a good husband, good father and good man?  How does this happen?

Okay you’ve probably read the story and now wondering what about it propelled me into such a deep, thought provoking state of mind.  I’ll tell you … it was one little sentence  … “The first question he had every day was ‘What’s going on with my wife?’’’. WOW!  For all of their years together, the ups and downs, still after 59 years, despite his own illness, his first thought every day on his deathbed was still devoted to the woman he decided long ago would be the one he’d love for all eternity.  He was a Trinity Man!

I told my sister friend/neighbor about the story and then in the midst of pulling those blasted (and painful) thistle weeds, the two of us are trying to solve this mystery.  How do men become the trinity … good husband, father and man?  What are the ingredients? What did their parents do?  What didn’t their parents do? Is it serendipity?  Is it planned or unplanned?  How does this happen! I wanna know.

Despite marriages, affairs, relationships, I can honestly say I never found myself a Trinity Man.  Sure he may have possessed some of the attributes that made him a good one of the three but there have been no Trinity Men.

Since reading that story, I’ve been like well hell where’s my Trinity Man been all my life.  I’ve kissed one too many frogs.  And only one frog in my whole life may have even come close to being a Trinity Man.  I want one just like the one in the story. I’m sure he wasn’t perfect and neither was she.  I’m not even caring about their arguments and whatever else they may have experienced in 59 years.  I am, however, loving the commitment to stay together til the very end and then afterwards.  That says a lot to me. That tells me ol’ girl got herself a Trinity Man. And, she made it work!

I have friends whose marriage I have viewed from the outside for years. They’ve been married for 50 years.  While I’m certain they’ve had ups, downs and that stuff in between, I’m certain he is a Trinity Man.  One day, I heard her Trinity Man say he had to go to the market because his “baby” was coming home for a visit.  That “baby” was 30 something, living on her own in another state.  And, that “baby” talks about her “daddy” like he is the King of Kings.  A Trinity Man!

One day while sitting in my car in front of their home talking to the both of them, my friend heard my car door squeak. She turned to her Trinity Man and asked him to oil my door. What did he do?  Yep, he retrieved that oil from their garage and oiled my car door. This is her Trinity Man.  Watching the two of them in their home, cooking large meals together gives me the warm fuzzy every single time I witness it!

Call me the ultimate romantic … I’m okay with that.  I just wanna know what were these men taught?  What did they observe in their households? Somebody please tell me what made them Trinity Men.

After reading the story, I feared that I may have failed in creating a Trinity Man for some worthy woman.  I pray that I am wrong but you just never know.  How proud must be the mothers of Trinity Men. It has to be the bestest feeling to watch your son, taking care of his wife, his children and their home.  It has to give you a tingly feeling all in your toes to watch your son value his wife, his children and their home.

My friend said it without even realizing she had solved the mystery … it’s about valuing.  When you value someone, you work to ensure they are safe, they are happy, their needs are met and their worries are minimized.  When you value someone your first question of every day is ‘what’s going on with my wife?’

My love, respect and admiration to all the Trinity Men.

For me, I’m just continuing to treat myself wonderfully every single day.

I simply forgot …

who I really am. During my 2+ years of despair, I forgot I had strengths. I forgot to love myself.  So today, while walking my sweet pooch, I thought about those drafts of posts I had started but never finished. They are indicative of my state of mind over the last 2+ years. As I began to trash them, I could not help but think about how I felt when I started each draft.

Sometime I ago, I began to write, I have fallen madly, hopelessly in love … with myself. This was my affirmation when I awoke one morning. Although I told myself this, I did not actually believe it. I was still in anguish, still believing I had committed some major faux pas that ended the fun I was having. I wanted to believe I loved myself enough to end my emotional turmoil. Somehow just saying it made me think I was actually loving myself and this would eliminate my pain. I soon discovered I was still in pain … and it was because I was still not loving myself!

I get it!!!! One of my very close friends was experiencing a life-changing event. She forced herself to say only positive things about herself. She would not allow herself to say one negative word about herself. Not even in the slightest.  For her it became all about the positives… (another trashed draft). She helped me to understand that beating, denigrating and being critical of myself would not help me to heal. It would only keep me in the fog that I desperately wanted to rid myself of.

Was it really Love ….Absolutely Not! Trying to determine if I had foolishly allowed myself to be in love was the impetus of this unfinished draft. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized this was not my problem. My problem was how can I treat someone so well and they treat me with so little regard, with no consideration of my feelings. No quid pro quo. You give the very best of you for companionship, for friendship.  The other person only takes. It was during this time that I began to realize my giving nature had zero business being involved with someone who only takes.

Accepting responsibility … was the most important part of my beginning to heal. Knowing what I knew about the narcissist that I allowed in my world, was my fault. I knew what this person was. I knew this person had multiple lovers. After all, he’s only a stone’s throw away from my front door.  I knew this person. I had watched this mess-and-a-half for over ten years. I knew that he was a womanizer to the nth degree. What I thought was that given our proximity, he would be considerate. He would not tell lies, that I would know were lies. What I thought was that despite his obvious sexual proclivities, he would be a human being, that he would at the very least be a decent person.

I’d rather pull weeds … than to share that bed ever again in this life or the next one, for that matter. When I was approached one morning and asked if I would come over for a little dalliance, my immediate response was I’m pulling weeds from my garden today. Kinda funny isn’t. It was a natural response. You know the kind where you didn’t even think before you spoke. It just came out. All I can say is after all of the inconsideration, the blatant disrespect, there was no way, I would share that bed with him (and the 20 others). No way. After all, I had accepted responsibility for my foolishness.

I had allowed him to fool me once, thinking he was at best a person with some regard for others.  I was clueless about narcissism. Yes, I knew he was a womanizer. But I was not looking for a committed relationship. Companionship, friendship and someone who makes you laugh were good enough for me … I thought. There would be no fooling me a second time. This mess-and-a-half is a shameless human being.  While I accept responsibility for the first fooling, I was placing blame on him as well for both. Who does that? Who goes through life hurting people, intentionally.  A person with no conscience. A narcissist. I cannot wrap my head around someone who behaves like this. I just cannot.

What “no contact” means to me… I began to seriously give some credibility to “no contact“.  After that fateful day in August 2014, I knew it was long past the time for me to let it go. I really just have to …Let it go (another blog being trashed).  I read a sermon online about leaving things that are not good for you. It resonated with me. Spiritually, I knew I was being spoken to by my God. I knew that the only way out of this fog was to let …. this … go.  Leave it! Move on! Do not look back.

He called, I did not answer. He text, I did not respond. I had hit my bottom and I could only go up from here. No Contact begins.

Six days … five partners. Early in my no contact, I noted in six days, he had five women. For some reason, I felt differently than before. This was no unusual behavior for him. What was unusual was the effect it had on me. I saw it for what it really was … repulsive. What in God’s name was I thinking back in December 2012.  I knew this was common behavior for him.  But the effect it had on me this time was what it always should have been.  Repulsion, disgust, abhorrence, repugnance, aversion, distaste. I was getting there!

The better than best feeling … was seeing what the mess-and-a-half for what he really is.  It began to free me. What a difference a year makes (another trashed blog). On January 1, 2015, I was feeling better. I noticed that I no longer cared who was visiting. Seeing him gave me no pangs.  And, for certain, I was beginning to become me again. I really was loving myself — not just telling myself uttering the words.  I realized I had erred in judgment as most humans do at some point in their lives.  What I was not going to do was beat myself up any longer. After all, as a human being he had a responsibility to be a human being, to treat people with kindness and respect. This is not my failing. It is his!  

Seafood night … after trying for a semblance of a friendship, he told me that he missed me, that he missed our seafood nights together. Why shouldn’t he? They were fun. There is nothing like good food and friendship. But wait, in a matter of days, his true colors surfaced.  I knew at that moment, I did not even want his friendship.  So, I put him in his place cursed him out, and on that day, at that very moment I was free, Free at last… Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last (another blog for the trash).

Now, I’m just concentrating on the positives, being grateful for reclaiming myself, my life, not wearing my friends’ ears out with incessant and constant chatter of the mess-and-a-half.

Here I am on this lovely fall day… doing what I love (writing) and ….

Treating myself wonderfully!

Put your trash in the garbage …

download (1)

and take it to the curb. What else would you do with it. That is all that can be done with trash. Sit it at the curb, wait for the waste management company to pick it up and deliver it to the landfill.  That is where trash belongs and that is where I sent mine yesterday.  Keeping trash in your home is hazardous to your health.  It infects your home with its rancid, foul odor. It can even make you ill.  It causes pests. And, no one will want to visit a home where nasty, stinky trash is kept inside.  There is every reason to remove trash from your home regularly and no reason to keep it inside. So don’t!

Thursday morning is trash day where I live. Yesterday, I sat my trash can at the curb with its week’s worth of garbage inside.  On top of the trash can containing the garbage I had amassed over the past week, I sat the mess-and-a-half and all of his foolishness.  After nine months of full-blown No Contact and the last five months of trying to be neighborly, trying to be a friend, trying to have a semblance of what we had shared — the laughter, food, drink, I just could not do it. I did not want to do it.

The man is too flawed, too broken and is seriously 50 shades of screwed up. I decided on Thursday, October 29th, this is trash. Trash should be thrown out. At the moment I threw out my trash, I felt better than I have in over two years. I felt healed. I felt rejuvenated. And, in the words of the great James Brown, I Feel Good!

I won’t lie to myself or to you, I ended No Contact with him on my own terms hoping that at the very least a friendship would be achievable. I was no longer interested in any romantic attachment.  Just a friendship with laughter and fun. He is funny. I enjoyed feeding him.  He enjoys food.  But, this time, it was not the same.  I just wasn’t feeling it, wasn’t feeling him. I had no problem saying no most days. I only cooked IF I wanted to … not because he asked. He asked often. I had no problem not talking or texting with him for days on end. His antics no longer phased me. I was different. I felt different. I realized I was trying to like a person that is simply unlikable.

Of course, he just had to go and say something totally stupid, something ridiculous, something disrespectful.  Before No Contact, I would have let it go. i would have sulked, looked beyond his nonsense, the insanity. This time, however, before I knew it, before I could even catch myself, I gave him the tongue lashing he deserved. After my insult-laced tirade, I felt better than I had since I began this silliness with a mess-and-a-half. I called him a misogynistic, nasty, womanizing $%@#.  I called him a rotten you-know-what.  It felt good just writing it. After all why mince words. He doesn’t.

And, since what he said that sent me straight to La La Land was via text, it was only befitting that I hurl my insults using the same medium. I could not help myself. I unleashed every emotional thought I had held onto for over two years at him. Before i knew it, I was in La La Land and this time was glad to be there. I was not hurting, not bereft. I was unleashing my wrath on a pathetic narcissist who believes he has carte blanche to insult, hurt, abuse and mistreat others.

Okay friends, I’ll say it … I cursed him out! There, I said it. I cursed him out, and it felt sooooo good! I know some of you are thinking why would I bother.  To that I say why would I not bother. I did it for me! Do I care if it reverberated. Nope. I only care that I said it. I finally said it. I said what needed to be said to someone who had been mean, inconsiderate and a jerk of a human being to me since April 2013.  I no longer felt the need or even had the desire to be dutiful and respectful of someone else’s feelings who believed I deserve much less. When I cursed him out, it freed me! Yup, I’m free of the insanity that I had allowed to control my life for over two years.

When I sat my trash can at the curb yesterday morning, I sat him and his foolishness on top of that can — metaphorically, of course. It felt good. I felt really good.  Thank you God, I was back! I was done. And, this time it was for real. It was effortless. I wasn’t trying to forget about him. I FORGOT about him. I wasn’t trying to move on. I MOVED ON! It was done.

My tirade has been the greatest source of amusement I and my sister-friends have enjoyed in quite awhile.  In fact, one welcomed me back to my reality. To who I really am as an individual.  To the no-nonsense person I am that in my right mind would have never tolerated such blatant mistreatment, abuse from anyone ever. I have divorced husbands for less!

So to those of you who have trash in your home, throw it out. Remove it immediately.  You don’t need it. You’re not supposed to have it anyway. Now that you’ve gotten rid of that nasty, rancid, foul trash …

Be Happy! Love Yourself! It is way past the time for you to be Treating Yourself Wonderfully!

60, 49, 39

Last Tuesday, I turned 60 years old.  The big 60, 6-0! I wanted to shut myself in a room and scream — how in the world did this happen.  I don’t want to be 60. I want to be 49 or even 39.  Definitely, not 60. I am not interested in the alternative either! Not one bit. So, I guess I will embrace my 60 and move right along.

As I sit here and review my life, my mistakes, my successes, my hopes and my dreams, one thing is certain, the last year became the year that I would come into my own. It is the year that I would discover my true passion.  It is to write.  It is the year, I would establish healthy boundaries.  And, it is the year that caused me to decide I would make changes.

To begin, I invoke the 12 Steps for Self Care.

12 Steps for Self Care

I invoke self-esteem. I invoke self-confidence. I invoke self-respect. I invoke a peacefulness within me that transcends negativity and drama.  I invoke love.  I invoke discernment.  I invoke positive and loving thoughts.

I invoke relationships that are kind and loving. I invoke happiness and laughter. I invoke all that is good and wonderful.  I invoke the continued love of my friends. I invoke a life filled with the promise of all that God has in store for me. I invoke success and prosperity.

I invoke my children will live full lives filled with happiness and enjoyment.

As I enter this new decade in my life, I decide what is right for me and will hold onto it. I, and I along, will decide that which is wrong and leave it.  I will, without hesitation, eliminate anything or anyone from my life that doesn’t feel right, that is disquieting to my spirit.

I abandon what has ill served me in the past. I abandon relationships with the emotionally unavailable. I abandon casual sex — sex without commitment or monogamy. I abandon negativity and drama. I abandon those that make me doubt myself.

I abandon the following words in any future posts:  narcissist, misogynist, womanizer, sociopath, psychopath or any words or references that gave birth to this blog.  That is the past. I abandon that past.  It is but one tiny aspect of my otherwise full and wonderful life. I abandon all vexations.

I abandon any conversations with the sister friends about the past year.  I abandon any efforts for that one experience to define me or cause me another minute of discomfort.  I am breathing fresh air.

I will love myself. I have closed a chapter in my life and am now writing a new one which will be filled with the love and goodness for which I was placed on this earth. I may not be able to turn back the clock and be 49 or 39. But I will be 60 and proud of it. I will be 60 knowing that I have yet another opportunity to improve myself and do things a little differently.

I will be 60 and Happy and In Love With Me. I will say goodbye to my 50s with some sadness but knowing that I am a better me. I am 60. I am 60 and have emerged from the fog.

I will treat myself better than well, I will treat myself wonderfully with the one caveat that others will also treat me well.

Treat yourselves wonderfully every single day!

I chose to be happy in love …

with ME!  Yes, me!  I reached inside myself and extracted every bit of will, strength, determination and whatever else was hidden inside me to feel better. I began a real love affair.  This time with someone who I knew had learned her lesson and would treat me well. Treat me wonderfully.  That person would be me.

I have chosen to be happy in love with me, taking a long, hard look at myself.  I now believe that I am attractive and smart too.  I am a bona fide, genuine, veritable, honest-to-goodness, sho’ nuff Winner (with a capital “W”).

I am letting go all those negative thoughts about myself and replacing them with new and improved loving thoughts of me!  I had dinner with a friend last week. We were talking about my blog and she remarked that it all seemed to focus around the mess-and-a-half.  I told her how coincidental that she mentioned that as I had decided to turn it around and change the focus.  Now, it is about me.  All about me.

I chose to be happy in love with my world that is now a work-in-progress.  I chose to renew my love and commitment to my children. I chose to love them for the people they are, for the people I raised them to be and for the love they each have given me.  I chose to be happy in love with the children who are the Greatest Loves of my life!

I chose to be happy in love with the sister (and brother) friends who have supported me emotionally through the years.  The friends who believed in me when I was struggling with who I am and what should I be doing with myself, my life.  I chose to be happy in love with the friends who continued to believe in me when I was Chair of the Negative Committee.  That committee tried to set up headquarters in my head, inside my heart. I shut it down!

I chose to be happy in love with my baby sister. The relationship has had its ups-and-downs but one thing I have discovered is — it too is an unconditional, unshakeable love.  Why question the authenticity of that love?  When someone expresses their love for you in a public forum, you can only receive it and say yep, she loves me.  All is forgiven.  We forge ahead.

I chose to be happy in love with my home, tending to it, repairing and making it a beautiful home. Of course, I chose to continue to be happy and in love with my pet companions — that’s a given.  I chose to take care of myself and provide for my wants and needs, including my Bailey’s and Gummi Bears before I even think of everyone else’s! I come first!

I saw, I conquered and I persevered through some of life’s greatest challenges.  I choose to be happy in love with my mistakes and all the parts of me that comprise the quintessential me — a wonderfully, bright, smart and attractive woman who can take on the toughest obstacle and emerge from it like the mythological phoenix standing erect with her head held high.  I have chosen to be happy in love with my best friend in my great and wonderful world — ME!

I choose to be happy in love with me inspite of and despite my shortcomings, longcomings, idiosyncrasies or whatever.  Everybody has some.

Thank you esteemology.com for my 2014 Affirmation:  I am unapologetically, fiercely, authentically ME. This is all I have to be. It is all I will ever need to be. I was born good enough. It is my birthright. This is the next step in my global, spiritual awakening. I have embraced my uniqueness and am being happy and joyful, living an authentic life.  I chose to be happy in love with me!

I chose to be happy in love with me, living a life that is better and more fulfilling, satisfying — a life I deserve.  I choose to have only peace and love in my life.  I choose to remove those friendships that are toxic, unhealthy, and which fail to add value to my world.  I choose to be more discerning in my relationships.

I chose to be happy in love with my God and his Saving Grace that has allowed me the strength to persevere, to forge ahead.  My God is an awesome God!

I chose to be happy in love by setting 2014 goals for myself — attainable goals.

I chose to be happy in love with me, treating myself not just well but wonderfully!

You should do the same!

Out with the old …

In with the new and Improved.  On January 1, 2014 I decided that it was long  past the time for me to move onward and upward and shed the negative energy in my life.  With that decision, I experienced a gamut of emotions.

From despair, disheartenment, distress, anguish and unhappiness. To today’s acceptance, calm, serene, tranquil, self-assured, self-confident, imperturbable, peaceful, placid, steady, sangfroid life where I am enjoying a wonderful presence-of-mind.  Yes, I have returned to my old ebullient, cheerful self!  Only now, some of these adjectives describe my new state-of-mind.  Yes, I am not only back from the depths of my self-imposed misery but I am a new and improved, better me.

I now have the self-esteem that has eluded me most of my life.  I am an immovable, unstoppable  force.  I no longer tolerate nonsense.  Nonsense that I have tolerated most of my adult life.  Not just from guys but also from those masquerading as sister friends.  I am a new ME.

A few years ago, in a conversation with a sister friend, I expressed that for years I had not known me.  Did not have a clue.  No clue of my capabilities. What I should and should not allow in my life?  What was my niche?  What kind of friends should I have and what kind of men should I grant admission to my world?   At the time of the conversation, I was beginning to come into my own, gaining a better sense of me but I was only half-way to where I needed to be.  Who knew it would take a mess-and-a-half to give me the force majeure I needed to be what I was destined to be.  To get me there!

As I sit here with my Bailey’s and coffee (gave up the Gummi Bears for Lent), I realize the source, the root cause of many of my faux pas can be attributed to my childhood.  Because I am in a tranquil place, I will not use this space to denigrate those who could have been better to me, loved me more, and gave me the tools I would need to take me through adulthood.  And, although I was not abused sexually or even emotionally, I could have been treated so much better. As my counselor so aptly phrased it, I deserved so much more.

Only now that the wounds of my mess-and-a-half are pretty much closed and all that is left is a thin mark — a reminder — do I realize I have struggled my entire life to be loved by those who were supposed to love me.  I looked for that love in the wrong places, with the wrong people.  I played roulette with my heart.  Praise to my awesome God for the super terrific counseling I receive.

Those who were charged with guiding me from childhood to adulthood, for whatever reason, were unable to fulfill their prescribed duties.  It’s okay.  I forgive them too! I am certain that had they known better they would have done better.  They did not. So que sera sera!

As I was awakenening from the fog, I realized now that I have been in that fog for most of my adult life.  I worked, married a couple of times, had children and did the best I knew how with the knowledge I had to work with.  I did a fairly decent job of raising my children largely because I was going to be the total opposite of those who had raised me.

My children would always know one truth — I love them with every ounce of my being and would stand beside them during their worse times.  I would admonish them if they were wrong but would not  leave them in their distress. I used to say to them they could guarantee three things in life, the sun would rise, the sun would set and my love for them would always be unconditional and unshakable.  Of course, as with most children they tested it a couple of times!

Aspects of my personality that I have always been lauded for are my determination, will and fighting spirit.  I only discovered recently that I was considerably stronger than even I knew. My counselor told me that one reason I am emerging from my recent mess-and-a-half so well is because of an inner strength, she knew, I possessed. An inner strength that I have always had yet was unaware.  See, everyone has always remarked about my determination, my abilities to forge ahead despite the most difficult of circumstances or situations. I, on the other hand, never saw myself in the same light.

I have always been able to pick up and move on, do what I had to do, despite …. anything! While this last mess-and-a-half tested that strength, determination and will like never before, once again when I decided to get out, to move on, I did just that.  On my worse days, I lamented I am nobody’s victim.  I do not wallow.  My mess-and-a-half even propelled me to greater heights.  I now understand this strength I possess.

A conversation before the mess-and-a-half with a sister friend would have sounded like this:  Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I don’t deserve you or your friendship.

A conversation after the mess-and-a-half with the same sister friend actually went like this: Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I deserve you and your friendship.

During this conversation I even gave her the before and after scenarios.  Of course, we both laughed as she is one of the ones who has always believed in me and was constantly in my ear about what a good-hearted, loving person she knew me to be.

This is what growing sounds like.  It is what moving on sounds like.  It is learning a life lesson. It is loving one’s self.  It is me who has moved on and began a love affair with myself despite my mess-and-a-half!

I realize that I and I alone am charged with loving me!  And, I am up to the task!

I am now dissolving the Negative Committee FOREVER!  It’s Chair has been fired.  It has been replaced with the Positive Committee, whose Chair is EoftheU2014.

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully!