A letter to my narcissist lover …

Dear My Narcissist Lover:

It is January 1st.  Happy New Year!

I’m lying here reflecting over the past year. I think about how this time last year, you were in hot pursuit of my affections. (I have the texts to prove it) I think about how I didn’t even know you were interested in me ‘like that’ until you made it quite clear. You know what I mean. It was fun. I loved the attention and soon got used to it. Despite my intimate knowledge of your many lovers, I figured what the hell, I can do this. As long as I knew you liked me and had a modicum of respect for my feelings, what you did with others just did not seem to matter. I jumped in with both feet with full disclosure. Do I have any regrets? Nope, not really.

Then you took the attention away. You withdrew suddenly, literally overnight. Why I will never know. It happened so abruptly. I tried for weeks to get you to talk about it but you would not. I gave up realizing you would never discuss it with me.

You were fun and engaging. You’re still fun and engaging when you want to be. When we started, you told me that we could never be mad at each other. What you meant then is I could never be mad at you! I agree. We can’t. I have never really been angry with you but I have been sometimes hurt and in wonderment at how you can do some of the things you do with me right here, literally at your door. But oh well, such is life. You have every right to live your life as you see fit, as you desire. It is your home! I get that!

I have been harassing you all day today — New Year’s Day. You’re with another of your many lovers who has spent New Year’s Eve night and is still there 6:30 this evening. Lucky girl, I guess. Parts of me feel that I am entitled to act up sometimes since you started something that you probably should not have given our proximity, and realizing that I would know when you have company.  I can even hear your voices.

Why am I writing this ‘letter’? I was just thinking how badly I felt all summer. I watched you drive off with different women, knowing that I had never been in your car and probably never will. I remember like it was yesterday the very first time I saw someone get in your car and the two of your drive off. I felt as though I had been stabbed in the chest. It nearly suffocated me. Seriously! It was heartbreaking. It was the week of your birthday. It went on all week. It would become commonplace. I watched you and the Them throughout the summer. First one, then another. 

Then there’s the Saturday afternoon, I was getting ready to walk out my front door when I saw you and your friend in another red car driving off. I ducked back inside my home. It was too late though. I had already saw more than I cared to see. Then the next Saturday, a beautiful Saturday afternoon, I watched the two of you driving off again. All the while knowing you knew and just seemed to not care.

I remember the day we made plans for dinner. I didn’t realize it was your birthday week when we made the plans. I was stunned when you canceled on me and then yet another of your lovers was over that evening. Wow! I immediately thought it was something wrong with me that you would do such a thing, in my face no less. Then you would do it again and again. I must admit every time you canceled on me and had someone else over the same evening, I became increasingly more immune to it. As I would become more immune, it appeared there was more and more to become immune to.

I see things without trying. I can see your patio from my bedroom window. At first, I did not realize it was your patio until I saw you entertaining on it. Needless to say I stopped looking out my bedroom window, at least in that direction. Imagine my reaction when I discovered it was your patio and you and the Them I was looking at. Funny thing is I enjoy looking out windows especially in the summer. I like doors open, open blinds and looking out into the world. This became so uncomfortable that I don’t open my front blinds anymore and now keep the side blinds closed. If you recall, my side blinds used to remain open all the time.

I hear things I don’t want to hear. People calling your name and knocking on all of your doors late in the evening. Someone apparently thought she was supposed to be in your bed that evening. I had to close my bedroom window which I like to keep open for fresh air.

You would avoid and ignore me most of the summer. I thought it was silly, but oh well! I, in turn, would spend a part of the summer in my house, blinds closed and not venturing out unless I absolutely had to. I avoided seeing you and the Them as much as possible. I would go out the back. I would walk in another complex. I had to avoid seeing things that I didn’t want to see. Since you were not going to take my feelings into consideration, I had to. I am an emotional being. Always have been and always will be. I like that about me for the most part. But it does have its downside — feelings.

Broken promises, canceled commitments. I wanted to do dinner. You said yes but never committed. I wanted to go to Vegas, you said yes and again would not commit to a date. I used to think it was me but I realize now it is not me at all. I love you and would do anything for you. That is a fact. You know that! But then again you have so many who would do anything for you that probably does not matter.

Making and breaking promises is unfair and hurtful. On December 12th, you promised to have dinner with me. A dinner you’ve been saying we were going to do since before Thanksgiving! Today is January 1st and the food is still in my freezer. What was so hurtful about December 12th? You sent me a text “NOT TODAY, I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT”. Yelling at me for no reason and less than 24 hours after I had done you a favor. It was humiliating. This, I did not deserve!

2014 will be different for me. I will not think it is something wrong with me, in me that provokes your behavior. I know it is not! I will not feel badly because I think you could treat me better. You know you could. I will treat me better.

You know or should have known that having a relationship under these circumstances requires communication, other than our usual banter about politics and boys and girls. When one of your lovers pulled into my parking space, you should have had the consideration to apologize, to understand why it would be so upsetting. You did not. I knew she and I were involved with the same man. How would I not know she didn’t. How would I not know it was coincidental? You and I would not speak again for two months — not until I broke the ice that had developed between us. You should have broken it. You should have wanted to clear the air if not but for we are neighbors first!

You should be comfortable to tell me anything. Anything at all. Instead you cancel on me and have someone else over with little consideration to me. You have to know I would see. You cannot feel good about making me feel bad. Can you?

I would never embarrass you or me in our community, in our homes, where we live, amongst our neighbors. Others may. I, however, would not. I take what you dish out and keep moving, hoping you’ll be better and treat me as the friend that I am, that I have been!

Sometimes you seem to avoid me as if I am always wanting to have a conversation or spend time with you. It is not like that at all. Just like you, this is my home. I like my peace and quiet too. I don’t always feel that you wanna see me and you should not feel that I always wanna converse with you or see you either. When I come home from work, I wanna unwind. go in my house, and do whatever. I am not always trying to be a part of your life, in your life or in your bed. So please stop ducking and dodging, avoiding me. It really is not necessary. I expect you to say hello when our paths cross, that’s it. That’s just the right thing to do. After all, we are neighbors.

Am I upset? Nope. Just getting some things out in the open as we enter into a New Year that we should be grateful we were allowed to see. I love New Years. It is a time to start over. A time for reflection and hope. A time to do things differently.

I love you dearly as a friend and as a lover. I would do nothing to hurt you. I would hope that going forward you give me the same consideration in return by doing what you can to soften the hurt feelings. Be considerate and conscious of our proximity. Don’t make promises that you are unwilling to keep. To put it bluntly, don’t be such a bastard to me. It is unnecessary and unwarranted. I don’t deserve it and will no longer tolerate it. It is but a small favor to ask.

Today, I am providing you with the opportunity to change the course of the relationship. I am happy being friends and neighbors. In fact, I want us to be friends. That is important to me.You will always be a cherished and dear friend of mine regardless.

Lastly, I wish you a wonderful and Happy New Year filled with the promise of love, prosperity and hope! It is a wonderful time for new beginnings and new long-lasting friendships.”

My blinds are open and I am using the front door!!

Treat yourselves well!!!

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “A letter to my narcissist lover …

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s