Tag Archives: personality disorder

I simply forgot …

who I really am. During my 2+ years of despair, I forgot I had strengths. I forgot to love myself.  So today, while walking my sweet pooch, I thought about those drafts of posts I had started but never finished. They are indicative of my state of mind over the last 2+ years. As I began to trash them, I could not help but think about how I felt when I started each draft.

Sometime I ago, I began to write, I have fallen madly, hopelessly in love … with myself. This was my affirmation when I awoke one morning. Although I told myself this, I did not actually believe it. I was still in anguish, still believing I had committed some major faux pas that ended the fun I was having. I wanted to believe I loved myself enough to end my emotional turmoil. Somehow just saying it made me think I was actually loving myself and this would eliminate my pain. I soon discovered I was still in pain … and it was because I was still not loving myself!

I get it!!!! One of my very close friends was experiencing a life-changing event. She forced herself to say only positive things about herself. She would not allow herself to say one negative word about herself. Not even in the slightest.  For her it became all about the positives… (another trashed draft). She helped me to understand that beating, denigrating and being critical of myself would not help me to heal. It would only keep me in the fog that I desperately wanted to rid myself of.

Was it really Love ….Absolutely Not! Trying to determine if I had foolishly allowed myself to be in love was the impetus of this unfinished draft. After a lot of soul-searching, I realized this was not my problem. My problem was how can I treat someone so well and they treat me with so little regard, with no consideration of my feelings. No quid pro quo. You give the very best of you for companionship, for friendship.  The other person only takes. It was during this time that I began to realize my giving nature had zero business being involved with someone who only takes.

Accepting responsibility … was the most important part of my beginning to heal. Knowing what I knew about the narcissist that I allowed in my world, was my fault. I knew what this person was. I knew this person had multiple lovers. After all, he’s only a stone’s throw away from my front door.  I knew this person. I had watched this mess-and-a-half for over ten years. I knew that he was a womanizer to the nth degree. What I thought was that given our proximity, he would be considerate. He would not tell lies, that I would know were lies. What I thought was that despite his obvious sexual proclivities, he would be a human being, that he would at the very least be a decent person.

I’d rather pull weeds … than to share that bed ever again in this life or the next one, for that matter. When I was approached one morning and asked if I would come over for a little dalliance, my immediate response was I’m pulling weeds from my garden today. Kinda funny isn’t. It was a natural response. You know the kind where you didn’t even think before you spoke. It just came out. All I can say is after all of the inconsideration, the blatant disrespect, there was no way, I would share that bed with him (and the 20 others). No way. After all, I had accepted responsibility for my foolishness.

I had allowed him to fool me once, thinking he was at best a person with some regard for others.  I was clueless about narcissism. Yes, I knew he was a womanizer. But I was not looking for a committed relationship. Companionship, friendship and someone who makes you laugh were good enough for me … I thought. There would be no fooling me a second time. This mess-and-a-half is a shameless human being.  While I accept responsibility for the first fooling, I was placing blame on him as well for both. Who does that? Who goes through life hurting people, intentionally.  A person with no conscience. A narcissist. I cannot wrap my head around someone who behaves like this. I just cannot.

What “no contact” means to me… I began to seriously give some credibility to “no contact“.  After that fateful day in August 2014, I knew it was long past the time for me to let it go. I really just have to …Let it go (another blog being trashed).  I read a sermon online about leaving things that are not good for you. It resonated with me. Spiritually, I knew I was being spoken to by my God. I knew that the only way out of this fog was to let …. this … go.  Leave it! Move on! Do not look back.

He called, I did not answer. He text, I did not respond. I had hit my bottom and I could only go up from here. No Contact begins.

Six days … five partners. Early in my no contact, I noted in six days, he had five women. For some reason, I felt differently than before. This was no unusual behavior for him. What was unusual was the effect it had on me. I saw it for what it really was … repulsive. What in God’s name was I thinking back in December 2012.  I knew this was common behavior for him.  But the effect it had on me this time was what it always should have been.  Repulsion, disgust, abhorrence, repugnance, aversion, distaste. I was getting there!

The better than best feeling … was seeing what the mess-and-a-half for what he really is.  It began to free me. What a difference a year makes (another trashed blog). On January 1, 2015, I was feeling better. I noticed that I no longer cared who was visiting. Seeing him gave me no pangs.  And, for certain, I was beginning to become me again. I really was loving myself — not just telling myself uttering the words.  I realized I had erred in judgment as most humans do at some point in their lives.  What I was not going to do was beat myself up any longer. After all, as a human being he had a responsibility to be a human being, to treat people with kindness and respect. This is not my failing. It is his!  

Seafood night … after trying for a semblance of a friendship, he told me that he missed me, that he missed our seafood nights together. Why shouldn’t he? They were fun. There is nothing like good food and friendship. But wait, in a matter of days, his true colors surfaced.  I knew at that moment, I did not even want his friendship.  So, I put him in his place cursed him out, and on that day, at that very moment I was free, Free at last… Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last (another blog for the trash).

Now, I’m just concentrating on the positives, being grateful for reclaiming myself, my life, not wearing my friends’ ears out with incessant and constant chatter of the mess-and-a-half.

Here I am on this lovely fall day… doing what I love (writing) and ….

Treating myself wonderfully!

Put your trash in the garbage …

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and take it to the curb. What else would you do with it. That is all that can be done with trash. Sit it at the curb, wait for the waste management company to pick it up and deliver it to the landfill.  That is where trash belongs and that is where I sent mine yesterday.  Keeping trash in your home is hazardous to your health.  It infects your home with its rancid, foul odor. It can even make you ill.  It causes pests. And, no one will want to visit a home where nasty, stinky trash is kept inside.  There is every reason to remove trash from your home regularly and no reason to keep it inside. So don’t!

Thursday morning is trash day where I live. Yesterday, I sat my trash can at the curb with its week’s worth of garbage inside.  On top of the trash can containing the garbage I had amassed over the past week, I sat the mess-and-a-half and all of his foolishness.  After nine months of full-blown No Contact and the last five months of trying to be neighborly, trying to be a friend, trying to have a semblance of what we had shared — the laughter, food, drink, I just could not do it. I did not want to do it.

The man is too flawed, too broken and is seriously 50 shades of screwed up. I decided on Thursday, October 29th, this is trash. Trash should be thrown out. At the moment I threw out my trash, I felt better than I have in over two years. I felt healed. I felt rejuvenated. And, in the words of the great James Brown, I Feel Good!

I won’t lie to myself or to you, I ended No Contact with him on my own terms hoping that at the very least a friendship would be achievable. I was no longer interested in any romantic attachment.  Just a friendship with laughter and fun. He is funny. I enjoyed feeding him.  He enjoys food.  But, this time, it was not the same.  I just wasn’t feeling it, wasn’t feeling him. I had no problem saying no most days. I only cooked IF I wanted to … not because he asked. He asked often. I had no problem not talking or texting with him for days on end. His antics no longer phased me. I was different. I felt different. I realized I was trying to like a person that is simply unlikable.

Of course, he just had to go and say something totally stupid, something ridiculous, something disrespectful.  Before No Contact, I would have let it go. i would have sulked, looked beyond his nonsense, the insanity. This time, however, before I knew it, before I could even catch myself, I gave him the tongue lashing he deserved. After my insult-laced tirade, I felt better than I had since I began this silliness with a mess-and-a-half. I called him a misogynistic, nasty, womanizing $%@#.  I called him a rotten you-know-what.  It felt good just writing it. After all why mince words. He doesn’t.

And, since what he said that sent me straight to La La Land was via text, it was only befitting that I hurl my insults using the same medium. I could not help myself. I unleashed every emotional thought I had held onto for over two years at him. Before i knew it, I was in La La Land and this time was glad to be there. I was not hurting, not bereft. I was unleashing my wrath on a pathetic narcissist who believes he has carte blanche to insult, hurt, abuse and mistreat others.

Okay friends, I’ll say it … I cursed him out! There, I said it. I cursed him out, and it felt sooooo good! I know some of you are thinking why would I bother.  To that I say why would I not bother. I did it for me! Do I care if it reverberated. Nope. I only care that I said it. I finally said it. I said what needed to be said to someone who had been mean, inconsiderate and a jerk of a human being to me since April 2013.  I no longer felt the need or even had the desire to be dutiful and respectful of someone else’s feelings who believed I deserve much less. When I cursed him out, it freed me! Yup, I’m free of the insanity that I had allowed to control my life for over two years.

When I sat my trash can at the curb yesterday morning, I sat him and his foolishness on top of that can — metaphorically, of course. It felt good. I felt really good.  Thank you God, I was back! I was done. And, this time it was for real. It was effortless. I wasn’t trying to forget about him. I FORGOT about him. I wasn’t trying to move on. I MOVED ON! It was done.

My tirade has been the greatest source of amusement I and my sister-friends have enjoyed in quite awhile.  In fact, one welcomed me back to my reality. To who I really am as an individual.  To the no-nonsense person I am that in my right mind would have never tolerated such blatant mistreatment, abuse from anyone ever. I have divorced husbands for less!

So to those of you who have trash in your home, throw it out. Remove it immediately.  You don’t need it. You’re not supposed to have it anyway. Now that you’ve gotten rid of that nasty, rancid, foul trash …

Be Happy! Love Yourself! It is way past the time for you to be Treating Yourself Wonderfully!

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.

Lamb Chops, Please, Thank You and Good Night…

I want you to grab a seat, your favorite beverage and sit real close.  I’m going to share a secret with you.  I could not effectively go “no contact” with the narcissist for any length of time.  It was too disquieting to my spirit.  I needed to release his hold on me my way, a way that worked for me.  And, before I am bombarded with the importance of “no contact”, I am one who subscribes to the theory that what works for some may not work for others.  “No contact” does not work for me.   The pain I experienced attempting to go “no contact” was unbearable, it was suffocating. I simply could not do it!

I could, however, do it in a manner that has worked for me in the past — Naturally.  A friend told me years ago (about a relationship) when you’re tired, you’ll be tired, no one will have to tell you you’re tired, because you’ll be tired and then and only then will you be able to move on.  You’ll move on painlessly and with little to no effort.  Trust me when I say — you, me, anybody will eventually grow tired of being treated like a doormat, the gum under the bottom of someone’s shoe! This is what first began to attack my senses!  That meanness, the total lack of gratitude I observed when someone is doing everything in their power to please an individual!

So, let me get this straight, you’re going to screw anything wearing a skirt (and I get to watch) and then treat me funky too.  Aaaah Nope. One or the other, definitely not both. That was my thinking.

Have you clued in to the little innuendos in my posts?  Did you pick up the little signs in my writings? Did you notice that I was still in contact with the narcissist?  Yes, I talk to him often.  We text.  We banter back ‘n forth about various topics.  And, you are going to love this  – I even feed him on occasion.  He loves food.  I love to feed people.  So I feed him! If I am drinking my signature Coffee and Bailey’s and he wants one — I share.  I share food and drink with him, but I will not share my heart or my special lady parts ever again.

Natural was the only way to go.  It would happen for me, but it had to happen in its own time — naturally.  When it began to happen naturally, I found I lost all carnal desires for him.  Just like the thief in the night who stole my fun, that same thief returned and stole any desires I had for this man.  My interests became purely neighborly, friendly with the hope that we can live in our community peacefully, harmoniously.  That is, if it can be managed. I won’t , however, tolerate any longer his lack of basic huMAN social graces or simple kindness which begin with Please, Thank You and Good Night.

Several times in the last several weeks, he’s tried to lure me with his charm.  He’s even talked that aggressive, sexy talk he knows I like.  It just doesn’t work on me anymore.  It doesn’t even sound sexy.  Those naked pictures that were once sexy, I now view as goofy (and told him so).  All he can give me, and all I want from him, is conversation on my terms!  He is a sometime cure for my boredom. not a cure for the absence of intimacy in my bedroom.

I can no longer share a bed with this man — definitely not his or mine.  There are just too many folks sharing his bed for my tastes.  Jesus H. Christ!  What was I thinking?  When I determine what was going through my head on January 3, 2013 to begin that Mess-and-a-Half with a Mess-and-a-Half, I’ll write about it (another day/another blog).

Recently, he asked me to prepare his dinner (nil Please). I am also hungry.  I feel like cooking.  I feel like mmmm Lamb Chops.  He’s in luck!  I prepare a great meal of Lamb Chops, mashed potatoes and green beans.  And, what’s a meal without Coffee and Bailey’s.  I deliver his dinner (nil Thank You).  I enjoy my own meal.

Those Lamb Chops were on-point.  They were perfectly prepared.  They were great. Several days later, I mention to him (since he had neglected to do so on his own) how well the Lamp Chops turned out.  He agreed.  One would think that if someone prepares you a really good meal.  A meal that is hot and ready when you arrive home from a day’s work, deliver it to your front door, at the very least a Thank You should be forthcoming.  Perhaps, even tell them how much you enjoyed the meal.  Not this individual.  Only on rare occasions has he ever mentioned how well he has enjoyed a meal I lovingly prepared for him.

A couple of days later, I am celebrating a holiday all by my little ol’ self.  He wants Coffee and Bailey’s.  I share! I saw him earlier, and noticed that he went out of his way to greet me. Never mind the previous day he ignored my texts.  I knew why he was so affable.  I knew what he wanted — Food/Drink.  He is welcome to my special Coffee and Bailey’s!  Before my transformation, I would have ran inside and conjured him up a meal despite the fact that I did not feel like cooking nor was I hungry.  I’m a new, improved me. He will have to initiate a Plan B for dinner cause this girl ain’t cooking!

He sends me those goofy naked pictures.  I play along.  We text until I realize I am a little inebriated.  I take him a second Coffee and Bailey’s before I lay me down to sleep.  I sit it on his porch.  When I ask him if he’s retrieved the drink from his porch?  His response is “yep“!  Okay, you’ve got the drink.  He is as usual too ungracious to mutter a simple Thank You.  I later send a “Good Night” text.  He does not respond.  Seriously!  Are you kidding me!  No one is that obtuse.

Who cannot say Good Night“? What a complete and utter idiot, I think to myself.  I can no longer ignore his lack of simple, common social graces.  Please, Thank You and Good Night are just that —  common social graces.  Suddenly, it hits me, it’s as if someone hits me over the head with a full bottle of my Bailey’s — this man is more than a narcissist, he’s a cad, a Neanderthal.  I found it odd that he had difficulties with Please and Thank You.  But, it just never really hit me like it did this evening.  No “Good Night” to someone who has prepared and delivered not one but two Coffee and Bailey’s to your front door. I’m stunned!

I have evolved!  I am more aware what is really going on here.  This is someone who is void of decorum and civility.  He’s not only a narcissist, he is rude and unpolished.  Now for me who believes in etiquette and protocol, this is plain ol’ nasty! YUCK!  More than any of his other egregious behaviors, this is a dealbreaker.  Okay, call me crazy but that is who I am.

I could probably work through the narcissism, the misogynist, even his womanizing. When you add a lack of common social graces, no Please, no Thank You and no Good Night, it is a no-can-do.

I get it! I know what some of you are thinking.  How can anyone stand a lying, cheating man, a womanizer.  To that I refer you to my post Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude. He was doing no more than I have always expected of men.  Okay, a lot more.  Still the overall behavior was expected.

It used to leave me feeling rejected and disheartened when he would ignore me.  It was heartbreaking that he could be so cruel, hard-hearted, petulant and mean.  The lack of good social graces, saying Please, Thank You and Good Night crosses the line!

I am slightly inebriated and in no mood for his shenanigans this evening.  I am no longer the silly woman trying to share his bed.  I do what I want to do for him as a trade-off.  I need a good conversation every now and then — nothing more, nothing less.  Tonight, I heave his behind back over my imaginary boundary so fast, he has to think someone had stolen my cellphone.

I text him and tell him about his boorish, churlish, cloddish, uncouth, classless, uncultivated, unpolished, unsophisticated, tasteless, vulgar; oafish, stupid, impolite, mannerless, rude, uncivil, ungracious behavior.  Imagine his surprise.

Of course, he ignores these texts.  The following morning tho’ he responds with a “What“.  But since I really don’t feel like communicating with him, I ignore his text.

The narcissist has totally underestimated the transformation, conversion, reconstruction, revamping, metamorphosis and renewal of my spirit.  I have had a spiritual overhaul to my heart and soul.  I have shifted gears.  I am singing a different tune. I have turned over a new leaf, turned the corner and turned the tables.  ON YOU!  Yes, narcissist I have turned the tables on you.

I will no longer accept such atrocious behavior.  I expect respect.  I am going to live this close and be happy and at peace.  I expect civility.  And, if my demands means that he will not talk to me for a few days, do I really give a flying pig!  Aaaaah Nope!  I know his secret, his weakness  — he does not want to be feuding neighbors either.

He’s a narcissist, that is a given.  The respect of our neighbors is important to him.  And while the neighbors are aware of his shenanigans — they do not know about me.  Nor does he want them to know!  The neighbors adore me. They would be disappointed that I went that way, but would be repulsed with him and his behaviors having me so close. Make no mistake about it, he does not want the neighbors looking at him sideways.

Is he even aware of his lack of class and sophistication?  Does he even realize that being the smartest, best looking, best dressed, most accomplished person in a room does not make up for a lack of politeness, a lack of civility.  Silly boy!

Another snippet into the real story about the Mess-and-a-Half, I bent over backwards (sometimes forward).  He was an addiction, an obsession.  Now, I could care less. I am narcissist-free and feeling good about me.  Sometimes I look at him and see a Cyclop.

My sister friends who know me, know me well. They are not surprised by my behavior nowadays.  They knew when pushed too hard, I make a complete about-face.  Something I had forgotten about myself.  It was the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who said know thyself.  Even when I did not know where I was headed, what I should be, what I should be doing, I knew I had limited tolerance for a lack of sophistication, decorum, etiquette and social graces.

And, as the sister friends would say, I can be as fickle as the days are long.  I am madly in love one minute and completely turned off the next. Mission accomplished. Narcissist, you have turned me completely off.  I must admit you had me going for a minute (317 days). That part of me that was attracted to someone of your ilk is gone. The thief stole that too!

As I look back over my life, I realize that I have had a pattern of allowing disrespectful, demanding, fault-finding, heedless, ingrate, self-centered, selfish, thankless, and unappreciative behaviors.

In fact, the narcissist was only allowed to set up shop in my world because of my lack of establishing healthy boundaries.  For the men and the sister friends who have often left me thinking “Unh?” what just happened, I give a strong warning I am not the person I used to be.  I have boundaries now.  Hip Hip Hooray.

Respect my boundaries.  And, if you ask me to prepare Lamb Chops for you, remember to say Please.  When I serve them, do not forget to say Thank You and if I say Good Night, I suggest you respond in kind.

And now I go“no contact” without even trying!

Please tell your friends about my blog.  Thank you for reading my blog.  And Good Night everyone!

Treat yourselves wonderfully.  And, demand that others do, as well!

Those days …

when the Negative Committee is trying to reconvene inside my head, it can be daunting.  I have devoted a tremendous amount of time this weekend to keeping the Negative Committee at bay, working diligently to ensure they do not disrupt the Positive Committee’s meeting.  It has not been easy for the Negative Committee is a formidable opponent of mine.  Those days this weekend have been challenging.

I had a disagreement with one of the Greatest Loves of My Life Friday evening.  It saddened me.  It was hurtful and now we are not talking.  Ok, that’s happened before. It’ll work itself out.  But … instead I began to focus on the Mess-and-a-Half the entire weekend.  Hence, last night’s post La La Land. Old thoughts are trying to re-emerge — that damn Negative Committee.  Who’s he with?  Why does he seem to like everyone else and not me? He must really like her.  Worrying about who’s there and who’s not.  Why did I allow myself to engage in his shenanigans?  I’m at it again.

The simple answer is I do not care one minutia.  His comings and goings and visitors are trivial in my world.  I remind myself of this those days when he and his shenanigans are creeping into my thoughts.  Those days when I am experiencing my own spin-mode, I admonish myself and remember he is a narcissist and a misogynist, a womanizer.  Plain and Simple.   I then grab ahold of my feelings, my emotions, successfully fending off the Negative Committee’s antics.  I recognize this descent, this attempt to travel to La La Land.  It  is not about him at all.  It is one of the Greatest Loves of My Life that has my spirits disquieted.  

I have spent the entire weekend in much of a tizzy.  I said it last night and I’ll say it again, he only becomes a focal point when something else in my life is amiss.  He is a symptom!

A great blogger friend and sister in the struggle wrote on one of my posts “… those days when I felt myself slipping back into spin-mode.”  I get it!  I really get it!  While many of us have emerged whole and even better, that does not mean that we are not without scars from our experience.  Although some of our scars may be small, it is a scar nevertheless.  We are entitled to have those days where we feel we’re in spin-mode.

Those days, are the ones I convene a meeting of the Positive Committee and throw the Negative Committee and all of its members out the window! Goodbye! Get out!  Leave!  And, please do not return!  There is no space for you, Negative Committee!

There is a reason for those days in spin-mode — we trusted, we cared and were  not treated well.  And, what’s even worse (at least for me), we allowed it.  Those days, we look back and remember the hurt, the pain, and in my case, the inability to breathe.   Those days when we are slipping into spin-mode are the remnants of the experience that is now behind us.  We were looking for our Happy Ever After and found Hell on Earth.  We deserve our own Happy Ever After.

It is not unreasonable to want to share our lives with someone who will treat us like the fantastic women we are.  We want someone to love us unconditionally.  I love the one scene in Sex in the City where Carrie tells The Russian “…I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”  She pretty much summed it up for me in that one little blurb.  It is exactly what I want.  And, until I find that kind of ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-life-without-each-other love, I plan not to waste any more of the years I have left on God’s earth with anything less.

Without that ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming … love, there will be no casual sex.  I have no interest in long-term dating with no commitment of at least monogamy. My heart and my lady parts will not be shared with the narcissist, misogynist, sex addict, emotionally unavailable, broken down, down-on-his-luck, commitment-phobic, megalomaniac, sociopath, psychopath or those who are otherwise 50 Shades of screwed up.  I am not interested in raising anyone’s son!

This is where I am and plan to remain.  Despite those days this weekend, when I am feeling somewhat dispirited, downcast, melancholy, dismal, downhearted and gloomy, the good news is I am still happy in love with myself.  For I have weathered yet another storm, remembering what is important, reminding myself every day, throughout the day, that I am an attractive, smart and a terrific human being.

So, as I move forward and work diligently to stave off those days where I am in spin-mode, I thought of another favorite Carrie Bradshaw quote “… the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

Treat yourselves better than well, treat yourselves wonderfully!

La La Land…

is where I was for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days of 2013, due to a Mess-and-a-Half which I had immersed myself.  This morning, I was talking on the telephone to a sister friend — the one who really should think about becoming a stand-up comedian.  I was telling my sister friend that I recognized sometime ago that my off-and-on vacation stops in La La Land over the narcissist were more symptoms of my overall state-of-mind, my muddling than any unhappiness with the Mess-and-a-Half.  I conveyed this notion to my counselor and other sister friends months ago.

She got it!  Don’t you love it when you are having difficulty expressing yourself and the individual on the other end “gets it”.  I know I do.  She responded almost immediately that she had noticed that when I would travel to La La Land, ranting and raving about the narcissist that I was usually dealing with other not-so-pleasant aspects of my life!  Other parts of my life were off kilter.  Helter-skelter so-to-speak.

Ask yourselves these questions:  Are other parts of your life imbalanced?  Are you worrying about your children?  Are you worrying about your finances? Are you able to do many of the things you enjoy? Are your needs being met?  Do you have the things you want/need? How’s your health?  Do you hate your job?  Your boss?  Or, your co-workers?  I can think of a few others but you get the point, I’m sure.

After the roller coaster I had been riding began to descend, I would take periodic trips to La La Land.  I would talk about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half without interruption, incessantly, constantly, continually, non-stop, around the clock, interminably, unremittingly, ceaselessly, endlessly, all day, every day.  I pause here to express my appreciation to the sister friends who entertained my insanity.  And, trust me that is exactly where I was — In my very own La La Land, Insanityville USA.

I needed answers!  I would investigate, play detective and scrutinize every minute detail about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half.  I was going to figure out what went wrong, what had I done wrong that caused me to lose the momentary happiness I’d had for three months.  I was going to determine one way or the other why it had disappeared — literally overnight, in six hours! 

When the downward spiral began, I had just accepted a new and demanding position.  I was working diligently at putting other aspects of my life in order, after having been gone for several years.  My home needed repairs, I was worried about my children, one of my sister friends was gravely ill and I was dealing with all that life was throwing at me.  I referred to it as hitting baseballs in one of those little cages.  As soon as you hit one, there was another coming at you.  As I reflect back on those days, I realize now that, with all that was going on, my making the Mess-and-a-Half a focal point, probably staved off my leaving La La Land for a trip to Crazytown.

I’m telling you he’s more of a symptom than anything else, I would tell the sister friends often.  With the narcissist as my focal point, I would take a trip to La La Land at any given moment.   There would be days where I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner in La La Land. I cared a great deal about the narcissist — that I won’t deny.  However, my insanity was not all about the narcissist.  It had a lot to do with the all-encompassing fog that was growing denser.

He was a symptom.  Simple as that.  Think about how often you have been in La La Land and swore it was one thing only to discover it was altogether something totally different.  Been there, done that many times over the years.  There was a lot on my plate.  Some aspects of my life were overwhelming at the time.  And then I became introduced to narcissism. Something I knew absolutely nothing about.

I often think now would I have been such a willing and easy target for someone of such odious ilk had I not already been in a fog.  Going to La La Land would be a short trip for me.  Who’s to say.  But given the circumstances and the intimate knowledge I possessed, probably not.  The narcissist’s intrusion into a life where I was simply muddling along would be the impetus I needed to exit La La Land.

I needed this assault on my soul, my very being.  I desperately needed to wake up, smell the roses and put my life in order — one piece at a time. I needed self-esteem.  I needed to establish boundaries.  And, I needed to think about myself a little more and everyone else a little less.  I needed to Treat Myself Better than Well … I needed to Treat Myself Wonderfully.  I get it now!

Leaving LaLa Land

Treat Yourselves Better than Well … Treat Yourselves Wonderfully!

I write …

liebster4

When I am feeling good, I write!  I write when I need inspiration.  And, I write to remind myself who I am and what I want in my life.    Thank you Tela (@ sociopathlife.com) for recommending me for the Liebster Award.  I am both thrilled and honored.  While my blog was born out of my mess-and-a-half, it has propelled me to love myself first and foremost.  It also keeps the Negative Committee exiled!

When I write, I am reminded that I have a tremendous capacity for love and am loved by many.  I love my blog.  I love my writing.  I look forward to expressing myself.  I often think about my blog throughout the day.  By the end of the week, I am ready and able to post no less than two of my thoughts. Why?  Because my thoughts and feelings are right upfront in my heart and mind.

I write, I heal.  My healing began with everyone else’s blogs and continues with my own.  My confession:  Still, if something about the mess-and-a-half attempts to disrupt my peacefulness, my positivity , I write.  I immediately convene a meeting of the Positive Committee.  I grab my coffee and my wonderful Bailey’s, a seat in my favorite chair with my laptop in my lap and I write.

When I am satisfied with what I have written, I feel peaceful, tranquil, calm, still, relaxed, soothed, undisturbed, untroubled, serene, composed, at ease, untroubled, content, rejuvenated, reinvigorated, re-energized, regenerated, revived, resuscitated, refreshed and stimulated.  Then, I have a reality check — the mess-and-a-half is still a mess-and-a-half. 

I am happy.  I am happy in love with me.  I have renewed love and peace for myself and those that I love.  I now even joke about the mess-and-a-half.  Every so often I may feel a little pang or two of pity for those who seemingly don’t know who or what they have allowed into their life, who’s bed they’re sharing.  Me, I know.  I have always known.  And, that allows me to be in my better place with my coffee and Bailey’s.  Life just keeps getting better.  Lord knows, I miss my Gummi Bears!  When is this Lent thing going to be over!

I nominate the following bloggers for the Liebster Award.  They were and continue to be my inspiration.  This award gives me the one opportunity to pay it forward to those bloggers who helped me so much and let them know how much I appreciate what their blogs have done for me, for my healing.

Disentangling, extricating myself from a relationship with a narcissist was difficult, but I did it!  I found my way out with determination, will, strength, wonderful bloggers and the Saving Grace of my Awesome God!

http://www.thetruthyoualwaysknew.com

http://breemikael.wordpress.com

http://flowersfromapsycho.wordpress.com

http://plambert001.wordpress.com

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog

wendyjpowell.wordpress.com

http://silverboundary.wordpress.com

 http://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com

Random facts about me:

  • I love animals (except hyenas)
  • I love my job … my bosses
  • I LOVE summer.  I don’t care if it is 100+ degrees I LOVE it.
  • I don’t like winter at all, not one bit!  Ok, I confess, I HATE IT!
  • A couple years ago, I bought an Android phone and sent it back the following day — answering a phone should not be mind boggling
  • I type over 100 wpm
  • I wrote my first novella If it looks like … a pig about my experience (without a clue I was describing a relationship with a narcissist)
  • I have always wanted to know what it was like to live somewhere other than where I had been all of my life.  So, I lived in another state for several years on my own
  • I absolve everyone of my mess-and-a-half, especially myself!
  • I not only love Gummi Bears – but worms and frogs too!
  • I never misspell a word … If it is misspelled it is a typo! 😉
  1. What is the best thing about you?  My determination, will, perseverance and a sense of humor to die for!  (I’m a bit smarter than even I know.)
  2. What time of day do you blog? I blog primarily on the weekends throughout the day. 
  3. How many revisions does it take before you finally publish? (love this one)  A hundred!  Seriously tho’, I am constantly editing/saving.  I counted 25+ on several of my posts.  I’m editing/revising even after I’ve published. 
  4. Who is/was the most influential person in your life?  I have so many to name but I have two friends who I will see on the other side that made a tremendous difference in my life. One imparted work wisdoms, the other life and love.  I miss them terribly but they truly made the difference in my life.  And, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout-out to the mess-and-a-half! Without whom, I would still be muddling along.
  5. In one word describe yourself?  Funny
  6. Where do you see yourself one year from now?  A well-known blogger/author.
  7. What is your favorite social media?  Facebook
  8. What type of blogs do you follow?  Currently anything having to do with self-esteem, narcissism, healing and loving one’s self.
  9. What is the motivating factor for you to blog?  Feelings
  10. How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it?  Informative, inspirational.  Sociopathlife tells it like it is, no holds barred.  When I started reading it, I gained a better sense of what was happening in my life.  It was a motivating factor in my healing.
  11. What have you learned about yourself from blogging?  That I love it. That it is healing. That I was born to write.  And, the perils of dealing with a narcissist!

Find your peace, and then…

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully.