Just when I thought…

He really likes her, that one is gone and a new one appears or an old one reappears!

Despite everything I’ve read and everything my counselor and I have discussed, I would often think OMG, it’s just me he didn’t really like.  He really likes her. Again, that freaking negative committee was trying to convene a meeting in my head. The reality is he is a narcissist, plain and simple. Nothing more nothing less.  He likes no one for any length of time.

During the fall of last year the man, who has a different woman in his bed every night, was spending two, three times a week with one particular woman.  She would spend a night in the middle of the week and a weekend.  Did I give any credence to the fact that when she wasn’t there, another of his lovers was.  Nope!

I convinced myself he really likes this one.  In my despair, the girlfriends and my counselor would console me “he doesn’t like anybody, he does not have the capacity“.  They would remind me that earlier in the summer just when I thought he liked someone else, she was gone and a new/old one is now seemingly sharing his bed. Never mind the girlfriends were right!  I paid them no attention.

He likes her, I am certain of it, I would tell them.  I was driving myself batty.  What’s wrong with me?  What did I do wrong for him to change so abruptly? Why doesn’t he like me?  What changed?  My self-esteem bottomed-out.  It was gone, vamoosed, it had left the building.  I was even so silly I began to think the sex with me was the problem.  I conjured up 999 reasons and at the root of every single one of those reasons I blamed me. Yes, I was a silly girl.

No one could tell me any differently.  I started writing my book “If it looks like … a pig“.  Little did I know it would help me tremendously.  I was telling my story that I desperately needed to tell.  I poured my heart and soul in that book.  I laced it with the text messages which had gone from wonderful to non-caring, sometimes mean-spirited.  I was desperate to get back what I thought I had.

I came home one evening after a counseling session and that blasted car I knew so well was at his house. It took me to the darkest place I had ever been.  Despite all of life’s ups and downs, I don’t remember ever having felt this sad, miserable, dejected, downhearted, dispirited, heavy-hearted or desolate. I was nearly despondent.  I am certain my fellow bloggers many of you can understand the pain I was in that evening.  It was suffocating.

In my despair, I sent the following email to my counselor:  “I know now what the source of the problem is. I know that I cannot get past this until I tell the truth. I am in love with this man. I should not be. I’ve known it and just hated to say it aloud or admit.  Sorry to be such a pest this weekend but …”

Her response I now realize was my first glimpse into narcissism:  I know you are in love with an image–a man who looks good, has a good job, takes care of his home, loves music you love, can hold intelligent conversations. That is his mask. But that is what you deserve through and through in a man–not a man in a mask. Keep up the good work.

That Friday evening/Saturday morning nearly took me out! It was so bad that I text him after two months of no contact.  I had to know if I wanted him, could I have him.  So, I sent him a text to  which he responded almost immediately.

ME:  I love you! I realize you’re into someone else but it does not change how I feel.
NARCISSIST: Hi! :-))
ME: Does that mean you miss me?
ME: Say something!!??!!

And just when I thought it was her he cared for, the Narcissist responds Yes I miss you.

ME: I am heartbroken and saddened at what we have become. I don’t want us to be mad at each other. I really am in love with you. I can deal with that. But barely speaking hurts.
NARCISSIST: Let’s talk later
ME: You will text or call?
NARCISSIST: I’ll call you

All this while she is in his house with him!  You know the one, the one I had convinced myself he cared so much for.  Not only did he respond but then made plans to get together with me later that evening.  Silly me, thought I had won something.  I was victorious!  Whatever!

That victorious feeling was temporary! The shenanigans resumed, and I was still holding on — to nothing, I might add!

For the next several months, I continued to try to feel better.  It would not be until New Year’s Day 2014, the “mask” reference made sense.  He was a narcissist.  A genuine, honest-to-goodness narcissist.  I discovered the many blogs that evening after I penned “A letter to my narcissist lover …” which I had every intention of mailing to him.  However, after reading one of the blogs, I opted not. The blogger wrote that you should write a letter but not mail it.  Letter written – check!

I know it was nothing but God’s Saving Grace that led me to the many great blogs.  I found consolation. I found I was not alone.  I began to find me!

As I poured through the blogs, I was reading my story, my experience.  The abrupt manner in which they cut off contact — stop texting, no attention. The lies.  The heartless disregard for your feelings.  I was up until the wee hours of the morning absorbing blog-after-blog about narcissism.  This is when everything began to turnaround. It was that night when I absolved myself of any wrongdoing. I get it!  He is wounded and handicapped.  There is nothing wrong with me but everything is wrong with him!

What makes my situation kind of unique — I see what he does! I can even hear if the window is open. I saw a woman lean over and kiss him once.  I saw more than any woman deserves to see.

Now he is at it again with the re-emergence of a previous lover.  And, although she was there last night, earlier yesterday, he had propositioned me.  No, thank you.  I don’t want any.  It is effortless to say ‘no’ as I am now repulsed by his behavior.

And, just when I thought he really liked her … someone else is seemingly sharing his bed tonight!

Treat yourselves well!

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4 thoughts on “Just when I thought…

    1. Thank you Tela. I wrote this passage because it is what held me hostage for nine freaking months. I did not understand narcissism. I only knew that he was sleeping with everybody but me. What is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? What had I done? This is when that negative committee is taking over your good common sense. What I should have been thinking is “Thank God he doesn’t wanna sleep with me”! As you can see my self-esteem was embedded somewhere in whether he found me desirable or not. I realize now that bloggers like yourself are on the money. He won’t/can’t like anyone cause he doesn’t even like himself. I get it! I realize now that he is a sad, miserable soul.

      So glad I found my new sisters in the struggle against these — can I call them parasites? Best!

  1. Parasites??!!! LOL..sure. But I think on some level, unfortunately because we have REAL feelings we do feel sorry for them….but we cannot let the sympathy of what we feel for them {and what we lost} hold us back……it just wasn’t meant to be? I don’t believe that, I believe it WAS meant to be so that us ‘Survivor Sister’s’ will be a much better partner in the future, and we will NOT settle. Plus, we have the hand-book on the signs of a Narcissist, Sociopath etc 🙂

    1. Absolutely! As always you are so on point. It was meant to be. Without this experience, I would still avoid the “writing” passion that had been hiding inside. I am loving this. I have so much to say and having listeners is the best part. I can tell from your writings you’re in the same place.

      Last night I was talking to a girlfriend. We were lamenting on what a sad existence he has. We do have feelings. We are not like them. We have souls. We love deeply and unconditionally. Settling is something that I have done my entire life. Having no expectations in a relationship is my other failing. This experience has changed me. I WILL NOT settle. And I HAVE expectations. Without this experience, I would have remained on the same path. My new love affair is with me … the me that has emerged! It feels soooo good!

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