I woke up on Valentine’s Day with somewhat of a heavy heart. So I wrote. I concerned myself with whether the narcissist that was in my life would be spending the day with a particular one of the many, many women who seemingly share his bed. (After all, it is a different woman every night.) I think I can accurately say it is two a day since one leaves in the morning and another comes in the evening. Wow! Who does that!
I know I should not care but this specific one just always grated on my nerves. Could it have anything to do with her once parking in my parking space? Could it have something to do with my believing he had real feelings for her? He does outwardly seem to spend time moreso with her than the others. Or, is it just plain old-fashioned jealousy? Who knows? I was never a jealous women before him, why would I be so now?
So, I penned a peaceful prayer (see February 14, 2014 blog entry) to my blog to help get me through the day.
When I arrived home from work, just as I thought, she was there. I knew she would be. I always felt that he really liked her. Was this validation? Forgetting everything that I have read, all of the counseling confirming that he is a bona fide narcissist, I continued to harbor feelings that he really liked this one. Why didn’t he like me as much? Should I even care, seeing what I see, knowing what I know? Absolutely not!
What happens next, I know in my heart, is a sign from God. A sign from the heavens above. I receive three texts from him, nothing personal, just the usual neighborhood gossip. I had previously cut off all contact with him, with the exception of texting him the previous day with mundane gossip. Why is he texting me if she’s there with him? How disrespectful but so like him. He’s text others numerous times in my presence. I thought she was more special and me not so much.
I thought to myself “God had answered my prayer and gave me a sign to rest my weary spirit” showing me that this man is just what I thought him to be — a narcissist, a misogynist! He simply does not have and will never have the capacity to care for anyone, not me, not her, not any of the many women traipsing in and out of his home daily.
What happens next is clearly a sign from God. Clearly, my prayers being answered and my spirit being put to rest. Just in case, I did not get the message last night with the texting, I know it was nothing but God’s Saving Grace sending me yet another sign tonight. One of his lovers from nearly six months ago reappears! She is back! How do I feel? I feel fine! I feel relieved! I feel vindicated! I am free of the insanity that ruled my life for nine months! He is unequivocally a narcissist. A narcissist to his very core.
I was beginning to doubt if he was and thought there may have been a possibility that I was placating myself with the whole “narcissist” thing DESPITE his possessing nearly all of the characteristics. Reading some of the stories of other women involved with these hideous individuals, I realized their experiences were nearly identical to mine. I could have written the exact same story with minimal changes! Still, I had my doubts! Not any more!
I feel so much better now knowing that I have rid my soul, my heart, my spirit and my mind of the foolishness. I am thankful to God for giving me the insight HE knew I needed to cease with the self-doubt. I did nothing wrong but trusted an individual unworthy of my trust. Spent valuable time catering to an individual who was churlish, mean-spirited and lacked the most common of social graces.
It feels good to feel good after so many months of nursing a heartache! It feels good to be on the right path. It feels good to have renewed self-esteem!
In the words of the late, great James Brown — I feel good!!!
Treat yourselves well!