In with the new and Improved. On January 1, 2014 I decided that it was long past the time for me to move onward and upward and shed the negative energy in my life. With that decision, I experienced a gamut of emotions.
From despair, disheartenment, distress, anguish and unhappiness. To today’s acceptance, calm, serene, tranquil, self-assured, self-confident, imperturbable, peaceful, placid, steady, sangfroid life where I am enjoying a wonderful presence-of-mind. Yes, I have returned to my old ebullient, cheerful self! Only now, some of these adjectives describe my new state-of-mind. Yes, I am not only back from the depths of my self-imposed misery but I am a new and improved, better me.
I now have the self-esteem that has eluded me most of my life. I am an immovable, unstoppable force. I no longer tolerate nonsense. Nonsense that I have tolerated most of my adult life. Not just from guys but also from those masquerading as sister friends. I am a new ME.
A few years ago, in a conversation with a sister friend, I expressed that for years I had not known me. Did not have a clue. No clue of my capabilities. What I should and should not allow in my life? What was my niche? What kind of friends should I have and what kind of men should I grant admission to my world? At the time of the conversation, I was beginning to come into my own, gaining a better sense of me but I was only half-way to where I needed to be. Who knew it would take a mess-and-a-half to give me the force majeure I needed to be what I was destined to be. To get me there!
As I sit here with my Bailey’s and coffee (gave up the Gummi Bears for Lent), I realize the source, the root cause of many of my faux pas can be attributed to my childhood. Because I am in a tranquil place, I will not use this space to denigrate those who could have been better to me, loved me more, and gave me the tools I would need to take me through adulthood. And, although I was not abused sexually or even emotionally, I could have been treated so much better. As my counselor so aptly phrased it, I deserved so much more.
Only now that the wounds of my mess-and-a-half are pretty much closed and all that is left is a thin mark — a reminder — do I realize I have struggled my entire life to be loved by those who were supposed to love me. I looked for that love in the wrong places, with the wrong people. I played roulette with my heart. Praise to my awesome God for the super terrific counseling I receive.
Those who were charged with guiding me from childhood to adulthood, for whatever reason, were unable to fulfill their prescribed duties. It’s okay. I forgive them too! I am certain that had they known better they would have done better. They did not. So que sera sera!
As I was awakenening from the fog, I realized now that I have been in that fog for most of my adult life. I worked, married a couple of times, had children and did the best I knew how with the knowledge I had to work with. I did a fairly decent job of raising my children largely because I was going to be the total opposite of those who had raised me.
My children would always know one truth — I love them with every ounce of my being and would stand beside them during their worse times. I would admonish them if they were wrong but would not leave them in their distress. I used to say to them they could guarantee three things in life, the sun would rise, the sun would set and my love for them would always be unconditional and unshakable. Of course, as with most children they tested it a couple of times!
Aspects of my personality that I have always been lauded for are my determination, will and fighting spirit. I only discovered recently that I was considerably stronger than even I knew. My counselor told me that one reason I am emerging from my recent mess-and-a-half so well is because of an inner strength, she knew, I possessed. An inner strength that I have always had yet was unaware. See, everyone has always remarked about my determination, my abilities to forge ahead despite the most difficult of circumstances or situations. I, on the other hand, never saw myself in the same light.
I have always been able to pick up and move on, do what I had to do, despite …. anything! While this last mess-and-a-half tested that strength, determination and will like never before, once again when I decided to get out, to move on, I did just that. On my worse days, I lamented I am nobody’s victim. I do not wallow. My mess-and-a-half even propelled me to greater heights. I now understand this strength I possess.
A conversation before the mess-and-a-half with a sister friend would have sounded like this: Thank you so much for the light fixture. It was just what I needed. I don’t deserve you or your friendship.
A conversation after the mess-and-a-half with the same sister friend actually went like this: Thank you so much for the light fixture. It was just what I needed. I deserve you and your friendship.
During this conversation I even gave her the before and after scenarios. Of course, we both laughed as she is one of the ones who has always believed in me and was constantly in my ear about what a good-hearted, loving person she knew me to be.
This is what growing sounds like. It is what moving on sounds like. It is learning a life lesson. It is loving one’s self. It is me who has moved on and began a love affair with myself despite my mess-and-a-half!
I realize that I and I alone am charged with loving me! And, I am up to the task!
I am now dissolving the Negative Committee FOREVER! It’s Chair has been fired. It has been replaced with the Positive Committee, whose Chair is EoftheU2014.
Treat yourselves better than well. Treat yourselves wonderfully!