Tag Archives: heartache

In 9 months, I could have

… had a baby.  Ok, I’m just kidding. You’ve determine from my last post, this girl is a bit too old for that.  I could have visited several countries. I could have remodeled my entire home.  There was so much I could have done in 9 months.

What I did with 9 months was rid myself of the negativity, the all-encompassing fog and a narcissist that I had foolishly allowed in my life.  I reclaimed myself. I reclaimed my life.

For 9  months (and a few days), I would not speak to him even if I were face-to-face.  If by happenstance, I saw him, I casually looked away. I made it obvious that there was nothing here for him.  I went into full-blown No Contact.

When I first began reading blog after blog about narcissism and those who possess this personality disorder, I could not fathom how not speaking to a person would allow me the freedom from the emotions, the pain and the unsettled spirit I was experiencing.  I was not a proponent.  I tried semi-no contact but generally failed. I foolishly told myself we could be friends. That didn’t work.   (Another blogger wrote friendship is nothing more than a license to disrespect.)  She was right.  We could be neighbors.  Plain ol’ foolishness.  What made my situation relatively unique is the narcissist who invaded my life lived but a stone’s throw away from my front door. With my emotions being what they were, I needed to close this chapter for once and for all.  Somehow, someway.

There is nothing like an impetus to give you what you need to do what you need to do!  Who would have thought that $2.50 would bring me to my senses, would be that force of energy I so desperately needed.  Yes, $2.50!  How silly is that. With all the crab legs, Bailey’s and coffee, lamb chops, and home-cooked meals,  that I had freely given and lovingly prepared for him, it took a $2.50 plant to set me straight, put me on the right path.

I had purchased plants for both of us. They were on sale for something like 75% off.  They were tropical plants that would need to be taken inside from the brutal winters in my state.  One beautiful summer day, while we were discussing the plants, he casually informs me he was going to give the plant to his ‘friend’ when he dug it up.  His ‘friend’ is code word for one of his many lovers. And, I remind you all that he has many.  I counted 20 once (I’ll explain this later, another blog, another day).

I was horrified, not as much because he was going to give the plant to another woman, but because he saw absolutely nothing wrong with telling me. I remarked to him that he was not giving anything away that I had purchased.  The next verbal exchange was even more mind blowing.  I commented “I’m selfish like that”.  Ready for this … he agreed.  Seriously! Of course, I was kidding but he wasn’t.  He actually considered me selfish because this one time I was not going to be the idiot that I had been since December 2012. I was not giving him carte blanche to give something to another woman that I had purchased for him.

What happens next nailed it for me.  One of his lovers came over, parked her car and they drove off for a day of fun and sun. It was a beautiful day. Sun was shining. It was hot. And, I would have also loved to have enjoyed the day as well with someone special. I would realize later that I had hit my bottom with this insanity.  I felt lost, downtrodden and bereft. There was a knot in the pit of my stomach. If you were to ask me that day would I survive this onslaught on my feelings, on my heart, would I get through the day, I would have told you NO.  I did not think I could have felt any worse than I did that very moment.

I called a sister friend.  She arrives (unexpectedly) with a bottle of Margarita in tow. I drank a glass or two. We ate.  She left. I got in my bed and just simply felt bad. There is no other word to describe how I felt. I just felt bad. I would repeatedly ask myself how could someone you treat so well, treat you so badly.

I had allowed myself to be disrespected so many times but this would be the last time.  And, not just by him, by anyone. I was determined to turn this around.  As I said in a previous blog I was not going to hurt … another second, another minute, another hour or another day . This would be the day I’d find the determination I needed, the determination I lacked when I proclaimed I was going to stop hurting!

I woke up that next morning and began an amazing journey. He text, I did not respond. He called, I did not answer. I saw him, I did not speak. I was done, done, and DONE!

For the next 9 months, he was invisible.  I went about healing my heart, my soul and my  mind.  It was exhilarating.  I knew my real challenge would come when the weather broke. The weather broke. I remained determined to shut this individual out of my life.

Of course, being the girl that I am, I had to test my resolve.  So, after 9 months and some days, I sent him a text. Of course, this was after he playfully threw rocks while I was walking my dog.  It was after he yelled “boo” out of the window.  It was even after he had called claiming I had dropped a $20 bill while I was walking my pooch one Sunday morning.  He could keep the $20. I texted him the day, he repeatedly honked his horn while I was again walking my dog.  He pounced on that text.

We began to chat a little. I made sure it was always initiated by him. I discovered I was no longer affected by his fake charm. And of course, he turned it on. He tried to entice and seduce me but I knew better this time.   I certainly thought more of myself.  He asked me over but I effortlessly declined.  I was not going to start anything back up with him. No way, no how. (More on this another blog, another day.)

I realized more than anything was though I had a scar, a pretty deep one, my feelings toward him had drastically changed.  I saw him for the person that he was.  A womanizing, misogynistic, narcissist who preys on women.

After watching the women come and go … sometimes it would be months before they would reappear, I decided I was the one who would never go back to such a dark and ugly place with such a dark and ugly person.  I did not need to feel so badly about myself, so trapped and lost ever again.

It has been three months of periodic chatting. Now, however, I realize I just simply do not like him as a person. It defies all odds, everything we believe, everything we know to be true in this life, to continue to tolerate someone treating us badly, with such little disregard for our feelings.

I no longer care why he behaves the way he does. I am not trying to figure out the pathology of his disorder.  I am only concerned with …

Treating Myself Wonderfully Each and Every Day.


I was not going to hurt…

I loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor feeling bad.  Sure we all do.  But some of us can stand it maybe a tad bit better than others.  I hate it!!!  What’s important here is not who can and who can’t as much as how much I hate it. I hate it so badly that it would become the catalyst I needed to find consolation, peace, solace, relief and happiness, someway, somehow, somewhere.  This girl was not going any further into the depths of misery than I had already gone.  Then I had allowed myself to be taken.  I was going to get out of misery. And, I was going to be better, get better and move on.

I simply … was … not … going … to … hurt another minute, hour, day or week.  So, I definitely wasn’t going to spend another year in the misery I had created for myself out of ignorance and as another blogger so aptly quoted the definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I had spent nearly all of my adult life in go-nowhere relationships with men who were either broken, wounded, emotionally unavailable and now I realize some may even have been narcissists, misogynists or even sociopaths. I made excuses, forgave not just poor behavior but bad behaviors.  I would say through all of the bad relationships, I now realize that the Saving Grace of my awesome God saved me over and over again.  Repeatedly, I was able to get out and move on with hardly any scars. I would continue to trust. I continued to believe in huMANity.  And, I continued to be in hurtful relationships!

My relationship with a narcissist has shown me how careless I had been with my heart.  I can still trust but I need to be more discerning.  I must believe what I see is what they are.  I must not make excuses for bad behavior.  If he is a lying, cheating, debaucherous, womanizing fool, I will accept that and keep on stepping. There is no other way! No excuses, no compromising. He is not the man for me. To simplify it, I don’t need him and I don’t want him.

As I sit here on another cold and blustery day — yep you guessed it with my Bailey’s and coffee — I write in my blog and read the writings of other sister friends in the struggle. And Lord knows being in a narcissistic relationship is a struggle.  It is one that will suck the life out of you.  It strikes at your very core.  It hurts you so deeply and so badly that you honestly believe the pain is physical! That was me in 2013.  That was my pain.  I was suffocating.

And then I decided I … was … not … going … to … hurt!  I … was … not … going … to … hurt another second. The pain had to go away and it had to go away right freaking now!  I set out on a mission to feel better.  I needed a plan.  First stage — counseling. I nearly ran into the counselor’s office!

At one point, I would beat myself up mercilessly for allowing such foolishness into my life. Sister friends and counselor urged me to stop blaming myself.  Little did I know then, that was yet another stage of my plan of action.  It actually helped in the healing. I needed to blame myself. Why? Because I was taking responsibility for my part in the nonsense.  I had watched this man and his shenanigan’s for ten years.  I knew better.  Good Lord what was I thinking?

I prayed and asked for guidance.  That guidance came in the form of showing me he was a narcissist.  Who knew?  Seems everyone but me.  When I realized narcissism was real, I saw him differently.  I saw him as flawed, as broken thereby a weak man.  I do not like weak men!  I no longer blamed me.  He was clinically ill.  There was nothing I had done to cause this.  I think sometimes I may have forgiven him before I forgave myself.  Forgiving myself was a bit of a challenge.  Forgiving him not so much.  He was a womanizer.  I knew that! Why? Now, that I did not know.

And then because I … was … not … going … to … hurt, I started to turn it all around to a positive. I needed this experience.  I needed something to bring me out of a fog that I was in that was only getting more and more dense. I needed a wake-up call.  The narcissist gave me just that. He made me realize that I deserve a wonderful, kind and loving man. One who does not wear a mask, one who does not lure you in and then BAM, the floor drops out from underneath you.

My relationship with this man caused me to have expectations.  It has changed me. I will never date a married man, a man who I know is in a committed relationship ever again.  I definitely will not be a part of anyone’s harem.  And, as far as the sex goes, he will have to work harder at it before I turn over my special lady parts.

I am now on the right track.  My self-esteem, my love for me improves daily.  Each and everyday I think of my wants and needs. I made a mistake.  But, I will not allow that faux pas to cause me any long-term damage.  I will move on to better and greater heights.  I will live better than I have ever thought I would or could.  And, I will spend how ever many days I need alone, absolving myself, loving myself and improving me.

No I … was … not … going … to … hurt any longer. I am going to be happy in love with me, my new best friend!

Treat yourselves better than well!  Treat yourselves WONDERFULLY!

Just when I thought…

He really likes her, that one is gone and a new one appears or an old one reappears!

Despite everything I’ve read and everything my counselor and I have discussed, I would often think OMG, it’s just me he didn’t really like.  He really likes her. Again, that freaking negative committee was trying to convene a meeting in my head. The reality is he is a narcissist, plain and simple. Nothing more nothing less.  He likes no one for any length of time.

During the fall of last year the man, who has a different woman in his bed every night, was spending two, three times a week with one particular woman.  She would spend a night in the middle of the week and a weekend.  Did I give any credence to the fact that when she wasn’t there, another of his lovers was.  Nope!

I convinced myself he really likes this one.  In my despair, the girlfriends and my counselor would console me “he doesn’t like anybody, he does not have the capacity“.  They would remind me that earlier in the summer just when I thought he liked someone else, she was gone and a new/old one is now seemingly sharing his bed. Never mind the girlfriends were right!  I paid them no attention.

He likes her, I am certain of it, I would tell them.  I was driving myself batty.  What’s wrong with me?  What did I do wrong for him to change so abruptly? Why doesn’t he like me?  What changed?  My self-esteem bottomed-out.  It was gone, vamoosed, it had left the building.  I was even so silly I began to think the sex with me was the problem.  I conjured up 999 reasons and at the root of every single one of those reasons I blamed me. Yes, I was a silly girl.

No one could tell me any differently.  I started writing my book “If it looks like … a pig“.  Little did I know it would help me tremendously.  I was telling my story that I desperately needed to tell.  I poured my heart and soul in that book.  I laced it with the text messages which had gone from wonderful to non-caring, sometimes mean-spirited.  I was desperate to get back what I thought I had.

I came home one evening after a counseling session and that blasted car I knew so well was at his house. It took me to the darkest place I had ever been.  Despite all of life’s ups and downs, I don’t remember ever having felt this sad, miserable, dejected, downhearted, dispirited, heavy-hearted or desolate. I was nearly despondent.  I am certain my fellow bloggers many of you can understand the pain I was in that evening.  It was suffocating.

In my despair, I sent the following email to my counselor:  “I know now what the source of the problem is. I know that I cannot get past this until I tell the truth. I am in love with this man. I should not be. I’ve known it and just hated to say it aloud or admit.  Sorry to be such a pest this weekend but …”

Her response I now realize was my first glimpse into narcissism:  I know you are in love with an image–a man who looks good, has a good job, takes care of his home, loves music you love, can hold intelligent conversations. That is his mask. But that is what you deserve through and through in a man–not a man in a mask. Keep up the good work.

That Friday evening/Saturday morning nearly took me out! It was so bad that I text him after two months of no contact.  I had to know if I wanted him, could I have him.  So, I sent him a text to  which he responded almost immediately.

ME:  I love you! I realize you’re into someone else but it does not change how I feel.
ME: Does that mean you miss me?
ME: Say something!!??!!

And just when I thought it was her he cared for, the Narcissist responds Yes I miss you.

ME: I am heartbroken and saddened at what we have become. I don’t want us to be mad at each other. I really am in love with you. I can deal with that. But barely speaking hurts.
NARCISSIST: Let’s talk later
ME: You will text or call?
NARCISSIST: I’ll call you

All this while she is in his house with him!  You know the one, the one I had convinced myself he cared so much for.  Not only did he respond but then made plans to get together with me later that evening.  Silly me, thought I had won something.  I was victorious!  Whatever!

That victorious feeling was temporary! The shenanigans resumed, and I was still holding on — to nothing, I might add!

For the next several months, I continued to try to feel better.  It would not be until New Year’s Day 2014, the “mask” reference made sense.  He was a narcissist.  A genuine, honest-to-goodness narcissist.  I discovered the many blogs that evening after I penned “A letter to my narcissist lover …” which I had every intention of mailing to him.  However, after reading one of the blogs, I opted not. The blogger wrote that you should write a letter but not mail it.  Letter written – check!

I know it was nothing but God’s Saving Grace that led me to the many great blogs.  I found consolation. I found I was not alone.  I began to find me!

As I poured through the blogs, I was reading my story, my experience.  The abrupt manner in which they cut off contact — stop texting, no attention. The lies.  The heartless disregard for your feelings.  I was up until the wee hours of the morning absorbing blog-after-blog about narcissism.  This is when everything began to turnaround. It was that night when I absolved myself of any wrongdoing. I get it!  He is wounded and handicapped.  There is nothing wrong with me but everything is wrong with him!

What makes my situation kind of unique — I see what he does! I can even hear if the window is open. I saw a woman lean over and kiss him once.  I saw more than any woman deserves to see.

Now he is at it again with the re-emergence of a previous lover.  And, although she was there last night, earlier yesterday, he had propositioned me.  No, thank you.  I don’t want any.  It is effortless to say ‘no’ as I am now repulsed by his behavior.

And, just when I thought he really liked her … someone else is seemingly sharing his bed tonight!

Treat yourselves well!

Surviving the Narcissist …

I read this today and thought how apropos it was for those of us who have experienced and survived (or will survive — yes you will) relationships with a narcissist.

The negative committee was convening a meeting inside my head this morning.  So, I pounded the gavel and dismissed the meeting.  I got out bed, showered, dressed, walked my puppy and decided to do something constructive.  I remembered the old adage “an idle mind is the devil’s playhouse”!  Devil, you will not make my head your playhouse.  Not today, you won’t.

This morning was kind of interesting as I found myself nearly face-to-face with one of his lovers who had seemingly shared his bed last night.

As I was leaving home, I ran into his overnight guest.  The one who had been out-of-the-picture and re-emerged last weekend.  I used to envy her spending time with a man for whom I shared a weakness.  Not any longer.  While I don’t pity her, I do think to myself … if you only knew, you would have stayed gone.

I am not only surviving my relationship with a narcissist but I have renewed strength and love for myself.

1. I have made peace with my past and my recent faux pas.  I will not allow this to define me. I have moved on. More importantly and the hardest part for me was to forgive myself! I am forgiven.

2. What others think of me does not concern me.  It is none of my business. It is difficult for someone like me who doesn’t want others to know how foolish I have been, given the knowledge I possessed! I realize now that others can only understand what I felt if they experienced the same pain.  A relationship with a narcissist has its own brand of pain.

3.  Time heals almost everything, give it time.  I gave myself healing time.  I embraced my heartache. I did not run from it.  I grieved (and did I grieve).  I deserved to grieve a little, however, I refused to let it linger.

4.  I no longer compare my life to others and though being non-judgmental was  a catalyst for my error in judgment, I am striving to be more discerning.  I realize this has been my journey and my journey alone.  I don’t expect others to understand it.  My focused is solely on me and making sense of my life’s journey.

5.  I work diligently on ceasing playing around in my head most of the time.  I am one who wants to know all the answers. And, I want to know them now.  I realize now that God is there, watching over me and gives me what I need when I need it.  Those answers I seek, He will give them to me in his own time, not mine!

6.  I am solely, unequivocally responsible for my happiness. After all it is my happiness. I promise myself to work at being happy everyday of my life. it becomes easier and easier each day.

7.  I am smiling and laughing more.  The problems in the world do not belong to me.  I cannot and will not carry the world’s burdens on my shoulders. They are too narrow.  Besides … do I really want to anyway?  Mmmmm Nope!

And, I added a few of my own as I heal from my narcissistic relationship.

8. I remind myself every single day of my attributes. I am attractive, smart, fun-loving, genuine, warm and caring.

9. I made a negative experience, a positive … I am a better me.  My positives have surfaced.  I have new-found self-esteemed. And, I love me!

10. I have expectations.  I did NOT have them before my narcissist.  I do now!  I expect any man in my life to treat me with love and respect.  And, I will not be a member of anybody’s harem!

11. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve all of God’s many blessings!

12. As another blogger stated, I will not allow him to live a better life than me.  I have discovered me in the midst of his chaos.

You can too!

Treat yourselves well!

A letter to my narcissist lover …

Dear My Narcissist Lover:

It is January 1st.  Happy New Year!

I’m lying here reflecting over the past year. I think about how this time last year, you were in hot pursuit of my affections. (I have the texts to prove it) I think about how I didn’t even know you were interested in me ‘like that’ until you made it quite clear. You know what I mean. It was fun. I loved the attention and soon got used to it. Despite my intimate knowledge of your many lovers, I figured what the hell, I can do this. As long as I knew you liked me and had a modicum of respect for my feelings, what you did with others just did not seem to matter. I jumped in with both feet with full disclosure. Do I have any regrets? Nope, not really.

Then you took the attention away. You withdrew suddenly, literally overnight. Why I will never know. It happened so abruptly. I tried for weeks to get you to talk about it but you would not. I gave up realizing you would never discuss it with me.

You were fun and engaging. You’re still fun and engaging when you want to be. When we started, you told me that we could never be mad at each other. What you meant then is I could never be mad at you! I agree. We can’t. I have never really been angry with you but I have been sometimes hurt and in wonderment at how you can do some of the things you do with me right here, literally at your door. But oh well, such is life. You have every right to live your life as you see fit, as you desire. It is your home! I get that!

I have been harassing you all day today — New Year’s Day. You’re with another of your many lovers who has spent New Year’s Eve night and is still there 6:30 this evening. Lucky girl, I guess. Parts of me feel that I am entitled to act up sometimes since you started something that you probably should not have given our proximity, and realizing that I would know when you have company.  I can even hear your voices.

Why am I writing this ‘letter’? I was just thinking how badly I felt all summer. I watched you drive off with different women, knowing that I had never been in your car and probably never will. I remember like it was yesterday the very first time I saw someone get in your car and the two of your drive off. I felt as though I had been stabbed in the chest. It nearly suffocated me. Seriously! It was heartbreaking. It was the week of your birthday. It went on all week. It would become commonplace. I watched you and the Them throughout the summer. First one, then another. 

Then there’s the Saturday afternoon, I was getting ready to walk out my front door when I saw you and your friend in another red car driving off. I ducked back inside my home. It was too late though. I had already saw more than I cared to see. Then the next Saturday, a beautiful Saturday afternoon, I watched the two of you driving off again. All the while knowing you knew and just seemed to not care.

I remember the day we made plans for dinner. I didn’t realize it was your birthday week when we made the plans. I was stunned when you canceled on me and then yet another of your lovers was over that evening. Wow! I immediately thought it was something wrong with me that you would do such a thing, in my face no less. Then you would do it again and again. I must admit every time you canceled on me and had someone else over the same evening, I became increasingly more immune to it. As I would become more immune, it appeared there was more and more to become immune to.

I see things without trying. I can see your patio from my bedroom window. At first, I did not realize it was your patio until I saw you entertaining on it. Needless to say I stopped looking out my bedroom window, at least in that direction. Imagine my reaction when I discovered it was your patio and you and the Them I was looking at. Funny thing is I enjoy looking out windows especially in the summer. I like doors open, open blinds and looking out into the world. This became so uncomfortable that I don’t open my front blinds anymore and now keep the side blinds closed. If you recall, my side blinds used to remain open all the time.

I hear things I don’t want to hear. People calling your name and knocking on all of your doors late in the evening. Someone apparently thought she was supposed to be in your bed that evening. I had to close my bedroom window which I like to keep open for fresh air.

You would avoid and ignore me most of the summer. I thought it was silly, but oh well! I, in turn, would spend a part of the summer in my house, blinds closed and not venturing out unless I absolutely had to. I avoided seeing you and the Them as much as possible. I would go out the back. I would walk in another complex. I had to avoid seeing things that I didn’t want to see. Since you were not going to take my feelings into consideration, I had to. I am an emotional being. Always have been and always will be. I like that about me for the most part. But it does have its downside — feelings.

Broken promises, canceled commitments. I wanted to do dinner. You said yes but never committed. I wanted to go to Vegas, you said yes and again would not commit to a date. I used to think it was me but I realize now it is not me at all. I love you and would do anything for you. That is a fact. You know that! But then again you have so many who would do anything for you that probably does not matter.

Making and breaking promises is unfair and hurtful. On December 12th, you promised to have dinner with me. A dinner you’ve been saying we were going to do since before Thanksgiving! Today is January 1st and the food is still in my freezer. What was so hurtful about December 12th? You sent me a text “NOT TODAY, I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT”. Yelling at me for no reason and less than 24 hours after I had done you a favor. It was humiliating. This, I did not deserve!

2014 will be different for me. I will not think it is something wrong with me, in me that provokes your behavior. I know it is not! I will not feel badly because I think you could treat me better. You know you could. I will treat me better.

You know or should have known that having a relationship under these circumstances requires communication, other than our usual banter about politics and boys and girls. When one of your lovers pulled into my parking space, you should have had the consideration to apologize, to understand why it would be so upsetting. You did not. I knew she and I were involved with the same man. How would I not know she didn’t. How would I not know it was coincidental? You and I would not speak again for two months — not until I broke the ice that had developed between us. You should have broken it. You should have wanted to clear the air if not but for we are neighbors first!

You should be comfortable to tell me anything. Anything at all. Instead you cancel on me and have someone else over with little consideration to me. You have to know I would see. You cannot feel good about making me feel bad. Can you?

I would never embarrass you or me in our community, in our homes, where we live, amongst our neighbors. Others may. I, however, would not. I take what you dish out and keep moving, hoping you’ll be better and treat me as the friend that I am, that I have been!

Sometimes you seem to avoid me as if I am always wanting to have a conversation or spend time with you. It is not like that at all. Just like you, this is my home. I like my peace and quiet too. I don’t always feel that you wanna see me and you should not feel that I always wanna converse with you or see you either. When I come home from work, I wanna unwind. go in my house, and do whatever. I am not always trying to be a part of your life, in your life or in your bed. So please stop ducking and dodging, avoiding me. It really is not necessary. I expect you to say hello when our paths cross, that’s it. That’s just the right thing to do. After all, we are neighbors.

Am I upset? Nope. Just getting some things out in the open as we enter into a New Year that we should be grateful we were allowed to see. I love New Years. It is a time to start over. A time for reflection and hope. A time to do things differently.

I love you dearly as a friend and as a lover. I would do nothing to hurt you. I would hope that going forward you give me the same consideration in return by doing what you can to soften the hurt feelings. Be considerate and conscious of our proximity. Don’t make promises that you are unwilling to keep. To put it bluntly, don’t be such a bastard to me. It is unnecessary and unwarranted. I don’t deserve it and will no longer tolerate it. It is but a small favor to ask.

Today, I am providing you with the opportunity to change the course of the relationship. I am happy being friends and neighbors. In fact, I want us to be friends. That is important to me.You will always be a cherished and dear friend of mine regardless.

Lastly, I wish you a wonderful and Happy New Year filled with the promise of love, prosperity and hope! It is a wonderful time for new beginnings and new long-lasting friendships.”

My blinds are open and I am using the front door!!

Treat yourselves well!!!

The best feeling..

The best feeling is when you have awakened from the fog.  When you realize your mistakes are just that mistakes, designed to make you better.  I now realize this is one more life lesson.  Nothing more, nothing less!  I read somewhere recently that without our mistakes, we cannot grow. I believe this to be a truth.  Certainly, in my case, this mistake has allowed me a growth opportunity that I had not dreamed of.  I have evolved.

It is the best feeling when you are no longer beating yourself up for caring about someone who is so callous and unworthy of love, especially mine!  It is the best feeling when you realize you are free.  Free of the nonsense that possessed you for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days.

You think about all the days and nights your only one thought was “What Happened”.  You begin to realize you may never have the answer to that question and then you torment yourself further trying to figure out why he won’t give you the answers you need for closure.  It was torture! This was my life for 317 days in 2013.  With each passing day of 2014, I have been feeling better.  45 days and counting!  Then on February 15th, I had the best feeling.  That was the day I knew I had survived my relationship with a narcissist.  That was the day I was me again — only this time an even better me!

Despite the intimate knowledge I had of the many women in his life, seemingly sharing his bed, I allowed him to penetrate my peaceful existence and leave me wondering “what just happened”, “what did I do wrong”. There were days when I felt I would never be at peace again.  I felt bereft and as if I had been hit by an 18-wheeler.

The irony in all of this is despite my ignorance of narcissism, I knew something was wrong. I just did not know what.  I began thinking it was something wrong with me, that I had done something unforgivable for him to change so abruptly, to shut me out with no explanation. My self-esteem took a major hit.  Although I was watching the women come and go on a daily basis, I still wanted him. Or did I?  At some point, I knew I did not want him but just could not let him go. If he called I went despite the change in my feelings.

I was so happy for three months.  I loved the playfulness, the joking, the attention he paid.  So, when it came to a screeching halt with no warning, why would I not be devastated.  Why would I not grieve? And, did I grieve. I missed him every single day!

That was yesterday.  These are new days for me.  They are days when I continue to have the best feeling about me, who I am, what I want and what I want to be.  I have ended “no contact”, but I am in no danger of surrendering to his charms.  And, he is one charming man, good looking to boot!  I ended “No contact” simply because we can never be enemies for an obvious reason.  We live too close!  I need to be able to come home without a knot in my stomach, without avoiding him or worrying who’s he with today! It is important that we forge a “friendship”. While it may be difficult to do so with someone of his ilk, I believe it can be done.

I no longer miss the times we had together.  I definitely do not miss the feelings of dread knowing someone is sharing his bed. In fact, now I care less.  And, that is the best feeling.  I am even able to tell him ‘no’.  Now that really is the best feeling.  Saying ‘no’ to someone who is only accustomed to your catering to their wants and needs on demand is the best indication you are no longer a member of his club, his rotating harem! I have extracated myself from the shenanigan’s.  I have grown! Do I care if if there is or will be a punishment for my outright insolence.  Mmmmm, nope!  As a close friend says often “he is not the boss of me”.

It is the best feeling … when you can thank your narcissist for bringing out the best in you, allowing you to see who you really are, who you were really meant to be! I realize now who I am and what I enjoy.  That is my writing.  The affair with a narcissist inspired me to write.  It, at first, eased the pain.  It was therapeutic and detoxing.  Now it is just pure and simple enjoyment.  I am in love with my writing!  I love my blog! I have found my passion.  I write when I am sad. I write when I am feeling good.  I am writing now because I have the best feeling and want to share.  I want to write love letters. I want to write letters to my friends.  My first novella even emerged from the ashes of this affair.

I was talking to a co-worker just today.  She sews and she iterated with so much love her passion for sewing.  I get it.  I realized at that very moment during that conversation, I have that same passion only it is to write.  Can I ever thank him enough for awakening that passion?  Absolutely not.

It is the best feeling … when you not only feel better but good; when you are, in fact, happy with your life!  I have a renewed sense of self-esteem, something that has eluded me most of my life.  I feel good about me. I awaken everyday, looking at myself and realizing what an attractive, smart and loving individual I am. This is the best feeling — to feel better, to feel good. I have lost the emotions that oftentimes were consuming me, that were suffocating me.  I remember with a sting in my heart those days when I thought I could not breathe because of his shenanigan’s!

I told him yesterday — him, me and that thing we used to do — we will not do that anymore.  I don’t even want to do that with him again. I see him now for the narcissist he his and while I will always love him as a friend, I will never allow myself again to be a part of his rotating harem.

So I write this to say thank you to my narcissist for making me better, my life better, for discovering what really turns me on!  And, it is not him!  It is a love that will not betray, a passion that will be there as long as I want — it is to write!

Remember this — Surviving a relationship with a narcissist is difficult but it is doable.  You only need to reach down into the depths of your soul and retrieve that part of you that was lost when you embarked on the insanity.  It is the part of you that makes you breath every single day.  It is your survivor instincts.  You have them.  Now use them!  Then and only then, will you experience the best feeling!

One thing I always knew I WANTED was to feel good.  I did not want to be in a fog. I did not want to suffer from an immense heartache.  I wanted to breathe deeply.  He simply could not have my very essence.  I could not allow my very spirit to be tampered with by someone who is possibly without a soul.

I, however, have a soul. And, a great big ol’ loving heart!

Treat yourselves well.

Saving Grace…

I woke up on Valentine’s Day with somewhat of a heavy heart.  So I wrote.  I concerned myself with whether the narcissist that was in my life would be spending the day with a particular one of the many, many women who seemingly share his bed.  (After all, it is a different woman every night.)  I think I can accurately say it is two a day since one leaves in the morning and another comes in the evening.  Wow!  Who does that!

I know I should not care but this specific one just always grated on my nerves. Could it have anything to do with her once parking in my parking space?  Could it have something to do with my believing he had real feelings for her?  He does outwardly seem to spend time moreso with her than the others.  Or, is it just plain old-fashioned jealousy?  Who knows?  I was never a jealous women before him, why would I be so now?

So, I penned a peaceful prayer (see February 14, 2014 blog entry) to my blog to help get me through the day.

When I arrived home from work, just as I thought, she was there.  I knew she would be.  I always felt that he really liked her.   Was this validation?  Forgetting everything that I have read, all of the counseling confirming that he is a bona fide narcissist, I continued to harbor feelings that he really liked this one.  Why didn’t he like me as much?  Should I even care, seeing what I see, knowing what I know?  Absolutely not!

What happens next, I know in my heart, is a sign from God.  A sign from the heavens above.  I receive three texts from him, nothing personal, just the usual neighborhood gossip.  I had previously cut off all contact with him, with the exception of texting him the previous day with mundane gossip.  Why is he texting me if she’s there with him?  How disrespectful but so like him. He’s text others numerous times in my presence.  I thought she was more special and me not so much.

I thought to myself “God had answered my prayer and gave me a sign to rest my weary spirit” showing me that this man is just what I thought him to be — a narcissist, a misogynist!  He simply does not have and will never have the capacity to care for anyone, not me, not her, not any of the many women traipsing in and out of his home daily.

What happens next is clearly a sign from God.  Clearly, my prayers being answered and my spirit being put to rest.  Just in case, I did not get the message last night with the texting, I know it was nothing but God’s Saving Grace sending me yet another sign tonight.  One of his lovers from nearly six months ago reappears!  She is back!  How do I feel?  I feel fine!  I feel relieved!  I feel vindicated!  I am free of the insanity that ruled my life for nine months!  He is unequivocally a narcissist.  A narcissist to his very core.

I was beginning to doubt if he was and thought there may have been a possibility that I was placating myself with the whole “narcissist” thing DESPITE his possessing nearly all of the characteristics. Reading some of the stories of other women involved with these hideous individuals, I realized their experiences were nearly identical to mine.  I could have written the exact same story with minimal changes!  Still, I had my doubts!  Not any more!

I feel so much better now knowing that I have rid my soul, my heart, my spirit and my mind of the foolishness. I am thankful to God for giving me the insight HE knew I needed to cease with the self-doubt.  I did nothing wrong but trusted an individual unworthy of my trust.  Spent valuable time catering to an individual who was churlish, mean-spirited and lacked the most common of social graces.

It feels good to feel good after so many months of nursing a heartache! It feels good to be on the right path. It feels good to have renewed self-esteem!

In the words of the late, great James Brown — I feel good!!!

Treat yourselves well!