Lamb Chops, Please, Thank You and Good Night…

I want you to grab a seat, your favorite beverage and sit real close.  I’m going to share a secret with you.  I could not effectively go “no contact” with the narcissist for any length of time.  It was too disquieting to my spirit.  I needed to release his hold on me my way, a way that worked for me.  And, before I am bombarded with the importance of “no contact”, I am one who subscribes to the theory that what works for some may not work for others.  “No contact” does not work for me.   The pain I experienced attempting to go “no contact” was unbearable, it was suffocating. I simply could not do it!

I could, however, do it in a manner that has worked for me in the past — Naturally.  A friend told me years ago (about a relationship) when you’re tired, you’ll be tired, no one will have to tell you you’re tired, because you’ll be tired and then and only then will you be able to move on.  You’ll move on painlessly and with little to no effort.  Trust me when I say — you, me, anybody will eventually grow tired of being treated like a doormat, the gum under the bottom of someone’s shoe! This is what first began to attack my senses!  That meanness, the total lack of gratitude I observed when someone is doing everything in their power to please an individual!

So, let me get this straight, you’re going to screw anything wearing a skirt (and I get to watch) and then treat me funky too.  Aaaah Nope. One or the other, definitely not both. That was my thinking.

Have you clued in to the little innuendos in my posts?  Did you pick up the little signs in my writings? Did you notice that I was still in contact with the narcissist?  Yes, I talk to him often.  We text.  We banter back ‘n forth about various topics.  And, you are going to love this  – I even feed him on occasion.  He loves food.  I love to feed people.  So I feed him! If I am drinking my signature Coffee and Bailey’s and he wants one — I share.  I share food and drink with him, but I will not share my heart or my special lady parts ever again.

Natural was the only way to go.  It would happen for me, but it had to happen in its own time — naturally.  When it began to happen naturally, I found I lost all carnal desires for him.  Just like the thief in the night who stole my fun, that same thief returned and stole any desires I had for this man.  My interests became purely neighborly, friendly with the hope that we can live in our community peacefully, harmoniously.  That is, if it can be managed. I won’t , however, tolerate any longer his lack of basic huMAN social graces or simple kindness which begin with Please, Thank You and Good Night.

Several times in the last several weeks, he’s tried to lure me with his charm.  He’s even talked that aggressive, sexy talk he knows I like.  It just doesn’t work on me anymore.  It doesn’t even sound sexy.  Those naked pictures that were once sexy, I now view as goofy (and told him so).  All he can give me, and all I want from him, is conversation on my terms!  He is a sometime cure for my boredom. not a cure for the absence of intimacy in my bedroom.

I can no longer share a bed with this man — definitely not his or mine.  There are just too many folks sharing his bed for my tastes.  Jesus H. Christ!  What was I thinking?  When I determine what was going through my head on January 3, 2013 to begin that Mess-and-a-Half with a Mess-and-a-Half, I’ll write about it (another day/another blog).

Recently, he asked me to prepare his dinner (nil Please). I am also hungry.  I feel like cooking.  I feel like mmmm Lamb Chops.  He’s in luck!  I prepare a great meal of Lamb Chops, mashed potatoes and green beans.  And, what’s a meal without Coffee and Bailey’s.  I deliver his dinner (nil Thank You).  I enjoy my own meal.

Those Lamb Chops were on-point.  They were perfectly prepared.  They were great. Several days later, I mention to him (since he had neglected to do so on his own) how well the Lamp Chops turned out.  He agreed.  One would think that if someone prepares you a really good meal.  A meal that is hot and ready when you arrive home from a day’s work, deliver it to your front door, at the very least a Thank You should be forthcoming.  Perhaps, even tell them how much you enjoyed the meal.  Not this individual.  Only on rare occasions has he ever mentioned how well he has enjoyed a meal I lovingly prepared for him.

A couple of days later, I am celebrating a holiday all by my little ol’ self.  He wants Coffee and Bailey’s.  I share! I saw him earlier, and noticed that he went out of his way to greet me. Never mind the previous day he ignored my texts.  I knew why he was so affable.  I knew what he wanted — Food/Drink.  He is welcome to my special Coffee and Bailey’s!  Before my transformation, I would have ran inside and conjured him up a meal despite the fact that I did not feel like cooking nor was I hungry.  I’m a new, improved me. He will have to initiate a Plan B for dinner cause this girl ain’t cooking!

He sends me those goofy naked pictures.  I play along.  We text until I realize I am a little inebriated.  I take him a second Coffee and Bailey’s before I lay me down to sleep.  I sit it on his porch.  When I ask him if he’s retrieved the drink from his porch?  His response is “yep“!  Okay, you’ve got the drink.  He is as usual too ungracious to mutter a simple Thank You.  I later send a “Good Night” text.  He does not respond.  Seriously!  Are you kidding me!  No one is that obtuse.

Who cannot say Good Night“? What a complete and utter idiot, I think to myself.  I can no longer ignore his lack of simple, common social graces.  Please, Thank You and Good Night are just that —  common social graces.  Suddenly, it hits me, it’s as if someone hits me over the head with a full bottle of my Bailey’s — this man is more than a narcissist, he’s a cad, a Neanderthal.  I found it odd that he had difficulties with Please and Thank You.  But, it just never really hit me like it did this evening.  No “Good Night” to someone who has prepared and delivered not one but two Coffee and Bailey’s to your front door. I’m stunned!

I have evolved!  I am more aware what is really going on here.  This is someone who is void of decorum and civility.  He’s not only a narcissist, he is rude and unpolished.  Now for me who believes in etiquette and protocol, this is plain ol’ nasty! YUCK!  More than any of his other egregious behaviors, this is a dealbreaker.  Okay, call me crazy but that is who I am.

I could probably work through the narcissism, the misogynist, even his womanizing. When you add a lack of common social graces, no Please, no Thank You and no Good Night, it is a no-can-do.

I get it! I know what some of you are thinking.  How can anyone stand a lying, cheating man, a womanizer.  To that I refer you to my post Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude. He was doing no more than I have always expected of men.  Okay, a lot more.  Still the overall behavior was expected.

It used to leave me feeling rejected and disheartened when he would ignore me.  It was heartbreaking that he could be so cruel, hard-hearted, petulant and mean.  The lack of good social graces, saying Please, Thank You and Good Night crosses the line!

I am slightly inebriated and in no mood for his shenanigans this evening.  I am no longer the silly woman trying to share his bed.  I do what I want to do for him as a trade-off.  I need a good conversation every now and then — nothing more, nothing less.  Tonight, I heave his behind back over my imaginary boundary so fast, he has to think someone had stolen my cellphone.

I text him and tell him about his boorish, churlish, cloddish, uncouth, classless, uncultivated, unpolished, unsophisticated, tasteless, vulgar; oafish, stupid, impolite, mannerless, rude, uncivil, ungracious behavior.  Imagine his surprise.

Of course, he ignores these texts.  The following morning tho’ he responds with a “What“.  But since I really don’t feel like communicating with him, I ignore his text.

The narcissist has totally underestimated the transformation, conversion, reconstruction, revamping, metamorphosis and renewal of my spirit.  I have had a spiritual overhaul to my heart and soul.  I have shifted gears.  I am singing a different tune. I have turned over a new leaf, turned the corner and turned the tables.  ON YOU!  Yes, narcissist I have turned the tables on you.

I will no longer accept such atrocious behavior.  I expect respect.  I am going to live this close and be happy and at peace.  I expect civility.  And, if my demands means that he will not talk to me for a few days, do I really give a flying pig!  Aaaaah Nope!  I know his secret, his weakness  — he does not want to be feuding neighbors either.

He’s a narcissist, that is a given.  The respect of our neighbors is important to him.  And while the neighbors are aware of his shenanigans — they do not know about me.  Nor does he want them to know!  The neighbors adore me. They would be disappointed that I went that way, but would be repulsed with him and his behaviors having me so close. Make no mistake about it, he does not want the neighbors looking at him sideways.

Is he even aware of his lack of class and sophistication?  Does he even realize that being the smartest, best looking, best dressed, most accomplished person in a room does not make up for a lack of politeness, a lack of civility.  Silly boy!

Another snippet into the real story about the Mess-and-a-Half, I bent over backwards (sometimes forward).  He was an addiction, an obsession.  Now, I could care less. I am narcissist-free and feeling good about me.  Sometimes I look at him and see a Cyclop.

My sister friends who know me, know me well. They are not surprised by my behavior nowadays.  They knew when pushed too hard, I make a complete about-face.  Something I had forgotten about myself.  It was the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who said know thyself.  Even when I did not know where I was headed, what I should be, what I should be doing, I knew I had limited tolerance for a lack of sophistication, decorum, etiquette and social graces.

And, as the sister friends would say, I can be as fickle as the days are long.  I am madly in love one minute and completely turned off the next. Mission accomplished. Narcissist, you have turned me completely off.  I must admit you had me going for a minute (317 days). That part of me that was attracted to someone of your ilk is gone. The thief stole that too!

As I look back over my life, I realize that I have had a pattern of allowing disrespectful, demanding, fault-finding, heedless, ingrate, self-centered, selfish, thankless, and unappreciative behaviors.

In fact, the narcissist was only allowed to set up shop in my world because of my lack of establishing healthy boundaries.  For the men and the sister friends who have often left me thinking “Unh?” what just happened, I give a strong warning I am not the person I used to be.  I have boundaries now.  Hip Hip Hooray.

Respect my boundaries.  And, if you ask me to prepare Lamb Chops for you, remember to say Please.  When I serve them, do not forget to say Thank You and if I say Good Night, I suggest you respond in kind.

And now I go“no contact” without even trying!

Please tell your friends about my blog.  Thank you for reading my blog.  And Good Night everyone!

Treat yourselves wonderfully.  And, demand that others do, as well!

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Those days …

when the Negative Committee is trying to reconvene inside my head, it can be daunting.  I have devoted a tremendous amount of time this weekend to keeping the Negative Committee at bay, working diligently to ensure they do not disrupt the Positive Committee’s meeting.  It has not been easy for the Negative Committee is a formidable opponent of mine.  Those days this weekend have been challenging.

I had a disagreement with one of the Greatest Loves of My Life Friday evening.  It saddened me.  It was hurtful and now we are not talking.  Ok, that’s happened before. It’ll work itself out.  But … instead I began to focus on the Mess-and-a-Half the entire weekend.  Hence, last night’s post La La Land. Old thoughts are trying to re-emerge — that damn Negative Committee.  Who’s he with?  Why does he seem to like everyone else and not me? He must really like her.  Worrying about who’s there and who’s not.  Why did I allow myself to engage in his shenanigans?  I’m at it again.

The simple answer is I do not care one minutia.  His comings and goings and visitors are trivial in my world.  I remind myself of this those days when he and his shenanigans are creeping into my thoughts.  Those days when I am experiencing my own spin-mode, I admonish myself and remember he is a narcissist and a misogynist, a womanizer.  Plain and Simple.   I then grab ahold of my feelings, my emotions, successfully fending off the Negative Committee’s antics.  I recognize this descent, this attempt to travel to La La Land.  It  is not about him at all.  It is one of the Greatest Loves of My Life that has my spirits disquieted.  

I have spent the entire weekend in much of a tizzy.  I said it last night and I’ll say it again, he only becomes a focal point when something else in my life is amiss.  He is a symptom!

A great blogger friend and sister in the struggle wrote on one of my posts “… those days when I felt myself slipping back into spin-mode.”  I get it!  I really get it!  While many of us have emerged whole and even better, that does not mean that we are not without scars from our experience.  Although some of our scars may be small, it is a scar nevertheless.  We are entitled to have those days where we feel we’re in spin-mode.

Those days, are the ones I convene a meeting of the Positive Committee and throw the Negative Committee and all of its members out the window! Goodbye! Get out!  Leave!  And, please do not return!  There is no space for you, Negative Committee!

There is a reason for those days in spin-mode — we trusted, we cared and were  not treated well.  And, what’s even worse (at least for me), we allowed it.  Those days, we look back and remember the hurt, the pain, and in my case, the inability to breathe.   Those days when we are slipping into spin-mode are the remnants of the experience that is now behind us.  We were looking for our Happy Ever After and found Hell on Earth.  We deserve our own Happy Ever After.

It is not unreasonable to want to share our lives with someone who will treat us like the fantastic women we are.  We want someone to love us unconditionally.  I love the one scene in Sex in the City where Carrie tells The Russian “…I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”  She pretty much summed it up for me in that one little blurb.  It is exactly what I want.  And, until I find that kind of ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-life-without-each-other love, I plan not to waste any more of the years I have left on God’s earth with anything less.

Without that ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming … love, there will be no casual sex.  I have no interest in long-term dating with no commitment of at least monogamy. My heart and my lady parts will not be shared with the narcissist, misogynist, sex addict, emotionally unavailable, broken down, down-on-his-luck, commitment-phobic, megalomaniac, sociopath, psychopath or those who are otherwise 50 Shades of screwed up.  I am not interested in raising anyone’s son!

This is where I am and plan to remain.  Despite those days this weekend, when I am feeling somewhat dispirited, downcast, melancholy, dismal, downhearted and gloomy, the good news is I am still happy in love with myself.  For I have weathered yet another storm, remembering what is important, reminding myself every day, throughout the day, that I am an attractive, smart and a terrific human being.

So, as I move forward and work diligently to stave off those days where I am in spin-mode, I thought of another favorite Carrie Bradshaw quote “… the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”

Treat yourselves better than well, treat yourselves wonderfully!

La La Land…

is where I was for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days of 2013, due to a Mess-and-a-Half which I had immersed myself.  This morning, I was talking on the telephone to a sister friend — the one who really should think about becoming a stand-up comedian.  I was telling my sister friend that I recognized sometime ago that my off-and-on vacation stops in La La Land over the narcissist were more symptoms of my overall state-of-mind, my muddling than any unhappiness with the Mess-and-a-Half.  I conveyed this notion to my counselor and other sister friends months ago.

She got it!  Don’t you love it when you are having difficulty expressing yourself and the individual on the other end “gets it”.  I know I do.  She responded almost immediately that she had noticed that when I would travel to La La Land, ranting and raving about the narcissist that I was usually dealing with other not-so-pleasant aspects of my life!  Other parts of my life were off kilter.  Helter-skelter so-to-speak.

Ask yourselves these questions:  Are other parts of your life imbalanced?  Are you worrying about your children?  Are you worrying about your finances? Are you able to do many of the things you enjoy? Are your needs being met?  Do you have the things you want/need? How’s your health?  Do you hate your job?  Your boss?  Or, your co-workers?  I can think of a few others but you get the point, I’m sure.

After the roller coaster I had been riding began to descend, I would take periodic trips to La La Land.  I would talk about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half without interruption, incessantly, constantly, continually, non-stop, around the clock, interminably, unremittingly, ceaselessly, endlessly, all day, every day.  I pause here to express my appreciation to the sister friends who entertained my insanity.  And, trust me that is exactly where I was — In my very own La La Land, Insanityville USA.

I needed answers!  I would investigate, play detective and scrutinize every minute detail about the narcissist and my Mess-and-a-Half.  I was going to figure out what went wrong, what had I done wrong that caused me to lose the momentary happiness I’d had for three months.  I was going to determine one way or the other why it had disappeared — literally overnight, in six hours! 

When the downward spiral began, I had just accepted a new and demanding position.  I was working diligently at putting other aspects of my life in order, after having been gone for several years.  My home needed repairs, I was worried about my children, one of my sister friends was gravely ill and I was dealing with all that life was throwing at me.  I referred to it as hitting baseballs in one of those little cages.  As soon as you hit one, there was another coming at you.  As I reflect back on those days, I realize now that, with all that was going on, my making the Mess-and-a-Half a focal point, probably staved off my leaving La La Land for a trip to Crazytown.

I’m telling you he’s more of a symptom than anything else, I would tell the sister friends often.  With the narcissist as my focal point, I would take a trip to La La Land at any given moment.   There would be days where I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner in La La Land. I cared a great deal about the narcissist — that I won’t deny.  However, my insanity was not all about the narcissist.  It had a lot to do with the all-encompassing fog that was growing denser.

He was a symptom.  Simple as that.  Think about how often you have been in La La Land and swore it was one thing only to discover it was altogether something totally different.  Been there, done that many times over the years.  There was a lot on my plate.  Some aspects of my life were overwhelming at the time.  And then I became introduced to narcissism. Something I knew absolutely nothing about.

I often think now would I have been such a willing and easy target for someone of such odious ilk had I not already been in a fog.  Going to La La Land would be a short trip for me.  Who’s to say.  But given the circumstances and the intimate knowledge I possessed, probably not.  The narcissist’s intrusion into a life where I was simply muddling along would be the impetus I needed to exit La La Land.

I needed this assault on my soul, my very being.  I desperately needed to wake up, smell the roses and put my life in order — one piece at a time. I needed self-esteem.  I needed to establish boundaries.  And, I needed to think about myself a little more and everyone else a little less.  I needed to Treat Myself Better than Well … I needed to Treat Myself Wonderfully.  I get it now!

Leaving LaLa Land

Treat Yourselves Better than Well … Treat Yourselves Wonderfully!

I write …

liebster4

When I am feeling good, I write!  I write when I need inspiration.  And, I write to remind myself who I am and what I want in my life.    Thank you Tela (@ sociopathlife.com) for recommending me for the Liebster Award.  I am both thrilled and honored.  While my blog was born out of my mess-and-a-half, it has propelled me to love myself first and foremost.  It also keeps the Negative Committee exiled!

When I write, I am reminded that I have a tremendous capacity for love and am loved by many.  I love my blog.  I love my writing.  I look forward to expressing myself.  I often think about my blog throughout the day.  By the end of the week, I am ready and able to post no less than two of my thoughts. Why?  Because my thoughts and feelings are right upfront in my heart and mind.

I write, I heal.  My healing began with everyone else’s blogs and continues with my own.  My confession:  Still, if something about the mess-and-a-half attempts to disrupt my peacefulness, my positivity , I write.  I immediately convene a meeting of the Positive Committee.  I grab my coffee and my wonderful Bailey’s, a seat in my favorite chair with my laptop in my lap and I write.

When I am satisfied with what I have written, I feel peaceful, tranquil, calm, still, relaxed, soothed, undisturbed, untroubled, serene, composed, at ease, untroubled, content, rejuvenated, reinvigorated, re-energized, regenerated, revived, resuscitated, refreshed and stimulated.  Then, I have a reality check — the mess-and-a-half is still a mess-and-a-half. 

I am happy.  I am happy in love with me.  I have renewed love and peace for myself and those that I love.  I now even joke about the mess-and-a-half.  Every so often I may feel a little pang or two of pity for those who seemingly don’t know who or what they have allowed into their life, who’s bed they’re sharing.  Me, I know.  I have always known.  And, that allows me to be in my better place with my coffee and Bailey’s.  Life just keeps getting better.  Lord knows, I miss my Gummi Bears!  When is this Lent thing going to be over!

I nominate the following bloggers for the Liebster Award.  They were and continue to be my inspiration.  This award gives me the one opportunity to pay it forward to those bloggers who helped me so much and let them know how much I appreciate what their blogs have done for me, for my healing.

Disentangling, extricating myself from a relationship with a narcissist was difficult, but I did it!  I found my way out with determination, will, strength, wonderful bloggers and the Saving Grace of my Awesome God!

http://www.thetruthyoualwaysknew.com

http://breemikael.wordpress.com

http://flowersfromapsycho.wordpress.com

http://plambert001.wordpress.com

http://www.lisaescott.com/blog

wendyjpowell.wordpress.com

http://silverboundary.wordpress.com

 http://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com

Random facts about me:

  • I love animals (except hyenas)
  • I love my job … my bosses
  • I LOVE summer.  I don’t care if it is 100+ degrees I LOVE it.
  • I don’t like winter at all, not one bit!  Ok, I confess, I HATE IT!
  • A couple years ago, I bought an Android phone and sent it back the following day — answering a phone should not be mind boggling
  • I type over 100 wpm
  • I wrote my first novella If it looks like … a pig about my experience (without a clue I was describing a relationship with a narcissist)
  • I have always wanted to know what it was like to live somewhere other than where I had been all of my life.  So, I lived in another state for several years on my own
  • I absolve everyone of my mess-and-a-half, especially myself!
  • I not only love Gummi Bears – but worms and frogs too!
  • I never misspell a word … If it is misspelled it is a typo! 😉
  1. What is the best thing about you?  My determination, will, perseverance and a sense of humor to die for!  (I’m a bit smarter than even I know.)
  2. What time of day do you blog? I blog primarily on the weekends throughout the day. 
  3. How many revisions does it take before you finally publish? (love this one)  A hundred!  Seriously tho’, I am constantly editing/saving.  I counted 25+ on several of my posts.  I’m editing/revising even after I’ve published. 
  4. Who is/was the most influential person in your life?  I have so many to name but I have two friends who I will see on the other side that made a tremendous difference in my life. One imparted work wisdoms, the other life and love.  I miss them terribly but they truly made the difference in my life.  And, I would be remiss if I didn’t give a shout-out to the mess-and-a-half! Without whom, I would still be muddling along.
  5. In one word describe yourself?  Funny
  6. Where do you see yourself one year from now?  A well-known blogger/author.
  7. What is your favorite social media?  Facebook
  8. What type of blogs do you follow?  Currently anything having to do with self-esteem, narcissism, healing and loving one’s self.
  9. What is the motivating factor for you to blog?  Feelings
  10. How would you describe my blog content to someone who has not read it?  Informative, inspirational.  Sociopathlife tells it like it is, no holds barred.  When I started reading it, I gained a better sense of what was happening in my life.  It was a motivating factor in my healing.
  11. What have you learned about yourself from blogging?  That I love it. That it is healing. That I was born to write.  And, the perils of dealing with a narcissist!

Find your peace, and then…

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully.

I chose to be happy in love …

with ME!  Yes, me!  I reached inside myself and extracted every bit of will, strength, determination and whatever else was hidden inside me to feel better. I began a real love affair.  This time with someone who I knew had learned her lesson and would treat me well. Treat me wonderfully.  That person would be me.

I have chosen to be happy in love with me, taking a long, hard look at myself.  I now believe that I am attractive and smart too.  I am a bona fide, genuine, veritable, honest-to-goodness, sho’ nuff Winner (with a capital “W”).

I am letting go all those negative thoughts about myself and replacing them with new and improved loving thoughts of me!  I had dinner with a friend last week. We were talking about my blog and she remarked that it all seemed to focus around the mess-and-a-half.  I told her how coincidental that she mentioned that as I had decided to turn it around and change the focus.  Now, it is about me.  All about me.

I chose to be happy in love with my world that is now a work-in-progress.  I chose to renew my love and commitment to my children. I chose to love them for the people they are, for the people I raised them to be and for the love they each have given me.  I chose to be happy in love with the children who are the Greatest Loves of my life!

I chose to be happy in love with the sister (and brother) friends who have supported me emotionally through the years.  The friends who believed in me when I was struggling with who I am and what should I be doing with myself, my life.  I chose to be happy in love with the friends who continued to believe in me when I was Chair of the Negative Committee.  That committee tried to set up headquarters in my head, inside my heart. I shut it down!

I chose to be happy in love with my baby sister. The relationship has had its ups-and-downs but one thing I have discovered is — it too is an unconditional, unshakeable love.  Why question the authenticity of that love?  When someone expresses their love for you in a public forum, you can only receive it and say yep, she loves me.  All is forgiven.  We forge ahead.

I chose to be happy in love with my home, tending to it, repairing and making it a beautiful home. Of course, I chose to continue to be happy and in love with my pet companions — that’s a given.  I chose to take care of myself and provide for my wants and needs, including my Bailey’s and Gummi Bears before I even think of everyone else’s! I come first!

I saw, I conquered and I persevered through some of life’s greatest challenges.  I choose to be happy in love with my mistakes and all the parts of me that comprise the quintessential me — a wonderfully, bright, smart and attractive woman who can take on the toughest obstacle and emerge from it like the mythological phoenix standing erect with her head held high.  I have chosen to be happy in love with my best friend in my great and wonderful world — ME!

I choose to be happy in love with me inspite of and despite my shortcomings, longcomings, idiosyncrasies or whatever.  Everybody has some.

Thank you esteemology.com for my 2014 Affirmation:  I am unapologetically, fiercely, authentically ME. This is all I have to be. It is all I will ever need to be. I was born good enough. It is my birthright. This is the next step in my global, spiritual awakening. I have embraced my uniqueness and am being happy and joyful, living an authentic life.  I chose to be happy in love with me!

I chose to be happy in love with me, living a life that is better and more fulfilling, satisfying — a life I deserve.  I choose to have only peace and love in my life.  I choose to remove those friendships that are toxic, unhealthy, and which fail to add value to my world.  I choose to be more discerning in my relationships.

I chose to be happy in love with my God and his Saving Grace that has allowed me the strength to persevere, to forge ahead.  My God is an awesome God!

I chose to be happy in love by setting 2014 goals for myself — attainable goals.

I chose to be happy in love with me, treating myself not just well but wonderfully!

You should do the same!

Fool me once…

Shame on you and you alone.  I think I may just rewrite the old adage Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.  I’m thinking I will change it to Fool me once, the shame is all your’s.  There will not be a second fooling.  Why should I be so benevolent as to give anyone a second opportunity.  When you have fooled me once, you’ve already shamed us both.  Should there even be a second fooling?  Mmmm Nope!  Not anymore!

I have tried my entire life not to be judgmental.  I always accepted everyone on their terms. If I liked you, I looked past your faults, your idiosyncrasies, your peculiarities.  I knew very little about treacherous and menacing personality disorders and that I should steer clear of them.  I now understand that I can be discerning without being judgmental.  People who are vexations to the spirit, whose moral compass is off should not have admittance into anyone’s life, not mine for sure.

I always thought I was being a good person.  A genuine, loving person who accepted everyone as they were.  Hence, a root cause of my mess-and-a-half! As I look forward (not backwards), I now realize there are even sister friends who I should have revoked their friendship pass long ago.

I had a sister friend who I now believe may possess some type of sociopathic personality disorder.  We were sister friends well over 20 years.  Great friends, close friends.  I loved this girl as though she was a family member. My favorite thing about her — she could make me laugh, a lot, heartily. Over the years, however, I began to notice things but dismissed them.

You’ve probably figured out by now I have a penchant for laughter and fun.  I want to laugh all day, everyday. I have no problem being a laughing fool.  When I am laughing, I feel … better than good.  I feel wonderful, alive, happy.  Those who know me well, know they have to proceed with caution when making me laugh. I become hysterical easily. You want the key to my kingdom, make me laugh!

Several years ago, I had stepped outside my comfort zone and went on my greatest adventure moving to another state.  I lived without the family and friends I loved so much.  To say that I was lonely is an understatement.  My ex-sister friend and I talked by phone daily.  During one of those chat sessions, I remarked on how wonderful were her accomplishments.  Her resume is awesome!  Her accomplishments are off-the-charts.

She is extremely smart and works hard in the community, at school and at work.  Her response to my compliment made me take one-half step backwards.  The only woman badder than me was herself, she remarked.  I thought it was odd to say such to a friend, a close friend.  It sounded kind of competitive but perhaps I am reading too much into it.  (Why would I compete with my friend or she with me!)

I realize now this was Fool me once!  Shame on her!

My ex-sister friend knows me, she knows me very well.  I have shared some of my most intimate secrets with her.  She knows I am not a woman who asks men for money.  Nor do I expect it. Never have, never will.  My finances are my personal business, and I do not discuss them openly.  The topic of my finances is sacred.

Why in a conversation would she dare degrade me and say something so appalling as to suggest I should ask any man for money.  And, the delivery, the words were so outrageous I cannot even bring myself to repeat them here.  At that moment I decided it was best I not talk to her for a minute, give the relationship a rest.  I did just that.

I could not understand or appreciate the suggestion.  I am not a lady of the evening, streetwalker, tart, moll, fille de joie, escort, courtesan, hustler, scarlet woman, cocotte, strumpet, harlot or trollop.  I do not ask men for money.  If others do, that’s fine — it is just not me.  And, there’s a very good reason I feel this way — another blog, another day!

She notices I am not returning her calls.  That I am always busy.  When she asks why, I politely remind her what had been said and how degrading, disgraceful and scandalous, it was.  She has clearly crossed a line even for me who failed to understand the importance of boundaries.

Fool me twice, shame on me!

I missed her tho’.  I missed her making me laugh.  I missed our most intimate conversations.  After several months, I call her.  I had something to tell her and knew it would leave us both in stitches.  We chatted and our daily chat sessions resumed.

I return home from my time away.  You just know when it’s time.  I missed my children; my other sister friends, two of whom I’ll see on the other side and one who was gravely ill.  I need to go home! I was leaving a great job with a great income.  Nevertheless, I still needed to return home (another blog for another day).

I am home, no job but that’s okay. I am highly marketable.  My children are in desperate need of mothering, nurturing and guidance.  I am needed at home!  I soon find a low-paying position.  It’ll do for now but I know that I cannot do this long, and not just because of the money.  This work I can do with one hand tied behind my back, standing on one leg (and possibly blindfolded)!  This girl needs a challenge at work.

While away, I am discovering I can do anything I set my mind to.  I am getting a better sense of who should and should not be a part of my life.  A better sense of me!  Definitely, getting there!

Purely by happenstance, I learn of a challenging, good-paying position in my field but it is the last day for resumes to be received.  My ex-sister friend had to have known about this position given her community involvement.  Mmmmm wonder why she failed to mention it.  How odd.  Even more odd was her response when I asks her about the position.  Her response was a clear indication of her feelings towards me — you will not have a better life than me.  Tho’ these are not her actual words, the message she was conveying was clearly embedded in her response!

This shocking response set off the alarms in my head.  The sirens are blaring, the lights are flashing.  OMG, my friend does not even want me to have decent employment.

Now understand — this was not a position where I would compete with her on any level.  We are in two total different spheres in the world of employment.

You guessed it, I am fooled a third time.  This would be shame on me twice!  

I continue to chat with her — but not so regularly.

I had dismissed a lot over the 20 year friendship.  Who am I to judge.  I dismissed her interest in men who were interested in me.  I wasn’t interested anyway so it did not matter if she went in hot pursuit.  I definitely missed her even considering a relationship with a man she knew was and had been involved with a mutual friend for years.

I dismissed how she oftentimes conveniently navigated the truth.  I even dismissed it when she remarked to me once — there is no absolute right and wrong. It is all subjective! Unh???  But I did not miss it when she did something totally unscrupulous with someone else’s money she had been charged with safekeeping!

It is time to dissolve this friendship. Time to let it go. And, let it go is what I did. It would not be until my recent mess-and-a-half that I realize it was the right thing to do. That blasted self-doubt.

Whatever the relationship — man, woman, child or even animal. If it does not bring you cheer and goodwill, you must let it go.  Without my mess-and-a-half, I would have continued in harmful, malignant relationships with men and so-called sister friends.

Today, I set my clocks forward.  I also set my heart, mind and soul forward.  I will not judge but I will be more discerning with who shares my world.

If you fool me once, the shame is all on you!  We’re done and you are FIRED!

Treat yourselves well, treat yourselves wonderfully. I am!

Out with the old …

In with the new and Improved.  On January 1, 2014 I decided that it was long  past the time for me to move onward and upward and shed the negative energy in my life.  With that decision, I experienced a gamut of emotions.

From despair, disheartenment, distress, anguish and unhappiness. To today’s acceptance, calm, serene, tranquil, self-assured, self-confident, imperturbable, peaceful, placid, steady, sangfroid life where I am enjoying a wonderful presence-of-mind.  Yes, I have returned to my old ebullient, cheerful self!  Only now, some of these adjectives describe my new state-of-mind.  Yes, I am not only back from the depths of my self-imposed misery but I am a new and improved, better me.

I now have the self-esteem that has eluded me most of my life.  I am an immovable, unstoppable  force.  I no longer tolerate nonsense.  Nonsense that I have tolerated most of my adult life.  Not just from guys but also from those masquerading as sister friends.  I am a new ME.

A few years ago, in a conversation with a sister friend, I expressed that for years I had not known me.  Did not have a clue.  No clue of my capabilities. What I should and should not allow in my life?  What was my niche?  What kind of friends should I have and what kind of men should I grant admission to my world?   At the time of the conversation, I was beginning to come into my own, gaining a better sense of me but I was only half-way to where I needed to be.  Who knew it would take a mess-and-a-half to give me the force majeure I needed to be what I was destined to be.  To get me there!

As I sit here with my Bailey’s and coffee (gave up the Gummi Bears for Lent), I realize the source, the root cause of many of my faux pas can be attributed to my childhood.  Because I am in a tranquil place, I will not use this space to denigrate those who could have been better to me, loved me more, and gave me the tools I would need to take me through adulthood.  And, although I was not abused sexually or even emotionally, I could have been treated so much better. As my counselor so aptly phrased it, I deserved so much more.

Only now that the wounds of my mess-and-a-half are pretty much closed and all that is left is a thin mark — a reminder — do I realize I have struggled my entire life to be loved by those who were supposed to love me.  I looked for that love in the wrong places, with the wrong people.  I played roulette with my heart.  Praise to my awesome God for the super terrific counseling I receive.

Those who were charged with guiding me from childhood to adulthood, for whatever reason, were unable to fulfill their prescribed duties.  It’s okay.  I forgive them too! I am certain that had they known better they would have done better.  They did not. So que sera sera!

As I was awakenening from the fog, I realized now that I have been in that fog for most of my adult life.  I worked, married a couple of times, had children and did the best I knew how with the knowledge I had to work with.  I did a fairly decent job of raising my children largely because I was going to be the total opposite of those who had raised me.

My children would always know one truth — I love them with every ounce of my being and would stand beside them during their worse times.  I would admonish them if they were wrong but would not  leave them in their distress. I used to say to them they could guarantee three things in life, the sun would rise, the sun would set and my love for them would always be unconditional and unshakable.  Of course, as with most children they tested it a couple of times!

Aspects of my personality that I have always been lauded for are my determination, will and fighting spirit.  I only discovered recently that I was considerably stronger than even I knew. My counselor told me that one reason I am emerging from my recent mess-and-a-half so well is because of an inner strength, she knew, I possessed. An inner strength that I have always had yet was unaware.  See, everyone has always remarked about my determination, my abilities to forge ahead despite the most difficult of circumstances or situations. I, on the other hand, never saw myself in the same light.

I have always been able to pick up and move on, do what I had to do, despite …. anything! While this last mess-and-a-half tested that strength, determination and will like never before, once again when I decided to get out, to move on, I did just that.  On my worse days, I lamented I am nobody’s victim.  I do not wallow.  My mess-and-a-half even propelled me to greater heights.  I now understand this strength I possess.

A conversation before the mess-and-a-half with a sister friend would have sounded like this:  Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I don’t deserve you or your friendship.

A conversation after the mess-and-a-half with the same sister friend actually went like this: Thank you so much for the light fixture.  It was just what I needed.  I deserve you and your friendship.

During this conversation I even gave her the before and after scenarios.  Of course, we both laughed as she is one of the ones who has always believed in me and was constantly in my ear about what a good-hearted, loving person she knew me to be.

This is what growing sounds like.  It is what moving on sounds like.  It is learning a life lesson. It is loving one’s self.  It is me who has moved on and began a love affair with myself despite my mess-and-a-half!

I realize that I and I alone am charged with loving me!  And, I am up to the task!

I am now dissolving the Negative Committee FOREVER!  It’s Chair has been fired.  It has been replaced with the Positive Committee, whose Chair is EoftheU2014.

Treat yourselves better than well.  Treat yourselves wonderfully!