The best feeling..

The best feeling is when you have awakened from the fog.  When you realize your mistakes are just that mistakes, designed to make you better.  I now realize this is one more life lesson.  Nothing more, nothing less!  I read somewhere recently that without our mistakes, we cannot grow. I believe this to be a truth.  Certainly, in my case, this mistake has allowed me a growth opportunity that I had not dreamed of.  I have evolved.

It is the best feeling when you are no longer beating yourself up for caring about someone who is so callous and unworthy of love, especially mine!  It is the best feeling when you realize you are free.  Free of the nonsense that possessed you for 10 months and 11 days or 317 days.

You think about all the days and nights your only one thought was “What Happened”.  You begin to realize you may never have the answer to that question and then you torment yourself further trying to figure out why he won’t give you the answers you need for closure.  It was torture! This was my life for 317 days in 2013.  With each passing day of 2014, I have been feeling better.  45 days and counting!  Then on February 15th, I had the best feeling.  That was the day I knew I had survived my relationship with a narcissist.  That was the day I was me again — only this time an even better me!

Despite the intimate knowledge I had of the many women in his life, seemingly sharing his bed, I allowed him to penetrate my peaceful existence and leave me wondering “what just happened”, “what did I do wrong”. There were days when I felt I would never be at peace again.  I felt bereft and as if I had been hit by an 18-wheeler.

The irony in all of this is despite my ignorance of narcissism, I knew something was wrong. I just did not know what.  I began thinking it was something wrong with me, that I had done something unforgivable for him to change so abruptly, to shut me out with no explanation. My self-esteem took a major hit.  Although I was watching the women come and go on a daily basis, I still wanted him. Or did I?  At some point, I knew I did not want him but just could not let him go. If he called I went despite the change in my feelings.

I was so happy for three months.  I loved the playfulness, the joking, the attention he paid.  So, when it came to a screeching halt with no warning, why would I not be devastated.  Why would I not grieve? And, did I grieve. I missed him every single day!

That was yesterday.  These are new days for me.  They are days when I continue to have the best feeling about me, who I am, what I want and what I want to be.  I have ended “no contact”, but I am in no danger of surrendering to his charms.  And, he is one charming man, good looking to boot!  I ended “No contact” simply because we can never be enemies for an obvious reason.  We live too close!  I need to be able to come home without a knot in my stomach, without avoiding him or worrying who’s he with today! It is important that we forge a “friendship”. While it may be difficult to do so with someone of his ilk, I believe it can be done.

I no longer miss the times we had together.  I definitely do not miss the feelings of dread knowing someone is sharing his bed. In fact, now I care less.  And, that is the best feeling.  I am even able to tell him ‘no’.  Now that really is the best feeling.  Saying ‘no’ to someone who is only accustomed to your catering to their wants and needs on demand is the best indication you are no longer a member of his club, his rotating harem! I have extracated myself from the shenanigan’s.  I have grown! Do I care if if there is or will be a punishment for my outright insolence.  Mmmmm, nope!  As a close friend says often “he is not the boss of me”.

It is the best feeling … when you can thank your narcissist for bringing out the best in you, allowing you to see who you really are, who you were really meant to be! I realize now who I am and what I enjoy.  That is my writing.  The affair with a narcissist inspired me to write.  It, at first, eased the pain.  It was therapeutic and detoxing.  Now it is just pure and simple enjoyment.  I am in love with my writing!  I love my blog! I have found my passion.  I write when I am sad. I write when I am feeling good.  I am writing now because I have the best feeling and want to share.  I want to write love letters. I want to write letters to my friends.  My first novella even emerged from the ashes of this affair.

I was talking to a co-worker just today.  She sews and she iterated with so much love her passion for sewing.  I get it.  I realized at that very moment during that conversation, I have that same passion only it is to write.  Can I ever thank him enough for awakening that passion?  Absolutely not.

It is the best feeling … when you not only feel better but good; when you are, in fact, happy with your life!  I have a renewed sense of self-esteem, something that has eluded me most of my life.  I feel good about me. I awaken everyday, looking at myself and realizing what an attractive, smart and loving individual I am. This is the best feeling — to feel better, to feel good. I have lost the emotions that oftentimes were consuming me, that were suffocating me.  I remember with a sting in my heart those days when I thought I could not breathe because of his shenanigan’s!

I told him yesterday — him, me and that thing we used to do — we will not do that anymore.  I don’t even want to do that with him again. I see him now for the narcissist he his and while I will always love him as a friend, I will never allow myself again to be a part of his rotating harem.

So I write this to say thank you to my narcissist for making me better, my life better, for discovering what really turns me on!  And, it is not him!  It is a love that will not betray, a passion that will be there as long as I want — it is to write!

Remember this — Surviving a relationship with a narcissist is difficult but it is doable.  You only need to reach down into the depths of your soul and retrieve that part of you that was lost when you embarked on the insanity.  It is the part of you that makes you breath every single day.  It is your survivor instincts.  You have them.  Now use them!  Then and only then, will you experience the best feeling!

One thing I always knew I WANTED was to feel good.  I did not want to be in a fog. I did not want to suffer from an immense heartache.  I wanted to breathe deeply.  He simply could not have my very essence.  I could not allow my very spirit to be tampered with by someone who is possibly without a soul.

I, however, have a soul. And, a great big ol’ loving heart!

Treat yourselves well.