Tag Archives: overvalue

Just when I thought…

He really likes her, that one is gone and a new one appears or an old one reappears!

Despite everything I’ve read and everything my counselor and I have discussed, I would often think OMG, it’s just me he didn’t really like.  He really likes her. Again, that freaking negative committee was trying to convene a meeting in my head. The reality is he is a narcissist, plain and simple. Nothing more nothing less.  He likes no one for any length of time.

During the fall of last year the man, who has a different woman in his bed every night, was spending two, three times a week with one particular woman.  She would spend a night in the middle of the week and a weekend.  Did I give any credence to the fact that when she wasn’t there, another of his lovers was.  Nope!

I convinced myself he really likes this one.  In my despair, the girlfriends and my counselor would console me “he doesn’t like anybody, he does not have the capacity“.  They would remind me that earlier in the summer just when I thought he liked someone else, she was gone and a new/old one is now seemingly sharing his bed. Never mind the girlfriends were right!  I paid them no attention.

He likes her, I am certain of it, I would tell them.  I was driving myself batty.  What’s wrong with me?  What did I do wrong for him to change so abruptly? Why doesn’t he like me?  What changed?  My self-esteem bottomed-out.  It was gone, vamoosed, it had left the building.  I was even so silly I began to think the sex with me was the problem.  I conjured up 999 reasons and at the root of every single one of those reasons I blamed me. Yes, I was a silly girl.

No one could tell me any differently.  I started writing my book “If it looks like … a pig“.  Little did I know it would help me tremendously.  I was telling my story that I desperately needed to tell.  I poured my heart and soul in that book.  I laced it with the text messages which had gone from wonderful to non-caring, sometimes mean-spirited.  I was desperate to get back what I thought I had.

I came home one evening after a counseling session and that blasted car I knew so well was at his house. It took me to the darkest place I had ever been.  Despite all of life’s ups and downs, I don’t remember ever having felt this sad, miserable, dejected, downhearted, dispirited, heavy-hearted or desolate. I was nearly despondent.  I am certain my fellow bloggers many of you can understand the pain I was in that evening.  It was suffocating.

In my despair, I sent the following email to my counselor:  “I know now what the source of the problem is. I know that I cannot get past this until I tell the truth. I am in love with this man. I should not be. I’ve known it and just hated to say it aloud or admit.  Sorry to be such a pest this weekend but …”

Her response I now realize was my first glimpse into narcissism:  I know you are in love with an image–a man who looks good, has a good job, takes care of his home, loves music you love, can hold intelligent conversations. That is his mask. But that is what you deserve through and through in a man–not a man in a mask. Keep up the good work.

That Friday evening/Saturday morning nearly took me out! It was so bad that I text him after two months of no contact.  I had to know if I wanted him, could I have him.  So, I sent him a text to  which he responded almost immediately.

ME:  I love you! I realize you’re into someone else but it does not change how I feel.
NARCISSIST: Hi! :-))
ME: Does that mean you miss me?
ME: Say something!!??!!

And just when I thought it was her he cared for, the Narcissist responds Yes I miss you.

ME: I am heartbroken and saddened at what we have become. I don’t want us to be mad at each other. I really am in love with you. I can deal with that. But barely speaking hurts.
NARCISSIST: Let’s talk later
ME: You will text or call?
NARCISSIST: I’ll call you

All this while she is in his house with him!  You know the one, the one I had convinced myself he cared so much for.  Not only did he respond but then made plans to get together with me later that evening.  Silly me, thought I had won something.  I was victorious!  Whatever!

That victorious feeling was temporary! The shenanigans resumed, and I was still holding on — to nothing, I might add!

For the next several months, I continued to try to feel better.  It would not be until New Year’s Day 2014, the “mask” reference made sense.  He was a narcissist.  A genuine, honest-to-goodness narcissist.  I discovered the many blogs that evening after I penned “A letter to my narcissist lover …” which I had every intention of mailing to him.  However, after reading one of the blogs, I opted not. The blogger wrote that you should write a letter but not mail it.  Letter written – check!

I know it was nothing but God’s Saving Grace that led me to the many great blogs.  I found consolation. I found I was not alone.  I began to find me!

As I poured through the blogs, I was reading my story, my experience.  The abrupt manner in which they cut off contact — stop texting, no attention. The lies.  The heartless disregard for your feelings.  I was up until the wee hours of the morning absorbing blog-after-blog about narcissism.  This is when everything began to turnaround. It was that night when I absolved myself of any wrongdoing. I get it!  He is wounded and handicapped.  There is nothing wrong with me but everything is wrong with him!

What makes my situation kind of unique — I see what he does! I can even hear if the window is open. I saw a woman lean over and kiss him once.  I saw more than any woman deserves to see.

Now he is at it again with the re-emergence of a previous lover.  And, although she was there last night, earlier yesterday, he had propositioned me.  No, thank you.  I don’t want any.  It is effortless to say ‘no’ as I am now repulsed by his behavior.

And, just when I thought he really liked her … someone else is seemingly sharing his bed tonight!

Treat yourselves well!

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Rethinking the possibilities…

Overvalue, devalue, discard.  I think I began to pack up at the devalue stage! I had noticed the vague insults and the nastiness. I was repeatedly telling my girlfriends “I’m not liking the way he treats me.”

Discard is such an ugly, negative word. Let’s rethink the possibilities and turn it into a positive.

So did he discard me OR did I discard him? I realized today I was NOT discarded.  If everything I have read is true about the narcissist, rather than leave you, they simply shelve you until the next time they want to bestow their presence on you.  How silly is this?  As if you’ll remain shelved.  Narcissists are hoarders of women.   Without realizing it, I was becoming a source of Primary Narcissistic Supply.

I have a girlfriend who I confide in often. In fact, she helped me get through the darkest days with my narcissist.  As I was emerging from that dark place, I sent him a text expressing my dissatisfaction with the sex he had been serving up. But what does anyone expect from a man who seemingly beds a different woman every night. Somebody’s not gonna get it right. And I’ll be damned if it will be me.

My girlfriend has repeatedly drilled in my head, he did not dump you, you dumped him. She knew that If I wanted to be with him, I could.  On his terms! I no longer want to be with him. I no longer want to share his bed. I no longer want to pretend I did not see what I saw or knew what I know.  His lifestyle is dishonest and debaucherous. It is an illusion! And, it is not for me.

So was I actually discarded?  Or, alternatively did I become disillusioned, disappointed, disabused, fed up, dissatisfied and discontented and discard him! Some may say I am in denial, but I don’t think so. As I review the year’s activities and my state of mind, I simply became physically and emotionally drained and tired of his shenanigans!

So those of you who believe you have been discarded, rethink the possibility that you just may have been the discarder, not the discardee. I write this primarily for those of us who want to feel better.  It is for those of us who want to take the negative and turn it into a positive.  We were actually strong enough to walk away from someone we thought we wanted. We packed up our toys and went home. Never to be mistreated in such a callous and disheartening manner again.

I wanted my power back.  So I took it and my toys and went home to stay!

I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am happy. I have forgiven me and him!  I mean can you actually be angry with someone for being who they are? Absolutely not. On the other hand, you owe it to yourself to dismiss him (or her) and the shenanigans. I watch the women traipsing in and out of his home/hotel* daily and think to myself … if you only knew what I know! Some days, I want to scream, he’s narcissist, “run” “save yourself“! Would they even listen?  I wonder if they even pay attention to the signs I noticed and discounted right off the bat. *I sometimes refer to his home as a hotel!

Were we enlightened?  Of course we were. Did we search out these blogs and found there were many of us who had shared this very same experience? I know I did.  Did we not gobble up all the information we possibly could on narcissism and what it does to our very souls?  Certainly.

We are not the victims we may have at one time thought we were.  We are not discards as we once believed.  We are brave women (and men) who freed ourselves of someone not worthy of our love, our time and all that we have to give!

Yes, I discarded him! This is my reality.  I am a brand new me.  I am like the mythological phoenix.  I have new life.   And, with my new life, I come first!

Treat yourselves well!