I want you to grab a seat, your favorite beverage and sit real close. I’m going to share a secret with you. I could not effectively go “no contact” with the narcissist for any length of time. It was too disquieting to my spirit. I needed to release his hold on me my way, a way that worked for me. And, before I am bombarded with the importance of “no contact”, I am one who subscribes to the theory that what works for some may not work for others. “No contact” does not work for me. The pain I experienced attempting to go “no contact” was unbearable, it was suffocating. I simply could not do it!
I could, however, do it in a manner that has worked for me in the past — Naturally. A friend told me years ago (about a relationship) when you’re tired, you’ll be tired, no one will have to tell you you’re tired, because you’ll be tired and then and only then will you be able to move on. You’ll move on painlessly and with little to no effort. Trust me when I say — you, me, anybody will eventually grow tired of being treated like a doormat, the gum under the bottom of someone’s shoe! This is what first began to attack my senses! That meanness, the total lack of gratitude I observed when someone is doing everything in their power to please an individual!
So, let me get this straight, you’re going to screw anything wearing a skirt (and I get to watch) and then treat me funky too. Aaaah Nope. One or the other, definitely not both. That was my thinking.
Have you clued in to the little innuendos in my posts? Did you pick up the little signs in my writings? Did you notice that I was still in contact with the narcissist? Yes, I talk to him often. We text. We banter back ‘n forth about various topics. And, you are going to love this – I even feed him on occasion. He loves food. I love to feed people. So I feed him! If I am drinking my signature Coffee and Bailey’s and he wants one — I share. I share food and drink with him, but I will not share my heart or my special lady parts ever again.
Natural was the only way to go. It would happen for me, but it had to happen in its own time — naturally. When it began to happen naturally, I found I lost all carnal desires for him. Just like the thief in the night who stole my fun, that same thief returned and stole any desires I had for this man. My interests became purely neighborly, friendly with the hope that we can live in our community peacefully, harmoniously. That is, if it can be managed. I won’t , however, tolerate any longer his lack of basic huMAN social graces or simple kindness which begin with Please, Thank You and Good Night.
Several times in the last several weeks, he’s tried to lure me with his charm. He’s even talked that aggressive, sexy talk he knows I like. It just doesn’t work on me anymore. It doesn’t even sound sexy. Those naked pictures that were once sexy, I now view as goofy (and told him so). All he can give me, and all I want from him, is conversation on my terms! He is a sometime cure for my boredom. not a cure for the absence of intimacy in my bedroom.
I can no longer share a bed with this man — definitely not his or mine. There are just too many folks sharing his bed for my tastes. Jesus H. Christ! What was I thinking? When I determine what was going through my head on January 3, 2013 to begin that Mess-and-a-Half with a Mess-and-a-Half, I’ll write about it (another day/another blog).
Recently, he asked me to prepare his dinner (nil Please). I am also hungry. I feel like cooking. I feel like mmmm Lamb Chops. He’s in luck! I prepare a great meal of Lamb Chops, mashed potatoes and green beans. And, what’s a meal without Coffee and Bailey’s. I deliver his dinner (nil Thank You). I enjoy my own meal.
Those Lamb Chops were on-point. They were perfectly prepared. They were great. Several days later, I mention to him (since he had neglected to do so on his own) how well the Lamp Chops turned out. He agreed. One would think that if someone prepares you a really good meal. A meal that is hot and ready when you arrive home from a day’s work, deliver it to your front door, at the very least a Thank You should be forthcoming. Perhaps, even tell them how much you enjoyed the meal. Not this individual. Only on rare occasions has he ever mentioned how well he has enjoyed a meal I lovingly prepared for him.
A couple of days later, I am celebrating a holiday all by my little ol’ self. He wants Coffee and Bailey’s. I share! I saw him earlier, and noticed that he went out of his way to greet me. Never mind the previous day he ignored my texts. I knew why he was so affable. I knew what he wanted — Food/Drink. He is welcome to my special Coffee and Bailey’s! Before my transformation, I would have ran inside and conjured him up a meal despite the fact that I did not feel like cooking nor was I hungry. I’m a new, improved me. He will have to initiate a Plan B for dinner cause this girl ain’t cooking!
He sends me those goofy naked pictures. I play along. We text until I realize I am a little inebriated. I take him a second Coffee and Bailey’s before I lay me down to sleep. I sit it on his porch. When I ask him if he’s retrieved the drink from his porch? His response is “yep“! Okay, you’ve got the drink. He is as usual too ungracious to mutter a simple Thank You. I later send a “Good Night” text. He does not respond. Seriously! Are you kidding me! No one is that obtuse.
Who cannot say “Good Night“? What a complete and utter idiot, I think to myself. I can no longer ignore his lack of simple, common social graces. Please, Thank You and Good Night are just that — common social graces. Suddenly, it hits me, it’s as if someone hits me over the head with a full bottle of my Bailey’s — this man is more than a narcissist, he’s a cad, a Neanderthal. I found it odd that he had difficulties with Please and Thank You. But, it just never really hit me like it did this evening. No “Good Night” to someone who has prepared and delivered not one but two Coffee and Bailey’s to your front door. I’m stunned!
I have evolved! I am more aware what is really going on here. This is someone who is void of decorum and civility. He’s not only a narcissist, he is rude and unpolished. Now for me who believes in etiquette and protocol, this is plain ol’ nasty! YUCK! More than any of his other egregious behaviors, this is a dealbreaker. Okay, call me crazy but that is who I am.
I could probably work through the narcissism, the misogynist, even his womanizing. When you add a lack of common social graces, no Please, no Thank You and no Good Night, it is a no-can-do.
I get it! I know what some of you are thinking. How can anyone stand a lying, cheating man, a womanizer. To that I refer you to my post Bailey’s, Gummi Bears and Gratitude. He was doing no more than I have always expected of men. Okay, a lot more. Still the overall behavior was expected.
It used to leave me feeling rejected and disheartened when he would ignore me. It was heartbreaking that he could be so cruel, hard-hearted, petulant and mean. The lack of good social graces, saying Please, Thank You and Good Night crosses the line!
I am slightly inebriated and in no mood for his shenanigans this evening. I am no longer the silly woman trying to share his bed. I do what I want to do for him as a trade-off. I need a good conversation every now and then — nothing more, nothing less. Tonight, I heave his behind back over my imaginary boundary so fast, he has to think someone had stolen my cellphone.
I text him and tell him about his boorish, churlish, cloddish, uncouth, classless, uncultivated, unpolished, unsophisticated, tasteless, vulgar; oafish, stupid, impolite, mannerless, rude, uncivil, ungracious behavior. Imagine his surprise.
Of course, he ignores these texts. The following morning tho’ he responds with a “What“. But since I really don’t feel like communicating with him, I ignore his text.
The narcissist has totally underestimated the transformation, conversion, reconstruction, revamping, metamorphosis and renewal of my spirit. I have had a spiritual overhaul to my heart and soul. I have shifted gears. I am singing a different tune. I have turned over a new leaf, turned the corner and turned the tables. ON YOU! Yes, narcissist I have turned the tables on you.
I will no longer accept such atrocious behavior. I expect respect. I am going to live this close and be happy and at peace. I expect civility. And, if my demands means that he will not talk to me for a few days, do I really give a flying pig! Aaaaah Nope! I know his secret, his weakness — he does not want to be feuding neighbors either.
He’s a narcissist, that is a given. The respect of our neighbors is important to him. And while the neighbors are aware of his shenanigans — they do not know about me. Nor does he want them to know! The neighbors adore me. They would be disappointed that I went that way, but would be repulsed with him and his behaviors having me so close. Make no mistake about it, he does not want the neighbors looking at him sideways.
Is he even aware of his lack of class and sophistication? Does he even realize that being the smartest, best looking, best dressed, most accomplished person in a room does not make up for a lack of politeness, a lack of civility. Silly boy!
Another snippet into the real story about the Mess-and-a-Half, I bent over backwards (sometimes forward). He was an addiction, an obsession. Now, I could care less. I am narcissist-free and feeling good about me. Sometimes I look at him and see a Cyclop.
My sister friends who know me, know me well. They are not surprised by my behavior nowadays. They knew when pushed too hard, I make a complete about-face. Something I had forgotten about myself. It was the Greek philosopher, Socrates, who said know thyself. Even when I did not know where I was headed, what I should be, what I should be doing, I knew I had limited tolerance for a lack of sophistication, decorum, etiquette and social graces.
And, as the sister friends would say, I can be as fickle as the days are long. I am madly in love one minute and completely turned off the next. Mission accomplished. Narcissist, you have turned me completely off. I must admit you had me going for a minute (317 days). That part of me that was attracted to someone of your ilk is gone. The thief stole that too!
As I look back over my life, I realize that I have had a pattern of allowing disrespectful, demanding, fault-finding, heedless, ingrate, self-centered, selfish, thankless, and unappreciative behaviors.
In fact, the narcissist was only allowed to set up shop in my world because of my lack of establishing healthy boundaries. For the men and the sister friends who have often left me thinking “Unh?” what just happened, I give a strong warning I am not the person I used to be. I have boundaries now. Hip Hip Hooray.
Respect my boundaries. And, if you ask me to prepare Lamb Chops for you, remember to say Please. When I serve them, do not forget to say Thank You and if I say Good Night, I suggest you respond in kind.
And now I go“no contact” without even trying!
Please tell your friends about my blog. Thank you for reading my blog. And Good Night everyone!
Treat yourselves wonderfully. And, demand that others do, as well!