Tag Archives: narcissist

La La Land…

is where I was for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days of 2013, due to a Mess-and-a-Half which I had immersed myself.  This morning, I was talking on the telephone to a sister friend — the one who really should think about becoming a stand-up comedian.  I was telling my sister friend that I recognized sometime ago that my off-and-on vacation stops in La La Land over the narcissist were more symptoms of my overall state-of-mind, my muddling than any unhappiness with the Mess-and-a-Half.  I conveyed this notion to my counselor and other sister friends months ago.

She got it!  Don’t you love it when you are having difficulty expressing yourself and the individual on the other end “gets it”.  I know I do.  She responded almost immediately that she had noticed that when I would travel to La La Land, ranting and raving about the narcissist that I was usually dealing with other not-so-pleasant aspects of my life!  Other parts of my life were off kilter.  Helter-skelter so-to-speak.

Ask yourselves these questions:  Are other parts of your life imbalanced?  Are you worrying about your children?  Are you worrying about your finances? Are you able to do many of the things you enjoy? Are your needs being met?  Do you have the things you want/need? How’s your health?  Do you hate your job?  Your boss?  Or, your co-workers?  I can think of a few others but you get the point, I’m sure.

After the roller coaster I had been riding began to descend, I would take periodic trips to La La Land.  I would talk about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half without interruption, incessantly, constantly, continually, non-stop, around the clock, interminably, unremittingly, ceaselessly, endlessly, all day, every day.  I pause here to express my appreciation to the sister friends who entertained my insanity.  And, trust me that is exactly where I was — In my very own La La Land, Insanityville USA.

I needed answers!  I would investigate, play detective and scrutinize every minute detail about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half.  I was going to figure out what went wrong, what had I done wrong that caused me to lose the momentary happiness I’d had for three months.  I was going to determine one way or the other why it had disappeared — literally overnight, in six hours! 

When the downward spiral began, I had just accepted a new and demanding position.  I was working diligently at putting other aspects of my life in order, after having been gone for several years.  My home needed repairs, I was worried about my children, one of my sister friends was gravely ill and I was dealing with all that life was throwing at me.  I referred to it as hitting baseballs in one of those little cages.  As soon as you hit one, there was another coming at you.  As I reflect back on those days, I realize now that, with all that was going on, my making the Mess-and-a-Half a focal point, probably staved off my leaving La La Land for a trip to Crazytown.

I’m telling you he’s more of a symptom than anything else, I would tell the sister friends often.  With the narcissist as my focal point, I would take a trip to La La Land at any given moment.   There would be days where I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner in La La Land. I cared a great deal about the narcissist — that I won’t deny.  However, my insanity was not all about the narcissist.  It had a lot to do with the all-encompassing fog that was growing denser.

He was a symptom.  Simple as that.  Think about how often you have been in La La Land and swore it was one thing only to discover it was altogether something totally different.  Been there, done that many times over the years.  There was a lot on my plate.  Some aspects of my life were overwhelming at the time.  And then I became introduced to narcissism. Something I knew absolutely nothing about.

I often think now would I have been such a willing and easy target for someone of such odious ilk had I not already been in a fog.  Going to La La Land would be a short trip for me.  Who’s to say.  But given the circumstances and the intimate knowledge I possessed, probably not.  The narcissist’s intrusion into a life where I was simply muddling along would be the impetus I needed to exit La La Land.

I needed this assault on my soul, my very being.  I desperately needed to wake up, smell the roses and put my life in order — one piece at a time. I needed self-esteem.  I needed to establish boundaries.  And, I needed to think about myself a little more and everyone else a little less.  I needed to Treat Myself Better than Well … I needed to Treat Myself Wonderfully.  I get it now!

Leaving LaLa Land

Treat Yourselves Better than Well … Treat Yourselves Wonderfully!

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I write …

liebster4

When I am feeling good, I write!  I write when I need inspiration.  And, I write to remind myself who I am and what I want in my life.    Thank you Tela (@ sociopathlife.com) for recommending me for the Liebster Award.  I am both thrilled and honored.  While my blog was born out of my mess-and-a-half, it has propelled me to love myself first and foremost.  It also keeps the Negative Committee exiled!

When I write, I am reminded that I have a tremendous capacity for love and am loved by many.  I love my blog.  I love my writing.  I look forward to expressing myself.  I often think about my blog throughout the day.  By the end of the week, I am ready and able to post no less than two of my thoughts. Why?  Because my thoughts and feelings are right upfront in my heart and mind.

I write, I heal.  My healing began with everyone else’s blogs and continues with my own.  My confession:  Still, if something about the mess-and-a-half attempts to disrupt my peacefulness, my positivity , I write.  I immediately convene a meeting of the Positive Committee.  I grab my coffee and my wonderful Bailey’s, a seat in my favorite chair with my laptop in my lap and I write.

When I am satisfied with what I have written, I feel peaceful, tranquil, calm, still, relaxed, soothed, undisturbed, untroubled, serene, composed, at ease, untroubled, content, rejuvenated, reinvigorated, re-energized, regenerated, revived, resuscitated, refreshed and stimulated.  Then, I have a reality check — the mess-and-a-half is still a mess-and-a-half. 

I am happy.  I am happy in love with me.  I have renewed love and peace for myself and those that I love.  I now even joke about the mess-and-a-half.  Every so often I may feel a little pang or two of pity for those who seemingly don’t know who or what they have allowed into their life, who’s bed they’re sharing.  Me, I know.  I have always known.  And, that allows me to be in my better place with my coffee and Bailey’s.  Life just keeps getting better.  Lord knows, I miss my Gummi Bears!  When is this Lent thing going to be over!

I nominate the following bloggers for the Liebster Award.  They were and continue to be my inspiration.  This award gives me the one opportunity to pay it forward to those bloggers who helped me so much and let them know how much I appreciate what their blogs have done for me, for my healing.

Disentangling, extricating myself from a relationship with a narcissist was difficult, but I did it!  I found my way out with determination, will, strength, wonderful bloggers and the Saving Grace of my Awesome God!

http://www.thetruthyoualwaysknew.com

http://breemikael.wordpress.com

http://flowersfromapsycho.wordpress.com

http://plambert001.wordpress.com

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog

wendyjpowell.wordpress.com

http://silverboundary.wordpress.com

 http://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com

Random facts about me:

  • I love animals (except hyenas)
  • I love my job … my bosses
  • I LOVE summer.  I don’t care if it is 100+ degrees I LOVE it.
  • I don’t like winter at all, not one bit!  Ok, I confess, I HATE IT!
  • A couple years ago, I bought an Android phone and sent it back the following day — answering a phone should not be mind boggling
  • I type over 100 wpm
  • I wrote my first novella If it looks like … a pig about my experience (without a clue I was describing a relationship with a narcissist)
  • I have always wanted to know what it was like to live somewhere other than where I had been all of my life.  So, I lived in another state for several years on my own
  • I absolve everyone of my mess-and-a-half, especially myself!
  • I not only love Gummi Bears – but worms and frogs too!
  • I never misspell a word … If it is misspelled it is a typo! 😉
  1. What is the best thing about you?  My determination, will, perseverance and a sense of humor to die for!  (I’m a bit smarter than even I know.)
  2. What time of day do you blog? I blog primarily on the weekends throughout the day. 
  3. How many revisions does it take before you finally publish? (love this one)  A hundred!  Seriously tho’, I am constantly editing/saving.  I counted 25+ on several of my posts.  I’m editing/revising even after I’ve published. 
  4. Who is/was the most influential person in your life?  I have so many to name but I have two friends who I will see on the other side that made a tremendous difference in my life. One imparted work wisdoms, the other life and love.  I miss them terribly but they truly made the difference in my life.  And, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout-out to the mess-and-a-half! Without whom, I would still be muddling along.
  5. In one word describe yourself?  Funny
  6. Where do you see yourself one year from now?  A well-known blogger/author.
  7. What is your favorite social media?  Facebook
  8. What type of blogs do you follow?  Currently anything having to do with self-esteem, narcissism, healing and loving one’s self.
  9. What is the motivating factor for you to blog?  Feelings
  10. How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it?  Informative, inspirational.  Sociopathlife tells it like it is, no holds barred.  When I started reading it, I gained a better sense of what was happening in my life.  It was a motivating factor in my healing.
  11. What have you learned about yourself from blogging?  That I love it. That it is healing. That I was born to write.  And, the perils of dealing with a narcissist!

Find your peace, and then…

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully.

I chose to be happy in love …

with ME!  Yes, me!  I reached inside myself and extracted every bit of will, strength, determination and whatever else was hidden inside me to feel better. I began a real love affair.  This time with someone who I knew had learned her lesson and would treat me well. Treat me wonderfully.  That person would be me.

I have chosen to be happy in love with me, taking a long, hard look at myself.  I now believe that I am attractive and smart too.  I am a bona fide, genuine, veritable, honest-to-goodness, sho’ nuff Winner (with a capital “W”).

I am letting go all those negative thoughts about myself and replacing them with new and improved loving thoughts of me!  I had dinner with a friend last week. We were talking about my blog and she remarked that it all seemed to focus around the mess-and-a-half.  I told her how coincidental that she mentioned that as I had decided to turn it around and change the focus.  Now, it is about me.  All about me.

I chose to be happy in love with my world that is now a work-in-progress.  I chose to renew my love and commitment to my children. I chose to love them for the people they are, for the people I raised them to be and for the love they each have given me.  I chose to be happy in love with the children who are the Greatest Loves of my life!

I chose to be happy in love with the sister (and brother) friends who have supported me emotionally through the years.  The friends who believed in me when I was struggling with who I am and what should I be doing with myself, my life.  I chose to be happy in love with the friends who continued to believe in me when I was Chair of the Negative Committee.  That committee tried to set up headquarters in my head, inside my heart. I shut it down!

I chose to be happy in love with my baby sister. The relationship has had its ups-and-downs but one thing I have discovered is — it too is an unconditional, unshakeable love.  Why question the authenticity of that love?  When someone expresses their love for you in a public forum, you can only receive it and say yep, she loves me.  All is forgiven.  We forge ahead.

I chose to be happy in love with my home, tending to it, repairing and making it a beautiful home. Of course, I chose to continue to be happy and in love with my pet companions — that’s a given.  I chose to take care of myself and provide for my wants and needs, including my Bailey’s and Gummi Bears before I even think of everyone else’s! I come first!

I saw, I conquered and I persevered through some of life’s greatest challenges.  I choose to be happy in love with my mistakes and all the parts of me that comprise the quintessential me — a wonderfully, bright, smart and attractive woman who can take on the toughest obstacle and emerge from it like the mythological phoenix standing erect with her head held high.  I have chosen to be happy in love with my best friend in my great and wonderful world — ME!

I choose to be happy in love with me inspite of and despite my shortcomings, longcomings, idiosyncrasies or whatever.  Everybody has some.

Thank you esteemology.com for my 2014 Affirmation:  I am unapologetically, fiercely, authentically ME. This is all I have to be. It is all I will ever need to be. I was born good enough. It is my birthright. This is the next step in my global, spiritual awakening. I have embraced my uniqueness and am being happy and joyful, living an authentic life.  I chose to be happy in love with me!

I chose to be happy in love with me, living a life that is better and more fulfilling, satisfying — a life I deserve.  I choose to have only peace and love in my life.  I choose to remove those friendships that are toxic, unhealthy, and which fail to add value to my world.  I choose to be more discerning in my relationships.

I chose to be happy in love with my God and his Saving Grace that has allowed me the strength to persevere, to forge ahead.  My God is an awesome God!

I chose to be happy in love by setting 2014 goals for myself — attainable goals.

I chose to be happy in love with me, treating myself not just well but wonderfully!

You should do the same!

Closing this chapter…

Dear Narcissist,

Thank you!

I now realize when you came into my life, it was what I needed at that very moment. Kinda what a doctor would have ordered had anyone known of my distress, my fears, my unsettled spirit at the time. You were wearing a mask, I get that now.  But remarkable good was derived from my experience with you — the man in the mask.  First, I was rescued from the holidays (which I detest).  You made them fun, sexy and lively.  Thank you!

Your arrival in my life was at a time when I was muddling along, not knowing what my next step would be, where would I go, what would I do.  Now I have come to believe you may have even saved me from my fog, saved my very spirit!  Thank you!

You started me to reading again and introduced me to that Book — you know the one.  I loved all three.  I probably never would have read and enjoyed them so immensely had you not given me your copy of the first one to read.  Now, I am not just reading but writing too and loving every minute!  Thank you!

You made me feel sexy and adventurous.  You gave me courage!  Thank you!

You gave me a memorable birthday weekend. It was fantabulous.  Thank you.

You gave me insight on aspects of my life that I had largely ignored due to the state of muddling I was in.  You gave me the wake-up call that I needed.  Thank you!

I still get goosebumps when I think of our last amazing night together before the downward spiral — It was amazing and memorable!

I am now closing this chapter in my life and beginning a new one.  It is called Out With The Old, In With The New and Improved Me.  I regret that I cannot take you with me on my next adventure.  There’s not going to be enough space for you.

You will always hold a special place in my heart despite … for without you, I would have remained in that fog that was consuming me.  With you, I have discovered me, the writing that I love so much, and the self-esteem and confidence that had eluded me most of my life.

You made me realize the importance of treating one’s self well.  You made me realize how important it is to love one’s self.  I could never be angry with you.  The funny thing is I now realize what you are even moreso than you. I am certain that you would seek the help you need if you knew.

And you did all this while wearing a mask!  Go figure!

While the bad days may outnumber the good ones, I can honestly say the quality of the good days made up for them.  See, the good days have not stopped, they’re still coming in leaps and bounds.  Why? Because you made me understand what I needed to understand.  I will never treat myself poorly again.  No more playing roulette with my heart.  You taught me the gravity of having expectations, of boundaries.  I am closing this chapter with a stronger sense of self — self-worth, self-love, self-esteem, etc.

My regrets are few and my gratitude is great!

Wishing you all the best life has to offer… Sayonara, Auf Wiedersehen

The End!

I don’t need sex…

Of course, I enjoy good sex as much as the next girl.  But I don’t need it.  I am happy when I have it.  But I am not unhappy because I don’t!  Physical love does not validate me.  It obviously seems to validate my narcissist.

Recently we were engaging in one of our bantering discussions when he remarked that I was in love with the sex.  I kinda went ballistic.  Ok, I did go ballistic.  I responded “I do not and have NEVER fallen in love with a man because of sex… A brain YES! Sex, absolutely not.”  Is he serious.  I am becoming increasingly more insolent. I love a man’s brain! Now that is what turns me on!

Understand this, when I was out-of-my-mind over him, he could have said the same thing and though it was not true not even then, I would not have disputed this untruth.  See, what he never knew about me — largely because he is so into himself — I have never been all that sexual. Silly narcissist!

A narcissist will never know you.  They will never get to know your likes or dislikes. They will not take notice to what turns you on or turns you off.  They are only concerned about themselves.  Had he paid the slightest attention, he would have noticed how much I enjoyed the bantering, the laughing and the fun we were having. He would have also noticed, it was not the sex that I enjoyed nearly as much as the companionship he provided.  The sex, for me, was the cherry on the sundae — not the freaking sundae, moron.  I don’t need sex. Never have. I enjoy it when it is available but don’t yearn for it when it’s not.

Does he really think so little of all women that every woman only wants a man for sex?  Of course he does.  He has women traipsing in and out of his house every day.  This evening, I got the biggest giggle — one who had spent last night left and another arrived five hours later.  Wow!  Seriously!  I would bet a paycheck a good number of them are in it for the sex! And, as long as that many are in it for the sex, why wouldn’t he believe WE all are.

For a couple of days now, I have pondered this discussion.  I understand now that he uses physical love to validate, to control.  He actually thought he was punishing me taking away the sex.  No, you idiot, it was the companionship that you took from me that hurt so deeply. Now that was my punishment!

My weakness has always been smart men with loads of brain power.  And, to my failing, a good-looking one! So I thought I had hit pay dirt when I seemingly had found both in one man given the demographics (7 to 1).  An intelligent man who can hold a conversation about nearly anything. Hallelujah! And you wonder why the other women did not affect me so much! I was in heaven! Then came hell!

We would talk for hours about politics and the state of the world. We would talk about food, animals, the neighbors, love and life.  Why would he be so foolish as to believe it was the sex?  With his plethora of women, he has come to believe that is what everyone wants from him.  He never realized for one moment that possibly that may not have been me, as well.

What I loved and enjoyed immensely were the text messages throughout the day, all day everyday. I loved the “good mornings honey, baby sweetie” every morning before 6:30 am.  I loved the way he made me laugh.  He was silly!  Once he made me laugh so hard, he had to catch me from falling out of his bed. So, dear narcissist don’t fool yourself — it may have been physical for you but it was not for me.

I even told him at one point, he was just not doing it for me.  I was not enjoying it.  On one occasion I said “I need a cup or two of passion with my sex.  No kissing, no foreplay — that does not work with me.”  As you can see, I was emerging from my fog. I am telling him what I think — not what he wants to hear. Of course, I am partly to blame for his outrageous thinking as I made all the funny noises and left him thinking he had rocked my world. But isn’t this just something some of us girls do from time to time. I know I do!

I am emerging from my fog.  I am finding my voice and reclaiming my power.  My narcissist, “the sex was robotic.  And, it didn’t seem like you were enjoying it all that much either.”  It was manual, manufactured robotic sex.  I could almost tell what move he would make and when.  It was always the same in the same place.  It was routine! And he thinks I am some sex-crazed woman. Seriously, my narcissist think! If you only knew that if that was all you had to offer me, I would not have been in this mess!

I get it now! According to Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisted, “[n]arcissists abhor and dread getting emotionally intimate. The cerebral ones regard sex as a maintenance chore, something they have to do in order to keep their Source of Secondary Supply. The somatic narcissist treats women as objects and sex as a means to obtaining Narcissistic Supply.”  Bingo! I was right, he was not enjoying it. He was working!

On a couple of occasions, I ask to cuddle.  His response was hilarious. Yes, I laughed because it was funny. He behaved like Al Bundy.  You would have thought I asked for his worldly possessions. He whined. He actually whined! I could not help but laugh.

As I continue on my path to living a full and wonderful life, I realize his life will remain empty and void of true happiness and unconditional love.  I will achieve real happiness, the kind of happiness derived from loving one’s self, living a satisfying and fulfilling life, surrounded and loved by people who have depth and substance.  I will be spiritually sound and validated through these things — not by empty and robotic sex.

I don’t need sex!  I need emotional and spiritual love for my hot fudge sundae with or without the cherry on top.

Treat yourselves wonderfully!

I was not going to hurt…

I loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor feeling bad.  Sure we all do.  But some of us can stand it maybe a tad bit better than others.  I hate it!!!  What’s important here is not who can and who can’t as much as how much I hate it. I hate it so badly that it would become the catalyst I needed to find consolation, peace, solace, relief and happiness, someway, somehow, somewhere.  This girl was not going any further into the depths of misery than I had already gone.  Then I had allowed myself to be taken.  I was going to get out of misery. And, I was going to be better, get better and move on.

I simply … was … not … going … to … hurt another minute, hour, day or week.  So, I definitely wasn’t going to spend another year in the misery I had created for myself out of ignorance and as another blogger so aptly quoted the definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

I had spent nearly all of my adult life in go-nowhere relationships with men who were either broken, wounded, emotionally unavailable and now I realize some may even have been narcissists, misogynists or even sociopaths. I made excuses, forgave not just poor behavior but bad behaviors.  I would say through all of the bad relationships, I now realize that the Saving Grace of my awesome God saved me over and over again.  Repeatedly, I was able to get out and move on with hardly any scars. I would continue to trust. I continued to believe in huMANity.  And, I continued to be in hurtful relationships!

My relationship with a narcissist has shown me how careless I had been with my heart.  I can still trust but I need to be more discerning.  I must believe what I see is what they are.  I must not make excuses for bad behavior.  If he is a lying, cheating, debaucherous, womanizing fool, I will accept that and keep on stepping. There is no other way! No excuses, no compromising. He is not the man for me. To simplify it, I don’t need him and I don’t want him.

As I sit here on another cold and blustery day — yep you guessed it with my Bailey’s and coffee — I write in my blog and read the writings of other sister friends in the struggle. And Lord knows being in a narcissistic relationship is a struggle.  It is one that will suck the life out of you.  It strikes at your very core.  It hurts you so deeply and so badly that you honestly believe the pain is physical! That was me in 2013.  That was my pain.  I was suffocating.

And then I decided I … was … not … going … to … hurt!  I … was … not … going … to … hurt another second. The pain had to go away and it had to go away right freaking now!  I set out on a mission to feel better.  I needed a plan.  First stage — counseling. I nearly ran into the counselor’s office!

At one point, I would beat myself up mercilessly for allowing such foolishness into my life. Sister friends and counselor urged me to stop blaming myself.  Little did I know then, that was yet another stage of my plan of action.  It actually helped in the healing. I needed to blame myself. Why? Because I was taking responsibility for my part in the nonsense.  I had watched this man and his shenanigan’s for ten years.  I knew better.  Good Lord what was I thinking?

I prayed and asked for guidance.  That guidance came in the form of showing me he was a narcissist.  Who knew?  Seems everyone but me.  When I realized narcissism was real, I saw him differently.  I saw him as flawed, as broken thereby a weak man.  I do not like weak men!  I no longer blamed me.  He was clinically ill.  There was nothing I had done to cause this.  I think sometimes I may have forgiven him before I forgave myself.  Forgiving myself was a bit of a challenge.  Forgiving him not so much.  He was a womanizer.  I knew that! Why? Now, that I did not know.

And then because I … was … not … going … to … hurt, I started to turn it all around to a positive. I needed this experience.  I needed something to bring me out of a fog that I was in that was only getting more and more dense. I needed a wake-up call.  The narcissist gave me just that. He made me realize that I deserve a wonderful, kind and loving man. One who does not wear a mask, one who does not lure you in and then BAM, the floor drops out from underneath you.

My relationship with this man caused me to have expectations.  It has changed me. I will never date a married man, a man who I know is in a committed relationship ever again.  I definitely will not be a part of anyone’s harem.  And, as far as the sex goes, he will have to work harder at it before I turn over my special lady parts.

I am now on the right track.  My self-esteem, my love for me improves daily.  Each and everyday I think of my wants and needs. I made a mistake.  But, I will not allow that faux pas to cause me any long-term damage.  I will move on to better and greater heights.  I will live better than I have ever thought I would or could.  And, I will spend how ever many days I need alone, absolving myself, loving myself and improving me.

No I … was … not … going … to … hurt any longer. I am going to be happy in love with me, my new best friend!

Treat yourselves better than well!  Treat yourselves WONDERFULLY!

Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude…

Two of my favorite and comforting things are Bailey’s and Gummi Bears!  Before my narcissist, everyone else’s wants and needs came before mine.  Whatever my children liked or he liked, I made sure they had it.

Recently I was asked how “can [you] stay in touch with him, after what you went through? Do you have to keep in touch? Or do you want to? And is it part of the letting go? “ I responded and then thought about it late into the evening and most of the day. My answer is simple.  I want to be happy.  I can only be happy if I have forgiven myself first and him second.  Being angry with myself or him would interfere with that happiness.  And, I am thinking I may even owe the narcissist a debt of gratitude.

Most men I have known — mine, friends and others — have cheated.  Heck, even the President of the United States cheated.  So, in some sordid and sick way, I always expected men to do just that — cheat. I told myself it was embedded in their DNA.  I had no expectations that they would do anything but … cheat. So, given what I knew about the narcissist who is but a stone’s throw away from my front door, he was doing what I expected men to do … cheat.

Did I think his behavior was over-the-top?  Yes, I did.  Even then tho’, I just believed he was the worse I had seen.  It was not until I began looking for my peace that I discovered he was more than over-the-top, he was flawed, broken, a wounded soul (if he does have one). He is a narcissist!

Then there’s me who before the narcissist never had much self-esteem. Everyone is constantly telling me how smart I am, how amazing I am and that I am attractive.  Yet, I did not see myself in quite the same light.  When the narcissist entered my world and disrupted my peaceful and uneventful existence, I was not sad but I was not happy either. I was simply trying to figure out my next move. Where would I work? Or, would I start my own business? I was already in a fog before the narcissist and was a sitting duck for his shenanigans.

For three months, I had a ball. He was engaging, fun and kept me laughing all day, every day.  And, he was attentive. Then one day out of the clear blue it just all went away! Gone, Poof.  In God’s name what just happened. I would spend the next several months trying to reclaim my happiness that I had found with him by any means necessary.  My Id was out of control.

I watched him with the others pretty much every single day and was dying inside because I was getting no attention and here he is spending time with everyone else but me! What held me hostage was when I thought he was developing feelings for someone.  Despite what the sister friends and counselor were telling silly me, I did not accept that he wouldn’t because he couldn’t. That he did not have the capacity to have feelings for me, for them, for anyone.  He had to like her … look how much time he’s spending with her, I thought to myself!

I never expected him to stop his womanizing, at least not for me.  I did expect him to continue to make me laugh, to have fun, to spend time together, to share meals. And just like that it was gone! The women were not half as bad on my psyche as the way he would begin to treat me. Ignoring me, being mean-spirited, canceling, unnecessary lying, punishments, etc. etc.  That is what drove me to get better, to be better.

The question I have asked myself previously and again last night … did he really mistreat me.  Yes and no.  I mistreated myself more than he ever could have. I knew what I was getting into given his shenanigans.  I knew he did not, could not have much respect for women.  Who sleeps with a different female every night?  A misogynist, perhaps! (And a narcissist.) No man who respects and adores women would behave in such a callous manner unless he harbors ill-will against women.  You know I am right here.

If he had made a pass at me two years ago, I would have laughed in his face.  He caught me when I was muddling along and not in a very good place.  And my Id took it from there! I am no longer muddling.  Thank God for my super ego. It came to the rescue and saved me.  I am in a good place, out of the fog.

Why the Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude?  I have a fondness for Bailey’s with or without coffee.  And, I love Gummi Bears.  I always ensured everyone in my life had whatever they wanted or needed, including him — me not so much. As I was coming out of my fog, I began to concentrate on me and my needs more and more.  Everyone else’s needs became secondary to mine. Had it not been for the narcissist, I would have continued to provide for everyone else first and foremost.  I realize now I should also provide for me — only now, I come first!

I love Phyllis Hyman.  One of my favorite songs is I Refuse to be Lonely.  I listened to that song every day, all day as I was emerging from my fog, specifically the verse … “I’ve got a right to take care of myself, I realize that I come first before anyone else”.

I found my oldest child an apartment and put him in it.  He was too old to be at home any way.  I would not allow my youngest child to return home.  She was also too old to be living at home.  I began to fix up my home to suit me. I bought furniture (after having giving each of them mine).

I am never without my favorites Bailey’s and Gummi Bears. I still may have what others like but I am not sacrificing my needs in the process.

I have expectations now for any man in my life.  Either treat me right or move on to the next one.  If they all cheat, so be it. Guess I’ll be alone. And, I am okay with that!  My narcissist made me realize that I should have expectations. That I should love myself first.  He made me realize I am so much better than what I have accepted from him and others before him.

On this blustery, cold and snowy day, I sit here in my living room, sipping on a cup of hot coffee and Bailey’s.  My Gummi Bears are on my nightstand as my night-time snack. And, can say to my narcissist with sincerity and Gratitude … Thank You.  Thank You for without you, I would have never found me.  I have never felt better about myself.

I look at my narcissist as we leave or enter our respective homes and with a smile on my face say “Hey”! I am loving me! Not him!  I am forgiven and he is, as well!

Isn’t it comforting to know the simplest and smallest things can mean so much!

Treat yourselves well.