Category Archives: Soul

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.

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I chose to be happy in love …

with ME!  Yes, me!  I reached inside myself and extracted every bit of will, strength, determination and whatever else was hidden inside me to feel better. I began a real love affair.  This time with someone who I knew had learned her lesson and would treat me well. Treat me wonderfully.  That person would be me.

I have chosen to be happy in love with me, taking a long, hard look at myself.  I now believe that I am attractive and smart too.  I am a bona fide, genuine, veritable, honest-to-goodness, sho’ nuff Winner (with a capital “W”).

I am letting go all those negative thoughts about myself and replacing them with new and improved loving thoughts of me!  I had dinner with a friend last week. We were talking about my blog and she remarked that it all seemed to focus around the mess-and-a-half.  I told her how coincidental that she mentioned that as I had decided to turn it around and change the focus.  Now, it is about me.  All about me.

I chose to be happy in love with my world that is now a work-in-progress.  I chose to renew my love and commitment to my children. I chose to love them for the people they are, for the people I raised them to be and for the love they each have given me.  I chose to be happy in love with the children who are the Greatest Loves of my life!

I chose to be happy in love with the sister (and brother) friends who have supported me emotionally through the years.  The friends who believed in me when I was struggling with who I am and what should I be doing with myself, my life.  I chose to be happy in love with the friends who continued to believe in me when I was Chair of the Negative Committee.  That committee tried to set up headquarters in my head, inside my heart. I shut it down!

I chose to be happy in love with my baby sister. The relationship has had its ups-and-downs but one thing I have discovered is — it too is an unconditional, unshakeable love.  Why question the authenticity of that love?  When someone expresses their love for you in a public forum, you can only receive it and say yep, she loves me.  All is forgiven.  We forge ahead.

I chose to be happy in love with my home, tending to it, repairing and making it a beautiful home. Of course, I chose to continue to be happy and in love with my pet companions — that’s a given.  I chose to take care of myself and provide for my wants and needs, including my Bailey’s and Gummi Bears before I even think of everyone else’s! I come first!

I saw, I conquered and I persevered through some of life’s greatest challenges.  I choose to be happy in love with my mistakes and all the parts of me that comprise the quintessential me — a wonderfully, bright, smart and attractive woman who can take on the toughest obstacle and emerge from it like the mythological phoenix standing erect with her head held high.  I have chosen to be happy in love with my best friend in my great and wonderful world — ME!

I choose to be happy in love with me inspite of and despite my shortcomings, longcomings, idiosyncrasies or whatever.  Everybody has some.

Thank you esteemology.com for my 2014 Affirmation:  I am unapologetically, fiercely, authentically ME. This is all I have to be. It is all I will ever need to be. I was born good enough. It is my birthright. This is the next step in my global, spiritual awakening. I have embraced my uniqueness and am being happy and joyful, living an authentic life.  I chose to be happy in love with me!

I chose to be happy in love with me, living a life that is better and more fulfilling, satisfying — a life I deserve.  I choose to have only peace and love in my life.  I choose to remove those friendships that are toxic, unhealthy, and which fail to add value to my world.  I choose to be more discerning in my relationships.

I chose to be happy in love with my God and his Saving Grace that has allowed me the strength to persevere, to forge ahead.  My God is an awesome God!

I chose to be happy in love by setting 2014 goals for myself — attainable goals.

I chose to be happy in love with me, treating myself not just well but wonderfully!

You should do the same!

Fool me once…

Shame on you and you alone.  I think I may just rewrite the old adage Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  I’m thinking I will change it to Fool me once, the shame is all your’s.  There will not be a second fooling.  Why should I be so benevolent as to give anyone a second opportunity.  When you have fooled me once, you’ve already shamed us both.  Should there even be a second fooling?  Mmmm Nope!  Not anymore!

I have tried my entire life not to be judgmental.  I always accepted everyone on their terms. If I liked you, I looked past your faults, your idiosyncrasies, your peculiarities.  I knew very little about treacherous and menacing personality disorders and that I should steer clear of them.  I now understand that I can be discerning without being judgmental.  People who are vexations to the spirit, whose moral compass is off should not have admittance into anyone’s life, not mine for sure.

I always thought I was being a good person.  A genuine, loving person who accepted everyone as they were.  Hence, a root cause of my mess-and-a-half! As I look forward (not backwards), I now realize there are even sister friends who I should have revoked their friendship pass long ago.

I had a sister friend who I now believe may possess some type of sociopathic personality disorder.  We were sister friends well over 20 years.  Great friends, close friends.  I loved this girl as though she was a family member. My favorite thing about her — she could make me laugh, a lot, heartily. Over the years, however, I began to notice things but dismissed them.

You’ve probably figured out by now I have a penchant for laughter and fun.  I want to laugh all day, everyday. I have no problem being a laughing fool.  When I am laughing, I feel … better than good.  I feel wonderful, alive, happy.  Those who know me well, know they have to proceed with caution when making me laugh. I become hysterical easily. You want the key to my kingdom, make me laugh!

Several years ago, I had stepped outside my comfort zone and went on my greatest adventure moving to another state.  I lived without the family and friends I loved so much.  To say that I was lonely is an understatement.  My ex-sister friend and I talked by phone daily.  During one of those chat sessions, I remarked on how wonderful were her accomplishments.  Her resume is awesome!  Her accomplishments are off-the-charts.

She is extremely smart and works hard in the community, at school and at work.  Her response to my compliment made me take one-half step backwards.  The only woman badder than me was herself, she remarked.  I thought it was odd to say such to a friend, a close friend.  It sounded kind of competitive but perhaps I am reading too much into it.  (Why would I compete with my friend or she with me!)

I realize now this was Fool me once!  Shame on her!

My ex-sister friend knows me, she knows me very well.  I have shared some of my most intimate secrets with her.  She knows I am not a woman who asks men for money.  Nor do I expect it. Never have, never will.  My finances are my personal business, and I do not discuss them openly.  The topic of my finances is sacred.

Why in a conversation would she dare degrade me and say something so appalling as to suggest I should ask any man for money.  And, the delivery, the words were so outrageous I cannot even bring myself to repeat them here.  At that moment I decided it was best I not talk to her for a minute, give the relationship a rest.  I did just that.

I could not understand or appreciate the suggestion.  I am not a lady of the evening, streetwalker, tart, moll, fille de joie, escort, courtesan, hustler, scarlet woman, cocotte, strumpet, harlot or trollop.  I do not ask men for money.  If others do, that’s fine — it is just not me.  And, there’s a very good reason I feel this way — another blog, another day!

She notices I am not returning her calls.  That I am always busy.  When she asks why, I politely remind her what had been said and how degrading, disgraceful and scandalous, it was.  She has clearly crossed a line even for me who failed to understand the importance of boundaries.

Fool me twice, shame on me!

I missed her tho’.  I missed her making me laugh.  I missed our most intimate conversations.  After several months, I call her.  I had something to tell her and knew it would leave us both in stitches.  We chatted and our daily chat sessions resumed.

I return home from my time away.  You just know when it’s time.  I missed my children; my other sister friends, two of whom I’ll see on the other side and one who was gravely ill.  I need to go home! I was leaving a great job with a great income.  Nevertheless, I still needed to return home (another blog for another day).

I am home, no job but that’s okay. I am highly marketable.  My children are in desperate need of mothering, nurturing and guidance.  I am needed at home!  I soon find a low-paying position.  It’ll do for now but I know that I cannot do this long, and not just because of the money.  This work I can do with one hand tied behind my back, standing on one leg (and possibly blindfolded)!  This girl needs a challenge at work.

While away, I am discovering I can do anything I set my mind to.  I am getting a better sense of who should and should not be a part of my life.  A better sense of me!  Definitely, getting there!

Purely by happenstance, I learn of a challenging, good-paying position in my field but it is the last day for resumes to be received.  My ex-sister friend had to have known about this position given her community involvement.  Mmmmm wonder why she failed to mention it.  How odd.  Even more odd was her response when I asks her about the position.  Her response was a clear indication of her feelings towards me — you will not have a better life than me.  Tho’ these are not her actual words, the message she was conveying was clearly embedded in her response!

This shocking response set off the alarms in my head.  The sirens are blaring, the lights are flashing.  OMG, my friend does not even want me to have decent employment.

Now understand — this was not a position where I would compete with her on any level.  We are in two total different spheres in the world of employment.

You guessed it, I am fooled a third time.  This would be shame on me twice!  

I continue to chat with her — but not so regularly.

I had dismissed a lot over the 20 year friendship.  Who am I to judge.  I dismissed her interest in men who were interested in me.  I wasn’t interested anyway so it did not matter if she went in hot pursuit.  I definitely missed her even considering a relationship with a man she knew was and had been involved with a mutual friend for years.

I dismissed how she oftentimes conveniently navigated the truth.  I even dismissed it when she remarked to me once — there is no absolute right and wrong. It is all subjective! Unh???  But I did not miss it when she did something totally unscrupulous with someone else’s money she had been charged with safekeeping!

It is time to dissolve this friendship. Time to let it go. And, let it go is what I did. It would not be until my recent mess-and-a-half that I realize it was the right thing to do. That blasted self-doubt.

Whatever the relationship — man, woman, child or even animal. If it does not bring you cheer and goodwill, you must let it go.  Without my mess-and-a-half, I would have continued in harmful, malignant relationships with men and so-called sister friends.

Today, I set my clocks forward.  I also set my heart, mind and soul forward.  I will not judge but I will be more discerning with who shares my world.

If you fool me once, the shame is all on you!  We’re done and you are FIRED!

Treat yourselves well, treat yourselves wonderfully. I am!

Out with the old …

In with the new and Improved.  On January 1, 2014 I decided that it was long  past the time for me to move onward and upward and shed the negative energy in my life.  With that decision, I experienced a gamut of emotions.

From despair, disheartenment, distress, anguish and unhappiness. To today’s acceptance, calm, serene, tranquil, self-assured, self-confident, imperturbable, peaceful, placid, steady, sangfroid life where I am enjoying a wonderful presence-of-mind.  Yes, I have returned to my old ebullient, cheerful self!  Only now, some of these adjectives describe my new state-of-mind.  Yes, I am not only back from the depths of my self-imposed misery but I am a new and improved, better me.

I now have the self-esteem that has eluded me most of my life.  I am an immovable, unstoppable  force.  I no longer tolerate nonsense.  Nonsense that I have tolerated most of my adult life.  Not just from guys but also from those masquerading as sister friends.  I am a new ME.

A few years ago, in a conversation with a sister friend, I expressed that for years I had not known me.  Did not have a clue.  No clue of my capabilities. What I should and should not allow in my life?  What was my niche?  What kind of friends should I have and what kind of men should I grant admission to my world?   At the time of the conversation, I was beginning to come into my own, gaining a better sense of me but I was only half-way to where I needed to be.  Who knew it would take a mess-and-a-half to give me the force majeure I needed to be what I was destined to be.  To get me there!

As I sit here with my Bailey’s and coffee (gave up the Gummi Bears for Lent), I realize the source, the root cause of many of my faux pas can be attributed to my childhood.  Because I am in a tranquil place, I will not use this space to denigrate those who could have been better to me, loved me more, and gave me the tools I would need to take me through adulthood.  And, although I was not abused sexually or even emotionally, I could have been treated so much better. As my counselor so aptly phrased it, I deserved so much more.

Only now that the wounds of my mess-and-a-half are pretty much closed and all that is left is a thin mark — a reminder — do I realize I have struggled my entire life to be loved by those who were supposed to love me.  I looked for that love in the wrong places, with the wrong people.  I played roulette with my heart.  Praise to my awesome God for the super terrific counseling I receive.

Those who were charged with guiding me from childhood to adulthood, for whatever reason, were unable to fulfill their prescribed duties.  It’s okay.  I forgive them too! I am certain that had they known better they would have done better.  They did not. So que sera sera!

As I was awakenening from the fog, I realized now that I have been in that fog for most of my adult life.  I worked, married a couple of times, had children and did the best I knew how with the knowledge I had to work with.  I did a fairly decent job of raising my children largely because I was going to be the total opposite of those who had raised me.

My children would always know one truth — I love them with every ounce of my being and would stand beside them during their worse times.  I would admonish them if they were wrong but would not  leave them in their distress. I used to say to them they could guarantee three things in life, the sun would rise, the sun would set and my love for them would always be unconditional and unshakable.  Of course, as with most children they tested it a couple of times!

Aspects of my personality that I have always been lauded for are my determination, will and fighting spirit.  I only discovered recently that I was considerably stronger than even I knew. My counselor told me that one reason I am emerging from my recent mess-and-a-half so well is because of an inner strength, she knew, I possessed. An inner strength that I have always had yet was unaware.  See, everyone has always remarked about my determination, my abilities to forge ahead despite the most difficult of circumstances or situations. I, on the other hand, never saw myself in the same light.

I have always been able to pick up and move on, do what I had to do, despite …. anything! While this last mess-and-a-half tested that strength, determination and will like never before, once again when I decided to get out, to move on, I did just that.  On my worse days, I lamented I am nobody’s victim.  I do not wallow.  My mess-and-a-half even propelled me to greater heights.  I now understand this strength I possess.

A conversation before the mess-and-a-half with a sister friend would have sounded like this:  Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I don’t deserve you or your friendship.

A conversation after the mess-and-a-half with the same sister friend actually went like this: Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I deserve you and your friendship.

During this conversation I even gave her the before and after scenarios.  Of course, we both laughed as she is one of the ones who has always believed in me and was constantly in my ear about what a good-hearted, loving person she knew me to be.

This is what growing sounds like.  It is what moving on sounds like.  It is learning a life lesson. It is loving one’s self.  It is me who has moved on and began a love affair with myself despite my mess-and-a-half!

I realize that I and I alone am charged with loving me!  And, I am up to the task!

I am now dissolving the Negative Committee FOREVER!  It’s Chair has been fired.  It has been replaced with the Positive Committee, whose Chair is EoftheU2014.

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully!

Closing this chapter…

Dear Narcissist,

Thank you!

I now realize when you came into my life, it was what I needed at that very moment. Kinda what a doctor would have ordered had anyone known of my distress, my fears, my unsettled spirit at the time. You were wearing a mask, I get that now.  But remarkable good was derived from my experience with you — the man in the mask.  First, I was rescued from the holidays (which I detest).  You made them fun, sexy and lively.  Thank you!

Your arrival in my life was at a time when I was muddling along, not knowing what my next step would be, where would I go, what would I do.  Now I have come to believe you may have even saved me from my fog, saved my very spirit!  Thank you!

You started me to reading again and introduced me to that Book — you know the one.  I loved all three.  I probably never would have read and enjoyed them so immensely had you not given me your copy of the first one to read.  Now, I am not just reading but writing too and loving every minute!  Thank you!

You made me feel sexy and adventurous.  You gave me courage!  Thank you!

You gave me a memorable birthday weekend. It was fantabulous.  Thank you.

You gave me insight on aspects of my life that I had largely ignored due to the state of muddling I was in.  You gave me the wake-up call that I needed.  Thank you!

I still get goosebumps when I think of our last amazing night together before the downward spiral — It was amazing and memorable!

I am now closing this chapter in my life and beginning a new one.  It is called Out With The Old, In With The New and Improved Me.  I regret that I cannot take you with me on my next adventure.  There’s not going to be enough space for you.

You will always hold a special place in my heart despite … for without you, I would have remained in that fog that was consuming me.  With you, I have discovered me, the writing that I love so much, and the self-esteem and confidence that had eluded me most of my life.

You made me realize the importance of treating one’s self well.  You made me realize how important it is to love one’s self.  I could never be angry with you.  The funny thing is I now realize what you are even moreso than you. I am certain that you would seek the help you need if you knew.

And you did all this while wearing a mask!  Go figure!

While the bad days may outnumber the good ones, I can honestly say the quality of the good days made up for them.  See, the good days have not stopped, they’re still coming in leaps and bounds.  Why? Because you made me understand what I needed to understand.  I will never treat myself poorly again.  No more playing roulette with my heart.  You taught me the gravity of having expectations, of boundaries.  I am closing this chapter with a stronger sense of self — self-worth, self-love, self-esteem, etc.

My regrets are few and my gratitude is great!

Wishing you all the best life has to offer… Sayonara, Auf Wiedersehen

The End!

I don’t need sex…

Of course, I enjoy good sex as much as the next girl.  But I don’t need it.  I am happy when I have it.  But I am not unhappy because I don’t!  Physical love does not validate me.  It obviously seems to validate my narcissist.

Recently we were engaging in one of our bantering discussions when he remarked that I was in love with the sex.  I kinda went ballistic.  Ok, I did go ballistic.  I responded “I do not and have NEVER fallen in love with a man because of sex… A brain YES! Sex, absolutely not.”  Is he serious.  I am becoming increasingly more insolent. I love a man’s brain! Now that is what turns me on!

Understand this, when I was out-of-my-mind over him, he could have said the same thing and though it was not true not even then, I would not have disputed this untruth.  See, what he never knew about me — largely because he is so into himself — I have never been all that sexual. Silly narcissist!

A narcissist will never know you.  They will never get to know your likes or dislikes. They will not take notice to what turns you on or turns you off.  They are only concerned about themselves.  Had he paid the slightest attention, he would have noticed how much I enjoyed the bantering, the laughing and the fun we were having. He would have also noticed, it was not the sex that I enjoyed nearly as much as the companionship he provided.  The sex, for me, was the cherry on the sundae — not the freaking sundae, moron.  I don’t need sex. Never have. I enjoy it when it is available but don’t yearn for it when it’s not.

Does he really think so little of all women that every woman only wants a man for sex?  Of course he does.  He has women traipsing in and out of his house every day.  This evening, I got the biggest giggle — one who had spent last night left and another arrived five hours later.  Wow!  Seriously!  I would bet a paycheck a good number of them are in it for the sex! And, as long as that many are in it for the sex, why wouldn’t he believe WE all are.

For a couple of days now, I have pondered this discussion.  I understand now that he uses physical love to validate, to control.  He actually thought he was punishing me taking away the sex.  No, you idiot, it was the companionship that you took from me that hurt so deeply. Now that was my punishment!

My weakness has always been smart men with loads of brain power.  And, to my failing, a good-looking one! So I thought I had hit pay dirt when I seemingly had found both in one man given the demographics (7 to 1).  An intelligent man who can hold a conversation about nearly anything. Hallelujah! And you wonder why the other women did not affect me so much! I was in heaven! Then came hell!

We would talk for hours about politics and the state of the world. We would talk about food, animals, the neighbors, love and life.  Why would he be so foolish as to believe it was the sex?  With his plethora of women, he has come to believe that is what everyone wants from him.  He never realized for one moment that possibly that may not have been me, as well.

What I loved and enjoyed immensely were the text messages throughout the day, all day everyday. I loved the “good mornings honey, baby sweetie” every morning before 6:30 am.  I loved the way he made me laugh.  He was silly!  Once he made me laugh so hard, he had to catch me from falling out of his bed. So, dear narcissist don’t fool yourself — it may have been physical for you but it was not for me.

I even told him at one point, he was just not doing it for me.  I was not enjoying it.  On one occasion I said “I need a cup or two of passion with my sex.  No kissing, no foreplay — that does not work with me.”  As you can see, I was emerging from my fog. I am telling him what I think — not what he wants to hear. Of course, I am partly to blame for his outrageous thinking as I made all the funny noises and left him thinking he had rocked my world. But isn’t this just something some of us girls do from time to time. I know I do!

I am emerging from my fog.  I am finding my voice and reclaiming my power.  My narcissist, “the sex was robotic.  And, it didn’t seem like you were enjoying it all that much either.”  It was manual, manufactured robotic sex.  I could almost tell what move he would make and when.  It was always the same in the same place.  It was routine! And he thinks I am some sex-crazed woman. Seriously, my narcissist think! If you only knew that if that was all you had to offer me, I would not have been in this mess!

I get it now! According to Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisted, “[n]arcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.”  Bingo! I was right, he was not enjoying it. He was working!

On a couple of occasions, I ask to cuddle.  His response was hilarious. Yes, I laughed because it was funny. He behaved like Al Bundy.  You would have thought I asked for his worldly possessions. He whined. He actually whined! I could not help but laugh.

As I continue on my path to living a full and wonderful life, I realize his life will remain empty and void of true happiness and unconditional love.  I will achieve real happiness, the kind of happiness derived from loving one’s self, living a satisfying and fulfilling life, surrounded and loved by people who have depth and substance.  I will be spiritually sound and validated through these things — not by empty and robotic sex.

I don’t need sex!  I need emotional and spiritual love for my hot fudge sundae with or without the cherry on top.

Treat yourselves wonderfully!

I was not going to hurt…

I loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor feeling bad.  Sure we all do.  But some of us can stand it maybe a tad bit better than others.  I hate it!!!  What’s important here is not who can and who can’t as much as how much I hate it. I hate it so badly that it would become the catalyst I needed to find consolation, peace, solace, relief and happiness, someway, somehow, somewhere.  This girl was not going any further into the depths of misery than I had already gone.  Then I had allowed myself to be taken.  I was going to get out of misery. And, I was going to be better, get better and move on.

I simply … was … not … going … to … hurt another minute, hour, day or week.  So, I definitely wasn’t going to spend another year in the misery I had created for myself out of ignorance and as another blogger so aptly quoted the definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I had spent nearly all of my adult life in go-nowhere relationships with men who were either broken, wounded, emotionally unavailable and now I realize some may even have been narcissists, misogynists or even sociopaths. I made excuses, forgave not just poor behavior but bad behaviors.  I would say through all of the bad relationships, I now realize that the Saving Grace of my awesome God saved me over and over again.  Repeatedly, I was able to get out and move on with hardly any scars. I would continue to trust. I continued to believe in huMANity.  And, I continued to be in hurtful relationships!

My relationship with a narcissist has shown me how careless I had been with my heart.  I can still trust but I need to be more discerning.  I must believe what I see is what they are.  I must not make excuses for bad behavior.  If he is a lying, cheating, debaucherous, womanizing fool, I will accept that and keep on stepping. There is no other way! No excuses, no compromising. He is not the man for me. To simplify it, I don’t need him and I don’t want him.

As I sit here on another cold and blustery day — yep you guessed it with my Bailey’s and coffee — I write in my blog and read the writings of other sister friends in the struggle. And Lord knows being in a narcissistic relationship is a struggle.  It is one that will suck the life out of you.  It strikes at your very core.  It hurts you so deeply and so badly that you honestly believe the pain is physical! That was me in 2013.  That was my pain.  I was suffocating.

And then I decided I … was … not … going … to … hurt!  I … was … not … going … to … hurt another second. The pain had to go away and it had to go away right freaking now!  I set out on a mission to feel better.  I needed a plan.  First stage — counseling. I nearly ran into the counselor’s office!

At one point, I would beat myself up mercilessly for allowing such foolishness into my life. Sister friends and counselor urged me to stop blaming myself.  Little did I know then, that was yet another stage of my plan of action.  It actually helped in the healing. I needed to blame myself. Why? Because I was taking responsibility for my part in the nonsense.  I had watched this man and his shenanigan’s for ten years.  I knew better.  Good Lord what was I thinking?

I prayed and asked for guidance.  That guidance came in the form of showing me he was a narcissist.  Who knew?  Seems everyone but me.  When I realized narcissism was real, I saw him differently.  I saw him as flawed, as broken thereby a weak man.  I do not like weak men!  I no longer blamed me.  He was clinically ill.  There was nothing I had done to cause this.  I think sometimes I may have forgiven him before I forgave myself.  Forgiving myself was a bit of a challenge.  Forgiving him not so much.  He was a womanizer.  I knew that! Why? Now, that I did not know.

And then because I … was … not … going … to … hurt, I started to turn it all around to a positive. I needed this experience.  I needed something to bring me out of a fog that I was in that was only getting more and more dense. I needed a wake-up call.  The narcissist gave me just that. He made me realize that I deserve a wonderful, kind and loving man. One who does not wear a mask, one who does not lure you in and then BAM, the floor drops out from underneath you.

My relationship with this man caused me to have expectations.  It has changed me. I will never date a married man, a man who I know is in a committed relationship ever again.  I definitely will not be a part of anyone’s harem.  And, as far as the sex goes, he will have to work harder at it before I turn over my special lady parts.

I am now on the right track.  My self-esteem, my love for me improves daily.  Each and everyday I think of my wants and needs. I made a mistake.  But, I will not allow that faux pas to cause me any long-term damage.  I will move on to better and greater heights.  I will live better than I have ever thought I would or could.  And, I will spend how ever many days I need alone, absolving myself, loving myself and improving me.

No I … was … not … going … to … hurt any longer. I am going to be happy in love with me, my new best friend!

Treat yourselves better than well!  Treat yourselves WONDERFULLY!